Q & A Monday

Who knew that NASCAR would have a 2 day rain delay at the California Speedway this weekend? Well, I’m sure you didn’t and more to the point: I’m sure you don’t care. But that is the reason why I am posting Q & A Monday so close to Tuesday. I don’t know why I like to preface things so much, but before I get to this week’s questions and answers, let me just say this…
Get it? Uh, never mind. Again.

OK, just in case you don’t remember the rules of Q & A Monday, please don’t quote my answers for research purposes or to impress your friends. Well, I guess you could, but it wouldn’t be a very smart thing to do. Also, all answers are thoroughly researched and none are fabricated, with the exceptions of the answers that may contain consonants, or vowels and most certainly any combination of both. I think that about covers it. Did I mention the thing about truthfulness? Ok, good.

First up this week is Patti who asks:
1. Did you have a lunar eclipse in California like we did in Connecticut on Wednesday night?
Or was in just on this side of the continental 48? Good first question, Patti. If a lunar eclipse is the one where the moon disappears behind the clouds right before it rains for 2 straight days, then yes, we did have a lunar eclipse. There is also one tonight, but that is because the moon has moved behind my neighbor’s tree.

Patti also asked:
2. When your twins were babies did you use markers to write their initials on the soles of their feet to tell them apart?
No, but the hospital tags that I left on their wrists for the first year and a half of their lives did leave some discoloration that very closely resembled marker.

Patti had one more question this week and it was:
3. Will you ever do another Podcast? I was so tempted to answer this question with a podcast, but didn’t get around to it. I plan on podcasting again very soon. In fact, as soon as I get my voice back it will be the first thing I do. Ok, I know you won’t believe that I have been without voice for 4 months, so I will just claim laziness. No, I was kidnapped. Wait, amnesia. That’s always a good one, I think. I’m not sure, I really can’t remember.

VE stopped by to ask a question that all kids would like to know. He asked: What does the tooth fairy do with all the teeth?
The obvious answer here would be that the tooth fairy or TF donates them all to denture manufacturing facilities, but that would be too easy. TF actually grinds them all down and manufactures a highly potent fertilizer with them. Here’s the kicker though; she pays us like 25 cents for a tooth and gets $28.50 per bag of fertilizer. That’s one heck of a profit margin. I’d like to take a bite out of that income.

Selma asked 2 questions this week. They are:
1. Why can't I put on mascara with my mouth closed?
To more thoroughly answer your question Selma, I put on mascara today and the same exact thing happen to me. I was also invited to sing Boy George’s ‘Do You Really Want To Hurt’ at a karaoke bar, but since you didn’t say that happens to you when you apply mascara, I won’t go into it. After consulting with a few physicians, I was able to determine that the metaocular nerve opens the mouth as a reflex whenever the eye is touched. Apparently, this is an evolutionary human instinct that comes from our ancestors who would yell whenever they were poked in the eye in order to scare their attackers. Funny enough, the same thing happens when we put in contacts, which of course our ancestors originally made from smooth and flat stones. Though modern research has shown that those contacts were more for decoration as they actually made our ancestors’ vision worse. Much worse, in fact.

2. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Boy oh boy that’s a good one. There originally was a much shorter translation, but it was lost in a fire in San Francisco many years ago, 1979, I think. We are left with the other translation: abbreviated, which is French Canadian for ‘what is the biggest and oddest collections of letters that can be used in one word that does not have the letter x or z in it.’

Carrie posed three questions this week, which begs the follow up question of how one poses for questions…but since it was my choice to use the word pose, I’ll just replace it with ‘asked’:

1. If beauty is truth, and truth beauty; why can't my nylons EVER exist without holes or runs? Well, the truth is nylons are made cheaply. And real beauty does not require them. Unless one has not shaved their legs, in which case I am no longer concerned and DO think nylons are necessary. They are also a must if you want to rob a bank and appear to have much tighter skin and a much bigger nose and lips than you really do.

2. Why are iPods gifts from God - and why does God always need it back for repairs?
They are gifts from God because God realizes how much music soothes the soul and how easy it is to soothe the soul when you can have multiple gigabytes of digital tunes categorized by artist, song, title or playlist. I’m serious, there’s like 30 verses in the bible about it. As far as why God always needs them back for repairs, well, let’s just say that on the 7th day God made the Ipod and on the 13th day he realized it was too good a creation and it must occasionally be taken away from us so that we never fail to appreciate it for the miracle it truly is. Which sucks, because I need to take mine in to get fixed!

3. Can I have my coffee break now?
Yes, although I am writing this at night and being pretty sure that you are in a later time zone, I have concerns that it might cause you not to be able to sleep.

Natalie, who truly appreciates Huey Lewis and the News for the geniuses they are, asked:
Either you give up fried foods forever or Fred Willard gets breaded and dunked into the biggest deep fryer in the world and is served to you with a nice spread of dipping sauces each of which you are required to try. What do you do?
I just can’t eat one of my comic heroes, as appetizing as you make it sound. So, I give up fried foods. However, this may cause me to go postal. Although if I am not employed in a post office, maybe it will just cause me to go cubicle…

Chef Mom’s question made me giggle. Ok, it’s still making me giggle and I’m sure you will see why. She asked: Okay...I have thought short and softly about this...not long and hard...(I know what you're saying in your mind Micahel; That's what she said!)What is your favorite cheese? The one you couldn't EVER live without.
There’s mozzarella, feta, gorgonzola, Swiss, American, Bleu and on and on, but at the end of the day, a nice sharp cheddar always makes me smile. And gain 10 pounds. But cheddar it is. Call me a cheese simpleton, but I love the taste of cheddar.

Citizen of the World asked: Would you rather have your eyes where your ears should be and ears where your eyes should be, or have all your limbs shorted by half, which would you choose?
First off, I had to read this 3 times just to figure out what you were saying. I even tried to diagram it, but stick figures can be very limiting. Since I never could fully imagine it and because I’m not that tall to begin with, I could handle the shorter limbs. Plus, then I could by kids clothes and save a fortune. I really am getting sick of seeing 5 years olds dressed hipper than I am.

She also asked: Why do my family members quiz me for psychological advice and then ignore everything I say? My guess is that it’s because you are telling them things they don’t want to hear and didn’t expect to hear when they asked you to approach it from a psychological perspective. By the way, I need to ask you why I keep dreaming that I wake up on December 26th and am horrified to learn that I missed Christmas. If you are going to tell me that it’s because I have some unhealthy love for the holiday or something though, I am going to ignore it. Crap, I just did it to you. See how hard it is not to do that!!!!

Best Bud’s Wife (translated for blogsville as my best friend’s spouse) asked: Why do babies fight sleep and adults fight to stay awake?
I think it must have something do with whether or not one goes stinky in their undergarments. You’d think it would be more complex, but I’m betting it’s not. Babies stay awake because they are uncomfortable after soiling themselves and we CAN’T stay awake because our bottoms are dry and we are comfortable. Come on everybody, think about it before you dismiss it.

And last up this week is Frigga, who asked 2 questions:
1. What would be the coolest way to die involving a vat of hot cooking oil?
Honestly, I was trying to be funny and just threw it out there since it was the first thing I could think of. I must now apologize for that because wasting a good vat of hot oil is a very tragic thing.
2. How do you fold fitted sheets?
I think I can actually help you with this one. Step one, roll them up in a ball and step two, shove them in the closet or drawer. Of course you won’t be able to store as many as if you had folded them, but I think you will find that you are much more relaxed for not having tried so hard.

And that’s Q&A Monday for this week. Thank you for your great questions everyone! I hope I was able to help you in some small or Nobel prize deserving way.