Of Horse Hooves And Lip Balm

The title has nothing to do with the post; I just really, really like the way it sounds. Although don’t horse hooves get turned into lip balm? Wait, I think it’s glue and those are two things you never want to confuse. I’m pretty sure Lip Balm comes from seaweed. Oddly enough though, you can smear seaweed across your lips and find it to be anything but comforting.

I was thinking on the way into work this morning that I should hit my brakes before I slam into the guy in front of me. Naw, I’m kidding. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Well, I did think that, but I am referring to another thought I had while driving into work. I was thinking about other types of jobs that are out there that might be fun to try. Then I thought since my resume reads like the freeway at rush hour (start and stop, start and stop) that my best bet of getting to try out new jobs would be to pitch a TV show about it. Yes, it’s like Dirty Jobs, but cleaner (say those last two words with a real positive tone and it works better). I gave it the working title of ‘Employee Try Out.’ To be honest, ‘Working Title For New TV Show Pitch, Vol. 34’ was just lacking that certain something. I still can’t put my finger on it.

The premise of the show is simple: me trying out different jobs each episode. I’m really serious about this. I can foresee like, 4 episodes. In each episode, I’ll have to interview for the job (knowing full well that I’ll be hired though, because just watching me interviewing and not getting hired would be too realistic and trust me – repetitive and boring) followed by me actually doing said job. Until work offers start pouring in, we could find the most interesting jobs in the classifieds and apply for those.

I may even get around to pitching this one. I am horrible at math, so a banking job comes immediately to mind. Oh, just imagine the fun mess that could be. Don’t get me wrong. My point isn’t to ruin each company I work for, but it would be much more entertaining that way than just watching me sit there and do the job the right way. And if you are wondering, the answer is yes, I would do the obligatory beverage plant and chocolate factory so that I can do the also obligatory LaVerne and Shirley and I Love Lucy gags.

I could try my hand at short order cook, administrative assistant and maybe even mail carrier (I swear I’ll only make 3 Cliff Claven references) and bus driver. As much as I would like to try air traffic controlling, I’m not as optimistic they’d let me. But how much fun would it be to get to say ‘Niner?’ Plus, I watched Airplane and Airplane 2 recently and am full of Rogers, Overs and Outs.

The real key to this whole working thing working (I fretted over that phrase for 5 minutes) is getting jobs that require speed, patience, intelligence, dexterity and precision. Why? Because I gleefully lack all of those traits and combining that fact with a job that requires those traits is a textbook Food Network recipe for disaster. You may think that this whole thing sounds a lot like Paris Hilton’s ‘The Simple Life’ and all I can say to that is ‘why, yes it does, dammit’ but America hates her and I have at least a three month window until I get that reaction. Besides, we have 37 game shows that deal with secrets and money, so what’s one more job show?

You may also say that part of the premise of my show copies shares elements of ‘The Apprentice.’ All I can say to that is ‘leave me the heck alone and come up with your own idea to criticize!’ Sorry, I don’t take criticism well. What I meant to emphasize is that my show will be different. And because it will be different, it will make it unique. Because of its uniqueness, it will offer variety. Its variety is the thing that is going to set it apart from the other job shows. And if that wasn’t enough, I am horrible at listening, especially to directions on how to do things. See, now you want to watch, don’t you? Please??