Before You Call In Sick Today, Read This

Today was Monday. It was beautiful outside, warm, green, my Mountain Dew tasted just a little more dewier and I swear the birds were singing a Jimmy Buffett tune. It was so nice in fact that I took the longer route into work this morning. It was the route where I drive around for about 45 minutes until I find road construction and a detour so that I can follow the detour even further out of my way and then when I get to work I can blame my excessive tardiness on said detour. It’s been working very well for me, though I fear that coworkers will soon realize that a detour cannot go on for 4 straight months, or that I have yet to find an alternate route into work yet. Until then though, I’ll be living high on the detour hog.

Then I got to work and everyone was in such a foul mood. It was a real shame. I don’t know what the last few days were like in Hitler’s bunker (although I’m fairly sure that their lighting and ventilation was better than ours is), but I imagine it was pretty similar to all of the bad and grumpy moods I experienced this morning. It was so bad that even my ‘go to’ musical 1-2 punch of ‘Copa Cobana’ and Elton John’s ‘I’m Still Standing’ couldn’t improve the mood. Now that I reflect on it, I’m pretty sure it actually made the mood worse, but then if you approach everything as a problem, it will be a problem. I however, am a problem solver. That is why I spent most of the morning shooting my NERF dart gun into my unsuspecting coworker’s cubicles. I don’t think I have been cussed at and flipped off as much since the last time I was driving in downtown LA hauling something to my Uncle’s house which covered my rearview mirror and made me use ‘the force’ to determine whether or not there were vehicles behind me as I changed lanes. Verdict on that day: the force is not strong with this one.

However all that I have written so far was not the real reason for today’s post or the title of this post. I read an AP story this morning before work that could not have been more appropriate for a Monday morning. It was about a man in Washington who talked his friend into shooting him in the arm so that he could miss work and skip a drug test. My first thought is that he obviously was going to fail the drug test since he thought taking a bullet would be better than going to work. The second thought: I need his friend to become my friend. Who needs a friend who has your back when you can have a friend who, at your request I must admit, will shoot you in the back. THAT is the hallmark of a good friend, especially if he is willing to share his beef jerky with you.

The man told his employer that he was the victim of a drive-by shooting while jogging. I can’t even write that sentence without laughing. But at the same time, I walk before work every morning and must tell you that my mind is spinning with possibilities right now. I mean I’ve endured open-heart surgery and can’t help but think that a bullet in the arm would be less painful than having my chest cracked open like an oyster shell. You’d have to think that on the ‘how many days is this excuse worth’ scale that a bullet wound is worth at least 3 days, if not the entire week, especially if you have a good relationship with your physician. I’ll admit that it’s a drastic step. Perhaps when you are ok with suffering gunshot wounds you might want to start shopping your resume around. It’s just a thought.

As this man’s employer though, it would force me to take a deeper look at the morale of my workplace. Then after dealing with that, I would give bullet man a raise because he obviously is the most creative person in the office and that type of creativity and dedication to an ideal deserves to be rewarded and used for the corporate good. Hell, I’d even redo the logo of the company to incorporate a bullet wound to inspire all of the employees to be as creative as bullet man.

So in conclusion, if you are planning on calling in sick this week, I guess you have a new option to consider. It might be a painful one but it could just get you a raise and a promotion and as we all know, you don’t get the pain without the gain. While no one but you can make the decision on whether or not missing work is worth taking a bullet, just remember that the rewards may very outweigh the temporary discomfort, blood loss, ambulance ride and possible permanent nerve damage and infection.**

**This blog in no way endorses gunshots as a method of missing work. It is written solely for your enjoyment and much like a bullet shot from a quivering hand, probably missed its mark. There are many safer ways to skip work such as twisting an ankle, falling down the stairs, ‘accidentally’ slicing your finger open while cutting a piece of cheese to eat, a weekend ‘sports’ injury, accidental groin shot from your children or anything related to yard work or home improvement projects. However, with this disclaimer out of the way, if you do take a bullet to skip work, please email me so I can blog about it.**