Things I Learned This Week: 9/8/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. Yes, I realize it's Sunday, but I really don't need any heckling today. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that when I get home from work and run outside to see my Golden Retriever Mabel and I find myself kneeling on the ground as she is excitedly running towards me, that I should never again just 'sit there and she if she'll stop,' because she won't and then I end up getting Dino'd like Fred Flintstone and get knocked off my feet like Marty in Back To The Future when he turns his high powered guitar amp up way too high.

! I learned that 2 cups of coffee and a 16 ounce Mountain Dew should never be consumed prior to driving 180 miles round trip to the middle of nowhere. And by the middle of nowhere, I mean where they apparently do not have plumbing sufficient enough to supply a restroom with water.

! I learned that when shooting Nerf guns at work, aim is of the essence. I also learned that when said Nerf dart is accidentally launched over our cubicles and into the lobby, running away only proves guilt.

! I learned that when at the Olive Garden (The OG) and people stare at me every time the waiter brings me another bowl of pasta, that the stares are not stares of amazement or honoUr. I'm also wondering why after I consumed a certain amount that my picture was not put on the wall and my meal was not given to me for free like at those steak places when some dude downs the 44 ounce Lumber Jack Special. And no, I have never tried that.

! I learned that walking Lucy and Ethel up the toy aisle at Target fully aware that their 5th birthday is only two weeks away is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have ever done. Ok, well maybe not as dumb as telling people I bought Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits...like recently. Very recently.

! I learned that if I show up to work two days in a row and walk into my boss' office more than once during those two days that I will be branded a Kiss A$$ . I also learned that the only way to shake this label is to go back to showing up late and playing 'Take This Job And Shove It' too loudly. You'd be surprised how well that works!

And lastly,

! I learned that there is no way to recover any dignity when you accidentally walk into a filing cabinet at work because you are busy trying to look at a cute new female in the office, especially when Female Coworker witnesses the entire thing.


****I have recorded a new podcast. If you wish to damage your ears forever, then click here at your own risk****

****Remember to get get your questions to me for Q and A Tuesday. I'll beg if I have to!!****

Just Because It’s Endless Doesn’t Mean You Have To Treat It That Way

That’s what I was moaning saying after lunch with Partner In Crime the other day. We decided to go a little more upscale for lunch and chose a nice Italian restaurant chain. To hide the establishment’s name I will only refer to it as Drab Colored Oval Shaped Tiny Vegetable Growing Area. Perhaps you know of the chain I am speaking of. If not, it was recently brought to my attention that said eatery is also referred to as ‘The OG’ (thanks AA's sister!!). I’m sure you get it now…

We had planned on the cheap and relatively light soup and salad. Until I asked the $2.4 billion calorie question: ‘Are you still doing that endless pasta bowl thing?’ The waiter’s answer: ‘yes.’ So much for the soup and salad. I can’t recall what the first bowl I ordered was; in fact I can’t remember what the second bowl I ordered was. Nor can I tell you whether it was tasty or not. I believe there was some type of sauce and most likely cheese involved, but other than that, I’m pretty clueless (as far as the food, no smarty ass remarks!)

I guess if I had ended at just two bowls of pasta, despite its endless moniker, I would have been ok. But I had to down two more additional bowls for a total of 4 bowls (sounds like a Total cereal commercial)of rather unmemorable pasta and sauce combinations. Then I had to add 4 breadsticks and 2.5 bowls of salad. I may have also snacked on a napkin and had to ask for more lemons in my iced tea, despite the fact that out waiter swore my tea had lemons when it was delivered to our table. I am also pretty sure that there were those OG wrapped mints that come with the bill to make it more palatable. I have no clue what came over me. Perhaps it was the knowledge that the sooner I got to the bottom of each bowl that there would be another waiting for me.

What is it about all you can eat situations that makes us forget about our calorie intake in the same way that a pubescent boy forgets about pretty much everything when surrounded by the local high school’s cheerleading squad? Ok, I know that rarely happens, but I wanted to provide you with an easily understandable scenario. I mean I have seen some amazing things in buffet lines. I have actually witnessed people pile up their food in configurations that should defy the laws of gravity. How in the world do greasy sauce covered ribs not slide off a jiggly Jell-O based salad? These things simply should not stay on the same plate without crashing down! And then there’s the mind baffling food combinations that find end up on the buffeters plates. I’m speaking of pie and macaroni salad on the same plate or Italian food sitting right next to Mexican food or cole slaw nested next to bread pudding. I fear sometimes that people in the buffet line forget that not only is there an unlimited amount of food, but that there are an equally unlimited number of plates upon which to place it.

Has Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs worked cleanup at a buffet restaurant yet? If not, he should. No wait, forget it. I should. Then I can submit it to the Discovery Channel in my not so secret bid to be named as the new host of Dirty Jobs when Mr. Rowe decides that it’s easier to just do the narration for The Deadliest Catch, but you don’t care about any of that. Although I have diligently been practicing my use of the word ‘Poo’ and I am far worse at math than he is, and that’s saying something!

It might sound like I am ranting here, but I speak with some degree of knowledge, kind of, almost, ok, just a little bit. I used to be a buffet whore or ‘buffore’ as it is commonly referred. A buffet was like the satellite TV alternative for restaurants. Where a normal restaurant would be an old black and white TV that had no remote control, the buffet is a Hi-Def satellite TV feed with 500 channels, including at least 3 devoted to NASCAR. Not only would my mouth water when I entered a buffet, my eyes would water too. And it wasn’t just the smell of the dirty diaper from the kid in the booth next to me that was causing it. Yeah, I’d cry just a little. In the Eden that was the buffet table, the sheer quantity of food often overshadowed the sheer lack of its quality.

You know what, I’m getting awfully hungry. What the heck was I discussing again? Crème Brule? Crab legs? Does anyone else remember? Hmmmm, I wonder what time Billy Bawb’s Feeding Trough O-Rama around the corner opens…


****In the same spirit of Q & A Tuesdays, I'm toying with starting You Decide Thursdays. I would ask everyone to submit ideas for a post each week and then write about one of those topics each Thursday. What do ya think???****

Now THAT Was A Road Trip

Earlier this week, OK, this week back in 1930, perhaps one of the coolest road trips ever came to an end just over 40 days after it started. Two men arrived in New York after making a round trip to LA and back. I know just what you are asking, ‘where’s the story about melted cheese,’ ‘how did your twins terrorize you most recently,’ ‘is that really what she said?’ Ok, seriously, you are probably asking why this was the greatest road trip ever. Honestly, I have no freaking idea, I just couldn’t think of a better intro. However, it may have something to do with the fact that the road trip was completed entirely backwards, but that’s just a guess.

Yep the 1930 cross-continent trip was done with the two men’s Model A Ford in reverse…the entire time. Now I have seen ‘Smokey and the Bandit,’ I have seen ‘Tommy Boy’ and I have even seen (appropriately enough) ‘Road Trip,’ but I gotta tell ya, driving backwards for almost 5,000 miles beats all of them, and remember every thing that Burt Reynolds did in his Trans-Am. Although I guess in a time where there were no chair or roof mounted DVD players or game consoles, CD players or even cruise control, something had to be done to bring a little excitement to the road trip. I would love to have been a fly on the white walls when they had their discussion about driving backwards. As many things like this often do, it smacks of a drunken dare. Since this was before most highways as we know them today were built (I guess think), it made the feat even more impressive.

Now I’m not saying that it would be much less impressive today. It would certainly be illegal and dangerous, but that just equates to it being more fun. I’m sure one of ESPN’s many channels would cover it and no later than a few days into the trip I’m sure the car would be sponsored, most likely by something that could tie in to the backwards trip. Maybe Caterpillar’s new line of backhoes (why do I feel like that needs a That’s What She Said?), a water filer that utilizes REVERSE osmosis or maybe a manufacturer of rear view mirrors. OK, those are lame, but look at the material I have to work with.

As the end of summer was closing in these last few weeks, I came to the realization that I missed out on taking a road trip of my own this year. I love driving for no reason and I love road trips. The idea of getting a bunch of friends together, fighting over the music, arguing about who gets to use the map highly sophisticated GPS device and deciding against better judgment what roadside choke ‘n puke to eat at just sounds like so much fun doesn’t it.

Of course a road trip needs a destination and I have a few that I’ve always wanted to road trip to. The first one would be a culinary road trip across country to savor the many great foods that our country has to offer (like Disco Fries and Fondue), and yes, my final destination would be a roadside lobster shack. I love road trips to Vegas, but for some reason, and despite my obvious display of gleeful enjoyment, no one else has ever appreciated as much as I do me putting ‘Viva Las Vegas’ on the stereo as we hit the last grade and descend down into Vegas. In fact, many times I have been asked to ‘turn that crap off!’

Another trip would be to Graceland, preferably in a very large older Cadillac. I’m still not 100% decided on requiring all of my fellow road trippers to dress up in sequined Elvis jumpsuits, but am leaning heavily towards it. I think that touring cheese factories across the country would be a lot of fun, possibly a little stinky, but fun nonetheless. For everyone sick of hearing about cheese, most dairies make fantastic ice cream, too. If you are lactose intolerant, I’m sure there is a public library or roadside fruit stand we can drop you off at until we are done. Lastly, I would want to take a road trip to famous movie and TV locales. I’d add the Brady Bunch house, Richie Cunningham’s house, the Munster’s house and Beaver Cleaver’s house. Yes, I realize all of those are in Los Angeles (and that they are all houses), but I never said how long this road trip would be. It’s a day trip, how’s that. Then we’ll all stop at Pinks for their famous hot dogs when we’re done and I’d have you home in time for Jeopardy. For a little longer travel time, I’d plan my route to include Forrest Gump’s mamma’s house, Ralphie Parker’s home from A Christmas Story, the fishing pond that Andy and Opie Taylor walk to at the beginning of the Andy Griffith Show and the brewery used for the opening credits of Laverne and Shirley.

If I were really on my game, I would burn a companion travel CD containing all of the theme songs from these shows to listen to while we drive. Granted it’s not putting the car in reverse and driving across country, but think of how much fun it would be to team-whistle (yeah, I think it’s a real term. Why do you ask?) the Andy Griffith Show theme or team-sing the Schlemiel Schlimazel part from Laverne and Shirley while speeding down the highway with McDonald’s wrappers whirling all over the place. Now, should we do rock/papers/scissors to decide who’s gonna pay for the first tank of gas?

Don’t Worry, It’s OK To Be Late Today

It’s been a while since I devoted some blog time to useless holidays and I know I always say each new holiday is greater than the last, but this time it’s really true. I was tempted to wait a few days to post this in honor of the holiday, but then you would all miss out on getting to celebrate ‘Be Late For Something Day.’

Now I regularly celebrate this holiday, except I didn’t know it was a holiday. I should have suspected there was one, but sometimes I just don’t dare to dream big enough. Note to self: start hoping for a holiday that honors deep fried foods and for a ‘take a stunning super model (or Tina Fey) to work day.’ Ok, a ‘treat Michael like a King at work day’ would be pretty cool too, you know, as long as I am dreaming and all. Oh, and a ‘get paid quite lucratively for blogging day’ would certainly be welcome as would a ‘that’s what she said day’ where everyone is free to say ‘TWSS’ as many times as they want, even when it isn’t appropriate without fear of retribution or an HR investigation. On that day, we’d be free to do it over and over and over again (TWSS). I mean I’m sitting here listing holidays I could only dream about so I might as well list them all, right? Oops, forgot ‘work from the beach day’ and ‘no work because I have twins day.’ I swear I’m done now. This post is supposed to be about ‘Be Late For Something Day,’ so I should really start focusing on that, but hey, better late than never, right. Sorry, it just seemed so appropriate.

Since I was out late Tuesday night, it was inevitable that I’d be late this morning. I guess you can say that late begets late. Or late to sleep, late to rise. Or, I really don’t care what time I have to be to work tomorrow, I’m busy tonight. No matter how you cut it, I will be celebrating ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ in grand fashion. Let’s see, if I am expected at work around 8:30, I will arrive today no earlier than 9:30. As soon as I enter the office, I will make sure to wish everyone a happy ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ just so they know that my lateness is for a good reason, as opposed to the usual reason, which is because I was blogging, eating, sleeping or ironing something to wear at the last minute. Sometimes I also forget I need to go to work, but that is just a mental block that my doctors assure me can be overcome with medicine.

Let’s just hope not EVERYONE celebrates today. There are some professionals that need to be on time today. I am speaking of people like emergency room doctors, law enforcement, ambulance drivers and other emergency responders, as well as donut shop owners and the guy that owns the Mexican restaurant across from the office. Let’s face it, there are just times when someone’s tardiness has far-reaching consequences, such as not having a full allotment of chips and salsa prepared before we take lunch at 11:30AM. I guess I should also add air traffic controllers to this list. Still, not as important as the chip dude. But then I’m not flying today. Others may disagree with me, but they haven’t tried said chips, salsa and nachos. For if they had, they too would agree that chip dude serves a far more important duty than our nation’s air traffic people…sorry, no offense, but you HAVE to try these chips!

I prefer to think of lateness/tardiness/not being on time as a frame of mind. After all, if no one points out that you are late, are you then in fact actually late? If you just slip in through the back door unnoticed and immediately assume your daily duties without stopping for coffee, that morning pick me up candy bar or to chat with everyone you encounter, are you really late, especially if your boss doesn’t see you? I choose to say no. But then I also chose to like New Coke back in the 80s, and we all know how that turned out. I also chose to give my allegiance to BetaMax instead of VHS and I liked George Lazenby as James Bond, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Well, I should go now. I need to set my alarm and all of my clocks back 45 minutes. Really, how embarrassing would it be to arrive on time (or dare I say early) on ‘It’s OK To Be Late Today’ Day. I’d never live it down…

Q & A Tuesday – The One After The Three Day Holiday

Well, I hope your Labour/Labor Day was nice and relaxing. For me I don’t get another paid holiday until Thanksgiving. Great, now I’m depressed. I am working wounded for this installment of Q & A. Against my better judgment, I grilled when it was about 106 degrees out and I made the mistake of picking up what I thought was an unlit piece of charcoal while trying to repile them. It turns out it was lit (quite well, apparently) and I now have a major burn on about half of my left thumb and index finger (which is digit numero uno in my advanced multi-finger hunt and peck method of typing). Ok, once again, here are the rules: no note taking, I am not an expert in ANY field and you reference my answers at your own risk. Also, I tend to not spell check my answers because it just takes too long. Remember that major kudos and friendship points are awarded if you spot the now obligatory Tina Fey and That’s What She Said references. Here we go….

Brandy is back and first up this week. Welcome back Bran, we missed you last week (and yes, I am kissing up because of my little Office mistake…) Brandy asks:
1. What movie do you wish you had the starring role in?
You could really pick any James Bond film from Dr. No (the name of my actual doctor, by the way!!) to A View To A Kill. Although I might be somewhat partial to getting to play Bond in Moonraker because it’s one of the three that the awesome Shirley Bassey sang the theme song on, I’d get to fight Jaws and it was kind of like Bond meets Star Wars!

2. Favourite mode of transportation?
I am really going to have to start incorporating the ‘U’ into my spellings!! I gotta answer that I’m partial to my legs (that’s what she said). I enjoy walking and it’s pretty cheap transportation, it just takes a little while longer. An airboat like the use down in the Everglades and swamps might be cool, but there is NO need for one here in So Cal. Another reason why I think I should move!

3. What is to become of Karen this year on the Office?
I am so glad you asked me this Bran, especially with Season 3 coming out on DVD tomorrow and knowing that we’ll all be reliving that amazing finale. Here is what I believe will happen to the lovely Karen Filippelli: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration will hire a new apprentice named Michael C. Karen will bump into Michael C. in the parking lot after Dwight accidentally causes an office evacuation when he releases a ferret into the Scranton branch. Karen will fall madly in love with Michael C and will be able to get over Jim after he leaves her (politely, albeit) for his true love Pam. Did I mention that Karen is played by Quincy Jones’ daughter? As Kevin would say slowly….YESSSSSSS.

My Bestest Blogging Buddy Odat posed a very simple, yet surprisingly complex question. She asked: ‘Why don't you move????’
Well, after 5 straight days of about 110 degree weather, I am wondering the same thing. Also, it has become painfully obvious that I cannot buy lobster on almost any street corner here. I am held here by my job, my parents, grandparents and friends and the fact that I am somewhat indentured to my neighbor in order to pay off my debt to him for all of the inflatable balls that his kids have sent over my fence, which my dog Mabel has immediately destroyed…

Awesome Mom asked a really daring question. It was ‘do you pick your nose?’
Honestly, I do not. I am prone to bloody noses and they can be somewhat of a hassle, so I keep my fingers to myself (that’s what she said). This sadly leaves me with nothing to do when sitting in the car during traffic or at a stoplight.

Just Telling It Like It Is returns this week and true to her profession, poses a somewhat medically related question. It is: ‘if you lose your big toe nail several times let's say 7 times will it grow back?’
Hmmmmm, I had always thought that the limit to toe nail regeneration was about 4-5 times, so sadly, probably not. Now if I were a lizard or a starfish, it would grow back as many times as it needed to. Though both starfish and lizards have no big toe nails, which makes it even more remarkable! After the 5th time of losing the big toe nail, you’d have to wear a big toe nail cast, which looks more like a rubber sewing thimble. This would do nothing but throw off your balance and you’d fall a lot, which would cause you to hit your head, therefore forgetting all about your big toe problem.

Lemon Stand asked a question that people in the olden times (not the official name) were persecuted for asking: 'WHY is the world round? (My youngest just asked me that and I wanted to compare notes...)
Wow, that’s a hard one! The world is round so that we can have cool fancy globes in our offices. If the world had been flat, triangular, oval or even octagonal, globes wouldn’t be as easy to globicize, which as we all know is the process of manufacturing a globe. I sure hope that’s the same answer you gave your youngest so that he won’t become confused by different answers.

Airam asked another difficult question: ‘Why do you think that Canadians add a "U" in some words like colour and flavour and labour whereas Americans (or US Americans ... such as) leave it out?’
For the record, in honor of my Canadian friends, I have begun inserting the U into those types of words. My coworkers and boss think I have just forgotten to spell check, but the fact is, I come across as more worldly read that way. Now to answer your question, Canadians are fancier than Americans, and what better way to showcase the fancierness (again, not an official word) than spelling such words more elegantly. So, to my Canadian brother and sisters, I honour your superior fancierness!!

Patti always has great questions. But then she should, she’s a newspaper woman. She asked two questions this week.
‘What is the origin of the term "wee hours of the morning?’
Before going any further, I need to add that ‘The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning’ is one of my absolute favorite Sinatra tunes. The song is about longing for a girl in the middle of the night. Or more accurately, to quote The Chairman of the Board, ‘You lie awake and think about the girl, and never ever think of counting sheep.’ These lyrics actually give the wrong indication about what the phrase really means. When you wake up in the middle of the night, you usually need to visit the restroom and the original old time English spelling of ‘pee’ was ‘wee,’ hence the phrase ‘Wee small hours of the morning.’ It’s not pleasant, but it’s fact. Maybe.

Patti’s second question was:
‘Will Lucy also get a special evening out with Dad?’
Of course she will! We will order way too much food, go shopping, play in the park and then argue about what flavor of ice cream we want to share while I explain the jokes on The Office to her. Ok, I’m kidding about that last part. I learned my lesson when I let the twins watch ‘The Simpsons.’

Ralph, Patti’s awesome hubby asked: ‘As the NASCAR freak that you are, are you going to enter your Chevy truck in the Craftsman Truck Series...You could be a star and be more popular than the despised Jeff Gordon!’
I would like to very much Ralph. I just got new tires and should be able to out handle and pass most of my competitors, just like I do on the local roads. The only difference of course is that drivers in the Craftsman Truck Series would know they are racing me, whereas the people I pass while honking and laughing at do not. I should really just bump and run though. I don’t think Earnhardt Senior ever honked and laughed as he was passing…

Frigga stopped by (probably because I FINALLY remembered to hit her Thursday Thirteen post) to ask: ‘Okay, would you rather play the role of what's his name in Groundhog Day when he get's to eat all that food, or that Bobby character who gets to drive a race car and where the wonderbread suit?’
Definitely Ricky Bobby in Talladega nights! Even though Wonderbread is filing bankruptcy, I think they would still recognize the importance of sponsoring a race car. It would be fun reliving Ground Hog day, but after the 10th or so repetition of it, I might become a little annoyed and cranky.

Beth wanted to know ‘Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?’
The easy answer would be to say San Diego or that Carme is hiding in the hills of Tora Bora with Waldo, but I never, ever take the easy way out. No seriously, I don’t! Therefore, I can say that Carmen Sandiego is currently in the witness protection program hiding under the alias Gloria SanQuentin in Needles, California. She was first offered the Alias named Britney Spears as a drunken wayward mother, but felt no one would believe such a cover story.

A newcomer to my blog, Aislínge, takes the cake this week with 10 questions!
1. Are you religious? If so, what do you practice and how did you come to be a believer?
I am Catholic. I came to this belief as most Catholics do: fear and guilt.
2. Your twins are Lucy and Ethel. How did you arrive at those particular names?
They are code names to protect the innocent. One is actually named after my favorite race track and the other is a name that the whole family liked, although she almost was named after a racetrack too. Ok, rereading this sentence does not paint me in a very good light I fear.
3. What is your reaction to blood?
I’m ok with it. Because I am on blood thinners, I have to have my blood checked every 2 weeks. However, my reaction isn’t so great when the needle is stuck into me and no blood appears. That reaction could best be described as ‘ticked off.’
4. How do you like September? Is it a favoured month or not so much? Which is your favourite month and why?
September is ok. It is certainly better than March. I have two favorite months. December and July because they both contain my favorite holidays.
5. Describe an ideal day for me. The perfect one.
The perfect day would involve waking up when I want to as opposed to when the twins want me to. It would be a breakfast burrito, no work, nachos for lunch and lobster for dinner topped with key lime pie. I would get to watch lots of sports and documentaries on TV and NBC would run a 30 Rock (because I love Tina Fey) and Office Marathon. Winning the lottery would be nice too.
6. Describe your actual day for me. A normal one.
I would wake up far too early because the twins want breakfast. I would not have time to eat breakfast because I was running late for work. Lunch would be somewhere one of my coworkers picked and I would be asked to stay late. I would miss dinner and then fall asleep before I got to watch any TV.
7. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Mint Chip. Until they figure out how to blend lobster and cheese into an ice cream base. I would definitely give that a try!
8. Besides eggnog, favourite drink? Does your eggnog come with or without alcohol?
Probably diet Mountain Dew. I can’t have eggnog so I know I am missing the full eggnog experience.
9. The best moment of your life
Watching the birth of my twins. Although the recent two races in a row where Jeff Gordon spun out while leading late in the event comes a very close second!
10. The best thing about having twins
Getting to experience double the great moments. However, this is balanced out by getting to experience double the bad moments, like incessant whining.

The Exception had 5 questions for me this week. They are:
1. What song is running through your head right now... why?
The Carpenters’ Rainy Days And Mondays.’ I have no idea why, but if I can figure it out, it will never be running through my head again.
2. When were your "Glory Days?"
Perhaps high school. Maybe college. Gheesh, that’s depressing!
3. If you could live in any period of time excluding the latter third of the 20th century to present, when would you live and why?
Probably during our nation’s birth and fight for independence. I am fascinated by that period. I wouldn’t want to wear the wigs though. This might make me want to change my answer now…
4. Why did you choose your current profession and is it the one you want for the foreseeable future?
Well, when I realized I was going to be the father of twins, I knew I had to give up my freelance PR biz and get a real job. If I am still at this job for the foreseeable future, it will be due to the fact that I am heavily medicated to the point that I don’t realize I keep showing up at the same place everyday!
5. What is your favorite female asset?
I need to be careful here, but honestly, it’s a sense of humor (like Tina Fey, for example). That is far and away the greatest asset I think a female can possess.

Whew, I'm spent! But we made it through another Q&A installment. Well, I don’t know if you did, but I had to type all of these answers, so I know I did. Have a great week! At least it’s one day shorter, right?

Happy Labor Day And Good Bye Summer

Wow, it seems like just yesterday (well, it was Friday actually) that I was lamenting the start of the Labor Day Weekend, which signifies the end of summer. Now the holiday weekend is almost over and there are just a few un-official hours left in summer 2007. Tomorrow kids will go back to school and all of us adults will go back to work as if nothing happened. The only way you'd know it had been a holiday is the fact that everyone's level of grumpiness will be slightly more elevated than usual. At least the week will be one day shorter.

It’s now time to put away the Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffett. Time to stow away that old hammock, provided you had the time to get it out at all this year (or were able to understand the directions for hanging the darn thing) and you should probably go ahead and deflate the alligator raft in the pool. We can however look forward to cooler weather (in some parts of the country), the leaves changing color (again, in some parts of the country because here in So Cal the seasons are marked by only two leaf colors -- green and dead), the sun setting sooner, the start of a new TV season (Yes! New episodes of The Office and 30 Rock) and the coming of the stretch run for both baseball and NASCAR.

Believe it or not, I have already seen both pumpkin and pecan pie in the store. The next thing you know, Target will be getting rid of their back-to-school items and replacing them with Halloween decor and costumes. I'm sure Starbucks will be featuring their Pumpkin Latte soon. Although if you allow places like Wal-Mart and Target to mark the seasons, you'd always been two months ahead of the calendar. I just know my crazy neighbor down the street will be stringing up Christmas lights within the next few weeks. Yep, summer 2007 ain't long for the world my friends. The only good thing about this is that I only have to wait one more month for eggnog to start showing up on store shelves. Don't believe me? Well, let's put it this way, I have not lost a bet yet in 7 years that I would be drinking eggnog before Halloween. I crave the stuff and actually find myself in withdrawals by March of each year. But that's not what this post is about...

To celebrate summer’s end, I was planning on grilling up some steak and corn tonight but it’s at least 106 degrees out and I’m afraid the copious amounts of sweat pouring off my head might extinguish the hot coals. Not to mention sweat may not be the best marinade, but that's all really too disgusting to ponder...sorry. I don’t think we had a Labor Day parade in town today, which is a good thing because no one likes getting stuck in hot asphalt. All in all I allowed summer to pass pretty quietly this year, with the exception of my air conditioning unit which has been the only thing running non-stop all weekend. Getting that bill should a lot of fun and a great way to start the fall season.

So I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend and a nice summer. I hope you got to do everything you planned and travel to wherever you wanted. We’ll all wake up tomorrow and just like that summer will be over. Don’t worry though; Memorial Day will be here before you know it. OK, you're right, I made that up just to make you feel better...

*****Q & A Tuesday is tomorrow and I can't provide the A's if I don't have any Q's. So, if there is anything you want to ask me, anything I can help you with, or if you seek solutions to any of life's problems and mysteries, feel free to ask away!! Seriously, it's the Monday of a 3-day weekend. What else do you have to do today, right??*****

Things I Learned This Week: 9/2/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. Yes, I realize it's Sunday, but I really don't need any heckling today. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that while soon-to-be five year olds can be taught how to shell a peanut, they do not yet possess the discipline to shell them over the bowl I asked them to. Perhaps it’s my fault for placing the bowl on the floor in front of the TV, but hey, the Wiggles were on!

! I learned that when going to a NASCAR event and I know beforehand that it is going to be 110 degrees and my only clean Dale Jr. T-shirt is black, I probably should forgo displaying my support of my favorite driver. That combined with greasy sun tan lotion creates a sensation on my skin that I am choosing to refer to as 5 kinds of funk.

! I learned that while it is perfectly acceptable to yell rude things at Jeff Gordon while at the racetrack, I should check who is sitting around me prior to beginning my tirades. As a tip, I can tell you that two things to look for are 1. Small children and 2. Big men wearing Jeff Gordon apparel.

! I learned that BBQ’ing in 110 degree heat is just stupid. I also learned that when I’ll be out in such heat and sun, I need to make sure that I apply lotion to the tops of my feet when wearing sandals. I hope my boss will understand that sunburned feet tops are a legitimate ailment and that he will be accommodating when I show up to work on Tuesday wearing slacks, shirt, tie and sandals.

! I learned that giving Lucy and Ethel Play-Doh near carpeted surfaces will not go down in history as one of my top parenting moments. And to think I thought I had averted disaster by telling them ‘now you be careful with this stuff.’ Go figure…

! I learned that despite all my fooling around at work, I had the best stats of anyone in my office this past week. While I have no idea how that happened and certainly cannot give myself the credit, I made the mistake of telling my coworkers about this. Perhaps that is why my cubicle was under constant Nerf Gun attack for the remainder of the week.

And lastly,

! I learned that just because I am having a special evening out with only one of the twins, I don’t need to order $40 dollars worth of appetizers, drinks, dessert and entrees. This is especially true given the fact that Ethel probably only ate $7.50 worth.

*****Q & A Tuesday is coming up and I can't provide the A's if I don't have any Q's. So, if there is anything you want to ask me, anything I can help you with, or if you seek solutions to any of life's problems and mysteries, feel free to ask away!!*****

Repost Saturday: MP3 Players Tell No Tales

Because I am off to the California Speedway today to yell insulting things at Jeff Gordon, I am switching things up a bit. I'm reposting today and will run 'Things I Learned This Week' tomorrow. Have a great day!!

A realization hit me on my daily walk today as Kenny Rogers began on my MP3 player. It wasn’t that the gambler made me think, it was his song “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” I love the song and was walking down the street getting my exercise and singing along. I normally don’t sing or mouth along to songs when I walk, but during this moment I was and became self-conscience as motorists sped by me grinning at the idiot singing that particular song while walking. Here I am trying to stay in shape and I’m singing “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” Next came Kenny and Dolly singing “Islands in the Stream” and I’m still singing.

I started to think that as embarrassing as it was, I really had only myself to blame. It’s not like I bought an album for one good song that happened to have all those other songs on there or someone else placed them on my MP3 player as a joke. Nope, I downloaded them onto my player because I wanted to listen to them. As this stream of thought continued, I started thinking about the other songs and artists on my player: Roger Miller, The Carpenters, John Denver and countless others that many people have never heard of or pretend not to have heard of. Right then and there I realized that I never want anyone to end up with my MP3 player.

Geez, what if I keeled over while walking, had no ID on me and someone listened to my MP3 player to get a better idea of who I was? Do I really want my lasting impression to be the guy that died while listening to “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers?” Do I want my MP3 player to still be playing “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald,” or “Rainy Days And Mondays?’ Of course not!

I’m sure this is a pretty common phenomenon among the multitude of MP3 and Ipod users out there. Would many of them really want the musical skeletons in their closet exposed? Do they really want the world to know that they listen to Andy Gibb singing “I Just Want To Be Your Everything,” or Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock?” If discovered, it could completely shatter their reputation.

“Hey Phil, they’re goes our new co-worker Katie. Rumor has it she has The Bee Gees and Helen Reddy on her Ipod!”

“Oh, I know Susie. I heard Johnny up in accounting heard her singing along to “Alone Again Naturally,” during her walking break today.”

“Oh, I would be soooo embarrassed if I were her. Can you just imagine?”

Here’s the problem though, do you play what you want to or what others would expect you to listen to? I don’t know about you, but I will choose what I want to listen to every time. I love music and if I like it it’s good enough for me. There is no reason for anyone to be ashamed of their musical tastes. But let me say this, you can be darn sure the only way you’ll get my MP3 player from me if the Captain and Tennille are downloaded on it is by prying it out of my cold, dead hand! For me and my MP3 player full of non-hip tunes, love will truly keep us together.


(Editor’s note: the songs mentioned in this blog are done so for storytelling purposes only, they have no factual basis in my listening life, no really)

Labor/Labour Day Is Here

Yes, I realize I used two spellings for Labor/Labour Day. It is in respect for all my friends north of the border. That’s Canada, not the state of Oregon. I learned this week that although it may be spelled differently, Canadians and Americans celebrate Labor Day (I am going to alternate the American and Canadian spellings of it to be fair to all) on the same day. I’m not sure why that fascinates me, but then watching ceiling fans spin fascinates me…a lot.

Well, the sun is setting on yet another summer. I don’t know about you but it sure went by quickly. Too quickly, if you ask me, which for some reason you did not. Labour Day kind of marks the unofficial end to summer, which is somewhat ironic considering it was about 115 degrees here today. Maybe it’s the heatstroke talking, but it sure doesn’t feel like the end of summer with weather like this. I could have roasted a pig in the breeze every time the wind blew today. If the heat index was charted by the quickness with which a slice of cheese melts, this was a heat of fondue proportions. I realize that makes no sense at all, so I will give you another example to compare it to. Cheese melting on a mild spring day would be like putting it in the microwave on high for three minutes (comparatively speaking, mind you). I hope that helps you understand just how hot ‘fondue’ is on my heat index. Seriously, what the heck did I just write????

I think I would like to take the remainder of this post to recount the highlights of my summer for you. Uhhhh, ummmmm (this is where the camera pans way out to reveal the view of a forest while all you can hear are the sounds of nature). There had to be some highlights from my summer.

I know, there was my trip to SeaWorld with Lucy and Ethel. That’s where we saw the Lesser Flamingos (which I did a post about) who are colored a light pink. I will forever have the photo I took of Lucy and Ethel posed with their cotton candy of the same color in front of the Lesser Flamingos. The resulting picture looked like they are holding a Lesser Flamingo that they hunted and bagged. If either one of them ever dates a hunter, I am definitely breaking out the scrapbook with that gem in it.

Then there was the 4th of July. My nation’s birthday is one of my favorite days of the year. This year was extra special because an American finally won the famous Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest. Not only did Joey Chestnut win, he beat the reigning champion from Japan who happened to throw up in the contest’s final few moments. It may not be on par (yet) with the 1980 Olympic hockey upset over the Russians, but it was pretty cool. Of course that’s not actually anything I did this summer. I spent my 4th of July falling asleep in Lucy and Ethel’s kiddy pool without sunscreen on. After at least two hours of my sunny slumber, I was awakened by my ever-faithful, ever-watchful dog that just happened to wake up before I did. I think I’m still sunburned. I literally began to cry whenever I put a tie on for the two weeks following that.

Then there was the memory of barbecuing that will remain seared into my mind. Why will it be seared into my mind you ask? Because it seared me, that’s why. It seemed like such a good idea at the time to add lighter fluid to charcoal already pre-soaked with it. According to my calculations, it should have helped the charcoal ignite and burn faster, thereby reducing the amount of time I would need to wait to introduce meat onto the grill. There was just one thing I didn’t take into consideration beforehand…the wind that day. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that the flame from the charcoal briquettes was actually chasing me around the patio as if I was Pee Wee Herman running. I went left, it went left. I went right, it went right. If that is what hell is going to be like, I’d better stop playing practical jokes on my coworkers right away. I’m pretty sure the column of flame could have been spotted from space. By the way, when flame is attacking you, a spatula doesn’t provide much protection.

That brings me to my most recent summer memory. That’s the one when I actually got in trouble with my nurse because I walked too far from the nurses station during my recent hospital visit. If they didn’t want me to walk out of range of the wireless heart monitor’s reach, then they should have told me to not go to the other side of the hospital wing. And why is it they can get wireless heart monitors to deliver a signal but I couldn’t get a Wi-Fi connection? I will be writing such a nasty letter to my healthcare provider when I decide to take the time to do so. Eventually. Whenever.

So, as we prepare for Labor/Labour Day weekend and celebrate the close of summer, let us remember what an enjoyable summer this was. We should prepare happily for the gentle caress of fall, the changing of the leaves and cooler weather. Well maybe in other parts of the country. Not much will change here in Southern California. In fact, it’ll be warm enough that I can still wear white until Thanksgiving!!!

P.S. If you want to, feel free to rate my blog at Blog Interviewer. I'd say there's something in it for you if you do, but then I'd just be lying...

P.S.S (Or is that P.S. squared?) I just posted a little end of the week podcast.

Repost Thursday: Tonight’s Main Event…Is In The Operating Room

This Reuter’s story sounds more like an episode of Scrubs or that serious medical drama with some guy named something like Dr. McDoodle that everyone loves to talk about these days. I think it’s called St. Elsewhere? Seriously, the story was about two professional, by the book doctors in Belgrade who got into a fistfight during an appendix operation. I thought it was called the Hippocratic Oath, not the Hit-ocratic Oath. The fight was a really rough and tumble affair according to the story that reported one doctor pulling the ear and slapping the face of the other. Man, do those Belgradians (or is it just simply people from Belgrade) really know how to fight!

As someone who’s had a few surgeries or so in his day, I would love to have been awake to see it. Do you think the patient was told about the fight that ensued during their operation after awaking from the anesthesia? I vaguely remember signing my life away before being put under but I don’t recall giving the surgeons my OK to go six rounds while my body lay cut open. I guess I would have been fine with it as long as they didn’t bump into my heart/lung bypass machine during the melee.

Once again, I think we’ve accidentally tapped into a great new reality TV series. I’ll give it the working title of Professional Punches until I can think of something better. Wouldn’t it be great to see two lawyers break into fisticuffs during a serious trial? How about seeing members of Congress beating the legislation out of each other? Heck that happens all the time in other countries. I’d suggest postal workers or air traffic controllers fighting one another, but they’ve been pretty well maligned already. Although one of the episodes could involve two brawling airline stewardesses. Oh, never mind, when I stop to really think about it, that would probably fall into an entirely different type of television. I imagine it would most likely be the type of television you have to pay extra for…

Apparently, reports that one of the doctors kept yelling ‘I float like anesthesia and sting like an IV,’ have not been confirmed. Just imagine all of the ‘weapons’ that could be made available to anyone fighting in an operating room. You have to believe that a bedpan to the head would cause some serious pain. Although who’s worried about pain when you could take a shot of morphine and strike back with a scalpel to the arm?

Fortunately, the attending assistant doctor was able to finish the surgery while the fight wrapped up. There is concern though that one of the doctor’s knocked out teeth has still not been found and the patient is complaining of a sharp, almost bite like pain in the abdomen. I’m sure it’s not related though…

And Then There Are The Times When We Work…

I had been out of the office working in the field the last few days, so needless to say, I wasn’t super thrilled at walking back into the office this morning. However, what I encountered when I got to work was so unexpected that the day actually ended up being quite enjoyable. It turns out that an unknown person left ‘gifts’ for most of us under our desks. We don’t think it was our boss, we don’t think it was someone who entered our office and accidentally left all of his (or her…I believe in equality) things strategically placed under our chairs and it’s not the time of year for Santa sightings. Whoever this mysterious gift-bearing elf was, he or she certainly is kind! The gifts that were left for us weren’t your usual gifts of silver, frankincense and mir (sorry, I couldn’t help myself there). These were toy guns that shoot NERF darts and NERF balls.

Being the efficient group that we are, we didn’t take long to use them. In fact, before lunchtime, I had already been shot at twelve times. I am actually in awe of the speed that Female Coworker’s gun shoots the NERF darts. I am also in awe of her accuracy in shooting said darts. Perhaps if I had not caught the first dart barehanded between my two fingers (ok, that gives the wrong impression. I actually do possess all ten of my digits) that she shot at me from across the hall; she would have stopped shooting at me. In fact, she made it such a mission of hers to get one by me that several embarrassing moments occurred. Every time I approached her office for the rest of the day, I did so while holding my hand over my ‘man area.’ Needless to say, this created a few awkward moments as employees from other departments walked by to see me entering or exiting her office shielding my aforementioned ‘man area.’ As if that wasn’t bad enough, Female Coworker figured out how to shoot her darts with real power (TWSS). This made every dart she launched sail over my cubicle wall and into the unsuspecting office of Mommy To Be coworker. I ran into her office as quickly as I could and when she showed alarm, I casually asked her ‘did anything happen to strike your head within the last thirty seconds or so?’ When she replied that nothing had, I retrieved the errant dart and returned it to Female Coworker (and yes, my man area was still shielded because she was still packing heat – TWSS. Sorry, I had to).

Then came my turn to shoot my gun towards Female Coworker. Unfortunately, this is when new guy chose to walk by. Let’s put it this way. The sound that the ball made when it struck his thigh is NOT the sound that a soft, spongy NERF-like substance should make when it strikes clothed human flesh. It was then that I realized the power of my weapon. Ok, I was going to try to be above this but can’t waste such a good opportunity, so…TWSS! I actually spent all day trying to get my coworkers to say TWSS, but it never caught on, can you believe that? I also spent way too much time walking around with the NERF Darts suctioned to my head, but no one found it the least bit funny. Do you also ever get the feeling that you just don’t belong?

When my boss came down the hall to ask if he should eat a day old donut in our break room, all guns were stowed and we went back to work, with darts and balls strewn all over the office. I explained to him that a donut was nothing but preservatives anyway and it should be ok. I think he appreciated my insight. I just hope the night cleaning staff isn’t miffed and turns me into him about the note I left asking them to kindly return the missing ball from my gun if they come across it tonight.

A little later Female Coworker asked us if we wanted to see her new economy-luxury car (which I will refer to going forward as Eco-Lux). Now I realize how oxy-moronorific a statement this is, but apparently, such a thing exists. I mean I know it does because I have seen it. It’s like the Frankenstein of fine cars with its Jag looking front and Lincoln Continental hind end. After she scolded us for ten minutes about getting too close to it or not getting into it while dirty, we congratulated her on her purchase, kicked the tires and went back into the office. In case you were wondering, we should not have kicked the tires…Female Coworker doesn’t like that.

To her credit, Female Coworker decided to drive us all to lunch in her new Eco-Lux car. While driving with her is always a white-knuckled experience, we got to Chili’s in relative safety. We ordered way too much food. At one point Female Coworker made mention of doing what a Bulimapologymist would do when they eat too much food. As we were not sure what this meant, I asked if she was referring to a person with an eating disorder who is married to multiple people. The five knuckles that then struck my left arm told me that was most certainly NOT what she meant. After the meal we all piled back into the pearl colored Eco-Lux for the trip back to the office. And then the most revealing part of the day occurred. For it is then that the woman who uses the F-bomb at the drop of a hat and who has taught the entire staff new and never before heard cuss words put on praise music for us to listen to. Everyone in the car mentioned how odd this was and she responded by profanely telling us all where we could go and what we could do when we get there. Hours later, I am still not sure how we all were not struck by lightning today. So here we all were flying down the local city streets with Female Coworker singing along to her blaring praise music while cussing out nearby slower motorists. After several close calls, I can tell you without a doubt that driving while playing music loudly does in fact diminish one’s ability to concentrate on their driving.

When we finally got back to the office, we were all singing our own praise and thanks. Sadly, I know that for years to come I will awaken scared to death in the middle of the night to the image of the green Chevy tailgate that we just missed smashing into. Oh yeah, about the work mentioned in today’s title, well it didn’t get done today. Maybe tomorrow...or the day after that...

By the way, not to take away from my blog post, but for those of you that appreciate this type of thing, isn't this the coolest picture ever? Could it be the Farrah Fawcett poster for this generation? Yeah, I'm probably making too much of it...

****I am going to be doing a Q&A Podcast, so hop on over and leave me a question. If you want to. No pressure...*****

Q & A Tuesday…Again.

Happy Tuesday! Well, here we are again, another Q&A Tuesday. I just finished my homemade quesadilla with salsa, it’s late and I had one too many Diet Mountain Dews today, so what follows should be very, very interesting. There’s another great batch of questions this week and I’m about 25% positive that I didn’t miss any again this week (sorry Odat).

Remember, you get bonus points if you spot the Tina Fey or That’s What She Said references. I know you hate this part, but my legal counsel says I need to review the rules again: no note taking, you will reference these questions in public at your own risk, I fact check nothing because by the time I am done, I am far too lazy tired to spell or grammar check. Ok, here we go…

The Exception becomes the rule this week since her questions are up first. She asked:
Which is your favorite Looney Tunes Cartoon?
I have always been a fan of Elmer Fudd. However, please do not let this be a reflection on me or my appearance.

What is your all time, absolute favorite, meal?
That’s a toughie. So, I’ll just combine the 2 meals into one great large ‘you are about to be electrocuted at midnight’ type of feast. Cheeseburgers, Strawberry Malt, French Fries, Lobster tail (can you find the second meal I added yet??) all topped off with a nice slice of Key Lime Pie. And a 4-mile walk. And a some sit-ups…

Why haven't you sent me my interview questions?
Uhhh, ya got me. But let the record reflect that after seven days, I did manage to get them to you. Perhaps I should be crowned the King of Procrasti Nation or something...but more on that later in this post...

What is your favorite part about being a dad?
Awwww. Everything. But I will say that it’s having two little best friends who want to make me laugh just as much as I want to make them laugh. It’s having these two adorable little people look up to you (both literally and figuratively) and WANT you to spend time with them and want to show off for you and want hugs and kisses and bedtime stories and coloring. It’s watching them grow and mature, even if it’s just a little sad at the same time. If I continue on, I risk getting Ver Klempt, so I will stop here. There is a major transformation when you realize you have two little sunshines to brighten up every day.

Lis, who’s style of illustrating thoroughly enjoy, asked a topical question. It was ‘what will you do when you run out of posts to recycle? Recycle recycled posts?’
Wow, say that last sentence several time quickly! I guess when it gets to the point that I start repost yesterday’s post today that it’s time to quit. It has been hard lately to keep writing every day and I have read the same thing on a lot of my favorite bloggers’ sites lately. Maybe it’s an end of summer doldrum or something. Maybe I’ll repost other people’s blog posts. I’m sure there is some sort of copyright infringement against this though, so I just won’t tell the person that wrote the post I’m using. You won’t say anything either, will you?


Airam, the Queen of Procrasti Nation (Woo Hoo, she named me King and is responsible for me starting to podcast) posed some great questions for me this week. Although I think she was just asking them to procrastinate, but I’m cool with that. She asked:
‘Have you ever been mistaken for John Travolta because of your cleft chin?’
Uh no. I think that’s only because I don’t own my own airliner and never got to be a Sweat Hog. Although I do a very good impression of him on the dance floor. But then cue up ‘Staying Alive’ and what guy doesn’t, right? Perhaps it’s just because I am better looking than he is. Or perhaps I am just making that up…

‘Do people randomly come up to you and say, "Tell me about it ... stud!"’
Unfortunately, no they do not. They call me plenty of things, but most cannot be repeated here and some of them I have never heard of or are difficult for me to pronounce. If there is a magical land where people randomly come up to you and address you as stud, then I should move there. It must be better than living in Corona. I could really get used to that. Ok, I guess if anyone wants to, they can begin calling me stud.

Lastly, Airam asked ‘why did Justin Timberlake feel as though he needed to bring sexy back? Did it ever really go away? Or is he just THAT full of himself?’
Well, those are questions that have plagued all of us lately. I think Justin is just that full of himself (TWSS). I think he missed hearing his name used in magazines, radio and TV so felt that he must bring sexy back. That is of course buying into the notion that one believes Mr. Timberlake IS sexy, which I do not. I don’t think sexy ever went away at all. I mean Tina Fey has been here the whole time. Wow, I used both references in the same answer!!!!! I’ll be honest, I have never heard of any of Justin’s solo songs. You don’t ever hear about country legend George Jones singing about bringing sexy back. Even Sinatra, the king of cool cats never tried to bring sexy back. Besides, I don’t think Justin has a sexy back at all…

That brings us to my bestest blogging buddy Odat, who through some horrible technical glitch last week, had her question skipped (which is why she put them in all caps this week). She asked (and patiently waited for an answer)
1)IF ALL IS NOT LOST, WHERE IS IT?
Probably at the bottom of the sea. Or maybe the dog ate it. Perhaps it was just misplaced. These are all very common answers when something cannot be found. However, I much more prefer ‘well, it was here two seconds ago, so the better question to be asking is what did YOU do with it?’ Put the asking party on the defensive, thereby deflecting any responsibility from yourself. However, I could never do that to Odat, but you get the point. Yep, I have no idea where ‘all that is not lost’ went. Maybe we should ask Justin Timberlake since he managed to tell us he found ‘sexy’ and brought it back.

2) IF YOU HAVE A CURED HAM, WHAT DISEASE DID IT HAVE???
I think it had the disease called ‘living.’ I mean who wants to eat a live pig? We cured the pig of living so that we could eat it. MMMMMMMM, pork products…. I’m sorry, what was I writing about again?

Frigga sent me a question this week and it was good one. Frigga wanted to know ‘Who would you rather be, Darth Vader, or Jeff Gordon?’
That’s an easy one Frigga. I hate Jeff Gordon. He makes my blood boil and possesses no fancy Dark Side powers or Sith-like abilities. He just has really good race equipment. Darth Vader on the other hand is the man in black (much like Johhny Cash and the late great Dale Earnhardt Sr., who COULD drive a race car, I might add). Darth can choke people without touching them, which would be so cool to be able to do at work. He has that really cool heavy breathing (don’t get the wrong idea) and talks in a really deep voice. I bet he kicks butt when he sings ‘Old Man River’ at karaoke bars on the 13th level of the Death Star, or the cantina on Tatooine. Crap, I fear I just outed myself as a dork. But if I was Darth Vader, no one would dare question my dorkyness because they would all fear me (cue the heavy breathing)…

Patti sent me the following question. I had to reread it 13 times to make sure I understood it and kept messing up the phrasing. Her question was: ‘Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers; A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?’
They are presently in a pea production plant in Pittsburgh, probably.

Last up this week, we have Best Bud’s Wife. Hmmmm, now I wonder who that could be (he he he). You might detect a slight theme with these great questions…
What about Bob?
One of my favorite movies. I’m not sure if I know a Bob, now that I think of it. Therefore I cannot asses what should be done about him.

What's in your wallet?
Not much. Certainly not money. I really want to get away from carrying a wallet. Would I sound too girly if I said that wallets make my butt look big? Yeah, I probably would, so strike that from the record. I want to be a money clip dude. It think cool is projected much better when you remove a money clip from your pocket rather than try to yank a wallet out of your backside. I was so flirting with a TWSS there!

Who framed Roger Rabbit?
This is just a guess, but probably Aaron Brothers who specialize in framing things. Hopefully they went with the dark stained oak and glare resistant glass for the framing of Roger. It’s a little more expensive, but the finished project looks very good. Oh yeah, it needs to have the simple white matte border. That helps, too.

Where's Waldo?
He may be hiding with the help of Pakistanis in the mountains of Tora Bora. At least that’s the last place we thought he was. He’s very elusive.

Do you know the way to San Jose?
Well, no I don’t. I think my God Mother lives there and I have been there, but was too young to drive. However, I am very familiar with the way to San Bernardino, and that’s all that really matters. And I don’t mean the way you get there by going through St. Louie, Joplin, Missouri And Oklahoma City (which looks mighty pretty). Or they way you go where you'll see Amarillo, Gallup, New Mexico, Flagstaff Arizona, don't forget Winona, Kingman, Barstow, San Bernardino. Well, you get the point.

Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
I’ve always thought of myself as more of a seasoning salt or marinade or meat rub. They might not be as common, but they are so much more flavorful and vital to producing a good piece of grilled meat. Although that really wasn’t your question, was it? Sorry…

Well, that wraps another week for Q & A Tuesday. Thanks again for a great batch of questions and remember to check out my new podcast page. Have a great week!!

Repost Sunday: A Slow Pitch Right Down The Middle

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy.

When you get your inspiration from making fun of odd news stories, it doesn’t get any easier than this: A woman with the last name of Butts was accused of stealing toilet paper from an Iowa Courthouse. Ok, it could have been just a little better; her last name could have been something like Wipey. Yeah, I would pay someone with the last name of Wipey to steal toilet paper. Hey, what about Hiney? Hiney would be good too.

What I can’t figure out is why someone with such a ‘touchy’ or ‘sensitive’ last name as Butts would ever try to steal toilet paper, let alone steal it from a hall of justice, how cheeky. Sorry. Couldn’t she think of better booty to loot? Now she’ll be the butt of many jokes, although she probably already is. I can think of a few of my own to well, crack. Of course, I would never make them directly to someone with the last name of Butts because I wouldn’t want to look like an ass. I guess in hindsight, I already do.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the stealing thing. It has to be on par with stealing a candy bar from a police station vending machine. I wanted to say stealing donuts from a donut shop, but that’s too obvious so I decided to glaze right over it and just sprinkle it in there. I don’t like to leave holes in my stories. Maybe the Butts family could open a cigarette shop or sell a certain prosthesis? But…which body part? How about chins? My favorite is the cleft chin, like the one I possess. Some folks refer to that as a butt-chin, although that should probably be a different tale.

I guess I really have no other point to make. I’ve already come up with every angle of this story that I could. Unfortunately, I can be anal that way. So, I’ll wrap it up now. This could be my shortest post ever but it will allow me to cook dinner tonight. For some reason, I thinking of either rump roast or, yes you guessed it, pork butt, which isn’t what you’d think it is. I think it comes from the shoulder. Although in some animals, the definition of shoulder can be very broad…You know what, I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Or am I behind?

******I have officially become a Podcaster. Click here to check out my very first spoken post...please be kind....

******Here's my weekly reminder to get your questions in for Q&A Tuesday. Yes, tomorrow is Monday, but I find lately that I am filled with such sorrow and despair on Mondays that I can't bring myself to blog. Unless I were to write about death, depression and Rachael Ray, but I wouldn't do that to you.*********

Things I Learned This Week: 8/25/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason it never makes me look good. I hope that knowing about at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier.

! I learned that powdered sugar should never be a waffle topping for a young child’s breakfast. This has nothing to do with raising their sugar level and them being rambunctious in school, it’s because the floor will look like it received a foot of snow.

! I learned that I should never have shown Lucy and Ethel how to copy what other people are saying. Especially me. Especially when I never know when or where they are going to start playing ‘the copy game.’ Especially when I may or may not have just unleashed a curse-laden tirade about something most people would find insignificant.

! I learned that tipping a waitress an extra $8 because she was cute doesn’t rest well with my coworkers. It’s not her fault that she forgot Partner In Crime’s extra side of Ranch. I’m sure there was a very good reason that she put Mayo on his burger after he asked for no Mayo.

! I learned that a horrible hacking cough and the disclaimer that I fear I am getting pneumonia is a great way to make sure people avoid my office. It’s also a great excuse for cutting phone calls short, and for getting the entire pot of coffee to myself.

! I learned that the rest of my coworkers don’t appreciate me celebrating Kenny Rogers’ birthday in the office with a daylong musical tribute. I also learned that when I leave my desk for more than a few minutes, my Kenny Rogers Birthday Musical Extravaganza will be sabotaged.

! I learned that watching ‘Lobster Wars’ on the Discovery Channel makes me crave lobster to the point that I can’t see straight. Perhaps I should write a letter to Red Lobster telling them to advertise during this show, as it is sure to increase traffic in their fine establishments. I also learned that watching four straight episodes of ‘Dirty Jobs’ is a great weight loss tool. I should publicize this so I can rule the airwaves like that annoying Jarrod from Subway!

And lastly,

! I learned that I have really let my twins’ new rebellious behavior get to me when I have a dream that my dog Mabel has a twin and the twin is bent on attacking me every time I bend over. I can tell you that imaginary twin-dog butt bites hurt, A LOT! The only thing I can’t figure out is why my ass hurts so much…

They Actually Had To Do A Study For This???

OK, I just finished reading a Reuters news story that said researchers in Canada have discovered that young male students do better when being tutored in reading by female tutors rather than male tutors. The boys that were studied were in the third and fourth grades. Uhhhh, isn’t that when boys start to really ‘discover’ the fairer sex?

I wonder if the study involved watching Van Halen’s ‘Hot For Teacher’ video. There is also a nice tutoring scene in Adam Sandler’s ‘Billy Madison’ that comes to mind too! Were the results of this study really a surprise? Yeah the male tutor could use things like sport analogies and high fives to connect with his student, but all the female tutor has to do is show up and speak in soft dulcet tones.

Yes I’m probably being sexist here, but if I had to be tutored for work (ok, it’s more like WHEN I need to be tutored for work), I would pay a lot more attention to the female work tutor than I would the man. Although, if the man liked NASCAR and had a real appreciation for the miracle that is the deep fryer, I’ll admit that we would not get much done because we’d be talking about what a God Dale Earnhardt was, what a little girly boy Jeff Gordon is and try to one up each other with stories of the greatest things we have ever tried to deep fry. Now if the work tutor was a woman who was paying attention to me (if only because she was being paid to help me become a better worker), I would most certainly give her more attention than the guy. I’d probably hang on her every word and become more productive over night.

Then there’s the chance that the whole thing would backfire and I’d actually tank the learning so that I’d get to spend more time with my female tutor. That’s just a joke because I’m not really THAT bad of a guy, I swear. Unless the female tutor could name several NASCAR tracks and smiled at the mention of things like bounce houses. Then who could blame me for wanting to learn more? OK, I got lost in my thoughts for a moment…what was I writing about? Yes, that’s right, the study that showed boys learn more from female tutors. Hmmmm, a bunch of awkward hormonal kids spending one on one time so close to a woman? Yeah, the tutor would have their full attention. I hope this wasn’t a very expensive study!

Speaking of recent published study results, I came across another one yesterday. I logged into my internet account last night ready to visit my favorite blogs, download pictures of cheddar and Colby Jack cheese for my cubicle walls and to catch a few 30 Rock episodes on Youtube. But what did I encounter before that? An unclothed very elderly couple seen from the shoulders up in a deep and uh, loving embrace. It was awkward to see and then it got even more awkward when I read the headline that accompanied the photo: ‘Study reveals the elderly are having more sex than thought.’

Uh, um, whoa, gee, well, oh boy…I’m speechless. The last time I was this speechless I was under general anesthesia. Explain to me why this was so important for me know. How was this study conducted? More importantly, WHY was this study conducted? You know what, I just can’t continue with this. Can we just come to an agreement and declare that whatever happens in these ‘experienced’ couples’ Craftmatic Adjustable old people’s beds stays in their Craftmatic Adjustable old people’s beds?

I'm Too Lazy Thursday Repost: Bring Ye Your Fat, Your Tired, Your Asthmatic…

I must have celebrated the big 4-0-0 too much or something yesterday because I KNOW I had a good idea at some point within the last 24 hours. I just seemed to have either lost it, misplaced it or dreamed it. Sorry 'bout that. Here's a repost...

Reuters recently reported that Australia has decided it’s time to increase the size of their army. Having committed soldiers in the Pacific Islands to monitor destabilization has left the Australian army a little thin. However, a new plan proposed by the military’s leadership will fatten their army, in more ways than one.

Australia’s army is going to loosen the requirements for military service (and waist size). This will allow overweight individuals and borderline asthmatics to become Australian soldiers. One of the highest ranking military officials in Australia was quoted as saying he wasn’t worried about the methods used to increase his forces because (and this is a real quote, not a fabricated one) “we're good at getting people fit and taking the weight off them.” He makes it sound so obvious that you wonder why any military wouldn’t run out and sign up all the unfit people they can find.

I am currently reading David McCullough’s “1776” about George Washington’s leadership of America’s Continental Army during the revolution. I bring this up because as desperate as this young country was for soldiers to fight the British, we didn’t even resort to what Australia has proposed. Now granted we had no problem enlisting the elderly and the occasional 14-year male, but we never enlisted asthmatics. That’s just cruel.

If the Australian government is anything like ours, I’m sure they’ve researched the impact this will have on their army. Have they thought about how many potential soldiers they will lose during training though? Can you imagine how grueling boot camp will be for these recruits? It’ll be very similar to NBC’s “Biggest Loser.” Man, that could end up being the next big thing in reality TV. The Australian Army could call it “Fitness Camp – March to the Death” and either sell the rights for it or air it themselves and make a killing (non-militarily speaking, of course) on ad revenue. The money they bring in could be used to bankroll their military industrial complex for years to come.

The recruits could be divided into teams with the overweight folks on one team battling against the asthmatics on the other. I’m not a big fan of reality TV, but this one might be fun to watch. The team that loses a particular week’s boot camp training exercise competition has to vote which recruit to kick off. The eventual individual winner of the show wins money and an automatic military promotion to a higher rank.

The Australians are brilliant. Not only did they give us Paul Hogan, Men At Work and shrimp on the bar-b, but they were also home to the Bee Gees for a few years before they made it big. All of that pales in comparison though to what they can teach our military leadership…a way to make Americans fit, increase the size of our military and entertain us at the same time. To Australia, I say thank you and Good Day, mate.

399 More Than I Ever Planned On

This is my 400th post. Gheesh that’s a lot. Perhaps too many. I came across this realization Saturday as I wrote about how my twins see shapes in their dog’s ‘eliminations.’ Perhaps I have covered all the writeable territory there is. I have already tackled some of life’s most important topics like cheese, Kenny Rogers, the Office and the angel that is one Ms. Tina Fey. I’ve waxed poetic about lobster, Las Vegas and bounce houses. I’ve shared things that I’ve learned and fielded questions from my favorite visitors. I’ve angered written about my coworkers and professed my lust fine appreciation of grilled meats. I think I have also admitted to liking the Bee Gees, quite possibly more than once. It’s all been fun, but maybe, just maybe there is more to it all.

So, I have turned a corner. I am now going to write about important things. I mean I know that cheese is important, but when I talk about it, certain people’s eyes tend to glaze over. I’m talking about real serious things here like Medicare, Politics, Religion, Finance, Global Warming (I mean it was really hot here today) and the escalating price of a drink at Starbucks. These are the issues that concern us and define us as a people. I have a lot to say about these things and cannot hold my tongue or excitement at the idea of writing about them any longer.

So, I shall begin with this post. Today’s topic will be about the proliferation of the internet in attracting volunteers to political campaigns. Ok, you know what; I can’t do this with a straight face. I’ve tried to sit at the big table, but always feel more at ease at the kid’s table. I’ve tried to sip fine wine, but always come back to soda.

Perhaps I should celebrate #400 just as if it were post #287. I have no idea what I wrote about for #287, but it probably mentioned me getting in trouble…at work….or with the twins…or at a local restaurant...well, you get the point. It may have also mentioned Fred Willard. The man is a genius. I could tell you that today is Kenny Rogers’ birthday. I listened to him all day long, much to the chagrin of my coworkers. I’m sure they would not have been as violently angry with me if I had turned it down a little, but it’s The Gambler’s birthday! I’m not sure how old he is, but he doesn’t look a day over…oh let’s say an artificial 55. Why, he looks just as good as Burt Reynolds does. I think any public picture of each of those men should contain a disclaimer that reads something like ‘butchered professionals on a closed course…do not try this at home.’ But that’s just me.

I could write about the miracle that is cargo pants and shorts. With pockets everywhere, it’s like having a purse strategically attached to your clothing. Seriously, I don’t even carry a wallet anymore. Granted I have to fumble around through four different pockets to find anything, but it beats having a hunk of leather slapped to my rear (that’s what she said). It would not be out of the ordinary to write about how I sound like an American Idol finalist when I sing out loud with the music but when I sing around the office without it, I am actually booed.

The idea of an amusement park named Kitchenland seemed to go well. I probably should devote some time to that. Magic Kingdom? No, Magic Kitchen! Blogworthy moments with my twins are always easy to do. For example, when Ethel accidentally flipped me off last night while showing me her cut middle finger, I sprinted to find my digital camera to catch the moment. In hindsight, it might be a good thing that she wouldn’t show me again once I found it.

An interesting topic might be how quickly the human body can be propelled from a treadmill. Not that I’d know or anything. Not that I learned this lesson personally last night when I tried running on the treadmill momentarily without holding on to anything. Nope, I have no clue about the velocity of mankind when launched from such exercise devices. None at all…

Q & A Tuesday 399th Post Extravaganza

I was planning on celebrating my 400^th post in grand Q & A style. That was before I wasn’t able to get a Monday post done, so this is only post number 399, which is kinda fruitless. If you are a baseball player, 399 homeruns won’t get you in the hall of fame. So, let’s hope I can make it to 400. Before I begin, it is important to warn inform you of the following things: nothing here was researched, my answers will probably get me forever banned from contributing on Wikipedia, my answers should never be quoted or referenced in any public or social forum, there will probably be at least one reference to Tina Fey and at least one incidence of TWSS (which is the new ‘hip’ way for me to say that’s what she said. Let’s hope it takes blogsville by storm!). So, remain seated please; Permanecer sentados por favor…

Airam begins the festivities with an Oz inspiring question. She wondered ‘If you had to choose between having a heart (like the tin man) or having a brain (like scarecrow) or having courage (like lion) or having red ruby slippers (like dorothy), which would you choose and why?’
Wow, so many to choose from. With my heart problems, I should immediately answer The Tin man, but I’m not smart enough to get by without a brain. I think I’m ok on courage and the ruby reds would make me look like Klinger on MASH. By process of elimination, I will have to say a brain like the scarecrow. Although I would really rather have that cool voice enhancing curtained telephone booth that the Wizard had. See, without my brain, I was not able to realize that that wasn’t an option.

Continuing with the ‘ask a deep question’ theme, Not Fearing Change asked ‘How do we make the world a better place?’
Since nothing was mentioned about peace, harmony or the brotherhood of mankind, I am going to answer with ‘soft inflatable bumpers,’ like the kind they use for small kids (or me) down at the bowling alley. Seriously, doesn’t everyone believe the world would be a much better place if it were just one big bounce house? I think so. We could all just bounce to and fro and I’m pretty sure that would help us all get into shape. Besides, with soft bumpers and bouncy thingies all over, it’s bound to make auto insurance rates go down. It is virtually impossible to hurt something against a bouncy side. Believe me, I have tried…extensively.

My fellow Rat Packer Ralph asked ‘Do you love your Chevy Truck so much that you would have Mabel pee on a Ford truck?’
For those of you who don’t know, Mabel is my golden retriever…not Lucy or Ethel’s real name. I have a good friend who is a social worker and she reads this blog, so I just wanna clear that up. But then, she already knows Lucy and Ethel’s real names, so my joke is kinda pointless. I would have to say no, I’m still trying to get her NOT to go in the grass, so I don’t want to confuse her even more. By the way, does anyone happen to know where there is a levee in Corona, California so that I can go drive my Chevy down by it? Or, as I believe George Jones and Tammy Wynette (who beat the heck outta Tim McGraw and Faith Hill by the way) once sang (as did Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in a recent commercial)…we aren’t the jet set, we’re the old Chevrolet set…

ARM, who can probably appreciate the George and Tammy song I just mentioned, got right to the heart of me with her questions: ‘Which character from The Office do you relate to the most. Which character do you wish you could be? Which character would you like to gouge out their eyes with a pencil?’
I probably do relate to Jim the most, but I’ve got a lot of Kevin and a little bit of Toby in me (TWSS – that’s what she said….was it ever more appropriate? Plus I got it worked into this post). I most wish that I could be Jim. I mean he’s probably gonna get Pam and he already has Karen. What’s next? Jim gets Jan Levinson Gould?? As far as the pencil gouging, you might think I’d say Dwight, but he’s so entertaining. I would say Angela. When I’m annoyed, it would be Kelly.

Lone Grey Squirrel shows that he is the true intellectual with his questions.
1. (Economics) Why is it that I am poor while Paris Hilton is rich?
That’s a good question. It might have something to do with the fact that your family never established a very large hotel chain (I'm assuming). I’m not sure she has actually ever made a dime on her own. Then again, she probably doesn’t even know what a dime is.

2. (Science) If the Star Trek Holodeck was really invented, what would you use it for?
Good question. Perhaps I would use it to take Tina Fey (there, I worked her in) to a greasy diner for disco fries and corn dogs while I make her read my blog until she gives me a job. I might also pretend it’s one big bounce house that serves lobster and has plenty of Lime-Aid on tap. Yes, now I want a holodeck. Can they be ordered by catalog yet??

3. (History) What really happened to the Lost Colony at Roanoke Island, Virginia?
I don’t know, we never found them. Get it? They’re lost and we never found them? Ok, you’re right, it might not be as funny as I think. My guess is that they heard there were no Starbucks in Virginia and headed for the Carolinas.

4. (Art) What is the difference between a painting done by a chimpanzee and one that is sold for millions as modern art?
Most likely it’s due to the fact that the chimp flings its own ‘eliminations.’ Or perhaps the chimps don’t have a good agent like Thomas Kincaide does. Seriously, do we need to have bath towels with his paintings on it? I think Charmin will be releasing their ‘Works of Thomas Kincaide’ toilet paper rolls in the fall.

5. (Sociology)How do ugly guys like Mick Jagger get such pretty wives and girlfriends? Is there hope for me?
The obvious answer is money. One could also say it’s his stellar dance moves, but I used to impersonate him in high school and never got one single date out of it. I think it’s because his pretty wives and girlfriends know that they will have access to his closest, like is leggings and stuff. Get some sweats, a tight fitting leotard-like shirt and some leggings and there is PLENTY of hope for you!

6. (Politics) How can squirrels conquer the world?
One nut at a time (that’s what she said – it’s just so hard to stop saying that!!) First they probably need to form a political party. Then develop a military. My parents live in the mountains of Southern California and I have seen squirrels there fight over one peanut. Believe me, they have what it takes to rule the world. Cue the scary background music….

Next up is Brandy. Wow her questions were tough for me this week for some reason. You all have to respect her because she keeps a Dwight Bobblehead doll on her nightstand. This means that I have to surrender my claim to being the World’s Biggest Office Fan’ to her. She asked:
1. Would you rather have sustainable world peace or free cheese for everyone for the rest of eternity?
I don’t really think there is a choice to me made there, Bran. Free cheese for everyone forever WOULD lead to sustainable world peace. Our arteries may be more clogged than my spam email folder, but we’d all be so happy that we’d forget our differences. Loss of blood flow due to the clogged arteries would probably help us forget just a little too.

2. Is a dream a wish your heart makes, or is it the result of a life time of images, sounds, ideas randomly being put together in a haphazard way that mean nothing?
That’s deep Bran! Quite possibly, too deep for me. However, I will attempt an answer nonetheless. The ‘images, sounds, ideas randomly being put together in a haphazard way that mean nothing’ is actually my blog. I don’t think there are very many random dreams. I don’t dream very often, but when I do, it was a dream that I enjoyed so much I was upset when I woke up, which must mean there was a reason for it. Perhaps this could be due to the fact that waking up means it’s time to head to work…or that I dream about food and wake up hungry.

3. If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be? And does Martina McBride ever age, or is she part robot like I suspect?
Right now I would choose to be on a Caribbean island, or Scranton, Pennsylvania. It’s a very tough decision. Martina McBride has not aged a bit since she debuted in about 1995 singing ‘My Baby Loves Me.’ Although I’m a Sara Evans man myself, she is a beautiful woman who never fails to look or sound amazing. I think she’s more angel than Robot. The real robot is Shania Twain. Every song sounds exactly the same…I blame her husband who is her programmer producer.

SilverNeurotic asked ‘Who did you have to bribe to release you from the loony bin...er...the hospital?’
No one. I just annoyed the heck out of them until they could endure me no longer. Bringing in outside food, walking way too far from the nurses station, randomly taking one of the heart monitor leads off my chest and keeping my room at 62 degrees all no doubt helped facilitate my discharge. Next time I’m hospitalized, I’m going to sing ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ Whenever a nurse enters the room. I’ll be there one day, tops!

Erica AP also had a question about dreams. She asked ‘Have you heard of people only dreaming in black & white or in cartoons? And do you do that?’
I have not heard of the cartoon part, although it would be VERY cool to have a cartoon dream. I did once watch 8 straight Simpsons episodes and only saw things in yellows, blues, reds, whites and purples afterward. I have dreamt in black and white though, but it usually ends in a richly produced full color segment.

The Exception again posed some great questions, including one from a youngin…to give me practice. She asked:
Since you have been at home with the girls throughout this week, what is your favorite children's program - what is your least favorite?
Favorite – Those damn Wiggles. It was the Simpsons until Lucy and Ethel got old enough to repeat what they heard…oops. Least favorite – Barney. Always Barney!!

Is there a children's tune/song that drives you crazy as you have heard it just one too many times?
Toot, Toot, Chugga, Chugga Big Red Car. And anything from High School Musical

Did you prefer Ginger or Maryanne?
Maryanne. The pony tails, the humility, the overalls and checked shirt. She could actually give Daisy Duke a run for her down home money!!

And the question posed by my 7 year old this week: (drum roll please)
"How does the sperm get into the woman's body?"
It’s magic. Or I could Dr. Seuss/Grinch it up and say ‘it comes from here and ends in there.’ If and when I am asked that one by the twins, I will be more squirmy than the spermie…

Last but certainly not least is Patti. She asked: Michael, if money were no object and you had it to do over, would you go to medical school?
No. Too much work. If money were no object, I’d build an amusement park with a food theme. I’d call it Kitchenland…

She also asked 'If so, in what field would you specialize? (I'm thinking cardiology)'
If for some reason I passed out and woke up in medical school, I would specialize in the pinky toe, quite possibly the most useless appendage ever.

Thanks for all the great questions this week! I now have a headache and can't see straight. Maybe I'll go visit some more blogs...

****Update***** Crap, I knew this would happen eventually. I forgot to answer a question. It was my best blogging buddy Odat's questions. Ooops!!! In her infinite kindness, she said I can answer them next week. Which just increases the probability of me forgetting again. Bwahahahaha