Funday? Maybe Someday

As some of this blog’s regular readers may or may not know, earlier this Summer I tried to begin a campaign of sorts to remove Monday from the calendar and replace it with an extended weekend day called Funday. Well Election Day is only one day away (and of course today is the dreaded Monday) and it has recently been brought to my attention that the Funday initiative and Calendarian Party are not on the ballot. That will obviously make it a little harder to establish this new day. As the leader of the Funday initiative, all I can say is oops!

Since it seems like every other politician or religious official is issuing an apology these days like it’s suddenly the ‘in’ thing to do, I guess I’d better pony up and apologize for not getting Funday on the ballot this election year. Queue the flag backdrop, wife and kids by my side with tears running down our faces. Well ok, they’re more like excuses than apologies but let’s not split hairs now. I knew I was off to a bad start with my Funday campaign when both Fred Willard and Bob Newhart would not return my calls about being the official spokesman for the Funday initiative. Really, can you think of someone who emanates the idea of fun more than Bob Newhart does? Then I thought I’d ask former President Bill Clinton since suddenly everyone wants him to campaign for them, but I figured he’s paying more attention to supporting key congressional races than my little Funday deal. Besides, the Secret Service intimidates the heck out of me! Of course so does the security guard at the mall…I could have asked Al Gore, but I feared he would claim inventing Funday.

I also remember then day I went down to the government office building to get the forms necessary to place an initiative on the ballot. I was on my way downtown when I looked in my rearview mirror at a stoplight. I became intrigued, well obsessed actually, at the lady in the car behind me. She could barely see over her steering wheel. Then I thought about what I would do if I had to slam on my brakes or make a quick turn. Would she see me as she tried valiantly to peer over her steering wheel? Shortly after making a mental note about needing to blog about the steerer-peerer-overer, I realized I had missed the turn for the government building and couldn’t turn at the last minute anyway because I didn’t want the lady behind me to rear-end me. By the time I had circled back around, the office was closed and I had missed the deadline to get Funday on the ballot. Again, my official comment is oops.

There have been other issues along the way that have made this campaign difficult, but we’ve always found the way to tread on. Shortly before the first fundraiser gala (if you consider a car wash behind McDonalds at 3pm on Wednesday as a gala), I was told that Funday’s cheerleading/motivational squad the Cubiclettes (or Cubettes as I called them) could not get off work to cheer at the event. Could the campaign’s bad luck get any more ironic? The event ended up costing me money as I had to buy six Big Macs for the people who showed up: two homeless people who were there because they had nothing better to do, one police officer who was there for crowd control and because I didn’t have a permit and the three high school students who showed up to mock me.

Then things took another turn for the worse when I was ‘asked to leave’ my local Wal-Mart (to put a good spin on it) after I was ‘caught’ crossing out all the Mondays and handwriting in Funday on all of their NASCAR, swimsuit, cat, dog and horse calendars. It’s a black mark on my political career, but I humbly ask your forgiveness as I was doing it for the ‘cause.’

Perhaps the setback that hit me the hardest personally was the recent news concerning the Calendarian/Funday party’s official mascot. Since the elephant and donkey had long been taken, I selected the plastic pink flamingo as the iconic image of fun. Then I found out that the company that created them went out of business November 1st after 49 years of operation. Now our Calendarian/Funday party has no mascot. I’m leaning towards the dolphin for next year’s election because as anyone who has ever visited Sea World can attest, they’re not only smart, they’re fun too. I just wish I hadn’t used all of the campaign’s funds on buying a plastic kiddie pool only to learn that Sea World doesn’t rent out dolphins. Don’t you think they should post information like that on their website? Apparently they don’t consider loaning them out as a political contribution either. I may return my annual pass in protest.

So, as you can see, it’s been a hard fought campaign just to get the chance to campaign. I’m sorry that we’ll have to endure Mondays for at least another year until the next election cycle comes around. Sadly, today is about 85 degrees, clear and beautiful and I have to stay inside my windowless office to face the realization (and my party faithful) that Funday will not happen. I could quote parts of Ronald Reagan’s famous ‘shining city upon a hill’ speech to motivate you, but if there really is one, I can’t see it from my cubicle. For some reason today, my cubicle seems smaller than usual as if to reinforce the fact that Funday was defeated. My readers, I am sorry, please accept my apology. At least I’ve got a cool new coffee cup to get me through my Mondays. She’s a fine cup, brightly colored with a sturdy handle. She’ll serve me well through this time of personal despair…

Repost Sunday: In California Everything Old Is New Again (Because It's Not That Old To Begin With)

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off. This was originally posted August 5, 2006.

I was just looking through some old pictures from a trip to the East Coast a few years ago. There is so much history on the right coast of our country. It’s a little difficult for us “Left Coasters” to understand in a land where people are always trying to turn back time (or pull back and stretch it in the case of our pretty faces) instead of embracing it.

Of course people in Europe, the Middle East and just about everywhere else on this globe will shake their heads when they read this. To them B.C. actually means ‘Before Christ’ instead of ‘Before Cable,’ the standard by which many of us judge the passage of time.

To illustrate my point, many of the photos I was looking at were of bridges, churches and battlefields and all had nifty plaques showing that they were all from the 1700s. It’s amazing and almost incomprehensible to me to look at something that was built when our country was founded, if not before. Out here in Southern California, we measure history by things like ‘this is where Jimmy Durante ordered a hot dog in 1952.’ Our historic buildings are old theaters, restaurants and spots where scenes from certain movies were filmed (and by old I mean just a hair older than my oldest pair of white socks).

We don’t have Civil War or Revolutionary War battlefields; we have fields where movies about the Civil and Revolutionary Wars were filmed. While we do have the famous California missions that dot our coastline, their ages pale in comparison to the settlements at Jamestown. We have no Plymouth Rock but we sure as heck have the Hollywood sign.

No matter what you consider history, as southern Californians, we have our own special type of it. I can’t say I’ve been to one of America’s first colonial taverns but I can probably show you the library where Charlie Chaplain once visited (silently of course) or where Clark Gable ate a pastrami sandwich on July 6, 1934. But when all is said and done, there is one thing I’m sure of. The East Coast can’t brag about having the actual Brady Bunch house. And believe me, that is history no one can ever replace.

Things I Learned This Week: 11/4/06

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and always pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. As you'll be able to tell from this week's list, I've got to work on my Halloween awareness. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 10/29/06-11/4/06.

! I learned that dressing up for Halloween at work does not mean it’s permissible to dress down for the day. Sadly, saying that I dressed for Halloween as ‘Casual Friday Work Guy’ doesn’t work as an excuse.

! I learned that you should do a little research when your daughters tell you they are going to be Disney princesses for Halloween. Snow White is pretty easy to recognize, but Sleeping Beauty is quite a bit harder. When in doubt, don’t guess or ask your daughter who she is supposed to be dressed as. Just quietly ask your wife. That’s what politicians do in receiving lines. By the way, did you know that Sleeping Beauty’s real name is Aurora? I do now and I’ll certainly never forget it.

! I learned that I need to be reminded to turn the front yard’s sprinklers off on Halloween night. Again, I want to apologize to any trick-or-treater that may have inadvertently gotten a little wet coming up our front walk. Hope the extra few pieces of candy made up for it.

! I learned to not let my daughters draw the face they want me to try and carve on their pumpkin. If I could successfully carve their interpretation of a face, I would qualify as a master artisan. Next year I’ll do both the drawing and carving. Or better yet, buy a fake one!

! I learned that it’s pointless to get up extra early in the morning to walk 3 miles for exercise when I am just going to get to work and gorge myself on all the potluck items everyone brings in on special days. Despite what you might think, the exercise and eating do not actually even out!

! I learned that it’s not a good idea to mention the phrase “I’m definitely blogging about this” during a staff meeting when something absurd happens. I then had to swear that I would not reveal the identity of the corporation that employs me. (For a reference, please see yesterday’s post)

And lastly…

! I learned that when I think that Lucy and Ethel’s crayon maker isn’t working, I should check to see if there is an on/off switch before going upstairs to wake my wife and ask her why it isn’t working. Husbands can gain a lot more credibility by avoiding this type of common mistake!

That’s One Clean Memo

I’ve heard of someone wanting to wash their hands of a particular office memo or corporate directive, but I’ve never heard of a company issuing a memo or interoffice directive about hand washing. When I received it in our staff meeting, I thought to myself, boy does my employer care about me. Then I realized it was probably more motivated by my employer wanting to cut down on having to pay sick time when an airborne illness levels their office staff. That made me bitter, resentful and disappointed so I decided it was time to blog about it. Actually, the moment I saw an office handout titled ‘STOP THE SPREAD OF GERMS,’ I knew I’d miraculously found material to write about just when my internal well of inspiration appeared to have run dry.

It’s really a very helpful document and I doubt I will ever become ill again if I follow the simple steps that are outlined within it. I knew about washing my hands before eating and after using the ‘restroom’ (which is usually anything but restful by the way). I didn’t realize however that I should also wash my hands when I am around someone who looks dirty. Who would have thought of that? Heck, that just saved three sick days right there!

Until yesterday’s memo, I thought I knew how to wash my hands. You put your hands together, lather, rinse, repeat, dry, buff, shine, smile, etc. Apparently, for all the years I’ve been alive, I have been neglecting the most important issue: washing time. Because my company cares so much about me, I can now tell you how long you should wash your hands. It’s a concrete method that’s sure to keep you clean without that annoying and ugly pruning of your fingers. Since it supposedly takes 20 seconds for soap and scrubbing to dislodge and remove stubborn germs (and yes, I am quoting verbatim), sing “Happy Birthday” all the way through twice while washing. As you are finishing the last few bars of the song, you can do so in quiet confidence that you are the proud owner of the cleanest hands in the universe! And no, I am not quoting that last sentence verbatim; it’s just how I feel now after washing my hands to the birthday song. Here’s a tip though: hum quietly rather than sing. I don’t know what it’s like in the woman’s restroom where you wash up, but in the men’s room, I’m getting some pretty funny looks singing “Happy Birthday to You” while washing my hands. I can tell you that I switched the song to “Free Bird” and I didn’t get as many looks. In fact, a couple of the guys joined in. For the fun of it, I tried singing Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and I was asked to leave.

Our company also suggests using a paper towel to turn off the faucet, but the joke’s on them. What they didn’t think of is that you are not using a paper towel to get a paper towel to turn off the faucet, so you have to wash your hands again and could end up in an endless paper towel/hand washing cycle for the rest of your life! Perhaps the wisest nugget of all though was that if I don’t have tissues to blow my nose on or to cover my mouth and nose with when I sneeze or cough, I should use my upper sleeve. It makes me look at rubbing elbows with upper management in a whole new light! I wonder if accounting will approve the increased amounts of my expense reports for all the dry cleaning of upper sleeves that will start to appear.

I don’t know who they are paying in my company to develop this stuff, but it has got to be the best job here (and possibly greatest squandering of payroll too). Hopefully this is just the first in a series of helpful safety bulletins. I would like to see them cover safe telephone use (like how to avoid accidentally dragging half the items off your desk with the phone cord or cleaning the mouthpiece at least once a year) and proper phone etiquette (especially how to use the mute, drop and transfer features). Also, they should initiate a mouse euthanasia program (oh sorry, I left out the word computer, as in computer mouse euthanasia). Computer keyboards and computer mice have to be the dirtiest and biggest germ spreading devices I have ever seen. Especially when you’ve got temps coming in and out working in different offices every day. I fear temps are germs’ equivalent of communist spies, but that’s a different health story.

I just feel warm all over knowing that my employer cares so much about me to pay people to develop these safety guides, pay for the printing of the documents and using company time to have a staff meeting to address these issues. Or maybe I feel warm all over because I only sang one verse of ‘Happy Birthday’ while washing my hands before going to lunch today and am now coming down with the Bird Flu. Please don’t tell my caring employer (who of course won’t be so caring if they ever read any of this). Cough, cough…

As American As American Can Be, Without Being American

You may have heard the name Takeru Kobayashi before. There is a good reason for that because he has won the last several Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contests held every July 4th. Well, he’s at it again as Takeru won this weekend’s Krystal hamburger eating contest for the third year in a row. His winning total: 97 hamburgers. That makes Popeye’s buddy Wimpy look well, wimpy by comparison.

Now I don’t want to be a flag-waving idiot, but its one thing for no American to win the hot dog eating contest on the 4th of July for the last few years, but now we’ve lost the hamburger title too? Ask anyone to name two quintessential American foods, and quoting Richard Dawson here, survey says: hot dogs and hamburgers! When you stop to think about it, the setting should be perfect for us to dominate these food competitions. They involve eating a lot of food (which as a country we are undeniably good at) and involve eating a lot of two of our most favorite foods. Have I made my point yet? Oh well, there’s always next year. In fact, we are not without hope since America’s Joey Chestnut finished second just as he did at Coney Island on July 4th.

We need to get behind this guy and fund him through donations like we do with our Olympic hopefuls. If we can’t get him to win, we need to find someone else who will. I’d be more than willing to bite the bullet and enter both competitions, but I get indigestion easily…and I prefer to fit into the clothes I already own. Besides, after 50+ hot dogs and almost 100 hamburgers at one sitting, it might affect my affinity for them, which would be kind of sad. At BBQs, I’d then have to eat fruit or vegetables and at that point, for me personally, death begins to look like a pretty good option.

Our being a global sporting juggernaut is quickly diminishing. We no longer have worldwide dominance in the very sports we invented like baseball and basketball as we keep getting beat in international competition. We also probably won’t ever again experience the 1980 hockey miracle on ice and Formula 1 drivers are starting to join NASCAR. That’s all fine and dandy, but really people, losing food competitions. We need to band together as a nation and prove that we can eat as voraciously as everyone else already says we do.

Is there a performance-enhancing drug for competitive eating? Not that I want to cheat, but we’ve got to do something to bring these titles back home or we’ll become international sporting’s version of Goliath or the turtle who lost to the hare. Maybe all those recently banned dietary metabolism-boosting products with ephedrine can be used to help our competitors process their food more quickly during these competitions to give us an edge.

After all, if we can’t win when it comes to hot dogs and burgers, what’s next? Will we start losing soccer titles to South American countries or cricket matches to the British? Oh wait, never mind, we already have. Sorry, have a good day.

Want To Become A Legend? Paint A Dome!

On this day in 1512, Michelangelo’s artwork on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome was unveiled to the public. Other than “ouch, it hurts thy neck to look straight up at thine painting,” the thing most overheard that day was “woweth, how’deth he doeth thateth and is thee not wearing any pants in thy painting where thee toucheth God?”

There are many facts about the frescoes (isn’t that a Starbuck’s drink?) that adorn the Chapel’s ceiling which most people probably aren’t aware of. The real facts concerning the creation of the paintings have been kept from us for almost 500 years.

My research is a little sketchy, but I wanted to share the history I’ve uncovered with you all. What most folks don’t know is that Michelangelo (who preferred to go by Mikey, which is much easier to type than Michelangelo) wasn’t as much invited by the Vatican to paint the ceiling as he was told to paint the ceiling. It turns out that Mikey had been chasing this real hot chick around Rome named Mona. Mona (or Ms. Lisa if you didn’t know her very well) snubbed Mikey and chose to court this cat named Leonardo da Vinci. Leonardo got to paint her, which broke Mikey’s heart. To deal with his grief, Mikey took to tagging all public walls in and around Rome. Instead of facing inquisition, (nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, even though it’s in Rome) Mikey accepted several hundred hours of community service by putting his artistic prowess to good use. His community service was being forced to look upwards for several years while painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A few years earlier, all of the white puffy and powdery acoustic ceiling had been removed from the Chapel and it looked pretty bad, so the timing couldn’t have been better.

By painting the ceiling, not only did Mikey avoid jail time, he was also able to prove to his true unrequited love Mona that he too was a great artist. As Michelangelo was quoted as saying late in his life, “comeuppance is sweeter to thee than true love lost, especially when it is accomplished with thine own brush. Ha Ha He He Ho Ho!”

Anyone who has ever bought paint at Home Depot on the weekend with thoughts of repainting the family room quickly can attest to what a phenomenal achievement Mikey’s painting of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling really was. Heck, I can’t even paint around a light switch or door jam! Of course later in his life, Michelangelo was plagued by debilitating shoulder and neck pain and hundreds of people visiting the Sistine Chapel have been injured by walking into pews or other churchly objects while walking through the Chapel while looking straight up.

Sadly, on this anniversary of such an artistic masterpiece comes talk of a major change to the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling. A Chapel official was quoted as saying, “You know, change is a good thing and since our patrons have been viewing the same thing for almost 500 years, we figure it’s time for something different to adorn our beloved ceiling. The fame of the Sistine Chapel has made it one of the world’s most popular tourist destinations but we are still seeing a decline in the amount of financial offerings to our church. Therefore we are taking advantage of the most popular ceiling ever, which is prime advertising space by the way, and replacing Michelangelo’s work with a large stadium-type TV screen and LCD text ribbon, similar to the one in New York's Times Square,” he added.

The new screen will be called Sistine-Vision and church officials hope it will raise millions per year in ad revenue. Major international corporations like Coca-Cola, Nike and McDonalds are already considering purchasing ad space. Paint chips of Michelangelo’s work will be saved and auctioned off on E-Bay and by Sotheby’s auction house to fund Sistine-Vision’s construction. Plans are to have construction completed by 2009. Just think that 500 years from now we’ll be celebrating the anniversary of the unveiling of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling all over again. There’s that circle of life thing at work again!

Halloween Thoughts And Reflections…Kind Of

Today is Halloween and it makes me reflect on all of the Halloweens that have passed and the current ghoulish state of things. A lot has changed since the Halloweens I celebrated as a kid. Change is inevitable, but wouldn’t it be nice if something changed and it actually ended up being better than the way it used to be. OK, maybe patients who had gastric bypass surgery are the exception to this and I’m sure there are a lot of husbands of wives who’ve had breast augmentations that will argue with me, but that’s not really what I’m trying to get at.

Boy the dress up part of the holiday sure has changed. I was at a Halloween pumpkin carving night at Lucy and Ethel’s school Friday night and even though it was preschool, no one was wearing a costume that really stood out or could even be considered scary or on the edge. Again, it was preschool, but let’s ignore that part for the sake of my story. Sure, I saw a Darth Vader or two, but even those gave the impression of the watered down just about to betray the Emperor-tell Luke how much he loves him-take off my helmet so I can see you with my real eyes-type of Darth Vader. I may have seen a Batman, but I’ll just say that if I were the Joker I wouldn’t be too worried when I saw the Bat Light appear overhead.

When I was in elementary school, I showed up wearing my rubber Frankenstein mask and I got to leave it on all day. When my name was called during roll call, I said my muffled ‘here’ through my mask and no one asked any questions. We could go through the entire school day and never see our friends’ faces. That doesn’t happen today and if it did, there’s no telling who would be hiding behind that mask. In high school, I can remember my friends showing up dressed as pimps and they weren’t even asked to go home and change until after lunch. That’s like half a day. They wouldn’t be allowed on campus today!

The whole trick-or-treat racket has really changed too. Our neighborhood used to be the one where people drove to so that their kids could get the good candy and go door-to-door in complete safety. Nowadays they drive to other areas of town. My wife is hoping I won’t stand out in the driveway as I did last year waving my green glow-stick yelling ‘what’s wrong with our street? I’ve got Almond Joys this year! Come by and I’ll give you two of them!” Apparently, that type of action gets you labeled as “the crazy guy that lives in the house at the end of the street.’ Do we take the twins trick-or-treating in our neighborhood you ask? Of course not! Are your crazy? Unlike everyone else, we have a good excuse though. The in-laws live on the new side of town, so we have a legitimate reason to engage in ‘trick-or-treat traveling.’

Speaking of Almond Joys, have you noticed the class system of give outs on Halloween now? The folks that try to be good and hand out pencils, stickers and erasers are looked down upon and are usually the first ones retaliated against by kids who want nothing but chocolate goodness. The folks that give out M & Ms and Hershey bars are seen as middle of the road and middle class while those that give out Mounds, Almond Joys and the harder to get Charleston Chews and stuff like that are the most popular houses. In fact, word gets around pretty quickly when there’s a house on the block giving out the good stuff. It sure beats Charlie Brown getting a rock!

Even our office is watered down for Halloween this year. It’s a Disney theme, which of course helps ensure that everyone will be dressed nice and respectable. That conjures up lots of Snow Whites, Sleeping Beauties, Mickey Mouses and hopefully a Mary Poppins or two. Although…you know, Splash was technically a Disney movie, wasn’t it. I doubt I’ll get to see someone dressed as Darryl Hannah’s mermaid though. Don’t you? Oh well, Happy Halloween and have fun cleaning up all the smashed pumpkins in the middle of your yard or street tomorrow morning. I’ll be spending my evening (until at least 4AM) in the most sincere pumpkin patch I can find waiting for the Great Pumpkin to arrive. As Linus says, it won’t be long now…

Boy, Radio Listeners Are Gullible

On this day in 1938, the original episode of ‘Punked’ aired on CBS Radio’s ‘Mercury Theater on the Air.’ Well, it was something like that. Orson Welles’ aired his production of H.G. Wells’ ‘War of the Worlds.’ (Boy that’s great alliteration, isn’t it? Welle’s version of Wells’ War of the Worlds) Despite the introduction by Welles saying that it was a radio adaptation, most people tuned in late and actually thought the Martian invasion was real. The only difference between what Orson Welles did that day and current reality TV is that he adapted a story from a book and made it up so it sounded real while reality TV is real and looks so made up.

Oh, to have that type of gullibility amongst us today. Back in ’38, people all over the east coast panicked, took to the highways to flee the Martian landing area and there were even reports of suicides. None could ever be confirmed though. I guess the havoc it wreaked must have looked a lot like the movie ‘Mars Attacks.’ It would be so much harder to get that type of response to a radio or TV production like that today. With so many cable news outlets and the internet, the hoax would be uncovered pretty quickly. Besides, if it was a hoax attempted over the internet, thousands would flock immediately to Snopes.com for confirmation of the hoax and discover it wasn’t true. People are just no fun these days. We can no longer believe our politicians and we question everything. Now granted, that is probably a good policy to adapt towards most things these days, but wouldn’t a good old-fashioned radio hoax be a hoot. Of course, the creator of it would be sued to the fullest extent of the law if they caused traffic backups and mass hysteria, but that’s part of the fun!

There was an elementary teacher I had two years in a row who would play the Orson Welles radio show every Halloween. (I swear it wasn’t because I was held back. He changed the grades he was teaching - no really!) We thought it was the coolest thing. He would explain the hysteria it caused and then we’d listen to it with the classroom lights turned off while only sunlight shined through. Of course we were the ‘Star Wars’ generation and found the whole premise of the show hard to believe, but we still enjoyed it and humored our teacher. If he attempted to play that radio show today, someone would complain and he’d be put on administrative leave until further notice! Then it would get press attention and end up in the odd news section and I’d get to blog about it all over again. I guess that’s what they call the circle of life.

Maybe the most recent attempt at messing with American audiences that I can think of was the FOX broadcast a few years back of the alien autopsy. At least I think they meant that to be perceived as real. We should use blogsville to perpetrate our own worldwide hoax. It could be something like the internet only has room for a few thousand more blogs, genetic testing has proven that Fidel Castro and Osama Bin Laden are the same person, Monday has been replaced on the calendar by a new day called Funday or that this weekend’s recent time change was an accident and should actually take place in two more weeks, except in Mentone, California and Fort Fairfield, Maine where the clocks should move forward by eight hours. If done correctly and promoted the right way through the Wondernet, the fake story could spread as fast as news of the E-Coli spinach outbreak did. Although that story was very real, I think.

On second thought, maybe I won’t spread a fake story via the Wondernet. I just got off the phone with a relative in the mid-west and she said there are strange clouds appearing out of nowhere that are emitting electricity and toxic fumes and they’re heading west. If you need me, I’m relocating to the closest cave for a while. Hopefully it has a Wi-Fi connection!

Repost Sunday: Help, I'm Stuck To The Toilet Seat And Can't Get Up!

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off. This was originally posted August 4, 2006.

Now tell me the truth, if you saw a headline about a woman suffering injuries after being stuck to a toilet, you’d read it. And so would I. It seems a woman in Council Bluffs, Iowa is now nursing burns she got when she found herself glued to a public toilet. The paramedics that responded (gosh I hope she’s not too bashful) had to use fingernail polish to free her from the toilet seat.

Officials believe that rubber cement was placed on the toilet seat as a prank. They are investigating the crime as both an assault and a vandalism. I’ll assume it’s vandalism of the toilet since there is also the assault charge. Local police officials fear more of what they are calling “sit and stick” crimes so they have hastily formed a new task force operation to combat that potential new problem.

In a complete invasion of privacy, Council Bluff’s city janitors have begun installing cameras in all public bathroom stalls. One city official was quoted as saying, “sure it’s constitutionally wrong, but if we catch these hooligans it’s well worth it. All residents and city visitors deserve to feel completely safe while sitting in a public facility with their pants around their ankles.”

Operation Anti Sticky Seat’s officers will be given the task of reviewing all restroom video. “It’s better than traffic duty,” said the head of the operation. “It’s a real challenge to head up A.S.S. since it’s vital we stop this from happening again,” said the official who begged to remain anonymous.

The victim is expected to make a complete recovery. She told local reporters that it was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life. If it was one of the most embarrassing moments, this lady should write a book. After all, if having to be rescued while being glued to a public toilet seat doesn’t top the list, this lady is one steely woman.

Things I Learned This Week: 10/28/06

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and always pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. As you'll be able to tell from this week's list, it was a hard week at work. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 10/22/06-10/28/06.

! I learned that offering your recently finished plaster dental mold to a coworker so that they can use it as a bookend can be seen as a disgusting, vile and all too personal gesture. It wasn’t me, but I witnessed the whole thing.

! I learned that I should not make squirmy motions when my female coworker is sharing details of her painful monthly lady goings on. At least I was listening to her, right?

! I learned that while I think every little thing that my Lucy and Ethel do is cute and anecdote-worthy, my coworkers may not always agree. The certain male coworker in question just didn’t have to tell me in front of everybody. I have forgiven him though. I also learned that my coworkers are getting tired of me saying, “I’ve got to blog about this.” They’ve started saying it now, but I think they’re mocking me.

! I learned that if you change the little picture attached to your work’s email signature every time you send a new message, it tends to give the impression you aren’t really working that hard and have time to goof around. And as well all know, that impression just leads to more work.

! I learned that when I need to go buy a new digital camera and am somewhat indecisive about it, Best Buy is not the place to go. They have about 30 different camera models, half of which have the same features with only slightly different names. By the way, what the heck is a restocking fee?

! I learned that when I your entire department is on a conference call and you want to point out to your coworker across the hall the ineptitude of the person speaking, you’d better ensure that your phone is muted.

And lastly…

! I learned (just now as a matter of fact) that when you give your 4-year olds chocolate donuts for breakfast, it’s not a good idea to walk away and start blogging. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go wipe down a ton of chocolate fingerprints all over the dining room before Mommy wakes up…

The Mysterious Plump/Pump Link Finally Revealed

According to the AP, researchers have determined that not only is America’s increasing weight problem making it harder to be x-rayed; it’s also causing us to get poorer gas mileage because we are getting heavier and that’s causing our cars to burn more gas when we drive them. If you ask me, it’s all those Sumo wrestlers we see out there on the highways and byways driving full size trucks on their way to Sumo matches! Wait, you mean I’m the only one who sees them? Uh-oh. The story also says that at today’s current prices, the extra fuel used adds up to $2.2 billion more spent annually. Aside from the fuel we waste according to this theory, that’s money we Americans could use on things other than gas like fast food and sugary soda.

Whether this data will be used to motivate Americans to lose more weight remains to be seen, especially with fuel prices continuing to drop. Maybe it will spur us to buy lighter vehicles, which I guess is like weight loss for cars. We should begin selling autos by people’s weight class so that a balance between passenger weight and vehicle weight can be achieved across the board, leading to better fuel use. For example, the highest weight class of driver would be required to buy vehicles made of aluminum foil and the lightest weight class of driver would have to buy lead-framed cars. Those that would be restricted to the aluminum class of vehicle may be a bit intimidated by driving such light cars, but heck, we sent astronauts to the moon in a lunar spacecraft that’s wall weren’t much thicker and they all survived. Granted, they wouldn’t have survived if something the size of a pebble had collided with their spacecraft, but that didn’t happen. It just supports the theory that you should always be aware of your surroundings when operating a moving vehicle of any kind.

On the other end of the scale (so to speak) would be the lighter folks in lead-based vehicles. A major portion of the lightest class of drivers would be teenagers, who generally are skinnier, smaller framed and have better metabolisms. Unfortunately, they are also much more prone to getting into accidents. For them, driving lead vehicles (again, I mean lead as in the heaviest of metals, not let me lead you into battle) would also be a form of protection. Of course, the damage they might do to everything else they’ll run into will suffer, but we’ll achieve equality among the all important driver weight to vehicle weight ratio and spend less money on gas. We can spend some of those savings on repairing all the things completely decimated by the reckless younger drivers in their lead laden tanks. To sum it all up, heavier folks in lighter cars and lighter folks in heavier cars equal less fuel consumption, I think. To be honest, I’ve rewritten this thing three times today and now have the mental capacity of a wet, waterlogged kitchen sponge.

It’s interesting that the report blames the extra gas being used on overweight Americans and not the increasing number of bigger SUVs on the road that get poor fuel mileage. If we don’t force heavier Americans into lighter vehicles and lighter Americans into heavier vehicles to even out our fuel consumption, it’ll be good news for all the SUV owners out there. They can continue driving Hummers and F350s and deflect their overly high gas consumption onto heavier Americans who don’t eat healthy or exercise. Awesome! I’ve always wanted a ridiculously large mammoth vehicle that gets about 4 miles per gallon.

When you get down to the bottom of all of this, I guess we needn’t worry about our fuel being unleaded anymore; it’s the food that needs to be.

Don’t Fence Me In…At Least Use Walls

Well, the U.S. is taking a stance and apparently, we mean business. President Bush has signed the bill (I don’t remember what happens next, so I’ll have to consult my old Schoolhouse Rock DVDs) to construct a 700-mile long fence between the U.S. and Mexico Border. The only two problems that come to mind are 1. It’s a fence and 2. It only covers about 1/3 of the border. I’m sure that whatever department of the Cabinet that happens to be in charge of the fence has already thought those details through, so I won’t bother.

We now join an elite group of governments who have built structures to protect their borders. China had the Great Wall to keep out Mongol invaders or something like that and Germany had the Berlin Wall to divide East and West. Did you notice anything about those two structures? Yep, they’re both walls. When you’re serious about closing off or protecting your borders, you apparently build walls, not fences. Fences are to separate neighbors or dogs or toddlers who have just learned to crawl or walk, not to stop folks from illegally leaving or entering a country. Heck, even Charlie Brown and Linus had a wall to stand in front of when discussing their deep intellectual thoughts. I can’t think of any famous structures with the name fence in their title. Can you?

Thousands of people go to see the Great Wall of China every year and I saw recently that the Chinese government is taking steps to make sure that the wall doesn’t erode. I got to meet Ronald Reagan several years after his presidency and one of the first objects I noticed in his bookcase was a chunk of the Berlin Wall. I can’t say that about any fence. We don’t have cubicle fences; we have cubicle walls. Heck, even Humpty Dumpty’s wall is in the Smithsonian. Ok, I made that up.

Now the question remains as to what type of fence we’re going to use. Wouldn’t it would be a blast to be a fly on the wall (although in the White House or any other government building, it’s probably a ‘bug,’ if you catch my drift) when they meet and decide what type of fence to use. Queue the dream sequence music…

Aide: “Well Mr. President, we could use a picket fence.”
Cabinet: “No, picket fences are for manicured lawns and gardens with daisies and pansies.”
Aide: “How about barbed wire?”
Cabinet: “No, that could inflict injury and there may be litigation issues with injury.”
Aide: “What if we went with a natural fence or border that would like nice with the surrounding desert, like an adobe fence?”
Cabinet: “Adobe would be neat, but Adobe may be offensive to some.”
Aide: “We could use that plastic orange mesh fencing that highway workers, construction companies and amphitheaters with overcrowded rock concerts use.”
Cabinet: “Isn’t plastic mesh bad for dolphins?”
Aide: “We could use that new fancy aluminum faux wood fencing.”
Cabinet: “If it’s new then it’s too expensive, any other ideas?”
Aide: “Well the cheapest and easiest type of fencing to use would be chain link, but all you have to do is lean against it or use wire cutters and it’s rendered completely ineffective.”
Cabinet: “Did you say the cheapest and fastest? Ok, our new 700 mile border protection will be chain link, meeting adjourned!”

Concerning the fence and illegal immigrants, our government hopes that if they build it, they won’t come. I’m hoping I can get my contractor’s license for fence building and my over inflated construction bid to the government as soon as possible! If those aerospace folks can charge $800 for a hammer, just imagine what 700 miles of chain link fence will cost. Plus, when working in the desert, I think you must be able to tack on some type of hazard pay.

Is There A Nomination Form For Sainthood?

I read recently that the Pope named several new saints. Embarrassingly, I was not familiar with any of them, but it got me thinking of whom and what should be eligible for sainthood. Growing up Catholic, I was always reminded of St. Christopher every time we left for a family vacation when my mother said we needed to pray to him for a safe trip. I was also told about St. Anthony, the patron Saint of lost or stolen things. Although I might be abusing this saint’s time when I pray to him daily to help me find my favorite black ink pen that I constantly misplace around my office.

I don’t know how the Pope, Vatican, Electoral College or whoever it is nominates and votes on new saints, but I think there are several that the selection committee has overlooked. There are people who have completely altered the way we live and to the best of my knowledge, none of them are saints. If anyone from the Vatican is reading this, I’ve got a few folks who should be considered for sainthood.

Without a doubt, the first person is Juan Valdez – the Patron Saint of Caffeine, which a coworker of mine pointed out when she sent me an email stating that there is a special place in heaven for Juan Valdez. Just think about it, although if you’ve yet to pour your first cup of coffee for the day, you probably can’t think at all. Saint Juan of Valdez is responsible for our societies being able to start up every day.

Next would be the inventor of the toilet, Thomas Crapper – Patron Saint of Bodily Relievement (I can’t believe my spell check doesn’t think relievement is a real word!). If there were ever someone we need to thank our maker for, it would be Saint Thomas of Crapper. Just imagine what life would be like without his toilet, well not his toilet, I mean his invention, the toilet. Equally important is Willis Haviland Carrier. You probably don’t know who he was, but he invented the modern air conditioner and should become the Patron Saint of Home and Vehicle Cooling. Again, life would be a lot more uncomfortable, not to mention smelly, without him. Without Carrier’s contribution, we’d all smell and smell like garlic – ALL THE TIME! Speaking of garlic, (this is the worst segue ever, by the way) how many meals did you cook in the microwave this week? That’s why my next nomination for sainthood is Percy Spencer, the man who invented it. He should become the Patron Saint of Entrée Reheating.

Then there are Ray Kroc, Dave Thomas and Colonel Harlan Sanders. We all need to be grateful for their contributions to fast food. All three (I call them the Culinary Triumvirate) need to be named the Co-Patron Saints of Speedy and Convenient Nourishment. I’m using the word nourishment very loosely, but it sounds so much better than fast food. Lastly, Frank Sinatra should be named the Patron Saint of all Things Hip, Cool and Swinging, Too.

While you’d probably agree that all of these individuals are worthy of sainthood, there may be some (if not all) at the Vatican that don’t agree. Maybe we could compromise and create a hall or shrine to induct them into. It would be a category for mere mortals deemed to be just shy of deserving sainthood. We could have a huge annual induction ceremony where we honor them for their contributions to mankind. Why don’t we call them the Saintys? The little gold statues would depict a traditional saint complete with halo. Maybe someone will even broadcast the ceremony.

So there you have it. As society evolves and we reflect upon those who have sacrificed for the better good, it is time to consider broadening the definition of Saint. I don’t know that the Vatican has a website, but if they do, I hope there is a downloadable nomination form for Saints on it. Now what was the name of the guy that invented blogging?

**Author’s note: since I am Catholic, the answer is yes, I am wracked with guilt after writing this sacrilegious post about would-be Saints and will be attending the next confession closest to me**

Maybe They Should Just Name It ‘Find Me Elmo’

The official Christmas shopping season is not even upon us yet and there is already mounting concern (ok, it may not be mounting yet, but it sounds more dramatic that way) about the availability of the new Elmo TMX (Tickle Me Extreme). Not only does Elmo still laugh when tickled, he now rolls on the floor laughing and is much more animated in his reactions. In short, it sounds like Elmo comes awfully close to a seizure when tickled. I hope it comes with a warning to move all furniture away from Elmo before your turn him on!

Officially, TMX stands for Tickle Me Extreme, but I think the X means something different to the folks at Fisher-Price who make Elmo TMX. They can’t be found anywhere on store shelves and they have already been tabbed as the one toy every kid will want this Christmas. Well not every kid, I can’t imagine Elmo being too popular with the 8 and over crowd. My guess is that the X stands for 10, as in there were only 10 of these dolls made. That explains why we can’t find them anywhere. Who thought that finding a new Elmo doll would rival finding cheap gas this past summer? I’m guessing 7 of the 10 will end up on E-Bay, too.

As a preemptive measure, my wife and I are only allowing our twins (code named Lucy and Ethel) to watch DVD’s until Christmas has passed. That will allow us to shelter them from any Elmo commercials that may appear. I even floated the idea of keeping them out of preschool until after Christmas to avoid peer pressure, but the idea wasn’t too popular (with both my family and the girls’ school for some reason). The last thing I want is to be running around in a panic late on Christmas Eve with 300 bucks and a ’68 VW Bug that I’m willing to trade for an Elmo TMX doll. Especially since they’ll grow tired of it by the time the Christmas Turkey (or lobster, hamburgers or chicken fried steak) is served anyway.

I wouldn’t run out and sacrifice your life to find one though, because I hear there are a few more Elmos in the development pipeline. If all goes well, next summer should see the arrival of ‘Toot Toot Elmo,’ who comes equipped with a whoopee cushion on his underside. The kiddies will have a field day with that one, actually so will most adult males now that I think about it. Later next year will also bring us ‘Two Packs A Day Elmo’ that will lift a cigarette to its mouth and actually puff. Don’t worry; it will be the Clinton-ized version that does not inhale. There are rumors of ‘American Idol Elmo,’ which will sing the same sugar sweet song until its batteries run out or you’ve thrown it against the wall too many times. Lastly, by next Christmas there should be ‘Older Sibling Elmo’ who responds to every command by saying “I told you so!”

The Elmo that didn’t make it beyond the idea board was the one that may have been the most fun. Its name was “Fussy Cussy Elmo.” I’ll let you assume what he says and does when touched. Hint: it contains a few choice expletives.

Bestest Blog of the Day: Woo Hoo!!

I really want to thank Mimi Lenox from Mimi Writes for writing such a wonderful and nice review (I'll be thanking Mimi for a very long time) and Bobby at The Bestest Blog of All-Time for posting it ;-)

If you're new here, welcome and please feel free to stay a while. You can even peruse the Archives if you feel inclined to do so. If you're not new here, then you've probably already seen what's in the Archives and it would be a complete waste of your time. You can read the stories below though. They're pretty new, especially the story directly under this one. I wrote it today so it's pretty fresh content. At any rate, thanks for stopping by and come again!

Gimmie A Ring Sometime

The Italian media reported late last week that the Pope’s papal ring (called the Fisherman’s Ring) slipped off his finger twice while working the crowd at the end of a public visit. Fortunately (and probably motivated by fears of the fires of hell), it was immediately returned to him each time.

This news comes as there are still rumors swirling around that the papal ring fell off a few weeks ago and was not immediately returned. If my well placed (and presumably intoxicated) sources are to be believed, Pope Benedict lost his ring and was without it for 13 days before the ring was finally returned with a letter of apology during confession in a church just outside of Baker, California.

The apology letter said that the ring fell off on a papal visit and was subsequently sold on E-bay. The winner of the Pope’s ring, who has asked to remain anonymous, and will henceforth be known as Mr. A. Nonymous Ringstealer, described in his letter several supernatural events that occurred while he was in possession of it. The events prompted him to return it during a trip to confession. Mr. Ringstealer said that at night the ring would glow and not stop until daylight. He also said that inanimate objects like fruit and hairbrushes would levitate and move on their own away from the papal ring. Mr. Ringstealer wrote of a day he became adventurous and wore the ring to Las Vegas. Every time he used the hand that the ring was on to pull the slot machine or play video poker, he would win. Ringstealer’s winnings were donated to the church where he confessed and returned the papal ring.

He said the scariest incident was when the ring spoke to him one night in a voice he could only describe as a cross between Darth Vader and Jerry Lewis. The voice woke him up and began threatening him with every evil imaginable if he did not return the ring. Ringstealer said the ring’s voice warned he would experience an IRS audit, severe dental work, purple nurples, incurable flatulence when in the presence of pretty women, infinite visits from his in-laws and satellite TV with only the Lifetime channel and Gallagher specials. He promptly returned the ring during confession the next morning.

“We can’t have this type of thing continuing to occur,” a Vatican official was quoted as saying. These papal rings aren’t like Cracker Jack box jewelry and it’s going to get expensive if we have to continually replace them. We may have to pass the increasing ring costs on to our consumers, uh, I mean fellow Catholics in the form of new church offerings if it continues,” the official added.

Understandably, the Vatican’s concern is growing each time a ‘ring incident’ happens. At the next conference of cardinals and other church officials, the decision will be made whether to have the ring resized or to just fatten the Pope up. Insiders say they are leaning towards fattening him up as it’s cheaper in the long run.

Respost Sunday: If You Like Elton John, You’ll Love William Shatner…No really!!

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off. This was originally posted August 22, 2006. I was sending this to a friend yesterday and was reminded how cheesy it was and wanted to share it again. Enjoy the cheese!

A few weeks back, I posted a story about the worst music video I may have ever seen, although I still thought it was catchy. I didn’t think it was possible, but David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff has been topped. The depths of entertainment got even deeper while I was watching Comedy Central’s roast of William Shatner. They showed some of his musical clips and through the never ceasing wonder of the internet, which I shall henceforth term Wondernet, I can share it with you. It is William Shatner’s rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man, and believe me, using the word rendition is being very polite.

The performance was done at a 1978 science fiction awards show hosted my Shatner. I hope to high heaven that this video was done tongue in cheek! Any credence it might have had as a legitimate muscial number was helped by the fact Bernie Taupin, the song’s writer, introduced the performance. When watching it I could almost swear I heard the audience beginning to laugh as they did not know what they were witnessing, but Shatner kept a straight face. He did laugh a little at the end suggesting it might have been done as a joke. If it wasn't meant for a laugh, Captain Kirk takes himself way too seriously.

TJ Hooker (or Kirk or Shatner, whatever you prefer) was known for his spoken word “interpretations” of songs like “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” and “Tambourine Man” but there were some neato special effects that accompanied this unique star ship wreck of a performance. It features two digitally super imposed Shatners singing with the real one. This was before the weight gain and toupees, so it’s easier to tell which one of them is real. It was also long before anyone knew what digital special effects were so it made it that much easier to spot which were the super imposed versions, too. The low point, or comedic high point depending on your preference, is at the 3:50 mark. Trust me, you’ll know what I mean.

Although I am embarrassed to say it publicly for the first time since the 8th grade, I was a big Star Trek fan. Every episode of the original series and every movie are familiar to me. But, just as I dissed The Hoff, I must now bow my head in shame at Shatner’s performance. To say he boldly went where no one has gone before (which I have to do because this post is about William Shatner) is a big understatement. He went way past where anyone had gone before and where no one will try and venture to again.

For anyone wondering if there is a singing course taught at the often referred to William Shatner School of Bad Acting, the answer is a resounding: yes…there…is…

Things I Learned This Week: 10/21/06

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and always pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 10/15/06-10/21/06.

! I learned that when my doctor prescribes Valium (for an inner ear problem, seriously) and I tell my coworkers that I need to leave early to pick up my prescription for Valium and they get really concerned, that it’s fun to say “don’t worry, it’s not prescribed to me for the reason you think it is…it’s for stress.

! I learned that my young daughters don’t have the same appreciation for a baseball Game 7 that I do. Hence, I almost missed one of the best catches ever because I was playing Go Fish. Here’s one – Do you have any baseball coverage? No Daddy, go fish!

! I learned that when you win and successfully defend the large company your work for in small claims court that given the choice of riding down in the elevator with the people that just sued your company and lost or waiting for the next one, you should really wait for the next one. And I thought regular elevator rides with strangers were awkward!!

! I learned that despite its seemingly innocuous name, “Pooh’s Heffalump Halloween Movie” can give 4-year olds nightmares.

! I learned that when the gang from work invites the boss to lunch, you should try and steer the conversation away from missed deadlines as much as possible. Example: Oh yeah Michael, that reminds me, did you get the XYZ report in to me last week? Hey, how about them nachos and salsa? They’re delicious!

! Number 5 reminds me that I also learned when it is Bosses Day and everyone leaves the office for lunch together, you should probably invite your actual boss. So the answer is yes, the thing I learned listed above this one happened the day AFTER Bosses Day.

And lastly…

! I learned that if you are going to keep referring to your female coworker when listing the things you learned this week, you’d better get her permission and probably remember that you keep mentioning her BEFORE you tell her about the existence of your blog.

***Also, I want to thank Morgen at It's A Blog Eat Blog World for allowing me to play 7 Silly Questions this week. Morgen, thanks again and I had a blast!!

Five’s A Charm

I want to thank The Thinker 5 times for tagging me with this list of fives. So, here goes…

Five Things I Would Do If I Were A Millionaire:
Obviously I would quit work, so I won’t even count that one, but what I would do is:
1. Attend the night race at Bristol Motor Speedway
2. Build our dream home, with enough room for our closest family to stay with us during the major holidays (like the Daytona 500 weekend and Columbus Day)
3. Once a year take our closest friends and their immediate families on a cruise
4. Finally take my wife to Hawaii – Aloha Moola!!
5. Donate an entire ward and all the tools, equipment and medicine necessary to fill it, to our local children’s hospital. I would ask that it be named after someone in my life who has had a great influence on me – or TV personality Fred Willard. It really depends on how I feel during dedication day

Five Bad Habits:
1. Not listening when others are speaking
2. Laziness
3. Burping out loud
4. Procrastinating. Actually forget that one, I’ll type it later (see what I mean)
5. Interrrupting when others are speaking, usually to make a joke

Five Things I Hate Doing:
1. Getting up and going to work when my little ones and wife are still sleeping
2. Getting to work
3. Trips to the emergency room to be defibrilated
4. Attending funerals
5. Attending weddings

Five Things I Would Never Do:
1. Be mean to someone’s face
2. Cuss in front of my parents
3. Abandon my family
4. Steal
5. Root for Jeff Gordon or the Atlanta Braves

Five Things I Regret Doing:
1. Not trying open mic night at a local comedy club when my history teacher encouraged me to in high school
2. Leaving 2 very good job opportunites/career paths that were offered to me early in my working life
3. Not keeping in touch with a few old friends
4. Not starting my writing/blogging a year earlier when at home all summer recovering from major surgery
5. Waiting 4 years to lose all the weight I gained after getting married (and gaining it in the frist dang place!)

Five Favorite Things:
1. Family
2. NASCAR and Baseball
3. (Trying to) make people laugh
4. Good food (especially BBQ and lobster)
5. Christmastime (which as you know, seems to run from late September through New Years nowadays)

Five People I Choose To Do This:
Hmmmmm, whoever wants to. Just make sure you let me know you did. Hopefully the number will come out to 5!








Also, I want to thank Ra Ra Ra Bunggio at Awesomely Amazing for choosing me as the 2nd Place winner in his First Ever Wiki Contest to name a 'Cheesy Pick Up Line' ...woo hoo, it's a major award!!

It Seemed Like A Great Idea At The Time…

According to Reuters, a company in California (where else would it be) that cloned family pets has closed its doors. The company’s name (and I swear on everything holy that I am not making this up) was named Genetic Savings and Clone. No, really. The Reuters story said that the company had only cloned two cats while in business and charged $50,000 to do so.

This is just a thought here, but if you were paying that much money to clone a pet because you were either so attached to it…. or…I don’t know…CRAZY, wouldn’t you feel better spending that type of dough on a firm with a little more scientific sounding name? I’m thinking of a name like Clone Technologies, Inc. or Genetic Reproductions; something with a little credence to it rather than sounding like something from Saturday Night Live.

That being stated however, assigning a clever name to a pet cloning company would make an ad agency’s creative team salivate. I can imagine names like Double Trouble, Clones-R-Us, You Bring ‘Em, We Clone ‘Em. Well, you get the point. At the end of the day, I guess the name was irrelevant since the company was only given business by two people in their few years of existence. That’s not an overwhelming vote of confidence.

I know that there are a lot of moral, ethical and religious issues with cloning, but if I had $50 grand to throw away, I’d throw it away on myself instead of the family pet. I would also throw out my caution, better judgment and taste so I could clone myself. It seems like something from a bad sitcom (we could call it All of Me and the theme song would be the Sinatra tune by the same name), but when you stop to really think it out, it’s not a bad idea.

It hit me while I was sitting in small claims court this morning representing the large company I work for that there are things we all hate doing, like work. By having ourselves cloned, it would be like taking an early retirement. We can just send our clone to do whatever we don’t want to. Unless I am getting honored or they’re celebrating my birthday, I’d send my clone to work while I go out and enjoy myself. Dinner at the in-laws next week? Yep, clone time. Let’s say you get caught speeding tomorrow. Who would you rather send to traffic school, yourself or your clone?

Have you always wanted to skydive but were too afraid? Send your clone. It’s a win-win situation because if your clone survives and says there’s nothing to it then you are safe to try it yourself. If your clone doesn’t make it or thinks you’d be too scared, at least you’ve got the photos of your clone skydiving that you can use to brag. Think about that obnoxious neighbor down the street who throws the holiday party every winter that you feel you have to attend, even though you can’t stand him. That’s the perfect time to send your clone in place of you, especially if he serves turkey burgers and soy eggnog again this year.

There are some finer details that need to be worked out (like staring your clone in the face without losing your sanity), but I wouldn’t mind having myself cloned. I’m not so sure my wife would agree, so I’ll probably have to put my exact replica up in an apartment across town and provide him with a portion of my income like he’s a ‘kept’ clone. I just hope my wife doesn’t find out. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if she found out about the apartment and money and accused me of cheating? I’d look pretty pathetic when it’s discovered that I’m not hiding another woman, but my exact clone. Although, if it means retirement at the age of 32, I’d say it’s well worth the risk.