ARRRRRR, Or Whatever Matey

I am fully aware that I owe you a Randomocity day or at the very least, a new post. Spoiler Alert: That won't be happening today, but today's annual holiday HAD to be observed and fortunately I can steal from a past holiday post. So, hoist your mainsails and giddy up. Wait a minute, that's not right. I'll try it again. Yo yo yo, lemme show ya how to roll. There's no way that's correct. Set your reactions on stun, because today is...Ok, that's not even close and now I'll be branded a nerd.

I'll give it one last chance. Ya better be gettin' yer eye patch on because today be Talk Like A Pirate Day.....arrrrrrrr. So hoist your colors you bloomin' cockroaches. Don't forget to show 'em your "larboard" side. Use your best ole salty pirate phrases me hearties or ye be walkin' the plank. There, I think that did it. And to think they all laughed when I told them we'd learn something one day from all those rides on Pirates of the Caribbean! Yep, that is what I learned. Nonsensical dialogue that I get to use every September 19th. Uhhhhh, Matey. I forgot to talk like a pirate there.

In Remembrance...

Since I started blogging, I repost this on September 11th.  I hope you don't mind...


At the very end of July 2001, my family and I (pre-twins of course) all flew up to New Hampshire and then to Maine for a family reunion. We had a long wait on the tarmac at the airport in Newark and realized that we might get to fly past New York. In anticipation, we got out my brand new digital camera (you remember the old ones that cost $500 for a 1 megapixel unit). 

As we took off in the little puddle jumper that would take us up the coast, we got an aerial tour of New York City. Although we certainly weren’t expecting it, we got to see many of the landmarks the city is famous for. We were treated to views of the Statue of Liberty, Central Park and even Yankee Stadium (which at the time was the highlight for me). But as we would come to realize just 2 short months later, our real highlight was getting to pass the World Trade Center and its 2 magnificent towers. The picture to the left was taken simply and casually as a tourist would take a picture of something they recognize. It has now become as cherished as any photo from that entire wonderful trip.

I post it in remembrance of September 11, 2001, when this country was forever changed.

The End Of Summer

Well, the summer unofficially ends tonight! Here in So Cal we have lightning, off and on rain and lots of cloud cover! It kinda seems appropriate. Fall will be here before you know it. Well, except in So Cal. That will come at the end of October...hopefully!

To start the transition from Summer, Starbucks will sell their pumpkin lattes tomorrow!! I know it's early...but really, who's complaining! Not this coffee fiend!! And I'll begin my countdown to having eggnog before Halloween. I think I've been doing that since 1999. I haven't missed yet.

Wow, I should have plan this blog post out. It seems I am done writing. But at least you know what Starbuck's is offering tomorrow.   

It's...uh, Wednesday?

I know that most people refer to Wednesday as “hump” day. But being a parent of two almost 9 year old girls, I prefer to call it something different. Because I do NOT want to have to explain what hump is to my girls. Yes, it's a bump or that thing on a camel's back but I'm talking about the OTHER word for hump. You know, the 'bon chick a bo wow' thing. Wait, did that sound like I was calling for a dog to come to me?

Because if you have been reading this blog since Lucy and Ethel were 4, you know that I still refer to men's parts as 'the man area' and woman's parts as the 'woman area' and that's as far as I want to go, at least until they are 18, ok 20, well how about 30...

But sitting around saying Happy Middle Of The Week to people might seem like what an Irish man says. “Happy Middle O'The Week to ya lass,” while tipping his hat. That's fine and dandy, but I'm not Irish. That should be clear if you've ever seen my legs...

So what should I call Wednesday? 'Happy 4^th Day,' or if you start your week on Monday, 'Happy Thrice Day?' But I think the word thrice went out of favor back when there were castles and dames locked inside of them and people used to have big turkey legs to eat.

That's why I am writing this. I will let YOU decide what I should call Wednesday. Come on, I know that you are all clever folks. Besides if I put you to work on it then I can go find me some turkey leg!! Did that sound right??

It's Be A Dork Day!!!

But what if I am one already?  Does that mean I can be more of a dork?  Can I flaunt my dorkiness (that's what she said)?

I am a full scale dork.  In fact this morning I downloaded a painting of the Original Star Trek cast as rock musicians.  I don't what else could be more dorky.  Well, aside from wanting to frame it?

I'll just cut this post short and say you should read my last post about "Embrace Your Geekness Day."  It says it all...  :D

What Did You Call Me?

So, today is “Embrace Your Geekness Day.” I had to stop for a minute because I thought it was “Embrace Another Geek Day,” which is completely different. I consider myself a geek but it's different when someone else calls me that. Of course I have also been called a block head, square, nerdy, dorky...Where am I going with that? Never mind!

I was searching for pictures of 'geekiness,' but I don't think it's word. But what appeared were a bunch of images that I think are cool, not geeky. Star Wars, Star Trek, computer geeks and a plethora of images of people with Stormtrooper helmets on. A lot of pictures of that. I mean a lot. You could almost say a ton of pictures. If I had a Stromtrooper helmet on it would be the pinnacle of fashion sense. I could wear it with shorts, jeans or even my Santa Claus outfit.

I probably am failing greatly at making you think I am anything but geeky. But let me list all of the things that make me cool, instead. I have Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits, I once saw Billy Joel and Elton John live together, I like Sesame Street, I have a writing pipe (it's like a smoking pipe, but words do not circle my head as I have it in my mouth), I am looking forward to the Smurfs movie and I dig documentaries on TV.

Alright, after reading that last paragraph, I still have not convinced you I am not a geek. Well, I guess a am a geek, so I will embrace it with two arms. Because if being geeky is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

Celery: It's The Stalk Of The Devil

I spend quite a lot of time talking about the foods I enjoy. Bacon, cheese, lobster, BBQ, ice cream and saltine crackers (ok, bet you didn't know about that last one. You know, I enjoy little wafers of salt soaked cardboard from time to time). However, I want to talk about the foods (or just one – I haven't thought that far ahead in my writing yet) that I hate. OK, 'hate' is to tame a word. If I am within the same kitchen as it, I deform and start singing show tunes.

What is this food concocted by Satan himself? It is celery. I know that lots of people (by lots I mean the 3 that read this) are recoiling in their chairs right now because they probably enjoy it (I mean celery, not recoiling in their chairs). But seriously, I think dog food must taste better. Actually, I know this as fact. Because I once tried a piece of doggy beef jerky once. It looked so good. That was before I bit into it. Still, that was still better than the stalk of the devil.

The smell sets off an alarm in my head and of course I begin singing the show tunes. If there is a piece on my plate I start getting into the fetal position and of course I begin singing the show tunes. And if there is one mixed into the food I WAS going to eat, I develop a type of turrets and you know about the show tune part.

Why do so many people cook with it. It's in soups, stuffing, sandwiches, potato salad and the list goes on. Does the smell not affect other people? Is it my cryptonite (well, it is green...)? Just cutting through a piece is like food carpentry. The texture is like having a piece of wood soaked with (uh...I really must start thinking through my posts before I begin writing). Let's just say the texture bothers me...a lot.

Well this is the only time I will ever write the word 'celery' out again. I feel dirty. And seriously, how do people put peanut butter on it and call it a snack?? Peanut butter is one of the toppings on the Mount Rushmore of Toppings. And people defile it by putting it on the symbol of what is evil and wrong with this world.

I do however like rhubarb, which is structurally like celery. I haven't figured out why that is. I have actually seen a shrink to determine why, but when I get on his couch I fall asleep and he's so kind that he doesn't wake me up (at least I think that's why he doesn't wake me up...)

So in closing, please do not serve celery while I'm around!! Well, unless you like show tunes...

The World Is Ending. It Better, Because I Hate To Think I Wrote This Post For Nothing...

I expected to write this post on December 21, 2012. Right in the middle of the holidays and all of the World-is-ending sales. So, scrap those notes. The world is now ending this Saturday. That's 2 days away. Man, have I got a lot to complete in those 2 days!

I've got to assemble my end of the world checklist. You know, all of the things I will want to have in case the Rapture comes and I'm stuck in the bathroom or waiting for service at Denny's. I will want to have my Barry Manilow and Carpenter's CDs, and my Bacon t-shirt. I thought of bringing a compass, but I'm not sure how to use it (that's a joke). I thought of bringing a map, but I have no idea how to use that (that's not a joke). Plus, I have NO idea how to fold one up so I'd use it once and then try like the dickens to get it shoved back into my backpack! Of course, I could use my unfolded map as a tent. Hmmmm...

I would probably bring a kite. Because I'd want some fun while sitting on the street with no one to talk to. I wouldn't need money (phew!! Because I don't have any). And I wouldn't need a cellphone. So I guess I wouldn't need the charger for it. Unless I needed it for choking a rat that I would turn into dinner (and somehow pretend it's lobster...a little hairy rodent with a tail but it tastes just like imitation lobster meat). And lastly, a package of Key Lime Extra Gum. Have you tried that?? Oh, and breath freshener...

So, that it is my end-of-the-world check list. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. But I was in a hurry! The sky is fallling, the sky IS falling...

I'm Up Too Dang Early

I'm am up too early

Maybe that's cuz I keep repeating “I'm up to early” in my head

Then I thought I would write that down

So, here I am

I wrote it down

But I need more lines

To attempt to pass this off

As a pseudo-poem.

I could blame me being up since the sun was shining

But in fact, the sun isn’t anywhere to be seen

Because it's raining

I can't blame my alarm clock

Because it wasn't set to go off yet

So, I guess I can't blame it on anything

Which is unfortunate

Because I like blaming other people

That was a joke

Not a good joke

But a joke nonetheless

I haven't even come close to rhyming in this writing

Actually, that was a rhyme, kind of

So, I will end this attempt at writing a poem

I will brew some coffee

And be ready for a nap

In about 30 minutes

Because I got up too early!!!

A Return To The Odd News, Oddly...

Well, on the road of posting like I used to, I decided to return to Odd News posts. I don't what is odder (not to be confused with utter or udder), the fact that weird news happens or that people post collections of it? Or maybe it is even odder that I read it and wrote about it(not to be confused with otter. Although that would be cool to read odd news about an otter...but that's too dreamy to happen. But imagine the fodder I could write.) OK, that's enough odd jokes. But did you hear the one about the utter spraying pink milk? The cow had been grazing in a strawberry patch...ok, that's not odd it's just bad!!

And now to New Jersey. Anyone else see Fred Armisen playing Governor Patterson when I asked that? Apparently two 13-year old twins were arrested for shooting their neighbor with BB rifles while he mowed his lawn. First thought – I'm glad my twins are girls and my second thought – I hope the rifles were Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifles with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Because that would be very groovy (I know, I've got to find more relevant adjectives when I write).

Imagine the two boys being hauled in to the local precinct. What would they be asked first? OK, why did they do it? But I was thinking of “you'll shoot your eyes out...” The man was shot in the leg and shoulder, but the BB's did not break the skin. So I wonder if that really is a crime. All the man had were welts not gun shot wounds. There has to be a law somewhere that breaking the skin or not breaking the skin gives different punishments.

I think not breaking the skin and the fact that they are 13 boys only gives one suitable punishment: they have to wear pink bunny suits for a whole week...

So, there ya have it. While it's not very long (I could have droned on and on about this subject 2 years ago), at least it's a start...and, a finish.

Well I haven't written for a while. It is a little hard when a one and half year old is dragging you by the arm to show you things all day. I long ago gave my twins the names Lucy and Ethel for blog land. So I guess kiddo #3 will be LaVerne. She's not the only reason I haven't written. Writing is hard for me to do now. The thoughts don't come as quickly as they did in 2007 and 2008 (and they're nowhere near as funny!) and I have to do a lot of editing. Plus, thing come out in fragments. Fragments may be good to a rapper, but not a copywriter. But, I bought a pipe to have in my mouth while on the computer, so this is my inaugural, uhhhhhh, pipe post?

I really don't have a topic in mind, but either did Seinfeld or Millard Filmore. And you see what happened to them one of them. Lately, I've wondered what my plan is. Wow, I know I layed that on ya all of a sudden, sorry. I think there is more to my master plan than bacon and waking up to Facebook and lamenting that I need more coffee. Perhaps there is more for me to look forward to than a Star Trek rerun and the arrival of the mail. I certainly think there is more than taking a nap and watching Dick Van Dyke on Netflix.

Wow, that was sad to read that last paragraph out loud. What am I? An 80 year old man that likes to hear William Shatner sing? Well yes, but that's not the point. While I didn't discover my plan today, I will. And maybe I'll share it with you on here. Let's just hope my master plan doesn't contain sea bass with lasers on their heads...

Doctor's Orders...

My doctor told me to write 2 sentences by tomorrow so I can resume my daily blogging and then write a book. He thinks it will be good for me. So being the good patient (with no patience) I came up with:

"Since Dr. XXXXX (really that's his name!) asked to me to write two sentences, I will.

But it won't be a thesis,

It certainly will not be genius

It's wont even be like Dr. Seuss

It will be more like it was written by Butthead and Beavis

It will be....abstruse

The Last Year (I actually think I may have learned something…nah!)

Well, I had my stroke just over a year ago and wanted to list a few things that I learned from it.  I am way off of my New Year’s resolution of writing a lot more often.  In fact this is the first time I’ve written in 2011.  I was going to tell you about the character I had thought of my novel…it’s the Piobster.  A half pig-half lobster boy, but I’ll save that for another time…or never. You can decide that.  I thought of telling you about my Dick Van Dyke obsession…which I may actually talk about some day.  But I’m listing or wandering or…stalling (that’s the word I was looking for).  Since the stroke, I often forget what word I am looking for.  Except for “bacon,” that one seems to come to mind quite easily!

So in the last year as I was trying to 1. accept the fact I had a stroke and 2. rehab from it, here are the things I learned…

1. After having to wait 3 days to eat…hospital food actually tastes pretty nice.
2. I may have lost my sense of right or wrong while in the hospital because I said hospital food is pretty nice!
3. I couldn’t speak for the first week after the stroke so I could only grunt.  The grunt of “I need to go to the bathroom” and “I want a drink” was identical – I blame myself for that one.
4. I could not move the right side of my face.  When looking in a mirror it was reversed, so that took some getting used to!
5. When I moved to the rehab center for a week I got my favorite burritos from San Bernardino – except I couldn’t eat them without making a mess.
6. When I came home, my right arm would be sitting in my food and I had no idea it was happening.
7. When I made coffee, I would spill at least one cup every few days and coffee ain’t cheap!  Plus I would tilt my cup to dangerous level…until someone reminded me that I was going to be watering the carpet!
8. To show how die-hard of a fan of coffee I was I had to drink it from a straw – but for some reason I didn’t take pictures of that.
9. For a while, I had a cane.  That was pretty sweet!
10. Then in March we went to see my brother and his family.  One day I asked to drive one of his ATV’s – that went badly.  My right hand was stuck on the throttle and despite my brother’s insistence that I take the hand off (in expletive laden form) I didn’t.  I could have, but I was a deer in headlights and just froze.  So, I hit a tree on his property going about 20mph.  When I hit it, I popped up and then blacked out momentarily.  Blood was pouring from my head and I had some pretty nice bruises.  But all ended well because my brother got a new ATV out of it.
11. To use the computer for the first month, I had to place the mouse on the left side of the desk and use it with the left hand.  Man, you left-handers have it tough!  Well actually that’s probably the only way you know how to a mouse and you’ve discovered it works just fine.
12. I still have a problem with my girls’ names….that’s not that funny.  Although the one and a half year old is going think that her name is: her two sisters names, plus “that’s not right…”

So, there are a few things I have learned.  I hope you found it helpful.  You probably didn’t but that’s my entry to today!

*as a stroke survivor I find the photo up there to be funny.  Plus it has a Sesame Street character!!

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...


*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?


10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.


9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.


8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.


7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.


6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.


5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.


4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.


3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.


2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.


1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

My Lackadaisical Christmas Post

Well, it’s December 21^st and I’m sitting here by the fire watching it rain outside and drinking my Diet Caffeine-free Coke (because that’s how I roll I live way on the other side of the wild side) and I figured this was as good a time as any to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Wow, that was a long sentence. They don't construct them like that anymore. That's probably a good thing. At any rate, I was going to share with you what makes Christmas special to me. The easy way to say it is that everything about the Christmas season is special (except for the song by Wham!). The décor, looking at Christmas lights, the friends (most of them...) and family you get to see, the food, the music (oh the music) and that expectation you get on Christmas Eve. You know the expectation I'm talking about. Wondering how early you will have to get up the next morning – that was a joke...

I should stop right here and be honest with you...my birthday is on Christmas Eve. That wasn't a ploy to get presents (though if you wanted to, just send me an email...another joke.) So I guess I was wired to like the season. Christmas starts for me on Christmas Eve or the day after Halloween, take your pick. It's all just rolled into one holiday; which is fine with me.


I wanted to type more but I could spend 30 days non-stop writing about Christmas. So, let me wish all of you a very, very Merry Christmas!! I plan to be a more frequent blogger in 2011, so let that serve as a warning to you!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

Today I bring you another Christmas Classic.  OK, that's a lie.  It's just easy to repost things while I am laying here in an eggnog stupor!

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’

Get Your Red Hot Reindeer Dogs!

This one is from 2006.  I read it and got hungry...


I saw this little Associated Press story and couldn’t pass it up. Maybe it’s because I just spent three hours driving Lucy and Ethel around to look at Christmas lights. From Starbucks to Jack in the Box, food eateries try to add a little holiday spice to their menu this time of year. At one Chicago area hot dog stand, the holiday offering may be just a bit too much. The AP says that the stand is offering Reindeer Hot Dogs. They are produced in Alaska (you betcha)  and are supplemented by a little beef and pork because reindeer is apparently lean and dries out easily. That's what she said.  Ok, that one really didn't even make sense.  Sorry.  I'll be more judicious in my TWSS execution next time.

I know that deer meat is called venison, but I’m not sure what reindeer meat is called. I would suggest Prancer Pork, Donder Dogs or maybe even Blitzen Beef, but I’ll just play it safe and refer to them as Reindeer Dogs. The story didn’t mention how well the new item is selling, but my guess is not very well.

Mommy: Jimmy, would you like a hot dog or reindeer dog?
Jimmy: Wow, what’s a reindeer dog? Is it like a Happy Meal or something with a Christmas toy inside?
Mommy: Um, no sweetie. It’s ground up reindeer in a pink casing instead of beef or chicken.
Jimmy: You mean they took Rudolph and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obviously the new hot dog isn’t going to be big with the 8 and under crowd. No doubt that there will be plenty of curious folks who will want to try genuine reindeer meat. Once you add the mustard, relish and onions you probably can’t taste the difference anyway. Go ahead and say it, it tastes like chicken.  The downside to serving up a holiday icon in a bun is that it might not sell, though I really like the phrase 'holiday icon in a bun.'  And then there's 'holiday icon with a bun,' which would be Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show, but now I've strayed way too far off topic. The upside of course is that this guy’s hot dog stand just got a ton of free publicity that will turn into increased sales. Reindeer with your meat so light, you’ll be on my bun tonight. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.

I think the vendor has really tapped into a new line of holiday food items though. I can just see someone offering up a Frosty the Snow Man snow cone. The tagline: it contains a special blend of the essence of Frosty with just a dash of magic from his hat. Actually, as long as it isn't 'lemon' flavored, I just might try it. Now if I could only figure out what nog is.  Actually, don't tell me.  I don't want to know...

The Annual Christmas Letter

Every year I repost this.  People enjoy it, but much more importantly, I don't have to come up with anything new for today!!

We all hate them, we all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annualbragging Christmas letter that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from "the wife’s" point of view:
Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2006 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. You can imagine husband’s surprise when I returned from Kenya last month with our newly adopted son. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

The Exploitation Of Rudolph, It’s Animagical!

I repost this every year, but I thought I would post it when it's actually on TV...that would be tonight.


It’s that time of year when those famous Rankin-Bass cartoons and stop-motion puppet (Animagic) specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (which is on tonight) and Frosty can be seen on TV as frequently as wreaths on long-haul truckers’ rigs. I think the only person that comes close to having produced more Christmas fare than Rankin-Bass was Johnny Mathis, who I’m pretty sure just released his 100th Christmas CD, or something close to it. The ABC Family Channel usually airs most of the Rankin-Bass productions all December long and my girls watched a few of them last night. Among them was ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’ and ‘The Christmas without a Santa Claus.’ It got me thinking that at a certain point, the Animagic Christmas treatment may have been stretched a little too thin.


Obviously, ‘Rudolph’ is as much a part of the holidays as Bing Crosby. It has to be good television for it to have been broadcast over network TV for the last 42 years. Although I seriously doubt that there has been an American child named Rudolph since the first airing of the special in 1964. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that classic. It’s the other Rudolph shows that prove maybe there can be too much of a good thing. Apparently, Rudolph has to find Baby New Year after he runs away in ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.’ It seems the little baby ran away because he was embarrassed by his big ears. Of course, Rudolph could sympathize (as could I, unfortunately) because he has that nose and all, but really, is that worth an hour children’s program?


Then there’s the very confusing ‘Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July,’ which just leaves me speechless. I’m still not sure what it was about but it featured Frosty for the first time as a stop-motion puppet. Should this be aired in the summer or in December? Combining the two seems to make as much sense as having Hank Williams, Jr. do a slow and reverent version of ‘Away in a Manger.’ Although if Hank did cover a version of it, please let me know so I can add it to my collection. At least Rudy was left alone for a while until ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys’ came along. That was done digitally though so I won’t consider it for the sake of this post.


There were however, several holidays that Rankin-Bass apparently chose to have Rudolph not celebrate. Maybe they figured having a reindeer and snowman enjoy the 4th of July together was the bottom of the barrel. Think of all we missed if they had decided to continue milking Rudolph. There could have been ‘Rudolph’s Thanksgiving’ where he has to coax Tom the Turkey back to the turkey farm so he can be euthanized and ‘processed’ for Thanksgiving dinner. What about ‘Rudolph’s Haunted Halloween’ where he befriends a ghost who is afraid of dark haunted houses but has to haunt someone before he gets his official ghost status? Yep, they cook up a scheme with Yukon Cornelius to pretend to be scared by the timid ghost. It sounds a lot like Casper, but Casper is friendly and this ghost is timid. Trust me, if just for litigation purposes only, there is a difference in the two.


Rudolph would shine (if you’ll pardon the phrasing) in ‘Rudolph and the Leprechaun.’ In that one Rudolph searches for the pot of gold that Louis the Leprechaun lost in a cock-fighting bet. ‘Rudolph’s Meaty Memorial Day’ would follow the reindeer as he rounds up enough meat for Santa’s big ‘Start of Summer BBQ.’ Unfortunately, Santa feels like grilling venison this year. The hour long finale to the Rudolph dynasty would be ‘Rudolph’s Long Lazy Labor Day,’ where he sleeps all weekend before escorting the kiddy elves to their first day of school. Oh the mayhem that could ensue in that one. Wow!


As you can see, while he may have been exploited after the success of his original holiday special, it could have continued and been much worse. The lackluster Rudolph sequels seem to have done little to tarnish the little misfit’s street credibility though. They are making Rudolph themed everything these days. I actually saw a Rudolph version of Monopoly the other day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go open another roll of Rudolph toilet paper for the twins.

**The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile’s useless observation for the day: Have you noticed in the original ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ that all of the hands on the puppets are dirty? Especially Santa’s. I don’t know why this is, but you can only watch something so many times until you start looking at things other than the plot…

It's That Time Of The Year (Officially)

I say “officially” because I have been celebrating all month. But I see others celebrating it, so I guess it's official. What time of the year am I speaking of? Why, it's “Throw Out The Leftovers Day.” I've got a whole side of turkey that would disagree. I'm just kidding, well it is Throw Out The Leftovers Day, but I'm really speaking of that Jolly Christmastime, also known as “That time of year when I can wear a Santa Suit and prance around (do people still prance anymore) singing Elvis Christmas carols.”

I love this time of year. I am writing this as I sit next to a raging fire (I should really turn around because my right side is getting tan...bada bing). I'm drinking egg nog and listening to Christmas songs. In about 30 minutes I'll be drinking fire and sitting next to the egg nog (that's a joke...not a funny one...well it made ME laugh, but then so does someone running into a bush).

You might be asking yourself why I wrote this. It's a good question. I'm certainly not getting paid to write this, if that wasn't clear enough. I'm writing this to ask your apologies. Well, not for what I did do, but for what I may do (with the exception of me trying on that leisure suit in the 7^th grade). This blog will probably have a lot of yuletide references during the next month...so I apologize now.

With the exception of Christmas Eve, because that's my birthday. There was really no reason to say that, I just wanted to let you know. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.