Q & A Tuesday #5 – On Wednesday

Well, it’s Wednesday and you know what that means. It’s Q & A Tuesday…or something like that. There are a ton of good questions this week, so let’s begin. Just remember the basics: no quoting me, no putting into practice anything I might suggest, Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk next to his name, nothing you are about to read has been researched and ponies kinda freak me out. Also, I don’t proofread my answers. It would take me until Thursday. Ok, here’s the Q&A…warning, longest post ever dead ahead…

Terri starts us off this week with a question that is both upfront and personal. She asks:
‘What kind of child were you? I wonder if you can relate yourself to any child actor/comedian, someone like Gary Coleman, Danny Bonnaduce or even Punky Brewster?
Hmmmmmmm. Well, I was taller than Gary Coleman, nicer than Danny and the only thing I had in common with Punky Brewster was that I too had to have a breast reduction. I would like to think that I was closest to either Opie, Ralph Malph, Richie Cunningham or Ricky Schroeder on ‘Silver Spoons.’ The chicks really dug Ricky. Oh you know what, I just answered that without even trying. Chicks dug Ricky, which means I was more like Ralph… ‘I still got it…’

My transatlantic pseudo-sister AndreAnna asked a real brainteaser. She wanted to know ‘If you could only listen to one song over and over again for the rest of your life, what would it be?’
Holy Crap, that’s a toughie AA. So many songs cross my mind. The Christmas Song, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, Ain’t That A Kick In The Head, The WKRP in Cincinnati Theme Song, The Cheers Theme Song, Louis Prima’s Pennies From Heaven, He Stopped Loving Her Today, Sinatra’s ultra-hip version of Mrs. Robinson, Folsom Prison Blues, Haggard’s Working Man Blues, Sunday Morning Coming Down, anything from the Randy Travis or Kenny Rogers catalog and whatever the Bee Gees did on the Saturday Night Fever Sountrack. But since you asked for only one, I’d say Alan Jackson’s Chattahoochie. Or The Hollyridge Strings’ version of Shaft. Or Julie London singing Quinn The Eskimo. Seriously, I’m not kidding…I’m heavily medicated from my hospital visit, but I don’t think I’m kidding…

Patti once again put her fine journalistic talents on the line to ask me a question. She asked ‘Which do you prefer, lizard or caveman?’
After the Geico commercials, I’m pretty sure that lizards are better. Especially if they are related on the evolutionary scale to the Sleestaks from ‘Land of the Lost,’ which I think were also the same suits worn in a Star Trek episode once. Yes, definitely lizards over cavemen.

The Exception had two questions this week and I consider myself lucky that they both had nothing to do with uncomfortable questions that my twins might one day ask me. She asked:
‘What is your theme song?’
As much as I want to answer the James Bond Theme Song, I’m just not sure I can pull that off. Perhaps the theme song from “Get Smart’ is more appropriate. What do you think? I missed it by that much, huh?

The Exception also wanted to know ‘If you have a half sister and brother but they don't know you exist, do you still really have a brother or sister?’
Probably not. Unless I know that THEY exit. Then they would exit first. But really, in what sense do any of us actually exit? Do we exit upon death? If so, where are we exiting to? To exit something usually infers that we are then going to enter something. I exited a job once and didn’t enter another one for over a year, so that was like a delayed entrance, although I was not trying to be fashionably late. Why are there more exit signs in the world than entrance signs? Why do people want us to leave so badly? Oh, you meant EXIST, not EXIT? Well then, never mind…

Lastly, The Exception asked ‘Which cartoon/TV show from your youth would you like them to bring back and why?’
The Justice League was good, but so was Voltron. Although I really miss Walter Kronkite doing the news. Does that count?? If so, I’m going with Walter.

Brandy’s Five are up again. I had all weekend to ponder the Big Five in the hospital, and this is all I could come up with. I really do rue the day that I asked her a really dumb question which has brought on this revenge. Nah, I’m just kiddin’ Bran…or am I?
1. Kenny Rogers wants you to go on tour with him. Only hitch is that you will be gone for the next year and Lucy and Ethel are not welcome to join/visit (Kenny discriminates against people under 10 years old) and you will not be getting any breaks to come home. He will be paying you enough money that after a year of work you will be able to retire comfortably and provide all the wants your young girls have ever dreamed of. Do you go?
Yep. I should really have a more thought out emotional answer about missing my children but sacrificing so that I can provide for them but seriously man, it’s The Gambler himself. Maybe he’ll even let me duet on ‘Islands.’

2. Are Bratz dolls a symbolic representation of what is wrong with our society in terms of female image, or are they the cause of what is wrong with our society? Are they the cause of what is wrong, or the effect?
Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. I blame Barbie and Ursula Andress on the beach in ‘Dr. No’ for what is wrong with interpretations of the female image. Bratz dolls are what is wrong with our society. How can we let children play with something that has brat in the title? I hear that they are about to release the next generation of Bratz Dolls called Sorority Slutz. I think after that they are releasing the Soccer Momz and then Dirty Grandmaz. Whatever happened to Strawberry Shortcake? I realize she was a stripper, but at least she wore full-length overalls.

3. Favourite type of lifesaver candy?
Grape! My answer to all flavor questions is always grape. Do I like grapes from the vine, no? Do I like Purple Fructose Sominate 15? Yes!

4. If you were going to live the reminder of your life as a pirate, what would your new pirate name be?
I’m partial to Saucy McBritches. It sounds great in a pirate dialect. Go ahead try it, just say ‘Ah me lad, be findin’ Saucy McBritches ye better be.’ See what I mean? It’s great!! ARRRRRRR!!

5. Can you whistle?
Yes, but not while at work. One has to be happy to whistle, ergo I cannot whistle while I work. I whistle fairly often. I whistle the Andy Griffith Show theme regularly. Perhaps one day I will take my children fishing and we can whistle it then. I love to say whistle, can you tell? I also like saying ‘like the down of a thistle,’ but then people look at me funny. It’s getting really hard to figure out why they are anymore. That’s what she said!!

My best friend and his wife decided to ask a question this week. They are regular visitors here but phoned this question in. They wanted to know ‘What has Brown done for me?’
Well, B and E, Brown has done a few things for me. I have several brown t-shirts and someone told me they are rather slimming, so I guess Brown has slimmed me. Brown is also the color of dirt, which is pervading my backyard because of the dang gophers that have decided to toy with me for the last 3 summers. They too are brown, so I guess you could say that Brown is also elevating my blood pressure. Lastly, brown is the color of really burnt cheese, which I love to eat. So, all in all Brown is doing more good for me than bad.

ARM is new around these parts, but anyone who likes A Christmas Story and Country as much as I do is always welcome. ARM asked ‘Did you really get talked to by HR about blogging?’
Uh, I am afraid I am not at liberty to discuss this. I would like to, very much in fact, but I kinda have to be on the blogging down low, as far as work is concerned. I also made a promise to myself that I would never discuss it. However, I am always free via email to discuss somewhat taboo topics such as this. I just can’t help myself! We’ll just say this for now though, you never know who is reading your blog. Bwahahahahahahaha!

Frigga from just a few miles down south wanted to know ‘Who will star in your musical?’
Well Frigga, I am assuming you mean my newest project ‘Nylons in Arizona.’ My first musical, the musical version of ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ with Squiggy as Horshack, is obviously already cast. I think I would like to have Roseanne Barr play the lead role in ‘Nylons in Arizona.’ However, Tina Fey will have a small part! If I can get Roseanne, I’ve got this great scene worked out where she sings and then grabs her crotch at the end.

Airam asked ‘Which Simpson's character do you relate to the most and why?’
Hmmmm, probably Homer. I’d say Bart because I want to be a rebel, but most things I do end up as if Homer had done them. I am a rather somewhat bumbling dolt at times. I may be a better father than Homer, but I’ve definitely got predominately Homeristic qualities. I fear also that I have a little Milhouse in me…that’s what she said! I just can’t help myself with that great line!

Mother Hoodwink also had a Nylons releated question. You know, all this discussion of nylons on my blog is going to give folks the wrong idea about me…
She asked ‘If you had to wear nylons as part of your new work dress code, (quitting is not an option) which color would you wear? Black, the ever classy white, nude or some crazy color ones?
This is quite the dilemma. I will never, ever wear anything nude, black might make me too sexy, white would make me feel like a nurse and crazy color ones would make me feel like Pipi Longstocking. Soooooo, I guess black is the best of the worst. Are you SURE quitting is not an option??

Lis asked a question I could answer over and over again. The big Q was ‘if you happen to run into Tina Fey (gasp!) somewhere, what will you say or do after you're done giggling like a silly school girl?
Yes, I would giggle incessantly like a 12-year-old school girl for several minutes, then I would realize that my giggling freaked her out and she would begin walking away. I would slap my head for being so goofy and then curse myself for not carrying my ultra-small digital camera. The thing fits in my pocket and I still didn’t bring it! Once sanity returned, I would chase her down to tell her how great I think she is and try to hand her several of my writing samples so that she can see the genius that only I see in myself. By this point though, I’m sure I would have already been tackled by her security. Seriously, Tina Fey must be worthy of official protection. I would later tell the judge that I will abide by the restraining order that I’m sure was instigated by someone in Tina’s entourage as she could never so something so mean.

My bestest blog buddy Odat asked ‘What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?’
Then we should all be happier and there should be peace upon our planet. The hokey pokey is fun and it should be what it’s all about. If that is indeed the case though, I’m personally in trouble. I can’t dance, guilty feet I’ve got no rhythm (whoa, where the heck did that line come from) and when I try, people attempt to get me transported by ambulance to the local hospital because they think I’m having seizures. Ha! That’s what they think. They’re seizures of fun, baby!!

Ralph asked a Sinatra related question. It was ‘When the Brat Pack grows up, can they rival the Rat Pack in grownup behavior?’
Uh, no. The closest thing we will ever get to the Rat Pack again is Dick Cheney and his hunting buddies or the Russian delegation to the UN. Those guys can par-tay!!!!

Texas Peanut wanted to know ‘If money was no object, what would be the one crazy, can't live without, off the wall item you had to buy?’
Dish towels. I use them all the time. I use them as potholders (they don’t work very well for that, by the way), napkins, security blankets and sometimes in a really far out way. I use them to wipe up excess water and to dry things. Honestly, don’t tell anyone. That’s what paper towels are for, I think. Oh yeah, dish towels are good to use for snapping them at the rears of Lucy and Ethel too.

A Life Uncommon stopped by to ask ‘What color is your dream laptop?’
I think a camouflaged one would be kinda cool. My only concern is that I wouldn’t be able to find it when I am outside. That would be a lot of money just lying around disguised as a bush or something. I’ll just say black with gray and red stripes. The stripes are so that I can find my laptop at night or in a poorly lit room.


OK, I think I got everything answered. Keep in mind that I still had some pretty powerful (prescription) drugs in my system when I wrote this, so if questioned, I will disavow any knowledge of any of this and distance myself further from it than Hillary is distancing herself from Billy. Have a great week! Wait, never mind, I’ll be back tomorrow. I don’t want to give you the idea that I’m not posting again until next Tuesday…