Want A Reason To Leave Work Early? Here’s One.

I have met very few people who actually enjoy going back to work on Mondays. Truth be told, when I have, I ignore them or point and scream. I am definitely one of the Monday haters. Sometimes though, all the moons line up just right and you get a Monday that is actually a holiday. Now granted it’s not one of those fancy schmancy Mondays where you don’t have to go to work like Memorial Day or Labor Day or whenever Fred Willard’s birthday falls on a Monday, but it’s close.

Why is it close? Well, Monday is ‘Leave Work Early Day.’ As soon as I learned of this blessed day, I knew immediately that I needed to blog about it. I’ll be honest with you though, I was tempted to make it a really short post (as in Mini Me or ‘Da Plane, Da Plane’ short) because most everyone I know blogs from work. Except for me because I am the quintessential loyal employee – well that and the fact that I have already been caught for blogging at work, but mostly because I am a wonderful and exemplary employee. Perhaps I already mentioned that? Let’s face it, if you get to leave early, you won’t have time to read this post and I certainly don’t want to be the cause for you having to stay even one minute longer at work on Leave Work Early Day. I really can’t fault you. After all, I have spent all day on my list of persuasive arguments for my boss on why I should get to leave work early on Monday in case my employer chooses not to recognize the holiday just like they did last year on the 6-month eve of my birthday or the day after I finally perfected my BBQ rub. And I won’t even go into the lame excuse they gave me when I tried to get the end of this year’s writer’s strike declared as a day off. ‘We pay you to work, not celebrate fake holidays’ my arse!!!

I’ve been having trouble concentrating lately. Oh hey, there’s a humming bird. Sorry. Trying to get through work Monday is not going to make that any easier knowing that I get to leave early and have the power of an internet website declaring my right to leave early behind me. I’m just hoping I can fit my dress shirt and pants over my cargo shorts and ‘more cowbell’ t-shirt because if I have to change in the office bathroom, it’ll force me to stay longer than the holiday calls for. Well, that and the whole ‘customers sometimes seem to have issues aiming at the toilet’ thing, but that’s a whole different disgusting blog post for an evening when I haven’t had 3 glasses of yummy lemonade.

Many holidays have rules like ‘fireworks and BBQs’ on July 4th or ‘start celebrating in late August’ for Christmas, but I’m a little unclear on the celebratory protocol for Monday’s Leave Work Early Day. Namely: how early do we leave work and what do we do when we leave work. Since the holiday’s departure time is ambiguous, I am very tempted to go into the office just long enough to have my coffee with crème brule creamer, tell everyone I’m leaving early and then set my email out of office thingy to tell everyone that emails me that they can go suck it because it’s Leave The Office Early Day. For those of you unfamiliar with my job, that would make my departure time approximately 7:37 seconds after I arrive in the office, which for those of you unfamiliar with my job is approximately 35 minutes AFTER I should be there and when all of my coworkers normally arrive. Please note that the use of the word ‘normally’ means the same in this instance as ‘expected to.’

As far as the issue of what to do when you have left the office early, well I’d like to think that’s up to your discretion. I haven’t decided yet. I’m torn between going home and taking 3 naps, hopping in the kiddy pool in full business attire (and I’m not talking that sissy business casual stuff) or driving around the office honking my horn and yelling ‘I just got off, I just got off,’ for about an hour or so knowing that my boss and some of my coworkers would stay at work so they could get stuff done without me bothering them (and what the heck is up with that by the way), but it has been brought to my attention that the phrase I’d be yelling can mean something entirely different than what I would be using it for. And suffice to say, that’s the sort of thing that leads to ugly office gossip.

So to wrap this all up, if you are reading this while at work on Monday (and don’t lie because I check my blog stats and know that’s when most of you visit), stop reading and leave the office. You can leave quietly or make a big fuss like they do at the beginning of the Drew Carey show. The more I think about it, my departure will probably go something like this: ‘I just got a phone call that my dog is ill and I need to go donate my spleen so she can recover. This means I will have to leave early, but I promise I won’t be enjoying myself because I have to donate my liver, I mean spleen, to my dog and that requires cutting and blood and anesthesia, though not necessarily in that order. Now, don’t you feel bad for me? I swear I will not be enjoying myself as I donate my appendix, I mean spleen, to my doggy, Mabel.’ Yes, you can use that line if you need to. Enjoy the short workday everybody!