What To Celebrate First?

Hello there friends, it’s holiday time again (and again, sorry Kat). There are actually a few little celebrations on the calendar for Tuesday. I’ll delve into them one at a time, but first, a disclaimer. I tend to disclaim a lot of things. Perhaps this is because I know I’ll do something wrong or offend someone, yada, yada, yada, etc., etc. The current disclaimer of the day is: I’m writing this while under a bout of atrial fibrillation (as opposed to Monday’s which was: before you go into the office’s breakroom, I made the coffee today, but didn’t know about that little hole that you aren’t supposed to fill the water beyond, but I will clean it up, eventually. In the meantime just be careful where you step because I used all the ‘Wet Floor’ signs to help me build that fort in my cubicle). So, just like my heart rhythm, my thoughts may tend to be a little pitter-pat, pit, pit-patter, patter, pitter patteryish today.

Now, on to the frivolity and general madcap mayhem! Tuesday we celebrate National Teacher Day, No Diet Day and No Homework Day. It’s been my experience that holidays that start with the word ‘no’ are always a ‘yes’ in my book. Seriously, it took me half a day to come up with that line! As usual, I have no earthly idea how to celebrate any of these days, though honestly, I’m guessing that No Diet Day and No Homework day are pretty self-explanatory. National Teacher Day may take a little more effort, but since we aren’t going to be doing homework or focusing on our diets on Tuesday, I’m thinking we all have time to put forward the effort.

Let’s get the teacher one out of the way. If any teacher is reading this, I apologize and mean no offense. Though (and I realize this will be quite hard for you to believe) I wasn’t that good of a student, so teachers and I kind of had that Democrat/Republican animosity thing going on. The only exception of course being that we weren’t running for office. It’s funny really, after I’d do something wrong, like being a donkey’s ass in class (see my mad rhyming skillz there?), my teachers would have the memories of an elephant about it. Get it? Perhaps if I’d only acted independently…

Being the child of two lifelong educators, I learned a lot. Again, that’s a bad joke. All that really meant was that most of my teachers and school administrators knew one or both of my parents. I’m gonna clue you in here: when your K-12 goal is to be voted class clown and you’ve spent your entire education openly campaigning for it, having your parents be fairly well known in your school district is not a good thing!

However, I do realize how important educators are and that they are grossly underpaid (well, ok, I have to admit that’s what my mom says whenever we get together and I mention something about having to put the game or the race on, but I am going to agree with her this time). Teachers amaze me. They get up in front of a bunch of children or very young adults everyday and attempt to teach them and even mold them. I simply couldn’t do it. Put me in front of a bunch of students, especially young and impressionable ones, and I’d do all the wrong types of teaching. At the end of class they’d know how to do the Macarena or Hustle and would all be speaking like little John Waynes. Or, each day would be themed, such as Match Game Mondays where everyone would have to insert the word ‘blank’ into their sentences. Fridays at noon we’d all go play outside for the rest of the day and it would be really hard not to parade them down the hall as we carol (singing hits from the 70s) for other classrooms. Long overly illustrative story made short: I would not make a good teacher.

So, polish up an apple, get a fruit basket and show your child’s teacher just how important what they are doing really is. Your sons or daughters may be accused of brown nosing or being the teachers pet or even of being the classroom bee-otch, but doesn’t your child’s teacher deserve just a little something on National Teacher Day? Unless of course they are a mean teacher, then just ignore everything I just said, OK?

Speaking of mean teachers (and totally kick-booty segues), let’s now discuss No Homework Day. Does it strike anyone else as odd that No Homework Day would be on the same day as National Teacher Day? Suppose (which is much more elite than assuming) that your child’s teacher didn’t support or celebrate No Homework Day. Let’s also suppose that your child did support No Homework Day. Do you see where I’m going with this? Have I built up the penultimate struggle good and bad, right and wrong, frivolity and discipline, the dark side and the force, white chocolate and milk chocolate, those who like Barry Manilow and that many more who don’t?

The scenario I just mentioned would sure make for a lousy day for teachers On National Teacher Day as none of the students do their assigned homework. But then maybe it serves the teacher right for having the audacity to assign homework on No Homework Day. I think the master scheduler for all things holidayish really blew this one (that’s what she said). He/she must’ve only looked at the ‘Fun To Celebrate’ calendar and forgot to cross check it against the ‘Days you really don’t want to celebrate or recognize’ calendar. That last one is the one that has Tax Day and my birthday on it. Despite the conflicting holidays, one thing is for certain: you can darn sure bet Lucy and Ethel won’t be doing their homework Tuesday night, or even Monday night because that’s No Homework Day Eve (wait, since I just mentioned 2 children and 2 days, does that mean 4 things are for certain).

Now if you are thinking I saved the best day for last, you’d be absolutely right. It’s also No Diet Day!! Isn’t that just a swell holiday? If you are thinking it’s odd that I just used the word ‘swell,’ you are correct sir, or madam! I am going all out to bring ‘swell’ back the forefront of our lexicon. Here’s an example: ‘Don’t you think it’s just swell that I have to go x-ray my chicken right now?’ It flows so smoothly off the tongue, don’t you think? More about that later though because you are probably wondering what the best way to spend No Diet Day is. Well, oh if you’ll excuse me, the 4-cheese quesadilla with Chipotle Tabasco sauce and sour cream that I’m making in the microwave is ready…