The World Is Ending. It Better, Because I Hate To Think I Wrote This Post For Nothing...

I expected to write this post on December 21, 2012. Right in the middle of the holidays and all of the World-is-ending sales. So, scrap those notes. The world is now ending this Saturday. That's 2 days away. Man, have I got a lot to complete in those 2 days!

I've got to assemble my end of the world checklist. You know, all of the things I will want to have in case the Rapture comes and I'm stuck in the bathroom or waiting for service at Denny's. I will want to have my Barry Manilow and Carpenter's CDs, and my Bacon t-shirt. I thought of bringing a compass, but I'm not sure how to use it (that's a joke). I thought of bringing a map, but I have no idea how to use that (that's not a joke). Plus, I have NO idea how to fold one up so I'd use it once and then try like the dickens to get it shoved back into my backpack! Of course, I could use my unfolded map as a tent. Hmmmm...

I would probably bring a kite. Because I'd want some fun while sitting on the street with no one to talk to. I wouldn't need money (phew!! Because I don't have any). And I wouldn't need a cellphone. So I guess I wouldn't need the charger for it. Unless I needed it for choking a rat that I would turn into dinner (and somehow pretend it's lobster...a little hairy rodent with a tail but it tastes just like imitation lobster meat). And lastly, a package of Key Lime Extra Gum. Have you tried that?? Oh, and breath freshener...

So, that it is my end-of-the-world check list. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. But I was in a hurry! The sky is fallling, the sky IS falling...

I'm Up Too Dang Early

I'm am up too early

Maybe that's cuz I keep repeating “I'm up to early” in my head

Then I thought I would write that down

So, here I am

I wrote it down

But I need more lines

To attempt to pass this off

As a pseudo-poem.

I could blame me being up since the sun was shining

But in fact, the sun isn’t anywhere to be seen

Because it's raining

I can't blame my alarm clock

Because it wasn't set to go off yet

So, I guess I can't blame it on anything

Which is unfortunate

Because I like blaming other people

That was a joke

Not a good joke

But a joke nonetheless

I haven't even come close to rhyming in this writing

Actually, that was a rhyme, kind of

So, I will end this attempt at writing a poem

I will brew some coffee

And be ready for a nap

In about 30 minutes

Because I got up too early!!!

A Return To The Odd News, Oddly...

Well, on the road of posting like I used to, I decided to return to Odd News posts. I don't what is odder (not to be confused with utter or udder), the fact that weird news happens or that people post collections of it? Or maybe it is even odder that I read it and wrote about it(not to be confused with otter. Although that would be cool to read odd news about an otter...but that's too dreamy to happen. But imagine the fodder I could write.) OK, that's enough odd jokes. But did you hear the one about the utter spraying pink milk? The cow had been grazing in a strawberry patch...ok, that's not odd it's just bad!!

And now to New Jersey. Anyone else see Fred Armisen playing Governor Patterson when I asked that? Apparently two 13-year old twins were arrested for shooting their neighbor with BB rifles while he mowed his lawn. First thought – I'm glad my twins are girls and my second thought – I hope the rifles were Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifles with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Because that would be very groovy (I know, I've got to find more relevant adjectives when I write).

Imagine the two boys being hauled in to the local precinct. What would they be asked first? OK, why did they do it? But I was thinking of “you'll shoot your eyes out...” The man was shot in the leg and shoulder, but the BB's did not break the skin. So I wonder if that really is a crime. All the man had were welts not gun shot wounds. There has to be a law somewhere that breaking the skin or not breaking the skin gives different punishments.

I think not breaking the skin and the fact that they are 13 boys only gives one suitable punishment: they have to wear pink bunny suits for a whole week...

So, there ya have it. While it's not very long (I could have droned on and on about this subject 2 years ago), at least it's a start...and, a finish.

Well I haven't written for a while. It is a little hard when a one and half year old is dragging you by the arm to show you things all day. I long ago gave my twins the names Lucy and Ethel for blog land. So I guess kiddo #3 will be LaVerne. She's not the only reason I haven't written. Writing is hard for me to do now. The thoughts don't come as quickly as they did in 2007 and 2008 (and they're nowhere near as funny!) and I have to do a lot of editing. Plus, thing come out in fragments. Fragments may be good to a rapper, but not a copywriter. But, I bought a pipe to have in my mouth while on the computer, so this is my inaugural, uhhhhhh, pipe post?

I really don't have a topic in mind, but either did Seinfeld or Millard Filmore. And you see what happened to them one of them. Lately, I've wondered what my plan is. Wow, I know I layed that on ya all of a sudden, sorry. I think there is more to my master plan than bacon and waking up to Facebook and lamenting that I need more coffee. Perhaps there is more for me to look forward to than a Star Trek rerun and the arrival of the mail. I certainly think there is more than taking a nap and watching Dick Van Dyke on Netflix.

Wow, that was sad to read that last paragraph out loud. What am I? An 80 year old man that likes to hear William Shatner sing? Well yes, but that's not the point. While I didn't discover my plan today, I will. And maybe I'll share it with you on here. Let's just hope my master plan doesn't contain sea bass with lasers on their heads...

Doctor's Orders...

My doctor told me to write 2 sentences by tomorrow so I can resume my daily blogging and then write a book. He thinks it will be good for me. So being the good patient (with no patience) I came up with:

"Since Dr. XXXXX (really that's his name!) asked to me to write two sentences, I will.

But it won't be a thesis,

It certainly will not be genius

It's wont even be like Dr. Seuss

It will be more like it was written by Butthead and Beavis

It will be....abstruse

The Last Year (I actually think I may have learned something…nah!)

Well, I had my stroke just over a year ago and wanted to list a few things that I learned from it.  I am way off of my New Year’s resolution of writing a lot more often.  In fact this is the first time I’ve written in 2011.  I was going to tell you about the character I had thought of my novel…it’s the Piobster.  A half pig-half lobster boy, but I’ll save that for another time…or never. You can decide that.  I thought of telling you about my Dick Van Dyke obsession…which I may actually talk about some day.  But I’m listing or wandering or…stalling (that’s the word I was looking for).  Since the stroke, I often forget what word I am looking for.  Except for “bacon,” that one seems to come to mind quite easily!

So in the last year as I was trying to 1. accept the fact I had a stroke and 2. rehab from it, here are the things I learned…

1. After having to wait 3 days to eat…hospital food actually tastes pretty nice.
2. I may have lost my sense of right or wrong while in the hospital because I said hospital food is pretty nice!
3. I couldn’t speak for the first week after the stroke so I could only grunt.  The grunt of “I need to go to the bathroom” and “I want a drink” was identical – I blame myself for that one.
4. I could not move the right side of my face.  When looking in a mirror it was reversed, so that took some getting used to!
5. When I moved to the rehab center for a week I got my favorite burritos from San Bernardino – except I couldn’t eat them without making a mess.
6. When I came home, my right arm would be sitting in my food and I had no idea it was happening.
7. When I made coffee, I would spill at least one cup every few days and coffee ain’t cheap!  Plus I would tilt my cup to dangerous level…until someone reminded me that I was going to be watering the carpet!
8. To show how die-hard of a fan of coffee I was I had to drink it from a straw – but for some reason I didn’t take pictures of that.
9. For a while, I had a cane.  That was pretty sweet!
10. Then in March we went to see my brother and his family.  One day I asked to drive one of his ATV’s – that went badly.  My right hand was stuck on the throttle and despite my brother’s insistence that I take the hand off (in expletive laden form) I didn’t.  I could have, but I was a deer in headlights and just froze.  So, I hit a tree on his property going about 20mph.  When I hit it, I popped up and then blacked out momentarily.  Blood was pouring from my head and I had some pretty nice bruises.  But all ended well because my brother got a new ATV out of it.
11. To use the computer for the first month, I had to place the mouse on the left side of the desk and use it with the left hand.  Man, you left-handers have it tough!  Well actually that’s probably the only way you know how to a mouse and you’ve discovered it works just fine.
12. I still have a problem with my girls’ names….that’s not that funny.  Although the one and a half year old is going think that her name is: her two sisters names, plus “that’s not right…”

So, there are a few things I have learned.  I hope you found it helpful.  You probably didn’t but that’s my entry to today!

*as a stroke survivor I find the photo up there to be funny.  Plus it has a Sesame Street character!!

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...


*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?


10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.


9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.


8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.


7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.


6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.


5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.


4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.


3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.


2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.


1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

My Lackadaisical Christmas Post

Well, it’s December 21^st and I’m sitting here by the fire watching it rain outside and drinking my Diet Caffeine-free Coke (because that’s how I roll I live way on the other side of the wild side) and I figured this was as good a time as any to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Wow, that was a long sentence. They don't construct them like that anymore. That's probably a good thing. At any rate, I was going to share with you what makes Christmas special to me. The easy way to say it is that everything about the Christmas season is special (except for the song by Wham!). The décor, looking at Christmas lights, the friends (most of them...) and family you get to see, the food, the music (oh the music) and that expectation you get on Christmas Eve. You know the expectation I'm talking about. Wondering how early you will have to get up the next morning – that was a joke...

I should stop right here and be honest with you...my birthday is on Christmas Eve. That wasn't a ploy to get presents (though if you wanted to, just send me an email...another joke.) So I guess I was wired to like the season. Christmas starts for me on Christmas Eve or the day after Halloween, take your pick. It's all just rolled into one holiday; which is fine with me.


I wanted to type more but I could spend 30 days non-stop writing about Christmas. So, let me wish all of you a very, very Merry Christmas!! I plan to be a more frequent blogger in 2011, so let that serve as a warning to you!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

Today I bring you another Christmas Classic.  OK, that's a lie.  It's just easy to repost things while I am laying here in an eggnog stupor!

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’

Get Your Red Hot Reindeer Dogs!

This one is from 2006.  I read it and got hungry...


I saw this little Associated Press story and couldn’t pass it up. Maybe it’s because I just spent three hours driving Lucy and Ethel around to look at Christmas lights. From Starbucks to Jack in the Box, food eateries try to add a little holiday spice to their menu this time of year. At one Chicago area hot dog stand, the holiday offering may be just a bit too much. The AP says that the stand is offering Reindeer Hot Dogs. They are produced in Alaska (you betcha)  and are supplemented by a little beef and pork because reindeer is apparently lean and dries out easily. That's what she said.  Ok, that one really didn't even make sense.  Sorry.  I'll be more judicious in my TWSS execution next time.

I know that deer meat is called venison, but I’m not sure what reindeer meat is called. I would suggest Prancer Pork, Donder Dogs or maybe even Blitzen Beef, but I’ll just play it safe and refer to them as Reindeer Dogs. The story didn’t mention how well the new item is selling, but my guess is not very well.

Mommy: Jimmy, would you like a hot dog or reindeer dog?
Jimmy: Wow, what’s a reindeer dog? Is it like a Happy Meal or something with a Christmas toy inside?
Mommy: Um, no sweetie. It’s ground up reindeer in a pink casing instead of beef or chicken.
Jimmy: You mean they took Rudolph and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obviously the new hot dog isn’t going to be big with the 8 and under crowd. No doubt that there will be plenty of curious folks who will want to try genuine reindeer meat. Once you add the mustard, relish and onions you probably can’t taste the difference anyway. Go ahead and say it, it tastes like chicken.  The downside to serving up a holiday icon in a bun is that it might not sell, though I really like the phrase 'holiday icon in a bun.'  And then there's 'holiday icon with a bun,' which would be Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show, but now I've strayed way too far off topic. The upside of course is that this guy’s hot dog stand just got a ton of free publicity that will turn into increased sales. Reindeer with your meat so light, you’ll be on my bun tonight. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.

I think the vendor has really tapped into a new line of holiday food items though. I can just see someone offering up a Frosty the Snow Man snow cone. The tagline: it contains a special blend of the essence of Frosty with just a dash of magic from his hat. Actually, as long as it isn't 'lemon' flavored, I just might try it. Now if I could only figure out what nog is.  Actually, don't tell me.  I don't want to know...

The Annual Christmas Letter

Every year I repost this.  People enjoy it, but much more importantly, I don't have to come up with anything new for today!!

We all hate them, we all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annualbragging Christmas letter that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from "the wife’s" point of view:
Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2006 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. You can imagine husband’s surprise when I returned from Kenya last month with our newly adopted son. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

The Exploitation Of Rudolph, It’s Animagical!

I repost this every year, but I thought I would post it when it's actually on TV...that would be tonight.


It’s that time of year when those famous Rankin-Bass cartoons and stop-motion puppet (Animagic) specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (which is on tonight) and Frosty can be seen on TV as frequently as wreaths on long-haul truckers’ rigs. I think the only person that comes close to having produced more Christmas fare than Rankin-Bass was Johnny Mathis, who I’m pretty sure just released his 100th Christmas CD, or something close to it. The ABC Family Channel usually airs most of the Rankin-Bass productions all December long and my girls watched a few of them last night. Among them was ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’ and ‘The Christmas without a Santa Claus.’ It got me thinking that at a certain point, the Animagic Christmas treatment may have been stretched a little too thin.


Obviously, ‘Rudolph’ is as much a part of the holidays as Bing Crosby. It has to be good television for it to have been broadcast over network TV for the last 42 years. Although I seriously doubt that there has been an American child named Rudolph since the first airing of the special in 1964. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that classic. It’s the other Rudolph shows that prove maybe there can be too much of a good thing. Apparently, Rudolph has to find Baby New Year after he runs away in ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.’ It seems the little baby ran away because he was embarrassed by his big ears. Of course, Rudolph could sympathize (as could I, unfortunately) because he has that nose and all, but really, is that worth an hour children’s program?


Then there’s the very confusing ‘Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July,’ which just leaves me speechless. I’m still not sure what it was about but it featured Frosty for the first time as a stop-motion puppet. Should this be aired in the summer or in December? Combining the two seems to make as much sense as having Hank Williams, Jr. do a slow and reverent version of ‘Away in a Manger.’ Although if Hank did cover a version of it, please let me know so I can add it to my collection. At least Rudy was left alone for a while until ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys’ came along. That was done digitally though so I won’t consider it for the sake of this post.


There were however, several holidays that Rankin-Bass apparently chose to have Rudolph not celebrate. Maybe they figured having a reindeer and snowman enjoy the 4th of July together was the bottom of the barrel. Think of all we missed if they had decided to continue milking Rudolph. There could have been ‘Rudolph’s Thanksgiving’ where he has to coax Tom the Turkey back to the turkey farm so he can be euthanized and ‘processed’ for Thanksgiving dinner. What about ‘Rudolph’s Haunted Halloween’ where he befriends a ghost who is afraid of dark haunted houses but has to haunt someone before he gets his official ghost status? Yep, they cook up a scheme with Yukon Cornelius to pretend to be scared by the timid ghost. It sounds a lot like Casper, but Casper is friendly and this ghost is timid. Trust me, if just for litigation purposes only, there is a difference in the two.


Rudolph would shine (if you’ll pardon the phrasing) in ‘Rudolph and the Leprechaun.’ In that one Rudolph searches for the pot of gold that Louis the Leprechaun lost in a cock-fighting bet. ‘Rudolph’s Meaty Memorial Day’ would follow the reindeer as he rounds up enough meat for Santa’s big ‘Start of Summer BBQ.’ Unfortunately, Santa feels like grilling venison this year. The hour long finale to the Rudolph dynasty would be ‘Rudolph’s Long Lazy Labor Day,’ where he sleeps all weekend before escorting the kiddy elves to their first day of school. Oh the mayhem that could ensue in that one. Wow!


As you can see, while he may have been exploited after the success of his original holiday special, it could have continued and been much worse. The lackluster Rudolph sequels seem to have done little to tarnish the little misfit’s street credibility though. They are making Rudolph themed everything these days. I actually saw a Rudolph version of Monopoly the other day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go open another roll of Rudolph toilet paper for the twins.

**The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile’s useless observation for the day: Have you noticed in the original ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ that all of the hands on the puppets are dirty? Especially Santa’s. I don’t know why this is, but you can only watch something so many times until you start looking at things other than the plot…

It's That Time Of The Year (Officially)

I say “officially” because I have been celebrating all month. But I see others celebrating it, so I guess it's official. What time of the year am I speaking of? Why, it's “Throw Out The Leftovers Day.” I've got a whole side of turkey that would disagree. I'm just kidding, well it is Throw Out The Leftovers Day, but I'm really speaking of that Jolly Christmastime, also known as “That time of year when I can wear a Santa Suit and prance around (do people still prance anymore) singing Elvis Christmas carols.”

I love this time of year. I am writing this as I sit next to a raging fire (I should really turn around because my right side is getting tan...bada bing). I'm drinking egg nog and listening to Christmas songs. In about 30 minutes I'll be drinking fire and sitting next to the egg nog (that's a joke...not a funny one...well it made ME laugh, but then so does someone running into a bush).

You might be asking yourself why I wrote this. It's a good question. I'm certainly not getting paid to write this, if that wasn't clear enough. I'm writing this to ask your apologies. Well, not for what I did do, but for what I may do (with the exception of me trying on that leisure suit in the 7^th grade). This blog will probably have a lot of yuletide references during the next month...so I apologize now.

With the exception of Christmas Eve, because that's my birthday. There was really no reason to say that, I just wanted to let you know. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.   

Thanksgiving Eve

It's here. It's here. I'm not sure if that's actually what they call today or not, but it SHOULD be called that. I am going to write my local member of congress and suggest that he pushes legislation (or litigation - I'm not that particular) to make it so. After all, I'm sure it will be a welcome respite from all the economy and Brett Favre stuff.

Speaking of nothing in particular (wow, what a great segue)  The president pardoned 2 turkeys at the White House earlier today in the annual event that has taken place since at least Harry Truman. Gerald Ford even pardoned a turkey. It's name was Nixon. Seriously folks, these are the jokes...The pardoned turkeys will get to live out the rest of their lives at the turkey farmpraying to God that their tags marking them as special, untouchable turkeys never come off strutting around knowing that they have been spared, though I bet it will make it hard for them to forge meaningful long lasting relationships. "I swear Tom, every time I get close to another Jenny, she disappears..."

While I can't believe it's already here, I love this day. There's just something about knowing the work week is prematurely over, tomorrow is nothing but food and 45 of my closest relatives (at least 60% of who I can now call by their correct name) and then Christmas decorating. Oh and the annual turkey marathon of leftovers. Then there's the airing of "It's A Wonderful Life." I'm pretty sure that every time "It's A Wonderful Life" airs that an NBC accountant gets his commission.

I read recently about the original Thanksgiving and it has really changed my approach to the holiday. I've got one word for you: LOBSTER. Yes, lobster may have been served along with other shellfish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it's too late this year, next year I am proposing that my family reenacts that first Thanksgiving, complete with lobster for everyone. Although, there was no pumpkin pie at that meal, so maybe I'd better go with a hybrid new and old celebration next year. Then again, do lobster and pumpkin pie really go well together? It's bad enough that everyone gets tired after the big meal. Do we really need them getting sick instead?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May your bellies be full and your fortunes be fuller. Wow, that was lame. Ignore that...

I wonder if there is still time...

This is a repost (a very, very, very tasty repost!!)

While perusing around online this morning, I came across a mention of a new take on turducken, which is odd considering that turducken itself is a new take on something. This creation was called turgooduccochiqua. 

Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.

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Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen. 

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything. 

Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry. 

My Autobiography

I can’t drive, so it actually will not contain an auto…But I am thinking of writing a biography.  Why not!  Politicians write one when they are a Presidential hopefuls.  I figured why not change it up.  Since I haven’t written a book and no one knows who I am, that’ll be how I introduce myself.  And I’ll probably have a recipe for something bacony in it.  I wasn’t typing balcony, I do mean “bacon-y.” Presidential hopefuls don’t have that in their biographies!

Biographies don’t contain “facts,” right?  I figured it would be more readable if it contained “facts – in name only.”  I’d call it a fact, but it probably wouldn’t be “factual” at all.  Or maybe they would be someone else’s facts.  Hey, I like that idea!

I read that Mark Twain has his autobiography coming out in just a few weeks.  I quickly had to run to Wikipedia to see if he was actually dead.  He said that he would release it when he’s been dead for a hundred years.  That solved that little mystery.  Time Magazine (I look at it for the pictures) said it was a pretty neat (pretty neat…that all I could come up with?) autobiography.  He doesn’t follow any set timeline.  He just flows from one story into another.  I’m thinking of doing that in my biography, too.

So, let’s review: my biography won’t have facts, or if they do, they’ll be someone else’s facts and it won’t be in chorological order.  That’s a good starting point.  Oh, I almost forgot: my biography will have a bacon recipe. 

Now I shall begin my autobiography.  It will be leather bound and contain 1000 pages.  I’m not sure if I’ll use 1000 pages, so a bunch of pages may be stick figures.  It will start when I was the ripe age of 13.  Back when I was a doctor, at the age of 13…(bet you can’t wait to read the rest of it).

Stuff...

There’s nothing more intimidating than a blank page.  Well, that and a bunch of ninjas in an alley.  Or how about ninjas in an alley singing Neil Diamond? That would be intimidating…or funny.  See, that helped get over my fear of the blank page.

So now there is writing on my page…and Neil’s Cracklin Rosie in my head.  Really, that’s the song I get stuck with?  No wonder why I’m a bit loopy.   Well that and the barrels of coffee I drink.  We were actually at Target yesterday (great segue, huh) buying coffee and creamer.  We spent $28 dollars on it.  3 different types of coffee and 2 different flavors of creamer.  I should mix them all together and get Pumpkingmochacoconutmacaroon.  I wonder how that would taste…

Since I’m mixing things together, I want to write a few words about the greatest mix ever (well aside from the Lady Gaga/Michael Buble duet CD):  the Turducken!  It’s almost time of the year for it.  I’m thinking of dropping the chicken from it and replacing it with red meat.  It would be called the Turduckcow.  I think that would be turductasty tasty.  And fried, with bacon.  That would the ultimate tasty meal.  Oh, and topped with cheddar cheese! 

I should have stopped writing after the first paragraph.  Because now I’m hungry AND have Neil Diamond stuck in my head.  Maybe I’ll go take a nap and clear my thoughts.  Wait, can’t do that, I have drank way too much caffeine…


**sorry, this was a pointless post**  ;-)

Stream of Consciousness – Derailed

I haven’t written in a while, so today seem like a good time.  I’m still trying to get my writing mojo back.  I hope it returns before my verbal abilities come all the way back.  But to try and get over the funk my writing has taken since the stroke, I’ll just keep on writing…

That’s it, that’s all I wanted to say.  That was a joke – not a funny one, but a joke nonetheless.  So, I will write about nothing and see what river my stream of consciousness heads down.  I may be mixing metaphors but I’ll throw out my anchor and see what comes up.  It’s like the highway of life; you never know when you’ll find a piece of chocolate.  Alright, enough whacking the metaphors like a weed-eater.

Before the stroke, writing was my craft.  It was how I made a living and it was the way I spent my downtime.  To try not to write it would like Obi Wan Kenobi saying “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” times 100.  It’s a force and I can only submit to it.  It probably does not help that I’m reading a biography of Mark Twain.  He WAS a writer!  Perhaps I’ll start reading something about a dad who stays home and makes waffles for breakfast everyday…

But that would be boring, unless you have the audiobook of it and were listening to it while trying to fall asleep.  Although, may I suggest a Racheal Ray cookbook for that?   You probably are thinking rather than writing about writing why don’t I actually write.  Uh, because I have to figure out what that means first.  It seems like my stream of consciousness has hit a sandbar.  Though I figured this was a better way to spend 15 minutes than by playing FarmVille on Facebook.  However, if you play FarmVille, I need gas for my tractor.  And that is not a metaphor…

A Riding Lawnmower...The Only Way To Drive.

Well I am sitting here in Starbucks with my pumpkin latte, which means 

it's writing time. But what the heck should I write about? A look through the weird news gave me an idea. Country music fans of George Jones will appreciate this: a man in Florida was arrested driving a riding mower trying to get away from a robbery. He stole some grass. Get it, it's a riding mower but also a term for marijuana. If I have to explain it, it means it's not funny. Uh, never mind...

George Jones used to drive a riding lawn mower when his wife took his car keys...alcohol may have been involved. He once sang a song about it, how she took his car keys, but she forgot about his ole John Deere. But this has happened in real life.

It gives me an idea. Because of my stroke, I have lost my license. Now I have to convince my wife to buy a riding mower. This might be a difficult proposition, because the last time I drove, I drove my brother's ATV into a tree. Granted that has been a few months but I think the episode is still fresh in the minds of all that witnessed it. Especially my brother who had the buy a new ATV!

Of course my lawns don't require a riding lawn mower, I could use it, but there would a lot of turning around and 3-point turns...which I don't think my doctor wants me to do. And I would have to watch out for sprinklers. I remember the first one a mowed over. I went in the house and told my dad that it looked like an explosion from Star Wars or James Bond. This was about a year ago. I'm kidding, I was 9 or 10. Wait a minute, I didn't get paid for that now that I think about it. Is there a statute of limitations for suing about unpaid child labor? I'm sure after almost 30 years it has expired...darn!

But I digress. This was supposed to be about me getting a lawn mower. I can see it now, with a cup holder, a stereo and one seat...just for me. I could cruise down to the BBQ joint or through the drive-thru at Mickey D's. Or to the car wash. Me and my John Deere.

So, if you come across a riding lawnmower at a stop light, just wave. DO NOT call the cops! And you might want to give me a running start when the light turns green. John Deere's are not known for their acceleration. It's more of a comfort vehicle...

It is National Coffee Day

Well, I mean everyday is an unofficial coffee holiday, but this one is O-F-F-I-C-I-A-L (I think I spelled it right.  It's so hard putting a dash after each letter...that's what she said...)  Most of the people I know enjoy a couple of mugs each day, well except for my family.  But I still love them...

In fact, I’ve got a cup right here next to me.  However, I usually don’t drink that cup.  It just sits here keeping me company as I write.  Then I do take a sip and I remember that it’s cold, so I have to refill my mug.  But, it’s here right next to me.  Oh wait, I just took a sip, so you can ignore this paragraph.  Oh look, I took a sip again!

I wish I could pass along some coffee trivia to you all, as this seems like an appropriate place to do so.  Something like, the coffee plant was originally harvested to make twin births more common or an unripe coffee bean tastes similar to bubble gum.  But, those are false.  Actually, I don’t know what an unripe coffee bean tastes like, but I imagine it’s far worse than bubble gum.  It probably tastes like dirt and I don’t know, a bean perhaps.  Or maybe it tastes like cotton candy, just without the candy.  You know, the way the paper cone tastes, I mean not that I’ve had just the paper from cotton candy.  I’m just sayin…

One way I would like to have coffee is with a French Press.  I’ve had espresso, a counter top coffee maker, a Brew Station, Starbucks  and while camping I’ve made quite a few pots over a campfire, but never from a French Press.  Although I like the name that Wikipedia gives it: A Coffee Plunger.  Wouldn’t want that near the toilet.  I also have not had coffee and a donut.  I’ve had both separately, but never together.  I guess you could say I haven’t dipped my crawler in a cup.  Actually, maybe you shouldn’t say that.  People may look at you funny.

And I do like coffee mugs.  Last year I asked my Facebook friends to send me photos of their mugs to be displayed in MugShots.  I probably should have made a coffee table book of coffee mugs, but that sounds too Seinfeldish.  While I was recuperating from my stroke, I actually got a few coffee mugs as gifts.   Each one is a part of my personality.  That sounds kinda weird.  What I mean is that each one REFLECTS a part of my personality…

We are entering my favorite time to drink coffee: the fall and winter and spring and summer.  It’s my favorite because they have all those holiday creamers and because at places like Starbucks they have special flavors – like Pumpkin Spice!  And of course it’s cool then.  I drink hot coffee when it’s hot but I usually start feeling sweaty while doing so, I know: too much information.  Maybe I should try iced coffee…

So in honor of National Coffee Day I say to you: raise up your mug and join me for a toast.  Although after reading this post, I should probably cut down on my daily caffeine consumption.  But where’s the fun in that?!!!