It Makes Me Want To Sing!

I know you all have been waiting for this one! Yep, even though you were clueless about it, I know you’ve still been waiting. In fact, I’m not really sure how you even were able to contain yourselves. I mean I barely could and I knew about it. It’s probably been tougher on me since I’ve had to wait while anticipating it. Isn’t waiting hard? It’s probably not as hard (that’s what she said) as weight lifting (sadly, that was the only other play on the word ‘wait’ that I could come up with), but still, it’s pretty hard. How hard is it? It’s like ‘smelling bacon coming from your neighbor’s house and having to fight the urge to barge in and join them for breakfast even though you didn’t return their weed whacker and you still have their cat (don’t ask why)’ hard. That, my friends, is hard.

You might be wondering what I’m talking about right now. Folks, it’s National Karaoke Week. That’s right, it’s time to honor that age old tradition where we get up in front of mostly complete strangers and belt out tunes that really weren’t that good when they were originally released 20 years ago. In anticipation of writing about National Karaoke Week, I decided to break with tradition and do a little research on the topic I was going to be writing about. It hurt my head, but I am now able to ask you the follow question. Did you know that ‘karaoke’ is Japanese for ‘those who sing look like ass of overweight water buffalo?’ Have you ever seen an overweight buffalo? Friends, that’s one big backside. Though contrary to popular belief, water buffalo don’t actually become ‘overweight’ in the terms we are used to. They actually bloat because they are retaining water, because they are ‘WATER’ buffalo. I swear next time you are drunk, going under from anesthesia or suffering from blunt force head trauma, you will find that funny. In fact, when any of those 3 things happen, you may want to reread most of my posts…or maybe add me to your will, or pretty much anything that will benefit me by virtue of you not being able to make sound decisions. And do I really have to tell you how thankful you’ll be when you get either the karaoke or water buffalo question next time you are playing trivial pursuit? I bet that pompous ass Alex Trebec didn’t even know about those two factoids.

You may be wondering what the best way for you to celebrate karaoke is. You may be wondering a lot of things after reading that last paragraph. Namely, if you were speed-reading this post because I write way too much for you to have to try to read every day, you could easily have missed the fact that this post is about karaoke. Maybe you thought it was about water buffalo or dungarees or maybe even a salutation to the hits of Engelbert Humperdink.

Don’t worry; I’ve known for a long time that I write too much. After all, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection when my ‘bullet’ posts continually get more comments than my ‘paragraph’ posts. Dang it, now it sounds like I am venting when this post is actually about singing. OK, I’ve ordered my microphone shaped cake, warmed my vocal chords and put on my ‘hustle’ shoes so that I can help you celebrate the one thing guaranteed to help ensure that you are ridiculed publicly by your friends and strangers. Friends, it’s time for karaoke!!!

It would be way too easy to jump on stage and sing ‘I Will Survive’ or ‘Friends in Low Places’ or Jimmy Buffet’s ‘Let’s Get Drunk’ and announce that you are doing so in honor of Karaoke Week, but I say dig deeper, try harder, forge some new musical ground. Try a tune from the back of the song catalog that doesn’t get picked so often. Try a song you’ve never sung before, throw in a few new dance steps and belt one out! I know this will seem intimidating, so I am going to provide you with a few gems that are sure to get the audience on your side in honor of this joyous week…

Gilbert O’Sullivan’s ‘Alone Again Naturally’ – sure it’s slow, sure it’s depressing, sure it’s about suicide. That’s what is going to make this one a sure hit. No one will expect it and I bet you’ll have everyone singing the chorus with you before you are done!

Helen Reddy’s ‘Delta Dawn’ – Yes her version of ‘I Am Woman’ is a popular Lady-Anthem, but we don’t want to alienate the guys. After all, this is a holiday. Have you ever heard a room full of people sing the chorus of Delta Dawn? Well, I haven’t either, but 2 college girls in the car next to me heard me singing it at a red light once and they couldn’t stop smiling.

The Pips’ ‘Midnight Train To Georgia’ – I’ve got two words for you: ‘Woo Woo.’ Just do the ‘ole ‘pulling the train whistle’ move during the ‘woo woos’ and you’ll have them eating out of your hand!

Don MacLean’s ‘American Pie’ – You may have never taken your Chevy to the levy, but I guarantee you won’t be the cause for the day the music died if you sing this one. It’s long (that’s what she said), the chorus repeats too many times and everyone has heard it. Plus, it mentions pie and people like pie.

The Carpenters’ ‘Close To You’ – Sure everyone is going to be hesitant to join in at first because they don’t want their social status questioned, but just sing it 3-4 times in a row without getting off stage even when people are hurling objects at you and eventually everyone will be swaying back and forth, arm in arm to this feel good love gem. I think.

Barry Manilow’s ‘Copacabana’ – This one just straight grooves baby! It tells a great story and you can do the little finger gun dance move to the ‘who shot who’ line. I don’t mind admitting that my friends and I made this one famous in college. But then, we were reduced to singing karaoke in a Japanese restaurant on Friday nights, so really, how popular could we have been? Don’t let this deter you though. Look where I am today!

The Tramps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ – Seriously, do I really have to explain this one? A room full of people singing ‘burn baby burn’ for 14 minutes at the top of their lungs? I can see the lighters being held up proudly now…and maybe a visit from the fire marshall.

George Jones’ and Tammy Wynette’s ‘We’re Not The Jet Set’ – We’re not the jet set, we’re the old Chevro-let set. If you can’t sing this one arm in arm with your neighbor then you must be a supporter of communism, or, you own a Ford, which might as well be the same thing. I’m kidding! Well…

Frank Sinatra’s version of Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘Mrs. Robinson’ – Does this song swing! That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is yes. Just make sure you have your totty glass handy and throw in lots of ‘goo-goo-go-joobs’ and ring-a-ding-dings,’ baby. That Mrs. Robinson is one cuckoo bird. And yes, for the record, that is how I talk when doing Sinatra karaoke.

And lastly, The Kingston Trio’s ‘Tom Dooley’ – Because there just aren’t enough good songs about hanging dead from a tree anymore.

So there you have it, just a few songs to help you get into the karaoke spirit. I know I am going to fire up my karaoke machine every night this week and sing like it’s going out of style. The only question is which song to do first, ‘You Light Up My Life’ or ‘I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing?’ I’m kidding. It’ll be Kenny Rogers’ ‘Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.’ Or maybe, if I’m feeling saucy enough, ‘Mr. Bojangles,’ the Sammy Davis Jr. version.

La, la, la, la, me, me, me, me, me…

***And now for the previews: stay tuned Wednesday for a special look at 70s TV and how we base our lives on it by me and Sonia Sunshine***