What A Concert! Also named "My Type Of People."

 This was written Memorial Day weekend of 2012. I still have fond memories of going to that concert. I even bought the CD of that concert tour. Sooooo great!!!

This past Saturday I attended perhaps the best concert ever.  It was timed perfectly.  It was Memorial Day weekend AND Sirius radio was playing their music constantly!  You may ask yourself "how did I get here..."  No wait, that's something entirely different.  What you are most likely asking yourself is "what band is he talking about?"  The band is The Accordion Kings! 

Actually I don't know if there is a band named that but if there is, I'm free to manage it, but it won't be free to manage.  The band was named the Beach Boys and it was there 50th Anniversary Tour!!  I have never written a review of a concert and I'm not about to now - other than to say it was KICKAWESOME!!!  40+ songs and it lasted at least 2 1/2 hours!  You might be doing the math about how long the songs were, but back in the 60's most songs were 2 and a half minutes.

I have seen the Beach Boys many times, but this was the first with Brian Wilson, which made it all the more special.  Now I guess I should have known what the audience would be since it's the 50th Anniversary of them getting together, but I can also be very "not-fast of mind."  So,  I was surprised that most of the audience were over 60 and practically all the men had Hawaiian shirts on!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

Maybe it's just the place we saw them at - a casino in Palm Springs.  But as we were in the buffet line (ok, hold you're wise cracks) I complemented every guy I saw that had on Hawaiian shirt and asked them if they were going to the concert.  Every one of them said they were.  If I had that type of success rate, I should have gone to a casino!  Oh wait...

So what I am trying to say is that the concert was stupendous and people over 60 years old and wearing Hawaiian shirts are my type of people!!  I fit in better with that crowd than I do people my own age!  All that I am missing is the gray hair!  Uh-oh, I see one coming in...

WWWhat a Great Anniversary to Celebrate

This was written to honor Al Gore's greatest invention: the worldwide web. The anniversary is sometime in July, but sitting here recuperating from my procedure last week, all I can manage is a repost. When my body allows me to sit at the computer long enough, I'll post something new. I think that's the excuse all great writers use. Right?!

Yesterday was the anniversary of the World Wide Web, or the WWW, if you’re cool and hip. I’m not, so I will keep having to type out World Wide Web. In just a relatively few short years, think of how this invention has become so integral to our lives. I mean you are reading this blog post on the World Wide Web and will undoubtedly leave it to surf other things on the World Wide Web. In fact, you may leave this World Wide Web page before even finishing this post. Granted, that’s kind of rude, but not really the point I am trying to make about the World Wi…you know what, I’m going with just calling it the WWW and I don’t care what anyone says!

The WWW has made accessing information so much easier. It has made terms or companies like Google or MapQuest now part of our language. Heck, Google and MapQuest are actually verbs now. I Google and MapQuest stuff all the time. I Google recipes, information on things of interest, you name it. I used to ogle, but I am past that now. I also MapQuest directions almost daily. Granted I never trust their directions and go with my own intuition, but 9 times out of 10 that just leads me to turning around and going back to the exact spot that I deviated from MapQuest’s directions in the first place.

I waste a lot of gas doing this, but that’s ok because I can just use the WWW to find the cheapest place selling gas. The only problem with that is it’s the same place everyone else goes to get gas. Fortunately, I can also use the WWW to find the station selling the most expensive gas. I go there and never have to wait in line. In fact, the people working there are so incredibly friendly. They always smile and laugh as I pull away.

The WWW is an amazing never ending maze of interesting websites with one leading you to another with just a click of the mouse and your interest to guide you. It’s almost like an intricate spider web that begins at one single point and radiates out in many different ways. This complex web of entertainment and information is made up of sites from all over the world. When you think about it, it’s like a spider web that is world wide. Oh, wait a minute…so THAT’S why that call it that. Hmmm, go figure.

I have found that I can seek the answers to almost anything on line. When I wanted to know how to crack open a coconut, I used the WWW. Although I think I did it wrong because I ended up striking my thumb with the hammer. Still though, the information I received on the WWW gave me a starting point. When I needed a recipe for homemade frozen ice cream, the WWW gave me several. The only thing is, apparently you need to make sure you are using the right recipe for the capacity of your ice cream maker or you will make too much and then the ice cream maker will stop turning. The reaction of that action seems to be a burnt motor. No fear though, you can find your ice cream maker manufacturer’s website on the WWW and check the warranty. I did that, and the warranty doesn’t cover the mistake I made. I was tempted to use the WWW to send a nasty letter to the ice cream maker’s maker, but I came across a news story about panda poop souvenirs and never sent it.

I hope I have given you just a small sampling of the World Wide Web’s amazing power and potential. I feel so strongly about it (and the fact that I missed the WWW’s real anniversary yesterday) that I composed a short poem to honor the World Wide Web…
Oh WWW
What would I do without ya

It’s such a fun trick
To be able to click

When I need something really quick

It’s so much fun to be online
All of the time...

Unless I am at work

Insomnia Man

  To celebrate Super Hero Day, I present Insomnia Man. I wrote this after a few nights of insomnia, which kind of explains a lot...

Insomnia Man (IM because I’m too lazy to type the full name) was a sheepherder until being laid off in the late 90s when computer software and technology made it possible to count sheep more cheaply and efficiently than a mere mortal could. This disturbed Insomnia Man deeply and disrupted the ebb and flow of his life, but he found work not long after in a local office complex. He would spend his days in his drab mono-colored (coloured for any of my European readers) cubicle staring at a computer monitor listening to the incessant droning native to the office environment while pushing papers and taking things in and out of manila folders because that’s what he saw those around him doing. Due to the lack of excitement he was used to on the sheep farm, he would often fall asleep at his desk. IM could get away with this because he always had plenty of manila folders on his desk and was never seen not clutching one. This daytime sleeping made it hard to fall asleep at night and before too long IM became a full-fledged insomniac. Well, that’s what he believed after seeing that he had a few of the same symptoms as an insomniac does on the internet. Perhaps he was too quickly convinced that he was an insomniac because he thought it made him a candidate for disability until he was laughed out of his company’s HR Specialist’s office. This made him bitter and agitated which further deterred his ability to sleep.

The insomnia didn’t bother IM too much at first because it made it much easier for him to sleep through his workday and that made the workday pass much quicker than if he actually worked straight through 8 consecutive hours. IM would spend his nights learning foreign languages by watching their infomercials or enjoying his TiVo’d episodes of ‘The Wonder Years’ (don’t we all have Winnie Coopers or Kevin Arnolds in our past). One night while craving a Chalupa, he took to the streets to find a Taco Bell. It was at this time that he witnessed his very first crime. At least he thought that the guy was breaking into his neighbors house until he called the police and they discovered that it was his neighbor’s Father-in-law trying to get back into the house because he locked himself out while house sitting. Never the less, the adrenaline rush he experienced while thinking he was foiling a criminal act now and forever would be in his blood. It was only a bonus that his neighbors later dropped the charges against him.

IM now knew what he must do. He would use his sub-super powers to prevent evil in his city by finding crime in progress and calling the police. Sadly, IM was not smart enough to realize that the crime would be over by the time he reported it. He upgraded his cell phone plan, bought a digital camera and while his wife slept one night, he assembled everything he would need to fashion his own superhero costume, although he disliked the term costume as he felt it belittled him and referred to it as his ‘Superuni.” He later realized he had no talent for combining words and just stuck with ‘My Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime.” One night after driving himself to the emergency room to have his fingers removed from the cape he had accidentally sewed to them, his Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime was finished.

IM was now free to patrol the streets at night looking and listening for crime. He found that the longer he went without sleep, the harder it was to walk or drive straight and trust what he was seeing. Unfortunately, he missed more crimes than he prevented and was asked by the authorities to stop searching for crime after striking a group of elderly women leaving a bingo game one night. In time, the police dispatchers stopped taking his calls and then became further irritated when they had to dispatch officers nightly to get him off the yards of the town’s citizens. It turns out that those Neighborhood Watch programs really are effective. But then, how difficult is it to spot someone in a mask and cape with big ‘ZZZZs’ on their chest peeking in through your neighbor’s window.

Times were tough for IM. Then when having to go to the grocery store for his wife one day (despite his insistence that he needed to try and sleep during the day because he did really important stuff at night like Elvis used to), he realized that he actually did have an almost superpower. The bags under his eyes had become so big that they repelled the sunlight allowing him to not have to squint, just like the pro athletes who paint black streaks under their eyes before they compete. Now he could seek out and report crime to the authorities in the daytime too. 

Insomnia Man patrolled the local streets day and night unsuccessfully for over 20 years. Then one day his social security check began arriving and his wife retired. She insisted that they buy a motor home and travel the country (mostly to escape the constant ridicule for being the wife of the sleepless caped idiot). While driving the motor home, he fell asleep at the wheel driving through Needles, California and was hospitalized for 8 months. Ironically, that day driving and the ensuing 8 months was the best (and by best I mean only) sleep he had experienced in 23 years. After recovering; they retired to Florida, took up lawn bowling and he now falls asleep at 3PM everyday while watching ‘The People’s Court’ in his recliner. 

It’s still a sore subject for him when his grandchildren make fun of Insomnia Man. Except for the one grandchild who is afraid of sleep and found Insomnia Man’s Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because He Can’t Really Fight, Crime in his grandfather’s attic one day…

They Don't Make Roommates Like That Anymore.

Since it's National Tell A Story Day, this story came to mind. For one weekend in 2007, I was admitted to the hospital to have them administer a new heart drug to me. This is the story of my roommate...

My hospital roommate was something one could only dream up, except I’m telling the truth. He was an older Southern Gentleman, a real Southerner. As opposed to fake Southerner, which be would akin to Harvey Corman in the Carol Burnett "Gone With The Wind" skit. Listening to his voice, I felt like the Confederates were just moments away from stealing my plantation and drinking all my sweet tea…I mean that what the Civil War was like, right? I should probably begin podcasting, because written word will never, ever do justice to my impersonation of him calling his mother’s caretaker. As he was watching an I Love Lucy rerun (as opposed to the new episodes I guess. Did I really need to say it was a rerun), he called his mom’s care taker and this is what I heard (now picture a very, very dignified Southern voice saying this ‘tell mutha, that Vitameatavegimin is on. You can watch your stories lata, Vitameatavegimin is on.’ I was laughing so hard I almost popped my IV out. Moments later his phone rang and in the same dignified voice, I heard ‘I will have to call you back in 90 minutes. Vitiameatavegimin is on and then I need to watch my Judge Hatchett.’ All I could do every time his mouth opened was picture Forrest Gump’s Mama’s house.

Join the CIA!!!!!

I joked last week (OK, 7 years ago for those scoring at home) about wanting to do a story based on a radio commercial I heard about the fact that the CIA is hiring, but I was too afraid of Big Brother. They're like HR only with weapons and wiretapping, though unlike my HR, they probably let you surf the web. Although I'm sure it's in the name of National Security, which really isn't a good name. I prefer something more traditional like Dale or possibly Ella, if it's a girl. 

Well, after reading this AP story about the CIA on Yahoo, I’m ready to. The story is about how the CIA is looking for new employees, which I guess they call recruits or perhaps newhires or maybe if you're really lucky, agents. The story says that they have shown ads during baseball games, taken out ad space in various magazines and airport billboards as well as during movie trailers. If they're smart, they would take out ads next to the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World ads, which I wrote about just a few posts below - but don't go there yet. I'd like you to finish this one first. It even says the CIA has hired an ad agency. I bet the ad company’s creative folks are having a blast pitching ideas to CIA employees. I can hear it now, “ok guys, if you don’t think this tagline is good, you’re not going to shoot or torture me, right? Guys, smile, that was just a joke, really.” No, it's not a slick pitch like they make on "Mad Men" but it's how I used to pitch clients and I even landed one of them once, so there.

Now I’m glad to know that I wasn’t the only one noticing how weird it is that our government’s intelligence agency is publicly seeking employees. Apparently one of the things the CIA wants to do is wipe away the notion that all CIA work is like the very fictional world of James Bond. I’m sure my stereotypical driveling in the next few paragraphs is the exact type of thinking they want to discourage, but I just can’t help it. And with that, cue the moving gun barrel and the image of a well dressed man walking across it preparing to shoot you. Why yes, you can pretend it's me if you'd like...

What a relief though to know that if the CIA were to hire me I wouldn’t have to go out and buy enough tuxedos for every day of the week. It would be a little sad in a way to be hired by the CIA and have all of those myths associated with covert work demystified so quickly. I could see myself sitting in my new cubicle saying to no one in particular, “so this is it, really? Can my ballpoint pen kill anybody? When do I get to meet Q? Did I miss the lady with the caviar cart or does she come by after lunch?” At that point I’m sure I’d be executed fired.

Although I know nothing about the workings of our country’s intelligence agency (in fact just using the word intelligence usually trips me up), I would imagine that working in a cubicle there beats working in a cubicle for anyone else. My guess is that the two most interesting departments would be HR and the requisitioning department. My mind can only imagine what items would be requisitioned at the CIA. Of course, in reality it’s probably the same type of stuff at any company like pencils, pens, computers, paper, copier toner and explosive tie clips. Wouldn’t it be great to hear a line like, “did you get that order of magnetic, homing device, self destructing wrist watches filled yet,” just once while at work.

HR might be the easiest department since every personnel file would be marked ‘classified.’ Imagine having to review someone’s file to determine whether administrative leave is necessary after he or she destroyed an entire riverfront Bistro in pursuit of a wanted dangerous international smuggler. More than likely, the day-to-day monotony of a CIA HR person would be filled with healthcare enrollment options, retirement packages and sexual harassment claims filed by older cold war relic spies who keep hitting on their new, young secretaries by calling them Ms. Moneypenny and asking if they’d like to see his Aston Martin (if you catch my drift). I should tell you that the notion to go with Pussy Galore instead of Ms. Moneypenny in that last sentence crossed my mind, but there's a certain word there that makes me blush. I shudder to think of using the word Moneypenny in a public setting.  The word should actually be two separate words, but that's how they created it. It's so embarassing when you catch other people making spelling or grammatic errors.

Man, I bet the training films are great to watch. Do you think they save money and just show Bond films or episodes of Get Smart or do you think they actually make the training films themselves complete with monotone narration and lots of great black and white 1950's stock footage? Do the training films talk about how important it is to forget what you overheard during lunch or to only look down at the floor or up to the ceiling when walking down the hall? Are there plenty of suggestions on how to make the perfect double entendre or witty remark after you have killed someone? Does it cover the importance of leaving your disguises in the office and not forwarding government email to your best friend from high school just because it says ‘for your eyes only’ or ‘this message must be destroyed after receipt?’ My mind tingles at the possibilities.

Do you think the CIA plays other government entities in a governmental softball or bowling league? I bet that all the CIA players show up in Ray-Ban sunglasses and fake beards. I wonder if the other teams just throw the games because they are afraid of what would happen if they beat the CIA. No matter what the answers to all of these questions are, I think me asking them out loud has just guaranteed that I will never be invited to work for their agency. Oh well, it was worth a shot, right? After all, you only live twice. And diamonds are forever. And nobody does it better. And tomorrow never dies. And we have all the time in the world (bonus points if you can name which movie that one was in). There, I think I milked that dead horse for all it's worth. Wait, that can't be right...

Let's Get Rid of Monday!

This blog post was originally written in 2006 on a Monday, as I recall...


I have to say how much I hate Mondays. I know that I am not alone and it’s certainly not a new sentiment among the blogging or Facebook community. You can see the disdain for Mondays on the faces of coworkers, other commuters and just about everyone you interact with on this solemn day. Go ahead, wish someone a Happy Monday and see what happens...

It’s time to address the issue head on. Monday should be removed from our calendar. I propose that we make Tuesday the new Monday. Of course, Tuesday has done nothing to deserve the wrath that becoming the new Monday will bring. Therefore, I also propose that Tuesdays become a universal casual day at work. By 'casual,' I don't mean shorts and sandals, although they certainly are welcome. I mean relaxing, kicking back, sipping drinks and visiting with your coworkers (providing you actually find that relaxing) all while listening to music. Plus, because things are so relaxed, you can come in whenever you want!That and the fact that it’s one day closer to the weekend should help Tuesday remain the somewhat innocuous day it already is. Is there the chance that your company will not want to pay you for relaxing on Back To Work Tuesday? Probably not, remember that the bosses and payroll folks will be relaxing too, just hopefully not with you. That would not be relaxing at all. Well, unless the payroll guy has a little too much to drink and starts doling out 'expense' reimbursements!!

I don’t expect much flak about the abandonment of Mondays except from the folks getting royalties on music about Mondays. I’m speaking of tunes like “Manic Monday,” “Come Monday,” “Monday, Monday” and my favorite “Rainy Days and Mondays.” (Yes, I just used the word 'favorite' in conjunction with the title of a Carpenters song. And yet I still maintain my dignity!) Those Monday songs would become outdated over night. Would it affect “Ruby Tuesday?” I don’t know, I haven't thought that far ahead. Do you really think the Stones are complaining?

When we remove Monday from the calendar it will set in motion a horrible period of chaos and confusion as was expected to occur during the dawn of Y2K. Remember buying up canned goods and erecting a Y2K bunker? No, well then never mind, you daredevil. I suppose you don't cook your pork until it's completely done either! Surely I was not the only one who built a Y2K bunker, right? Well, at least I got a tin-foiled lined, cable TV ready storage shed out of it. I just wish I wasn't still paying it off.

To avoid the problems that converting to a 6-day week would cause, I’ve come up with a solution I hope will be a popular one. We will name the new day Funday and it will become essentially another Sunday (to fill up the empty day) with a Friday feel. This will create the 3-day weekend, every weekend.

So there you have it, a well thought out fair and balanced solution to Mondays. Now if I can just find some crackpot candidate belonging to some obscure political party, we’ll be good to go. We’ll call the new party the Calendarians. Imagine how well a candidate campaigning on the Calendarians’ “Create Funday” ticket would be. How in the world can you run a smear campaign against that? Even if the party loses, man the nominating convention will be a blast!

The Most Momentous Headline I've Ever Read!!!!

 The most momentous headline I've ever read, huh? It sounds pretty impressive, considering it's my first blog post in a couple of years! Seriously, I just read a new item that will change my world — if not yours too.

On Twitter this morning I read a post about McDonald's and the fact that they are going to test "all you can eat fries." Of course, I didn't actually read the article. Reading the article would possibly make the news not as impressive. I figure that the more you don't know makes life more exciting. It also makes you not as well read as you could be, but that hasn't hurt me in 42 years, so why start now...

All you can eat fries? That just boggles the mind. How much would they charge for this slice of heaven on earth? Yes, the article, which again I did not read, probably says how much they would charge, but that's not the point. I would pay far more than what I have in my bank account for the privilege. Then after ingesting sooooo many fries I would be extremely upset with myself for consuming 10,000 calories in one sitting. I would probably be a little sick but hey, that feeling will probably go away. All I would be left with is the feeling that I just had all you can eat fries. That would make me VERY happy. So yes, it was the most momentous headline I've ever yet read.

Thank you, all 3 of you, for taking the time to read this. At my last job, I had to work with a proofreader and I've clearly forgotten all he taught me trying to write this post. Writing is like exercise for the mind and I've clearly walked about 3 steps with this post. But I'm out of breath, so that is all the "exercising" for me today!

It's Be A Dork Day

I am listening to Neil Diamond right now. I think that's all I need to say when it comes to "being a dork." Plus, I admitted I was listening to him.  So, that must be a "double dork" moment!!  In my honest opinion (although why would I state an un-honest opinion...unless I'm describing how an outfit looks on a lady. LADY!!!  Sorry, I had a Jerry Lewis moment.), I'd much rather be thought of as a dork than rude.

Is "dorkiness" a state of mind? Is it a way of being?Is it a conscientious action? Is it a put down? Heck, is "dorkiness" even a word? Am I asking to many questions? Are these questions rhetorical? Is Neil Diamond actually his real name? Is anybody reading this far into my post? What's the square root of 182? OK, I threw that one in there.

Wow, I spent an entire paragraph on questions! I might need to remember that when I don't have an idea of what to write about!!  Especially since my May 22nd post (the last one written before this, uh "masterpiece," was about me bringing new life to this blog.  Seriously though, time to get my thought process back on the dork-side of the tracks. Is "dorkiness" really a state of mind?

When you say that someone is being a dork, I think it conveys the negative as opposed the the positive. Although, I tend to react to being called a dork with a "thank-you." Or maybe even a "thank-you mam. May I have another?"  What qualities makes one a dork? Liking Star Wars AND Star Trek? I personally think of that as a "nerd," not a dork. But that's probably a discussion for another time...

Is devoting time to writing about coffee a dorkish quality? No, I think that's called an addiction.  Is taking a picture of yourself wearing sandals a sign that you have dorkish tendencies? Probably not. Actually, it might be a sign that you have a fetish. If you are listening to the Bee Gees and feel the need to let people know you are listening to them a sign that you have gone to the dork-side? Perhaps so. To others it's a sign that you don't have very good musical taste. I feel that if you are listening to the Bee Gees and want other people to know about it you are a person I need to know!  There aren't enough Bee Gees loving people on this planet!! That's a post for another day, I wish...

So, did I answer the question about what constitutes a dork? Wait, that was the question? I thought this post was about Neil Diamond. Oh well!!  As Neil Diamond once sang, "I am (a dork)...I said."

Exercize for your mind

That title sounds far more deep than I'll ever hope to be! This post has to be my 10th attempt to write about writing.  Back in the day, I could blog 2 pages about nothing with no effort and this time I am taking 5 minutes before each sentence!  I feel like that skeleton now.  And I'm certainly as old as it!!!

But the only way to write again is just to W-R-I-T-E, right now!!  I've got to get the brain active again.  I say I'm a copywriter but I haven't written anything for my own pleasure in a year (and I'm not sure this counts!!!).  I'm not counting the posts or comments I make on Facebook because those are small and don't take any thought.  Although, long time readers of my blog could say that about my blog!!  Touche!!!

This blog was started to make people laugh (with me, not at me) and I took it very seriously, in a lighthearted way.  So, I will do that again - just not right now.  Bada Bum Bump. I've never taken myself so seriously that I thought what I wrote would be earth shattering or that people would NEED to read it.  In fact, I wrote for myself as much as for anybody else. Sooooo, I am making a promise to me (in front of anybody that reads this) that I will write for myself again this summer.  Maybe not every day but at least a few times a week.

Possible things you will see in this space are: my love for coffee, my love for bacon, classic TV, turducken, the odd exploits of my 3 kids, the top things I have learned NOT to do anymore, useless observations, my life (regrettably) as a minivan owner, my endless search for work (seriously - if you need a writer call me!!!!), my "what day is it" posts and anything else that makes me (and hopefully you) laugh - or at the very least chuckle.  OK, if it makes you barely turn up the ends of your mouth in the start of a smile, I will consider my work here done.

I could not-so-humbly declare "I'm back" but that takes too much energy...
and my coffee is getting cold.

I Salute Left Handers...With My Left Hand

Today is International Left Handers Day.  In the past (like 4 years ago) that would have meant as much to me as National Celery Day (I made that up.  Who would make a day to honor the stalk of the devil?).  But, I have reasons to raise my hand up and salute you this fine day!  For the record, I am raising my left hand; raising my right hand to honor this day would be offensive...and a little confusing.

See, 4 years ago we welcomed our little princess into the world.  And it soon became clear that she would be a left hander, or a west-paw, as some of you know it.  Wait, maybe that was south-paw??  If we had any doubt as to her hand of choice, breaking her right arm sealed the deal!  Nothing like having to put your child's arm in a sling during her formative years to help make her decision.  Although, putting her arm in a sling suddenly made her mom and I parents of the year.  Especially when we would put that arm in her shirt so she wouldn't mess with it.  Basically, it looked like we had a one armed baby.  Man, did we get sympathy.  Hmmmm, I wonder where that sling is now.  I am just kidding.  Well, no, I am just kidding...

The other reason why I choose to celebrate "not right hander's day" is because my left hand became very important to me in the last 4 years.  Because of my stroke and the initial effects of it, I had to use my left hand to offset the weakness in my right hand.  I became so used to using my left hand, that it has become my go to hand, even after I regained all feeling in my right hand.  Wow, I just retread what I had typed and all of this right hand/left hand talk is making me sound like a politician!  I type today using my left hand, I drink coffee with my left hand and I even make my pencils fly like rockets using my left hand.  Uhhhhh, forget that last item...

So, all of you left handers, I salute you, with my right hand.  Wait, I mean my left hand.  Oh forget it!!

Writing, It’s Not For Chickens

Well actually it’s not for any fowl.  What I should’ve said was that it’s not for the faint of heart.  Although, I am faint of heart.  Seriously, it’s a medical fact.  Thought my heart ticks when it beats, so I’m actually “loud enough to hear it in the middle of the night” of heart.  Anyway, let’s put the train of thought back on the rails.  This post is about writing (which I write about a lot when I am trouble finding something to write about).  If that made sense, please continue on to paragraph 2…

Hey, you made it to paragraph 2.  I must say that I am surprised.  Well, I will try my best to (legally) make it worthwhile.    This is the umpteenth time I have realized I have neglected my blog.  But it’s so hard after neglecting it to come back and actually write something I would be proud to have you read.  OK, that’s not entirely accurate…because I haven’t been proud of any of my posts since I began blogging in 2006.  But, they would make a good coffee table book, you know, to put coffee on…

But, I’ve got my coffee, writing pipe in my mouth and Christmas music (uhhhhh, “Halloween” music) playing in the background.  So, I should be able to write a decent post.  Notice the “should” in that last sentence.  I could write about sports, politics or my carpet, but all of those would have everybody lining up for their side of the argument.  I’m trying to avoid that! 

I suppose I could write about food.  The two things I have wanted since I began writing are a deep-fryer (I hope my wife is reading this!) and a smoker.  Let me go ahead and say that a “smoker” is not an old person that wheezes (I did NOT say “whizzes…”).  It is a way of BBQ’ing VERY slowly.  So slowly, that I forgot I put a piece of meat in the smoker and when I remembered, it STILL wasn’t done.  But at least I can finally say that I have one!!

That’s really I all I wanted to say concerning food.  In the off chance that you will be back to read anymore of my blogs, I should go ahead and end this one before I lose you.  Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever read a poorer concluding thought.  Let me change that.  I hope your clouds are filled with gold and the grass outside your house tastes like chocolate (if I do say so myself, NICE!!)…

Bring The Olympics Home With You

Do you find yourself still turning on NBC?  Do you wish Michael Phelps had one more race in the pool, or the Men's USA basketball team had one more opponent to wipe the floor with?  Are you missing the 1,447 Olympic commercials, or all the new promos for NBC's new "comedies" or even the McDonalds Olympic scratch-off  game?  (Why does this sound like I am about to sell you something??)

In case you have not noticed, I really miss the Olympics (and it has nothing to due with the fact that I could watch 24/7 sports on TV with an all-female household.  No seriously, that didn't factor in at all!!!)  I miss everything about the Olympics, except for maybe the occasional commercial that had nothing to do with sports, even though they had an Olympic athlete parading around to sell their product.  Like the skeet shooting Bronze medalist that touted the wonders of a new bathroom cleaning sponge.  OK, I made that one up...but at least I came clean about it!  Clean/bathroom sponge, that is funny!!  You're right, it's not...

But all your fears and longings have an answer!!  Take the Olympics home with you everyday!!  You can simply make everything about your personal life medal worthy.  It's simple (and if you call right now, we'll double the offer...), award those that live with you a medal for everything they do!  If you're dreading cleaning out that one corner of the garage, make all of your children takes turns at it.  And you can award them gold, silver and bronze.

Now I am lucky, I have 3 kids, so each one of them will get a medal.  Although Lottie being 3 years old will probably earn all bronzes.  If you have more children than that, wow you are going to have a fierce competition on your hands!  And as a plus, have each child pick their own 'anthem,' so they will hear that when they win.

Be creative.  Don't give away medals for mediocrity.  Expect the best of them for each, uhhhhh, "sport..."  You're household will thank you.  OK, your household CHORES will thank you...

Summer Is Roaring Down The Proverbial Highway!!

Do you hear that??  It's the sounds of summer!! Actually, I don't really know what that means (is it meat on the grill, the waves of the ocean or your Mom telling you to put on sunscreen??).  But, the phrase sounds good.  So, I'm gonna stick with it!

Now Summer doesn't technically start for another week or so, but I like to be early.  Yes, early as in I like my dinner at 4...just like the senior crowd.  Who by the way, people often think I am a part of!  Are Hawaiian shirts relegated to the older folks...I think not!!

Anywhoooo!  It seems like summer.  We've already been to the beach and Sea World and the twins have already been out of state with my parents (oh man, did that seem like a good break. Uh...I didn't mean to say that out loud!!)  And...I got to attend the Beach Boys 50th Anniversary Tour!  In fact, I'm listening to them while I put this post together.  The grill has been used (although that's a multi-seasonal event) and shorts-wearing is in high demand.  Actually in So Cal, when is it NOT in high demand??

So the Sounds of Summer are definitely in style in this house.  Again, I don't know what that means. But go ahead and break out the sunscreen and your t-shirts featuring Weber grills!!  Yes, there IS such a thing  ;-)

The Name Of This Post Is...Well I Don't Know Yet

 I know it's like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and fire, perhaps fire isn't even part of the saying?  Well, what I am trying to say is that many people have discussed what it is like to create something with a blank piece of paper and a pen.  For most, it is like fire and oil, maybe it's fire and paper, ice and fire...now do you see what I am trying to say?  Gosh, I hope so!!  (Gosh???  Was I born in the 1930s??  Gosh????)

The cursor sits on my screen blinking, as if to say 'I'm ready, but you aren't.'  Do you find that happening to you once in a while? Uhhhh...me neither!!!  I realize that at about line 2 of this post, I should have deleted it, but that is letting the cursor win.  I also realize that you are thinking 'he's flirted with it for a long time, but he's finally gone crazy...'  No comment...  :)

I probably should just give you a bullet-pointed list of my best one liners, but it takes more than one line to work up to my jokes.  Well, it takes me more than one line to work towards something.  I think of them as jokes, but I always seem to say I'm sorry after delivering them!  I could try to sell them to a stand-up comic, but I always enjoy jokes when sitting down.  I'm sorry for that...I found it funny.  Oh see, I said I'm sorry.

Well, I have wasted enough time with this post!  But it's good to know that I can still sit down and write not a thing and still have it be 4 paragraphs. I'm also sorry for you if you stayed around long enough to read it!  Wocka Wocka Wocka...  :-)

What A Concert! Also named "My Type Of People."

This past Saturday I attended perhaps the best concert ever.  It was timed perfectly.  It was Memorial Day weekend AND Sirius radio was playing their music constantly!  You may ask yourself "how did I get here..."  No wait, that's something entirely different.  What you are most likely asking yourself is "what band is he talking about?"  The band is The Accordion Kings!

Actually I don't know if there is a band named that but if there is, I'm free to manage it, but it won't be free to manage.  The band was named the Beach Boys and it was there 50th Anniversary Tour!!  I have never written a review of a concert and I'm not about to now - other than to say it was KICKAWESOME!!!  40+ songs and it lasted at least 2 1/2 hours!  You might be doing the math about how long the songs were, but back in the 60's most songs were 2 and a half minutes.

I have seen the Beach Boys many times, but this was the first with Brian Wilson, which made it all the more special.  Now I guess I should have known what the audience would be since it's the 50th Anniversary of them getting together, but I can also be very "not-fast of mind."  So,  I was surprised that most of the audience were over 60 and practically all the men had Hawaiian shirts on!  (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

Maybe it's just the place we saw them at - a casino in Palm Springs.  But as we were in the buffet line (ok, hold you're wise cracks) I complemented every guy I saw that had on Hawaiian shirt and asked them if they were going to the concert.  Every one of them said they were.  If I had that type of success rate, I should have gone to a casino!  Oh wait...

So what I am trying to say is that the concert was stupendous and people over 60 years old and wearing Hawaiian shirts are my type of people!!  I fit in better with that crowd than I do people my own age!  All that I am missing is the gray hair!  Uh-oh, I see one coming in...

The Passenger's Seat

I can't drive 55.  Oh heck, I can't drive period!!  It's been 2 and a half years since I was able to get out my driving gloves and driving goggles.  Uh, did I just admit that?  Uh, well, I was joking.  Yes, I was joking!!

Ahem...moving right along!!  In the time since I have not been able drive, I have discovered a new way to get from here to there.  And, it's finally time I reveal it to you.  It's...THE PASSENGER'S SEAT.  That seat where you would put things while you were driving.  It even has it's very own window!  So, this is my Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat.

10.  They say that the driver has control of the radio...but as a passenger, you have more time to get to it!!

9.  You have time to actually read the map.  Oh, who am I kidding?  You still use the GPS to get where you're going!

8.  You have the misfortune of being the one who passes out the food when you eat at a Drive-thru.

7.  You get to look out the  window as you drive along the coast!!

6.  But you are STILL the one who has to gas up the car.  I'm trying to figure out a solution to this!!!!

5.  When you are playing the radio or a CD, you have to change the radio or CD when everyone tells you "not The Beach Boys...again!!"  Hmmmm...that just might be something you're not familiar with....

4.  YOU get to tell the driver where to turn! Or if you are me, you get to apologize for having the driver turn down the wrong street...

3.  You can lead the passengers in a re-creation of "Bohemian Rhapsody" from Wayne's World!!

2.  On the downside, you are constantly yelling "shot gun."

And the number 1 Thing I Have Learned About Riding In The Passenger's Seat:

You get to sleep while driving!!!!!  Or, play dead - whichever is more fun...

They Give Anyone A Blog...

There's this commercial airing where a guy was saying "they give anyone a blog."  It was a put-down, diss or my favorite "the anti-complement."  And I thought about it for a second (well, I thought about it until I saw 2 shrimps dancing to 'Night Fever' in my mind) and it's true.

But I don't think of it as a negative.  Where would I put my thoughts (and no, the trash is not an acceptable answer) if they didn't.  Where else would you have read about toilet paper, space debris, Star Trek, my disconnected railway of thoughts and having your own island if I didn't have a blog.

The answer is no where.  Unless you were to break into my computer, but then the lawyers and cops would have to be called.  I searched for the 'Anniversary of the Blog,' but found nothing.  I think that's the first time I have not Googled what I have looked for (is Googled a verb...well, now it is).  I have Googled 'where do I find recipes for fried lobster' and 'why does my computer shut down with no warning when I'm listening to David Hasselhoff's music' and I find things.  OK, that last one is a lie. But I just Googled it and I found a quote from 30 Rock, so that's as good as finding an answer!!  By the way, I just saw an ad for Scatt Recreation.  Isn't a scat something animals do...or release?  I realized that has no bearing on this article (well, either does Google) but I just wanted to share it.

Where else could you have read that last paragraph? I realize I'm asking a lot of questions and you probably thought that this was a non-participatory site, but the answer is 'what is a blog.'  Well, the 'what is a' is optional, but I feel like I am really smart when I ask and answer things in a Jeopardy form.  Try it.  See, now don't you feel smart?

I really didn't know what I was going to say in this post, and I know, it shows.  But the term 'they give anyone a blog' was just to ripe to pass up.  Speaking of being too ripe, I smell something coming from the little one....

Top Ten Things I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I recently have tried to use Facebook less.  By less I mean 8 daily posts instead of 15.  By definition that is LESS  :)  But seriously, I have tried to login less.  Although, you could say that I have ended up logging in more because I use to keep FB open all day.  Semantics aside, well I think that is a semantic, actually I'm not sure.  Better check with my Bible because I think Jesus' followers had many battles with the Semantics.  Oops, I have gotten off topic.  These are things I have done since being off of Facebook...

10.  Realized my daughters have almost become 10 years old.  I hope that don't ask for the presents they have been given for the last 4 years!!

9.  Realized my 'baby' girl is almost 3 years old.  I guess that explains why she can talk and walk now...

8.  I found out that my Rapper name is NOT 'E=MC2.'  That was a major blow to my psyche or a blow to my emotions or my funkiness or whatever it is called.

7.  I learned that 'groovy' was not the cool word that it used to be.  Well, that explains at least the last 4 years.  I have no idea why I was using it before then.

6.  Someone told me that Regis isn't on anymore.  That's news I would love to have gotten before now!!

5.  To my wondermint, I found that people don't come up and say 'Like' when you are speaking!  But how then are you supposed to know that people 'like' what you are saying!!

4.  I learned that people don't POKE you in public.  I guess it is seen as being rude...

3.  I learned that I had a stroke and can't drive anymore.  OK, that one is true.  When they said I had a stroke I thought they were saying I had come out with a great idea.  Ya know, a stroke of genius, not a stroke of the brain.

2.  I have realized that Denny's no longer offers their Bacon Sundae.  Perhaps it is because it's Tuesday?  That's ok if you don't laugh, because I didn't either!*

And the #1 Thing I've Done Since Not Using Facebook As Much As I Used To

I have come up with more time to think up my next Facebook status update!!!!

*Actually, I DID laugh at #2.  Well, not going number two, I meant number two on my list...

I Wonder If It’s A Pyramid Scheme?

Pardon the repost, but I had nothing better to say today. Seriously, rhyming say and today was as good as it got. So, I offer you this...

Hot on the heels of me offering to write posts for money (which was a joke, really. Honestly. Come on you can believe me) comes today’s pointless holiday that I am choosing to celebrate. Today is called Laugh and Get Rich Day. Now of course I can’t find anything about it on the Wondernet, so I am left to ASSume what we are supposed to do in honor of today.

As you might expect, I laugh…a lot. As you also might expect, I GET laughed AT a lot, too. The only problem is that all of my laughing has most certainly NOT made me rich and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t helped my coworkers (the biggest offenders of the laughing at me category) either. If they had gotten money for laughing at me, most if not all of them would no longer need to work and would be what people refer to as ‘financially independent.’ (When you read that last phrase, feel free to use air quotes. I did).

Maybe I haven’t made money laughing yet because I haven’t bought into the pyramid aspect of it. You’re familiar with the pyramid, right? No, not the one with all the clues on it and the snappy music and Dick Clark in really outdated blazers (though who doesn’t love that pyramid). I’m speaking of the symbolic pyramid where you get to watch me laugh for money and then start laughing yourself. Of course your initial laughing is not for pay because I get your money at first. But if you can get 3-5 people signed up to laugh at me, then you get a small percentage of my take and on and on. Eventually, I will be like the Darth Vader of laughing for money and you will all be my laughing storm troopers. Or maybe I would be the Emperor of laughing and you would be my Darth Vader and so on and so on. Hang with me; I know there’s a decent Star Wars analogy there. OK, how about this? I’d be the laughing Yoda and you’d all be my laughing Jedi. Yeah, that’s a pretty good one.

One thing is for sure though; if we work the pyramid correctly, I will one day be able to stand on the top of my pyramid (proverbially speaking, of course) and shout ‘I started a joke.’ I have always wanted to be able to yell that, because let’s face it, how often do we really get to reference Bee Gees song titles in our everyday comings and goings (it also gave me a semi-decent excuse to FINALLY use that cool drawing of the Bee Gees that I've kept on my hard drive for over 2 years now). And yes, I do realize that the rest of that lyric states ‘I started a joke that got the whole world crying, but I couldn’t see that the joke was on me.’ I am choosing to ignore that part though, because I am going to start a joke that gets 3-5 people to pay me, followed by another 3-5 people and then the 3-5 they’ll sign up after that. And I know what you are going to say to me when all the laughing money starts rolling in: ‘Michael, you are so rich now that you should be dancing.’ OH MY GOD, did you see that? I was just able to reference TWO Bee Gees songs in one post.

Am I going loopy? I mean I did have quite a fever last night. I guess you could call it a ‘night fever?’ Oh wow, that’s 3 titles now. Ok, I am going to stop before I lose all of my readership over the excessive use of Bee Gee song references. Yes, you could say it’s my way of Stayin’ Alive in blogsville. All right, I’m done now. I swear!

Well, I am off to try and make everyone I know laugh in the hopes of getting my pyramid ‘triangular thing that the Egyptians built with the help of aliens’ started. OK, I'll stop my 'jive talkin.'  HA, THAT’S SIX, BABY!!!!!!

Rabid Girl Scout Fears Mount

Since we are in the Girl Scout Cookie selling season (that IS a season, right??) I though I would bring back this Girl Scout Cookie post from way back when.  I do not think I used English properly there...

Approximately 1,000 Girl Scouts may have been infected with rabies after a visit to a recent camp. The fears began when girl scouts started telling their parents stories about bats living under the eaves of the camp shelter they were staying in. Many of the girls were not using the protective netting around their beds. They have been disciplined and promised not to be so reckless again.

Some of the bats that Virginia officials have captured tested negative for rabies, but the concern lingers. Rabies shots have been strongly recommended for the girls who stayed at Camp Potomac Woods. The camp now plans on adding screens to the doors, windows and sleeping quarters’ eaves to combat the problem. Why they were not added before it became a problem is still a mystery. “It seemed so odd that our windows did not have screens,” said girl scout Susie Q. “I figured it was just cheap air conditioning,” she added.

“At first the bats sleeping in our rooms scared the striped fudge cookies out of us, but then we grew to love them and kind of like adopted them as like our pets,” another Girl Scout said.

With approximately 6 months until the Girl Scout Cookie selling season begins, federal disease officials are concerned. There are growing fears at the Center For Disease Control that having up to 1,000 rabid Girl Scouts going door to door trying to sell cookies could lead to a national rabies outbreak that could not be easily contained. 

“Most citizens would succumb to the threat of a rabid Girl Scout selling cookies and buy them but there could be those stubborn holdouts who refuse,” said an anonymous CDC official. “In a rabid state, these Girl Scouts could then become irritated and violent which would help the rabies spread very quickly. So for the love of God, please buy Girl Scout cookies whether you can afford to or not!”

Girl Scout leaders have rejected the violent cookie selling theory and say they are not worried about packs of rabid Girl Scouts roaming the streets. In fact they are cashing in on the public’s fear and are working feverishly to release new flavors for the upcoming selling season. They hope that Bat Bars and Rabid Rocky Road will be hot sellers.