Wii Could Only Be So Lucky

If the military can train dolphins to stop torpedoes or gophers to find land mines (ok, I made that last one up, but seriously, think of the practicality of it), then I have no problem believing the story I read this morning. It said that the military has adapted the Wii remote controller to operate a robotic bomb diffuser. Those guys are so clever, what will they do next, adapt the Ipod to control nuclear missiles? I think they may already be working on that one though since every time I use my Ipod at the house, my microwave turns on and my garage door opens. At first I thought it was a defect, but when it kept consistently happening, I just figured it was designed that way. Plus, it seems to do it in rhythm with whatever I am listening to. Those Apple engineers are something, aren’t they?

If you have used the Wii remote, you have already realized what a great device it is. In fact, I have already revised my living will/trust thingy to reflect the fact that if I ever lose an arm that I want a Wii remote attached in its place. My insurance company has signed off on it since the procedure was cheaper than a new arm (perhaps because I requested one similar to one of the animatronic Pirates at Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean) and I even talked Best Buy into giving me free batteries for the first 36 months. I tell ya, when those guys start sniffing a potential sale, they just start throwing stuff in to close the deal. Gee, I hope I didn’t ruin my future bargaining chances with them if they are reading because I still need to get Guitar Hero, though I imagine all my favorite guitar riffs, like any of Barry Manilow’s or that kick-butt fuzz guitar solo in the Carpenters’ ‘Goodbye to Love’ aren’t included. I swear, no one appreciates the classics anymore…

Seriously, I love the Wii Remote. Not in that ‘will you date me and let me take you to the movies and have picnics and run real slow towards each other in a fielded meadow and I’ll propose to you by putting your ring in the gelato, but it melts and the ring gets lost on the floor’ type of love, but that I find it simple to use. Maybe love is too strong a word. I am in like with my Wii remote. It’s a Wii-mance with my Wii-mote, if you will.

It might all sound like roses and microchips, but the Wii-mance does have the occasional hiccup or burp – hiccurp, really. I could win more often. There are just those occasional times when my Wii-mote and I could communicate a little better, like when I get that dreaded split in bowling and I try to hit the one side of the pin so that it shoots across the lane and knocks the other pin down giving me a spare, but I miss it completely. Or when I try to hit the tennis ball with my front line player and it doesn’t recognize my swing fast enough and then I am forced to hit an awkward shot with my back line guy. And I won’t even mention our TOTAL lack of communication when golfing. It’s like ‘what did I ever see in you. I don’t even know you anymore.’

I have long assumed (as may you if you’ve been visiting here for any length) that I had absolutely no employable qualities whatsoever. Perhaps I’ve been wrong all this time. It turns out that I could be completely qualified for military service, but then judging by how well Lucy and Ethel do at the Wii, so could they and that just makes me second guess my employable qualities beginning a vicious cycle of self-doubt that always results in me quoting John Wayne or Fonzie way too much in order to re-assert my presence as a dominant male who can be looked to as a leader and a provider. True Grit? Yeah, I got it, pilgrim. Aaayyyy. See, it’s started already. Now I feel I may have shared too much.

I’m very tempted at this point to award $45 Schrute Bucks to anyone who can remember what the original point of this post was. In fact, if you could just tell me what it was then I’d be able to wrap this all up. All I know is that we need to follow the military’s lead and find a way to incorporate the Wii-mote into more of our daily tasks. Hopefully this Wii-mote controlled robot can be adapted to do things like load the dishwasher, make my coffee and sit in for me during staff meetings so that I don’t get caught saying something that violates that list of words and phrases that I know HR keeps up in their office in poster form.

Nintendo and the United States Military, I know you cannot see me, but I am raising my Wii-mote in a salute-like gesture to your brilliance. Hopefully my Wii-mote is on the same page as me today. But if it isn’t, rest assured that I am not flipping you off.