Traveling (Pop Culture Style)

If there is such a thing as a pop culture savant, then I am its poster child, well, poster man, but that sounds creepy. Poster child it is. Whether it is lack of intelligence or a shallowness that I possess, I am a sucker for a good pop culture reference. One of my favorite bloggers, Mist 1, the Belle of the Dirty South and I were recently discussing travel. I made a lousy joke linking Mary Tyler Moore and Minneapolis and she suggested what a great idea it would be for a travel show about sitcoms. She called it Sitcom Travel. It is an absolutely brilliant idea and I unabashedly stole it, after asking permission of course. So, if anyone from the Travel Channel happens upon this (which is a pretty high likelihood given that I am emailing this post to every Travel Channel email address I can find), I cannot and will not take credit for this idea because it was Mist’s. That is unless they want to make it a weekly half-hour program hosted by me. Then I’d have to take credit – Lucy and Ethel will need to go to college one day. Unless I am successful in convincing them otherwise.

I often find myself daydreaming about other places. The fact that I do this during work hours is probably very closely related to the fact that I view my office cubicle as a prison, though the good news is that if I behave the rest of the day, I may get time in the yard this afternoon. Many of the places I dream about are places that I have become familiar with through TV, music and film. So, here are the things I would do if I got to travel to some of the following places…this is where you close your eyes, cue the dream sequence and faintly hear ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ in the background.

Though I have been there many times before, I would go to San Diego first. There’s a great symbolic reason for this: it’s the closest to home. I would go down to Seaport Village just to yell ‘Stay Classy San Diego’ from Anchor Man. Then I’d head to Vegas. Perhaps this city doesn’t count because I always do this next thing whenever I drive to Vegas. There is a point when Interstate 15 descends down into the valley where you can see the strip in the distance and the night sky and clouds illuminated by all the neon below. That is the point when I put Elvis’ ‘Viva Las Vegas’ on and sing at the top of my lungs. Sadly, I have never been in the car with ANYONE who has wanted to do this with me. Sometimes I follow that song with ‘Diamonds Are Forever,’ because it is the only James Bond film that takes place in Las Vegas.

Next would be Hawaii. And you know there is only one thing to reference when you are thinking about Hawaii (well, that is excluding the oft used phrase ‘lei me’). Yes, it’s Steve McGarret and Hawaii 5-0. I love that theme song and once spent practically the entire 5-hour flight there humming it. I have promised myself that the next time I plan a trip to the islands; I am going to search long and hard to find a travel agent named Danny or Dana. That way, when we are about done with the travel plans, I can stand on my chair and yell ‘Book it, Dana or Danny or Danno!’ Seriously people, I do this lame pop culture referencing stuff all the time. Just ask the last phone operator with our company who had to listen to me serenade her with Jim Croce’s ‘Operator.’ You could also ask the girl who sat behind me in High School science. Her name was Brandy…although I seriously doubt I was the first (or last) person to sing that song to her. Also, never glance at yourself in a distant mirror while in my presence. Doing so will make me sing ‘You’re So Vain.’ I’ve tried to stop it, but I’m helpless.

Even though I already referenced it, if I ever get to Minneapolis, I will have to locate the exact square where Mary Tyler Moore tossed her hat at the beginning of the Mary Tyler Moore show. I would have someone take a picture of me doing it while I sing ‘You’re Gonna Make It After All’ and then I would email it with a catchy phrase to all of my friends, none of whom would bother to reply back to me about it. I’ve often toyed with going to Boston just to visit the Bull and Finch pub (the Bar that served as the exterior for ‘Cheers’). I would go in, offer to pay everyone a couple of bucks to yell ‘Michael,’ or even ‘Norm’ when I go and walk back in. Then with my luck, I would walk back in and everyone would forget to yell. I’d ask for my money back and everyone would tell me to get lost. The trauma of it all would prevent me from ever returning to Boston again, which is a real shame because I really like eating lobsta and clam chowda.

I’ve often wanted to go to Texas. If I did, I would have to visit Dallas and the Ewing’s famous South Fork ranch. All I’d want to do there would be push a well-dressed rich woman into the ranch’s pool and yell something like ‘Don’t mess with JR, Sue Ellen!’ Of course, I would then be banished from the South Fork Ranch forever, but it would be so worth it! I have literally had daydreams of going to North Carolina and finding the pond where Andy and Opie went fishing. I would whistle the theme song and the world would be perfect. At least it would be perfect until some local resident laughs at me and says ‘son, that pond is in Los Angeles. It ain’t here and it ain’t never been here.’

That would lead me to Los Angeles and the famous Wisteria Lane from ‘Desperate Soccer Moms,’ or whatever that show is called. I could personally care less about that show (sorry), but that street is also the location of The Beaver’s House and The Munster’s mansion. I get giddy thinking about the pleasure I would derive from strolling the sidewalks just like the Beav did. If I ever find myself on a flight to Cincinnati, I’m sure I will annoy all of my fellow passengers as I sing ‘WKRP in Cincinnati.’ I would arrive in that fine town sing my song and then get right back on the plane and fly to Milwaukee. When in Milwaukee, I would have to go visit Richie Cunningham’s home (only to be told that it too is in LA) and the closest brewery. At that brewery, I would grab the nearest brewery worker and sing the ‘Schlemiel, Schlimazel’ part of Laverne and Shirley. After that, I would corner a Milwaukee native and recite the following part of ‘Wayne’s World.’

“Isn’t Milwaukee an Indian name? Yes, it is. In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning the good land. I think one of the most interesting things about Milwaukee is that it's the only American city to elect three Socialist mayors.”

Some day I would also like to visit Georgia. I’m going to have to take a lot of time off to do that though because I can only go there on a train that has a departing time of midnight…Woo Woo. So there you have it. Those are just a few of the places I would one day like to visit and what I would like to do while there. OK Travel Channel execs, you know where to reach me.

Useless afterthought: There are probably several cities I forgot, so please feel free to point them out to me and I will do a Travel Volume #2 if necessary.