Don’t Say You Heard It From Me or I Can’t Believe He’s On Social Media

Positive quotes and advice are EVERYWHERE — from my daughters’ schools to TV and the interwebs.  That’s fine and dandy but you really have to watch where you get the positive advice from. What I’m trying to say is it’s best NOT to take that advice from me. Being a motivational speaker is something I will never see when I fill out an aptitude test! Here’s some of my bad advice:

Math
I don’t do math. Not “I don’t do math very well,” just “I don’t do math.” I like taking a look back at history and pointing out to people that on this day something happened. I usually say what year such and such took place. It’s not uncommon for me to exaggerate the day. That’s only because I couldn’t do the math to figure out what year it really happened. So I make it up. First piece of advice NOT to take from me: don’t do that! You’ll only end up looking foolish. People who read what year you said such and such happened in will think you really don’t know. For example, when you say that Lincoln’s Gettysburg address was given this day 653 years ago, it’s probably not funny and people will think they’ve befriended an idiot. And, you’ve committed that to writing. It’s permanently associated with your  name. Again, don’t do that!

Bacon is not good for you
Wow!!! That was hard to write!!!!  It literally took me 10 minutes. So when I post a picture of bacon look the other way or jog 12 miles. Both would be far better for you. (That reminds me; get out a package of bacon to defrost with for dinner. Ohhh, that’s for me to remember when I’m proofreading this post. That wasn’t for you, the reader…). Bacon leads to high cholesterol, and heart disease and blood pressure and yada, yada. Sorry, I’m having a really hard time writing this!! It’s not good for you. That’s the part I want you to take from this, not how delicious the house smells when cooking it!! Granted drugs are really bad for you so when you look at bacon from that point, it’s probably ok to eat. Again, that’s not the point of this message…

Eating cheese in large quantities is not perfectly OK
I’m dying a little inside with each of these points I’m making! I bet you are reading this list and thinking I weigh 400 pounds. I should weigh that with what I put into my body. A scientific study released in the past few weeks said that eating cheese can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol. But, like I said about bacon, drugs are REALLY bad, so having an addiction to cheese is comparatively ok. No, no, no. That’s not the advice I’m trying to give! Eating a huge amount of cheese can lead to high cholesterol, and heart disease and blood pressure and yada, yada. Again, sorry. My mind drifted off to a piece of Havarti and me in a rolling field of grass. Cheese in large quantities is also not good for you. There, I said it. Now leave me to sit and pout.

I probably have several other pieces of “advice” not to give but my coffee is getting cold. DON’T say anything about coffee. Especially don’t say a peep about how caffeine is bad for my irregular heart condition. If I want that type of negativity in my life I’ll schedule an appointment with my cardiologist. Now where did I put my hidden stash of Slim Jims?????

They’re Playing Our Song???

Maybe it’s because I still have a little Valentine’s Day spirit left or maybe it’s because I just listened to some great (although 40 years old) music, I wanted to share with you some toe-tapping ditties that REALLY makes the listener take notice on this day of love…

For the record, I love all the songs I’m going to talk about! Really!!

Love Child by the Supremes
The title is enough to make hearts swoon. And when you hear the line:
I started my life in an old, cold, rundown tenement slum

 you’re humming along!! I think I’ve written about this song before. Who doesn’t like a love child?

Alone Again, Naturally by Gilbert O’Sullivan.

Where to begin? The name of the artist. He should be headlining around the world!! I should mention when I was little boy (yes, I listen to Gilbert and his chart topping compadres when I was little) I thought this was solo record by Paul McCartney—which made it even better. And who doesn’t like to dance to
In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off…

I don’t even dance and I want this song to be played everywhere I go!! Such a great song!!

Superstar by the Carpenters (Ok, really ANY Carpenters song)

It sounds by the title like Karen would be singing about how great it is now that she’s a superstar. There’s the rub. She actually missing someone who became a Superstar. Don’t we all know that feeling?! And the way the backup singers (also Karen) sing the “baby” melts my heart. With lyrics like:
Loneliness is such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you again
What to say to make you come again?
Come back to me again and play your sad guitar

It really makes you want to see him come back. Only problem is: he didn’t!

Silence Is Golden by The Tremeloes.
This is such a great mid-60’s hit by an English group. Wow, that was a pretty generic description. But nothing is generic about the upbeat lyrics!!
Oh don't it hurt deep inside
To see someone do something to her
Oh don't it pain to see someone cry
How especially if that someone is her

Silence is golden
But my eyes still see
Silence is golden, golden
But my eyes still see

 This song has it all!! The very definition of a chart topper with upbeat words like: hurt deep inside, pain, cry, and silence. How did Lawrence Welk never do that song on Saturday nights?

We Just Disagree by Dave Mason
This is THE sound for happily married couples. With lyrics like:
So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye
There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy
There's only you and me and we just disagree
Who wouldn’t want to see that in a Valentine’s Day card? That’s pretty much all I need to say about We Just Disagree. Hey, I rhymed!!!

Yesterday’s Gone by Chad and Jeremy
A very upbeat song by the Bristish Invasion group. A side note: Chad was one of the British vultures in The Jungle Book. Nothing like looking back on lost love which is pretty much all this song does.
I loved you all the summer through
I thought I'd found my dream in you
For me you were the one
But that was yesterday and yesterday's gone
Seriously, the beat is so catchy I wish they had more yesterdays to bid adieu to!!

I Go To Pieces by Peter and Gordon.
Another song by a 60’s British Duo? Yep!!!! Peter Asher was the sister of Paul McCartney’s girlfriend for most of the 60’s—which again made it better. With lyrics including “die” it was destined for glory!!
I go to places we used to go
But I know she'll never show
She hurt me so much inside
Now I hope she's satisfied
And I, go to pieces and I want to hide
Go to pieces and I almost die
And a line about come-uppance, I hope she really is satisfied!!

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. Actually, I’d like to include in this list pretty much EVERY Elton John ballad. Granted I’m still pretty unsure of the meaning of most of them but with titles like “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues,” Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word,” and “That Train Don’t Stop There Anymore,” (which obviously isn’t about a train stop) he could be the master of “feeling the love ditties!!!”

*****Also there are some noteworthy titles I’ll probably tackle next Valentines Day.
Suicdie Is Painless – The orginal title of the M*A*S*H Theme Song
and
I’m Not In Love by 10cc – I don’t what they drinking but the doctor to give me 100ccs of it!!!

Seriously though, have a great Valentines Day!!!

Holy Blank Page Batman or Coming to Accept My Stroke, But That's Not Too Uplifting Of A Title

They always say a blank page to a writer is the worst horror imaginable. Well, something like that. There was a time when that didn’t affect me in the least. When I sat down with my cup of coffee at the computer I could type  300-800 words in an instant. Nowadays, that doesn’t happen as much. OK, or at all. Perhaps that’s because as a society we don’t want to pay attention to someone’s finely crafted prose (or in my case whatever I happen to be rush-writing. Rush writing, adj.:  to hurry and write a blog post while at work so no one catches you).

You’re saying that’s an excuse offered up by me. But, there’s credence in it (I think that is the FIRST time I’ve used that word without following it with the words Clearwater Revival). It’s much easier to write a sentence joke or a meme and get a laugh. And memes contain pictures, which immediately captures the viewer like something written could never do.

I know in the last 10 years I’ve taken the meme route many times. It’s just easier. Like BBQ’ing on a gas grill as opposed to a charcoal grill. Even though gas grills give you NO taste. There’s something about wood smoke while BBqing that…well, that’s another discussion for another time. I’m really hungry right now. But it’s time to get back on board with doing actual writing, despite the problems I now face with writing.

Since the stroke there are NUMEROUS times I’d have to stop what I’m writing to look up a word (even a common word) on Google to finish my thought.  I did it in the second paragraph when I Googled “Rock band named Creedence). That’s not only time consuming, it really derails my train of thought. BTW, if you are looking for a band name, Derailed Train of Thought is available, if you pay me the finder’s fee of $50 or 10 percent of your royalties from your first 3 singles.

If that wasn’t annoying enough, I can only write with one hand and whenever I place my right hand on the mouse, I seem to erase stuff. Don’t ever use me as your editor. In addition, I make A LOT of mistakes in my writing now. Some can be solved with (I just had to Google: “autocorrect with MS Word” to find the word “proofing”) the proofing feature of your writing software. But other mistakes I make I actually have to figure out what I meant, which has always been a trying experience!!

Maybe all of these things will get better the longer I actually sit down and write. If you’ve never heard my “writing and sports analogy,” here it goes. Writing does to your brain what sports do to your muscles—with the exception of eating as a competitive sport. (I think all that does is make you a candidate for Levis stock. You know, because you have to keep buying larger pants sizes. Never mind…) What I’m saying is that you get better at writing and laying down your thoughts in a COHESIVE manner the longer you write.

So, that’s what I’ll be doing from here on out and you a free to enjoy  witness the horror ride with me. Though I will probably delete this post after I reread it tomorrow. Now I’m off to Google “what do you feel when no one reads a post you’ve spent a lot of time on…”

My 353rd Try At Becoming A Blogger, Again!

I think that title made sense. Anyway, I am trying to blog again. I used to love blogging and it was my creative outlet. Nowadays my creative outlet is me yelling at the TV while watching Hawaii 5-0. Clearly, I need more to stimulate me. So, I’m going to list a bunch of hashtags that you never see. If one speaks to you, by all means, start using it! As a warning, I’m new to hashtags. Here is my list of hastags (man, I’m using that word a lot) you never see.

#CurlingAsASwearWord – Have YOU ever used the word “curling” as a cuss word. I thought not.

#TheyShouldMakeHawaiianShirtsInFlannelForPeopleThatGetColdEasilyButStillLikeToWearThatTropicalLiefestyle – I was putting away a flannel shirt next to one of my Hawaiian shirts in the closet. Again, hashtags are new to me.

#TheWeirdestThingIHaveCleanedUpUsASchoolCustodian – The fewer time I spend on this one the better. Fingernails can be disgusting…

#IsBaconAThingYouPutIntoPancakes – Obviously the answer is YES!!

#WhyAreThereNoBluegrassRapAlbums – Seriously! I might actually listen to rap if there were.

#DenimsOverallsShouldMakeAFashionComeback – This was my New Years Resolution for the last 12 years. It gets pretty old having to repeat this one year after year.

#IWantADeepFryer – I do Nothing else needs to be said.

#YouWouldBeCloserToYourIdealWeightIfYouAteLess – But life wouldn’t be as much fun.

#AreHashTagsReallyJustSublimialThoughtsThatArentThatSublimial – Think about it.

#AreGifsTheEndOfSocietyAsWeKnowIt – I was just angry with gifs one day because I was having a hard time finding a gif for someone’s post.

#DidAbeLincolnReallyUseThatBoomBoxHeIsPicturedWith – Inquiring minds want to know!! 

So, there is my list and possibly the end of my 353^rd attempt at restarting my blog…