Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It, Is…

Imagine getting home from a long day of work all set to celebrate Cheese Day Eve and you are directed to a little postcard sized piece of mail. You are probably asking why don’t I just imagine that instead of asking you to do so. Well, I don’t have to because it happened to me. As this piece of mail had no identifying marks, a lot of things raced across my mind. Namely, I had finally been fired. I got ready to dismiss it as junk mail and then was directed to look at the other side.

And there it was: an invitation to call the sender of this bit of postage regarding a position in this individual’s ‘company.’ Because I am a very attentive person (no seriously), I noticed (after staring at the card for 25 minutes – see attentive) two key pieces of information that even our friends at CSI may not have noticed. The front and back were written by two different people (one male and one female) and that the sender used the word ‘company.’ Obviously, we’re talking at least a two-person operation here. After patting myself on the back for noticing these little ‘clues’ and tripping over the vacuum cord, I made my way to the phone and called the number provided.

Again, the recorded greeting I received left me no obvious clues, other than me having reached the ‘desk’ of the mail’s sender. So, I left a message, but because I am still not sure who I’m dealing with, I left my boss’ phone number. I figure if the guy calls back, it’ll up my bargaining status with my job when my boss discovers I am desirable. Wait, that really does need to be rephrased. I mean desirable as in ‘hotly wanted job candidate,’ not any other way. I really do need to stop writing the first thing that comes to my mind. Naw, I’m kidding about all of this. I left my work cell phone number, or as it is commonly referred to by my coworkers, the phone I never answer.

As of the time I sat down to write this I have not heard back from the sender of this possibly phony parcel. I know, shocking. Now that I have all this time to sit and wonder about what this company is that wishes to use my services, I can tell you that my mind is really working overtime (I guess it’s making up for my body, which tries to work as little as possible) dreaming up what business this company may be engaged in. And yes, most of them are spy related so I won’t share those…

My first thought was that maybe this is someone who came to learn about me via my blog. Then my second thought was ‘now who in the hell is going to hire me after reading this blog.’ Yep, you guessed it; I chose to ignore the second thought. I have written about a few things, so maybe this mystery company deals with one of them. Perhaps it’s a new cheese manufacturer with an edge trying to elbow out a little bit of the established market and is hiring only those persons who have a real love for cheese. It would be like the Apple or Mac of the cheese market. Mac and cheese? Honestly, I didn’t see that coming, but you get the point. Maybe they want to make me their advertising guru responsible for making their special brand of cheese seem better than all others. Perhaps they need someone to produce the cheese or even someone to taste it. And if I really choose to dream, maybe they want someone to lead the tours of their facility. I’m giddy with anticipation, I tell ya!

Or, this company wants to financially back my idea for a fast food fondue joint called Fastdue or Speedy Cheddar’s (just Cheddars for da locals). Oh wait; I haven’t shared that idea yet. Maybe their mailing to me was so nondescript because they need to keep their activities on the down low because they are an international export company (although I guess all export companies are international. Hence the ‘ex’port part) that really only IMports to save money. What if they want to use me as a mole? Or a test driver? Those would be fun. I suppose they could want me to join their pyramid scheme of selling vacuums or water filtration devices. Just think, someday I could have someone under me selling vacuums or water filtration devices and all I have to do is collect their money as I sit in front of my brand new swimming pool talking about how I made $40 last month without ever leaving my home…because of the house arrest device around my ankle that I also received while people under me were selling vacuums or water filtration devices.

Then there is the dark side of possibilities. Obviously these people know my mailing address. What if they sent me the card so I would contact them for an interview and then when I leave for the interview someone on their ‘team’ will break into my home (with the same mailing address for those of you keeping score) to steal all my valuable possessions. I am of course speaking about the things that mean the most to me and that I cherish as equally as my family like my TiVo or Wii. Or maybe they want to steal my (and I can’t believe I am even willing to admit this would even happen) PEZ collection or stash of Cheetos that look like the heads of Presidents. Although in all honesty my JFK one is just a Cheeto I took a bite out of. I know, that’s horrible. Write your hate mail…actually don’t. It’ll give me a complex. Oh shoot, they probably would not have known about any of that stuff if I hadn’t just shared it. Well isn’t that just shitacular…

Hmm, after all these recent ponderances, I’m now not sure anything they have to offer me will match up to my expectations. Unless they want to hire me to write nondescript post cards offering people the glimmer of employment. But I don’t have any experience with that. Darn.