Well That’s New

In my never-ending quest to provide the few folks who come by this blog both entertainment and education (and I wanted to avoid mentioning Dancing With The Stars, which of course I just did, dangit), I wanted to share with you something that I learned this weekend. It was certainly new to me and I figure there might be a good chance that this will be new to you too.

It happened while I was at the super huge/inside a warehouse/buy at least 35 pounds worth and save more store. That is where I discovered something called fruit. It is pronounced f-r-u-u-t. I don’t know why I had never seen it before. My wife informs me that there are entire sections in the grocery stores devoted to this stuff. I have no idea how I never saw it while walking to the meat and ice cream areas. Supposedly, there are specialty stores that sell nothing but fruit. Did you know that? It was certainly a revelation to me!

This fruit stuff is pretty tasty. Who knew there was more to life than meat, chocolate and cheese. It’s sweet and most of it has its own juice that is just as tasty. I know what you’re thinking, but here’s the kicker – it is actually good for you! No seriously, it is. I am just so appreciative of the super large warehouse store for having out tasty samples of fruit while I was there. Sure, the warehouse store is good for a free lunch of appetizers that can be microwaved, but it seems they also sell a large variety of fruit. Among the many different types I tried were pineapples, grapes and oranges, which it turns out I had seen before. Although then I just figured it was an incredibly ugly bulbous flower sitting on the branch of a tree. I finally now understand why people are trying to sell the same ugly flower in roadside stands. It also explains why I was cussed at and flipped off once when I pulled up to one of those stands asking if they were selling a map to John Travolta’s house.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not a complete idiot since it seems that some of the things I have known about for quite some time actually turned out to be this fruit stuff. I have heard of coconut before, it is my favorite scent and I believe that is a fruit. I have also heard of cherry and lime because that is the name of the syrup they put in Diet Coke so that you can swallow it without gagging and I have now learned that they too are fruits. I never knew why they called it a carmel apple since I always ate the carmel and candy toppings and threw the rest away. Heck, I just figured that white stuff underneath was packing material but it is the apple part of the carmel apple. It seems that fruit is fairly prevalent in our lives. I wonder where they make it.

I had been struggling for so long with why the Fruit of the Loom underwear and shirt company kept using men dressed in those crazy costumes (which I now know to be fruit) to advertise their products. In hindsight, I suspect the root cause for this was my unfamiliarity with both fruit and looms. I had sent Fruit of the Loom several nasty letters with better suggestions for spokespeople (such as trusted familiar personalities like Bob Newhart or former Surgeon General C. Everett Coop) and better names for their company (like The Cotton T-shirt and Undergarment Manufacturing Company), but none were used. I guess when I explain the cause of my confusion to them in my next letter; they might consider lifting their cease and desist order against me.

The discovery of fruit may well change my life. Given the opportunity to eat a bar of chocolate or slice of pineapple, I’ll probably now choose the pineapple. Although, the same chocolate bar melted on the pineapple might be pretty good too. My wife said that if this new fruit stuff impresses me then she has something called vegetables she wants me to try. I think one new foodstuff will do for now. I hate taking things too fast.