The Swiss-Liech War

With the end of the cold war, a large-scale European war seems to be more remote than ever, until late last week, according to the AP. The Swiss Army is noted for a lot of things; well OK at least two things that I’m aware of: the Swiss Army Knife and Swiss Army Watch. Apparently both of those items do not come with a compass or GPS device because part of the Swiss Army got lost during maneuvers and ended up in Liechtenstein last week. When they realized they were lost, they crossed back into Switzerland with no apparent harm done. Perhaps it was a reconnaissance mission?

This is the type of thing that might have alarmed the Super Powers during the Cold War but now just seems like a really good late night comedy punch line or sketch. How many Swiss Army officials does it take to read a map anyway? Or perhaps the map they were using had more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese? Gee, I Swiss they wouldn’t invade their neighbors anymore…you get the point.

Although they were neutral as their neighbor Germany waged war in WWII (see, I did a little research for once), fear is mounting that Liechtenstein may retaliate this time and invade Switzerland’s famous Matterhorn as well as try to confiscate the millions of dollars located in Swiss bank accounts throughout the alpine country. Mountain climbers and evil super-villains with large stashes of money in Swiss banks are on edge.

“Our military objective is quite clear after this intrusive and hostile action taken by zee Swiss,” said Liechtenstein’s military commander, Wilhem Von Luchenbacherhelmenstein. “Virst Ve Vill attack zer banks and zen ve vill use dat money to turn zer beloved Matterhorn Mountain into ze rollercoaster like ze Disneylandia.”

Reports have confirmed that the Swiss have offered chocolate and watches to appease Liechtenstein, but have yet to receive a response. I won’t say that the world is holding their collective breath on the outcome of this incursion into Liechtenstein, because, well, we’re not, especially with the controversy surrounding Britney Spears’ rehab stint and the fact that David Hassellhoff is appearing in The Producers in Vegas. However, this action appears to have sparked the aggressive tendencies of several smaller nations hoping to invade and plunder their neighbors.

Throughout Friday, countries were announcing their plans to declare war on their rivals and geographic neighbors. Cuba wants to attack Florida, France wants to attack Italy, Nevada wants to attack Southern California tribal casinos, Texas wants to conquer all of New England, Kobe wants to invade Shaq, Hillary plans on overthrowing Bill, UCLA hopes to declare war on USC and Ann Coulter wants to attack John Edwards (oh wait, never mind, that already happened). Reports earlier in the day that the United States House of Representatives had been overrun by the United States Senate have apparently proven false. I am hearing rumors though that NBC has invaded CNN, but I think they call that a takeover.

Who knows what the repercussions will be after this invasion that was innocently sparked by an accident. It reminds me of the time in high school when my friend and I ‘accidentally’ ended up right behind the court during a Lakers game. Only then, we were able to use the excuse that we got lost trying to find the men’s restroom. Maybe that’s what the Swiss should have said…