And Then There Are The Times When We Work…

I had been out of the office working in the field the last few days, so needless to say, I wasn’t super thrilled at walking back into the office this morning. However, what I encountered when I got to work was so unexpected that the day actually ended up being quite enjoyable. It turns out that an unknown person left ‘gifts’ for most of us under our desks. We don’t think it was our boss, we don’t think it was someone who entered our office and accidentally left all of his (or her…I believe in equality) things strategically placed under our chairs and it’s not the time of year for Santa sightings. Whoever this mysterious gift-bearing elf was, he or she certainly is kind! The gifts that were left for us weren’t your usual gifts of silver, frankincense and mir (sorry, I couldn’t help myself there). These were toy guns that shoot NERF darts and NERF balls.

Being the efficient group that we are, we didn’t take long to use them. In fact, before lunchtime, I had already been shot at twelve times. I am actually in awe of the speed that Female Coworker’s gun shoots the NERF darts. I am also in awe of her accuracy in shooting said darts. Perhaps if I had not caught the first dart barehanded between my two fingers (ok, that gives the wrong impression. I actually do possess all ten of my digits) that she shot at me from across the hall; she would have stopped shooting at me. In fact, she made it such a mission of hers to get one by me that several embarrassing moments occurred. Every time I approached her office for the rest of the day, I did so while holding my hand over my ‘man area.’ Needless to say, this created a few awkward moments as employees from other departments walked by to see me entering or exiting her office shielding my aforementioned ‘man area.’ As if that wasn’t bad enough, Female Coworker figured out how to shoot her darts with real power (TWSS). This made every dart she launched sail over my cubicle wall and into the unsuspecting office of Mommy To Be coworker. I ran into her office as quickly as I could and when she showed alarm, I casually asked her ‘did anything happen to strike your head within the last thirty seconds or so?’ When she replied that nothing had, I retrieved the errant dart and returned it to Female Coworker (and yes, my man area was still shielded because she was still packing heat – TWSS. Sorry, I had to).

Then came my turn to shoot my gun towards Female Coworker. Unfortunately, this is when new guy chose to walk by. Let’s put it this way. The sound that the ball made when it struck his thigh is NOT the sound that a soft, spongy NERF-like substance should make when it strikes clothed human flesh. It was then that I realized the power of my weapon. Ok, I was going to try to be above this but can’t waste such a good opportunity, so…TWSS! I actually spent all day trying to get my coworkers to say TWSS, but it never caught on, can you believe that? I also spent way too much time walking around with the NERF Darts suctioned to my head, but no one found it the least bit funny. Do you also ever get the feeling that you just don’t belong?

When my boss came down the hall to ask if he should eat a day old donut in our break room, all guns were stowed and we went back to work, with darts and balls strewn all over the office. I explained to him that a donut was nothing but preservatives anyway and it should be ok. I think he appreciated my insight. I just hope the night cleaning staff isn’t miffed and turns me into him about the note I left asking them to kindly return the missing ball from my gun if they come across it tonight.

A little later Female Coworker asked us if we wanted to see her new economy-luxury car (which I will refer to going forward as Eco-Lux). Now I realize how oxy-moronorific a statement this is, but apparently, such a thing exists. I mean I know it does because I have seen it. It’s like the Frankenstein of fine cars with its Jag looking front and Lincoln Continental hind end. After she scolded us for ten minutes about getting too close to it or not getting into it while dirty, we congratulated her on her purchase, kicked the tires and went back into the office. In case you were wondering, we should not have kicked the tires…Female Coworker doesn’t like that.

To her credit, Female Coworker decided to drive us all to lunch in her new Eco-Lux car. While driving with her is always a white-knuckled experience, we got to Chili’s in relative safety. We ordered way too much food. At one point Female Coworker made mention of doing what a Bulimapologymist would do when they eat too much food. As we were not sure what this meant, I asked if she was referring to a person with an eating disorder who is married to multiple people. The five knuckles that then struck my left arm told me that was most certainly NOT what she meant. After the meal we all piled back into the pearl colored Eco-Lux for the trip back to the office. And then the most revealing part of the day occurred. For it is then that the woman who uses the F-bomb at the drop of a hat and who has taught the entire staff new and never before heard cuss words put on praise music for us to listen to. Everyone in the car mentioned how odd this was and she responded by profanely telling us all where we could go and what we could do when we get there. Hours later, I am still not sure how we all were not struck by lightning today. So here we all were flying down the local city streets with Female Coworker singing along to her blaring praise music while cussing out nearby slower motorists. After several close calls, I can tell you without a doubt that driving while playing music loudly does in fact diminish one’s ability to concentrate on their driving.

When we finally got back to the office, we were all singing our own praise and thanks. Sadly, I know that for years to come I will awaken scared to death in the middle of the night to the image of the green Chevy tailgate that we just missed smashing into. Oh yeah, about the work mentioned in today’s title, well it didn’t get done today. Maybe tomorrow...or the day after that...

By the way, not to take away from my blog post, but for those of you that appreciate this type of thing, isn't this the coolest picture ever? Could it be the Farrah Fawcett poster for this generation? Yeah, I'm probably making too much of it...

****I am going to be doing a Q&A Podcast, so hop on over and leave me a question. If you want to. No pressure...*****