The Best Holiday Ever!

If you thought last week’s National Goof Off Day was special, get a load of this. Unfortunately for all of my readers, I found a website that lists every holiday under the sun (I can’t wait to celebrate tomorrow’s holiday, but more about that tomorrow). Are you sitting down? Do you need a break? Have you been longing to celebrate a holiday that you don’t believe exists? Well, have I got good news for you! Today, March 26th, is ‘National Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.’ I can’t find any restrictions or limitations for celebrating the day, so have at it.

I realize that bearing the responsibility for creating your very own holiday can be an awesome and overwhelming experience so I’ll give you some ideas for possible holidays to make up. The most obvious idea for your own holiday would be one that honors you. It would require that all who come into contact with you be required to bow in your presence or possibly not even make eye contact with you unless invited to do so. Cakes with your likeness would be made, there would be a parade in your honor and the Biography Channel would air your life story. Of course if everyone chose to have themselves honored today, your biography would probably air at 2AM, but you could always TiVo it and thereby save it for posterity.

If humility suits you better than exaltation does, then how about a holiday honoring something you enjoy but feel has long been neglected? Is ‘Barney Miller’ your favorite cop show? Why not make today ‘National Barney Miller Should No Longer Be Unappreciated Day.’ You could host a Fish look-alike contest or a vocal contest to see who can best recreate the ‘Barney Miller’ theme song. Since this will obviously never merit its own holiday, I think today is the now or never moment for ‘National Barney Miller Should No Longer Be Unappreciated Day.’ Good luck finding a card for it though.

For the more serious minded (which if that is the case, I doubt you read this blog anyway) you could devote today to more worthy causes. Although what fun would that be. A possible positive use for ‘National Make Up Your Own Holiday Day’ is to use it to raise awareness of something important like a debilitating disease. Such maladies could include a day about rectal inflammation, chronic acne, stut-stut-stuttering, pathological lying (which reminds me to tell you later about how my father invented the microwave after accidentally being struck by lightening while holding a chunk of meatloaf wrapped in a sheet of aluminum foil) or morbid stupidity. I think you will agree that all of these illnesses are important and certainly lacking more focused public attention.

I myself suffer from morbid stupidity, although mine is the lesser-known form that affects my speaking. It causes me to get in trouble with my wife and say things that alienate me from my coworkers. My vocal morbid stupidity also causes me to tell things to my daughters that while I might find funny, when repeated usually get me into hot water with my parents, my wife, my in-laws and certain branches of law enforcement. There has yet to be adequate medical research for my illness, but it is believed to be linked to a faulty connection between the brain and the mouth. It is also known in certain medical circles as the ‘Speak First, Realize Later’ disease.

You may be wondering what holiday I would choose to make today. That is a very good question and it’s very hard for me to narrow it down to just one topic. So many possibilities…‘National BBQ Tasting Day,’ ‘National Speak Like Fonzie Day,’ ‘National Really Bad Crooners Like Englebert Humperdink, Wayne Newton and David Hassellhoff Day,’ ‘National Live Like Jimmy Buffett Day,’ and ‘National Why Can’t Husbands Be Right For Just One 24 Hour Period Day.’ Despite all those legitimate topics that could easily justify their own spot on our calendars, I have chosen to make today ‘National Free Of Walls, Fences And Other Cheap Dividers Day.’ It is the one holiday where I can tie in my pursuit of the abolishment of cubicle walls, my never-ending initiative to rename Monday with Funday and my general interest in making even the worst or most boring desk job more fun.

My only concern now is how I’m going to get my cubicle’s walls reassembled before the start of business tomorrow. I knew I should have paid more attention while I was taking them down. I also realized that with my walls down I don’t really appreciate everyone staring at me. Maybe I should have stuck with ‘National Leave Me The Heck Alone Day’ or ‘National If I Wanted To Talk To You I Would Have Initiated A Conversation Day.’ Oh well, there’s always next March 26th…