What A Taxing Letter

Well, it finally came. I finally got mine. I was really starting to worry. It was that same kind of worry one gets during those split seconds as you begin to open an email from your boss titled ‘Report Overdue’ but it hasn’t loaded and you can’t read the words yet although you begin to vaguely remember a report you think you were probably supposed to have done, but didn’t. Actually, I guess that’s more of a panic than a worry. When the IRS and the government spends over $100 million just to mail a letter that says a tax rebate is coming, well, I don’t want to miss it.

Just to be clear though, I’m not talking about missing the tax rebate action; I’m talking about missing the extremely costly letter. And now my worries are finally over because I have the letter and I got to read it and I no longer feel left out when all my coworkers say things like ‘well, what did you do wrong, I received mine’ and ‘can’t you just stop blogging and get a little work done like the rest of us.’ Ok, while that last one is said to me often in the office, I guess it really isn’t pertinent to this story.

After looking over the $100 million letter, I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. Does anyone remember the $10 million dollar man? Think about everything he could do and he only cost $10 million, not $100 million like this letter. As far as mass mailings go, it was pretty bland. There were no big bold words, no clip art of dollars or dollar signs, no calls to action, no pictures of families happily holding their rebates, no celebrity spokespeope (I’m thinking Steve Carell or Charro. She’s still around, right?) and not even a free subscription to IRS Weekly or IRS Illustrated.

If they let me spend $100 million on a mass mailing, I can guarantee it would be one you’d remember! It would be glossy, it would have big words, there would be lots of color and probably a few coupons for things like a free chicken sandwich at Chick-Fil-A or toothpaste at Target, or aspirin. Yes, aspirin is pretty common in ads and stuff. And what would a pretty mailer be without a piece to detach, fill out and send back in? Not much of a mailer, if you ask me. If the IRS is going to spend so much to mail you something, why not use that mailed piece to help improve their reputation with us, the tax payer, who would rather become a field tester tasked with finding out whether buffalo or bull manure had the better consistency or pin the tail on a real donkey’s ass (is donkey and ass in the same sentence too redundant??) than deal with the IRS. In case you are wondering, yes, that last sentence probably just earned me a lovely tax audit***. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Now I know that the real reason the letter was sent to us was so the government and current administration could get a little good press and get credit for doing something good, especially in an election year. When it’s put in those terms, I really can’t complain. Who doesn’t like a pat on the back when you do something right. After all, I do the same thing. On those few occasions I get to work on time (well, within 20 minutes either way. OK, I’ll be honest - within 20 minutes, give or take an additional 20, passed when I should arrive), I essentially do the same thing that the IRS does. I sit at my desk, play my music very loudly so everyone can hear it, actually take the time to greet my boss and send emails to everyone within the company so that they can see the time stamp on my email and know that I got to work on time. Except maybe the government is self-patting here (which I believe may still be illegal in a few southern states).

But over $100 million to get a little positive attention? I can’t even begin to fathom how much that is. Well ok, smart asses, I know it’s $100 million, but I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of having anywhere near that type of coinage. Perhaps if someone could break that down for me in terms of something I can understand like tonnage in cheese or in relation to what Rachael Ray must make in a year…

*** Though I did make a few disparaging remarks about the IRS, I should take the time to clarify that I love the IRS. You, IRS, are my favorite government entity. I heart you even more than the American Battle Monuments Commission or the greatest government entity of all time, The Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars.***