Reasons I’m An Idiot, Numbers 303-310 (Formerly Known As ‘Things I Learned This Week’)

* My friend at work has helped me name my autobiography, you know, should a reason ever actually arrive for me to write it. The name is inspired by my heart issues and will be called The Angina Monologues (even though saying the word ‘Angina’ makes me nervous and blush a little). The title may be changed if we decide to use The Angina Monologues as the sequel for our never quite fully realized musical, ‘Nylons in Arizona.’

* When Female Coworker says this is the first day in a month that her phones haven’t been ringing off the hook, isn’t it a law of office etiquette that you have to start crank calling her office immediately? I don’t know why everyone started getting so righteous on me after I did it.

* When Female Coworker tries to exact revenge for the prank mentioned above by telling on you by saying that you ate meat for lunch on Good Friday, isn’t it also office law that you have to respond with a ‘that’s what she said?’ Again, I don’t know why everyone started getting so righteous on me after I did it.

* When George Michael’s ‘Gotta Have Faith’ song starts playing while you and your coworkers are at lunch, resist with all of your might the urges you have to sing along to the chorus. Please trust me on this. Ditto for Barbara Mandrell’s ‘Sleeping Single in a Double Bed,’ no matter how catchy that damn song is! And while we are at it, seriously, what restaurant plays these 2 songs back to back?

* When you have written what you think was a pretty good blog post and then go through almost the whole next day without any comments on it and are starting to be filled with self-doubt, self-loathing and have taken to mumbling, go visit your blog just to make sure that YOU ACTUALLY POSTED IT!

* It’s ok to tell people that you spent the night before watching John Wayne, Dean Martin, Ricky Nelson and a very young and beautiful Angie Dickinson in ‘Rio Bravo.’ However, it is apparently not ok to go around the office singing the theme song to it.

* There is no greater at-work dread than composing a very negative email criticizing a new company policy intended to be sent to your coworker and then telling him that you just sent him that email, only to hear him respond with ‘really, I didn’t get it.’

* It can be quite a self-awakening (and a pretty big hint that you aren’t the hep-cat you believe yourself to be) when you pull up to an attractive girl at a stoplight, look over and see that she is shakin’ and groovin’ to something that obviously has a good beat worthy of all that movement and then realize you are listening to Johnny Horton’s ‘Ballad of New Orleans.’ Now seriously, I have NO idea how that got onto my Ipod.