Things I Learned This Week: 8/18/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason it never makes me look good. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that a cheese grater is a very dangerous kitchen accessory that can cause major knuckle destruction if not used with extreme attention and care. Caution and care in this case excludes grating cheese while watching The Office, especially when the blood of the person grating the cheese is the thinnest it has been in seven years.

! I learned that ‘Ready to Light’ charcoal is actually more fun a bigger fire hazard than soaking regular charcoal with lighter fluid myself. Do I really need to mention how much more fun more dangerous adding lighter fluid to the burning ‘Ready to Light’ charcoal is? Also, a shift in the direction of the wind WILL in fact change the direction that the fire is blowing. Lastly, there is a decent chance that I won’t need to shave the right side of my face for another day or two.

! I learned that I really do have a very artistic twin when she believes that every pile of dog waste I clean up looks like something else. I just wish that Ethel new how to modulate the volume of her voice so that the neighbors didn’t know that my dog is apparently able to, uh, ‘lay’ waste that looks like a turtle, an airplane and Grover from The Muppets, just to mention a few. On second thought, maybe it’s my dog Mabel who has the real talent here.

! I learned that hospital food really isn’t that bad. It’s actually quite tasty if you give it a chance. And by giving it a chance, I mean chasing it down with an extra large Whopper and a strawberry milkshake.

! I learned when my doctor said I needed to be off work this week that absence truly does NOT make the heart grow fonder. Boy will I be in a great mood when I return on Monday. I’m hoping you can detect the sarcasm I am typing this with.

! I learned that after Lucy and Ethel watched the premier of 'High School Musical 2' last night, I'll be spending my Saturday trying to find them the soundtrack on CD. Oh joy, oh joy, oh joy, oh joy. I'm again hoping you can detect the sarcasm I am typing this with.

! I learned that I don’t particularly care to be awaken at 4AM to have my blood drawn, especially when it takes 8 minutes and 3 attempts to find a vein that feels like cooperating. I also learned that cussing at my veins is a very good way to get other people to look at you funny.

And lastly,

! I learned that picking Lucy and Ethel up from Kindergarten requires me to bring my ‘A’ game with regards to completely useless conversations with other parents just because we all happen to have children in the same class. For the record, apparently asking other moms, ‘Hey, did you catch Dirty Jobs last night? That Mike Rowe is hysterical, isn’t he?’ is most definitely not ‘A’ game material.