It’s The Cheesiest!

Yep, I’m the one running through the halls of my office singing ‘It’s the most cheesiest time of the year…’ Yes, I realize that is horrible grammar, but it’s the only way I can bastardize that wonderful Andy Williams tune. I suppose I COULD sing it by saying ‘it’s the cheesiest time of the year,’ but that makes it sound corny. Well it makes it sound cheesy, but somewhere along the way the meanings of corny and cheesy apparently intersected. All of that aside, there’s actually a reason for me singing my cheese song…this time, anyway. Wednesday, June 4th is cheese day!! Yes, I realize that it’s only Monday, but I have already begun celebrating. This is mostly due to the fact that I did not get to leave the office early Monday in honor of Leave Work Early Day. And that folks, is a shame I can never shake. While you could successfully argue that every day is cheese day when around me, the official day falls on Wednesday. That makes Tuesday Cheese Day Eve, which is just as holy to most people as Cheese Day is. I believe that makes it cheddar, because it’s holy. It has holes, like cheese. It’s holy. It probably lessens the impact if I have to explain though.

Cheese Day is such an exciting time. It’s when we get to pay homage, or should I say ‘Fromage’ to that fattened dairy product that brings all of us so much joy - be it in deep-fried, melted, curdled, cottaged, stringed or even liquid form. Cheese just makes things better. It’s like alcohol or drugs without the side effects or legal ramifications. There are so many variations of it that there is a flavor to appeal to everyone. I tend to favor a sharp cheddar, but sadly have not yet been exposed to all the different varieties. I think in some way this is intentional. If I were to have all the cheeses in all the world displayed before me, I would literally eat until I became a drooling, incoherent semi-comatose being. Then I would pop. I would literally eat until I popped like they say fish do, although I have yet to be able to reproduce that reaction in my own fish tank. I’m kidding. I’m kidding! That would just be cruel, and then I’d have to clean the fish tank. But the cruelty part is really the main reason. Honest.

I had planned on caroling outside of a few of the local dairies near my home and office to thank them for their wonderful contributions, but have been told by my family that I will be doing that alone. Since caroling is a group activity, I may have to rethink this celebratory plan of action. This is probably also a very good indication that I will be asked to take down the cheese squares I tacked up around the house like holly and mistletoe. But that’s where I am drawing the line. It took me hours to grate enough cheese to make the Cheesy The Cheese Ball Man that is now in my backyard and he’s staying there until he melts, upon which time I will scoop him up and spread him over warm tortilla chips so I don’t waste all that cheesy goodness. Cheesy would have wanted it that way.

Obviously I made that up, but if I could make Cheesy The Cheese Ball Man, I would. Although, I feel a little awkward about the Cheese and Ball part. A more perverted individual could perceive that the wrong way. Maybe I should call him Cheesy The Man Made Of Cheese Balls. No, that doesn’t sound any better. I just can’t help shake the image of Alec Baldwin on SNL talking to Molly Shannon and Anna Gasteyer about his Schweaty Balls. Hmm, perhaps I should change the topic before I get all cheesed off about this.

I Gouda tell you though that I have officially declared this the summer of cheese. Seriously, I just stood up and yelled ‘this will officially be the summer of cheese.’ But now I wish I had realized that Lucy and Ethel were sleeping in front of the TV before I did so because I think I just gave them both heart attacks. I am naming this the summer of cheese because in a mere 4 weeks, I will be traveling up to Oregon to visit the Tillamook Cheese Factory. Well that and my cousin’s wedding where Lucy and Ethel will be serving as flower girls, blah, blah, blah.

Go head, you can ‘ooh and ahhh’ about the cheese factory part. It is pretty cool. I even bought another memory card for my camera in anticipation of this special visit. I plan on documenting everything from my arrival in the parking lot all the way through to the part where security escorts me off the property because I left the main tour and ended up in the ‘real’ part of the factory dipping my fingers in all the different vats of cheesy goodness. I just hope that part happens AFTER all the free cheese samples.

This is also the summer of cheese because I recently and finally found a ‘Melting Pot’ within driving distance of both home and the office. I plan on making full use of the advantageous location of this fine dining experience. That sounds too fancy. What I mean is that I will be dipping my skewer into their pot o’cheese as often as I can. And speaking of fondue (and cheesy segues), I am on the hunt for a decent fondue set to have around the house. It will sit right next to my charcoal grill on my culinary altar, to be joined some day by the deep fryer I am still trying to get. All three will finally complete my holy trinity of food preparation devices. I can still remember the fondue set my parents had while I was growing up and the awe struck fascination I felt the first time I realized I could dip a piece of bread into that olive-green cauldron of warm melted cheese. It still brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.

Well, when it comes to the subject of cheese, I could go on and on with no stopping (that’s what she said). But, I feel it’s more important that we begin our cheese celebrations. So let’s just get to it and cut the cheese to begin this wondrous holiday season!!! Wait, I don’t think that came out right…