Things I Learned This Week: 8/25/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason it never makes me look good. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that powdered sugar should never be a waffle topping for a young child’s breakfast. This has nothing to do with raising their sugar level and them being rambunctious in school, it’s because the floor will look like it received a foot of snow.

! I learned that I should never have shown Lucy and Ethel how to copy what other people are saying. Especially me. Especially when I never know when or where they are going to start playing ‘the copy game.’ Especially when I may or may not have just unleashed a curse-laden tirade about something most people would find insignificant.

! I learned that tipping a waitress an extra $8 because she was cute doesn’t rest well with my coworkers. It’s not her fault that she forgot Partner In Crime’s extra side of Ranch. I’m sure there was a very good reason that she put Mayo on his burger after he asked for no Mayo.

! I learned that a horrible hacking cough and the disclaimer that I fear I am getting pneumonia is a great way to make sure people avoid my office. It’s also a great excuse for cutting phone calls short, and for getting the entire pot of coffee to myself.

! I learned that the rest of my coworkers don’t appreciate me celebrating Kenny Rogers’ birthday in the office with a daylong musical tribute. I also learned that when I leave my desk for more than a few minutes, my Kenny Rogers Birthday Musical Extravaganza will be sabotaged.

! I learned that watching ‘Lobster Wars’ on the Discovery Channel makes me crave lobster to the point that I can’t see straight. Perhaps I should write a letter to Red Lobster telling them to advertise during this show, as it is sure to increase traffic in their fine establishments. I also learned that watching four straight episodes of ‘Dirty Jobs’ is a great weight loss tool. I should publicize this so I can rule the airwaves like that annoying Jarrod from Subway!

And lastly,

! I learned that I have really let my twins’ new rebellious behavior get to me when I have a dream that my dog Mabel has a twin and the twin is bent on attacking me every time I bend over. I can tell you that imaginary twin-dog butt bites hurt, A LOT! The only thing I can’t figure out is why my ass hurts so much…