A Slow Pitch Right Down The Middle

I should go ahead and tell you that this is a repost. I know it's a horrible thing to do for a Sunday or Monday (depending on when you read this), but to make up for it, I can offer you a new new podcast to listen to. Besides, I have to think of something memorable to do for my next post on Monday night, which will be my 600th.

Feel free to offer suggestions because after 599 posts, I am running out of things to write about. As proof of that, I offer the fact that I almost posted my confession of love for home water filtration today instead of this repost. Fortunately I realized ahead of time that it would have been a 'Pur' mistake to do so. Hmmm, have I written about cheese lately? That always goes over well....

When you get your inspiration from making fun of odd news stories, it doesn’t get any easier than this: A woman with the last name of Butts was accused of stealing toilet paper from an Iowa Courthouse. Ok, it could have been just a little better; her last name could have been something like Wipey. Yeah, I would pay someone with the last name of Wipey to steal toilet paper. Hey, what about Hiney? Hiney would be good too.

What I can’t figure out is why someone with such a ‘touchy’ or ‘sensitive’ last name as Butts would ever try to steal toilet paper, let alone steal it from a hall of justice, how cheeky. Sorry. Couldn’t she think of better booty to loot? Now she’ll be the butt of many jokes, although she probably already is. I can think of a few of my own to well, crack. Of course, I would never make them directly to someone with the last name of Butts because I wouldn’t want to look like an ass. I guess in hindsight, I already do.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the stealing thing. It has to be on par with stealing a candy bar from a police station vending machine. I wanted to say stealing donuts from a donut shop, but that’s too obvious so I decided to glaze right over it and just sprinkle it in there. I don’t like to leave holes in my stories. Maybe the Butts family could open a cigarette shop or sell a certain prosthesis? But…which body part? How about chins? My favorite is the cleft chin, like the one I possess. Some folks refer to that as a butt-chin, although that should probably be a different tale.

I guess I have come to the end. I really have no other point to make. I’ve already come up with every angle of this story that I could. Unfortunately, I can be anal that way. So, I’ll wrap it up now. In hindsight, this could be my shortest post ever but it will allow me more time to cook dinner tonight. For some reason, I'm thinking of either rump roast or, yes you guessed it, pork butt, which isn’t what you’d think it is. I think it comes from the shoulder. Although in some animals, the definition of shoulder can be very broad…You know what, I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Or am I behind?