This Idea Smells Like…(A Repost?)

I wrote this almost a year ago when the 2008 Olympics were a mere gold, silver and bronze twinkle in China's eye awaiting consummation and riots and international concern. But now, all that fun is just over a month away. Oh boy, I just can't wait. It's been so long (that's what she said) since I got to watch and cheer my favorite Olympic sport - CURLING!!! Wait, that's a Winter Olympic sport? Oh dammit.

I came across an AP story this morning about yet another aspect of the 2008 Olympic Games in China. Simply put, an organization in China is preparing to make Olympic souvenirs like little Olympic trophies depicting Pandas taking part in various Olympic Sports. Ok, that’s a cute idea, but the souvenirs will be made out of (wait for it)…PANDA DUNG. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, come again? Yep, Panda DUNG! Yesiree, not only would you be lucky enough to attend the Olympic Games in China, but you could take home some lovely molded Panda ‘Passings’ to remember the event. I am actually booking my flight right now! Thanks Expedia!!!!

The story says that the souvenirs would mostly be made out of things like undigested bamboo found in the Panda dung and that it would be sterilized. Apparently Pandas don’t digest bamboo very well (I guess it’s kind of their version of ‘in corn/out corn’). I’m sure there is some eco-friendly benefit from doing this, but what it all comes down to is that you would be buying Panda feces made pretty. I realize that Pandas are cute and rare and endangered, but it doesn’t mean that their dung is too. I realize that's a harsh statement from someone who has never seen Panda dung, but I feel pretty secure in my assumptions this time (and we all remember what assumptions are, right? Brave guesses with a total disregard for any factual basis. But the key word you should remember is 'brave'). Isn’t the white Rhino or some other animal like that endangered as well? Have you seen what comes out of an animal like a Rhino? What’s next play-desserts made out of cow pies? Will there soon be hair care products on the market made of camel spit? Or how about hand lotion made of bird regurgitant? Seriously, I thought regurgitant would be a real word.

This all sounds like a really, uh, crappy idea. How do you put something like that on a resume? Obviously you want to dress up the description of any job you have ever had, but how do you describe this one? Are you a ‘Fecal Matter Recycling Expert?' Do your duties include ‘cleansing of Panda dung for preparation for consumer consumption?’ How about ‘Panda Waste Artist?’ And really, what job does this qualify you for? Do you look at the guys that follow behind horses in parades with buckets and shovels as the internship or training grounds for Panda Waste Artists? Do the Fecal Engineers in training practice honing their skills on Play-Doh or modeling clay or worse yet, pet waste? What does a job like this pay? What are the benefits and are gloves provided at no expense? Is the pay scale related to the relative size of animal’s waste? Is there hazard pay for the really big animals?

You know, I have a fairly large dog. The dog likes to eat and obviously requires cleaning up after. I’m just sayin’…

Let it be known that I would be more than willing to sell Mabel’s byproducts to a company wanting to make little sculptures of the characters on the Office or little NASCAR replicas. I mean, if it’s such a good idea and all why not cash in while the money's good?. Talk about unlimited supply potential here. I mean have you ever been to a zoo?? Or a dairy? Or an aviary? Heck, we need to figure out how to make energy or fuel outta this stuff!

Since I’m now to the point where I can really do nothing other than make crappy bad jokes, I should stop before I really stink up the joint. Besides, I need to start working on a new cologne using the essence of skunk…