It’s Got A TV, It’s Got A Bed, But It Ain’t No Hotel

Have you ever had one of those weekends you were looking forward to because you just knew you were going to be able to get away from it all for a while? I’m kinda, sorta, maybe about to have one of those weekends. There will be beds, there will be chairs, there will be TV and there will even be room service. Sadly though, it will not be the Holiday Inn, but it’s guaranteed to be much cleaner. No need to look at the sheets and mattresses with a black light here. This great vacation getaway even comes with its own stylish clothes. Nope, it’s not a country club and contrary to popular belief, it’s not a place for me to mentally rest for a while. And no, I’m not having my face reshaped or serving time for something I can’t recall doing. Besides, my coworkers said they weren’t going to press charges. Not that anything happened, but let’s just say if something were to have happened, how would one get burn marks off cubicle padding and peanut butter out of a CD-ROM player?

Where will I be vacationing later this week? It’s…….the hospital! Yes, I won four fabulous days and three amazing nights at my local Los Angeles hospital. I get to go in for a new medicine for my heart on Friday and will be staying through the weekend. I plan on sleeping, I plan on writing, I plan on Wi-Fi’ing (can I say that….I think it’s a verb), I plan on reading a great new book I bought and I plan on not having the potential side effects that are forcing me to have to be hospitalized in the first place. Here’s the deal, all I know going into this luxury-filled weekend is that the nurses assigned to me have to be trained in administering this medicine and observing me after I take it. And that folks, is a very comforting thought! There may have also been mention of possible fatal side effects, though when my cardiologist said this I was busy getting a burst bubble gum bubble off my lip and out of my hair. In my defense, gum takes a lot of effort to remove from skin and hair. I did learn a valuable lesson though; next time I mentally come back to a conversation and someone is asking me if I have any questions, I should say ‘yes’ instead of ‘nope, understood every word. Now can I have my sucker…preferably grape?’

Since I’m really only being monitored IN CASE my heart reacts badly to the medicine, I’m hoping that I can still wear shorts and a t-shirt instead of, well, ‘the gown.’ I know I’ll be asked to do some walking, so I want to be comfortable without being exposed. I am also looking forward to lapping all the older people in my ward as they take their laps around the nurse’s station, although I had to promise I wouldn’t bump anyone out of the way, like I did when I was last there after heart surgery two years ago. In all fairness to me though, I would have won if Grandpa Jones hadn’t fallen and protested the finish! I was gnawing on ice chips for three days waiting for my blood pressure to drop while I was getting over that illegal call.

All in all, I think I’ll get through the weekend just fine, although, if you don’t see another post by me by late next week, well then just assume the worst. Yes, it means my computer probably crashed. I’m already busy lining up visitors for the weekend, trying to find leis and straw hats for the nursing staff and figuring out how to have a whole pig cooked in the parking structure. I have finished casing the area around Sunset and Vermont for good dives where my friends can make food runs for me and just got back from the bank with the stash of cash that should allow me to bribe my roommate for the bed closest to the window. In light of the fact that I have to have an EKG every two hours, I’m just wondering if I should have taken out a little more money so I can bribe my way out of the nighttime tests too.

I take my vacations very, very seriously! You could almost say that I take my vacations to heart. To me vacations are a matter of life and death. It’s just heartbreaking to take a vacation and not enjoy it. All that time off can really get one’s blood flowing again. You wait all year to take a vacation and then it’s over in a heartbeat. Ok, I’m done…I promise. Though I hope I was able to get to the heart of the matter with this post. That was the last one, I swear…