Repost: Top Ten Things To Remember Elvis

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, this was the day Elvis was said to die.  Although Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 bad ideas I came up with. With no thought put into it, at all.  There. Now are you happy?


10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.


9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.


8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.


7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.


6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.


5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.


4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.


3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.


2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.


1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

Things I Learned As A Result Of The Stroke...

Back in the heyday of me blogging, I used to post Thing I learned This Week each Saturday. They were a list of things that happened to me. I decided I'm going to bring that back...on Friday. And what better way to start The Things I Learned from happened to me as a result of the stroke. Not that I think a stroke is anywhere near funny, but these are funny things that happened to me...

! I learn while in the hospital watching 30 Rock with my mom, not to explain what the show is about, especially when I can't speak. Hearing me say “rowr” and “uhhhhh” over and over again does not constitute me speaking.

! I learned that my right hand is not my ally. When looking at the dinner table and seeing my hand in whatever I am eating, is not good. Especially since I couldn't feel my hand in the hot plate.

! I learned that I couldn't pour coffee. I would spill more than what ended up in my cup. But I tried everyday. You would think having to drink coffee out of a straw would have been enough of a clue!

!  I learned that while holding a cup in my right hand, I would carry it at a 45 degree angle.  The are lots of spill stains on the carpet from this part of life.

! I learned that having a bare spot across the back of where your hair was supposed to be is not a sign of advanced intelligence. How does Jean Luc Picard make it work?

! I learned that having my smile come out of one side of my mouth did not make me look cool or like I had a chip on my shoulder. However, the cane I had did!

! I learned that I could no longer keep a beat when it comes to music. You know what, that was not anything new...

! I learned that people who suffer a brain injury need a lot of sleep. Well, I didn't mind that one too much...

! I learned that when I am taken to LA from Riverside in an ambulance, I should not offer the ambulance drivers a Fat Burger, if they stop so I can get one.

And lastly,

! I learned that when I am at my brothers house in Arizona and I am trying to show my family that I can drive, the best thing NOT to do is ride his ATV going 25 miles an hour into a tree! However, he did get to buy a new ATV!

The Day (After) They Go Back To School

I was going to sit in a cafe up the street with WiFi and write about how the twins started school and how it was exciting for me because they're gone 8 hours a day. Any parent knows what I'm talking about. Yes I am going to miss them, but I'm not complaining that they have to go to school...two identical twins start to get on each others nerves...which gets on my nerves. But I had to change my plans. We had to put my dog, Mabel, down yesterday.

She was 7 and large Golden Retriever. It's the first dog I had, so it made it that much tougher. We have a large backyard, but it seems so lonely with her not back there. But that is what happens when you have a pet...eventually. I hope to get another dog in time. Now though, we're missing Mabel. So, I will try to write how happy I am about the twins being in school.

You all remember the Staples commercial where the guy goes around singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” because his kids were starting school. Well, let me just say I have had the Andy Williams (that's who recorded “Most Wonderful Day of the Year”) Christmas CD playing a lot lately. Well, just one song. Alright I'll admit it, I've been playing the whole thing. You listen to what you listen to, and I'll listen to what knocks my flip flops off, ok? Not to get defensive... ;-)

At any rate, school has begun. I used to go the work singing at the top of my lungs and nothing could get me down. But this year is different. I don't have a job and I can't look for one because I can't work, which is why a cafe seemed like a good idea. So, I will have to do that one day. For now, I am sitting at home (with my Andy Williams blaring).

There is so much I can do while they aren't here. Napping, yard work, reading, watching old Saturday Night clips that would not be appropriate for young, impressionable ears, Sesame Street and napping. Yes, I meant to type “napping” twice. Smoking meat while they are at school, which is not a “that's what she said” item is also on itinerary. BBQing and the smoker are favorite past times of mine, though it is different now without my Mabel keeping me company. I put some Jimmy Buffett on, grab a cold beverage and sit outside and stoke the fire...that's not a “that's what she said” moment, either!

It seems like there is so much to be done when the kids are not tattle telling on each other. That had become a major duty of mine this summer. I don't mind bidding goodbye to that task! So, my wife is purchasing ribs to smoke today and I'll see the girls when the school bell sounds. Besides, you appreciate your children more when you have to be gone from them each day. Right?

Today is...National Lazy Day!!

I don't why it's a national holiday. There is nothing indicating that it is...no Presidential proclamations or anything like that (I guess it would be bad for a President to declare a day for laziness...) But at any rate, it's National Lazy Day.

I think the day is timely. The twins start school tomorrow, so what better thing to do today than be lazy? The girls are playing Wii right now – in their underwear! Now that is lazy. I slept in until 9:30, that's lazy too. The baby is napping, yep, lazy.

I actually thought I would have more say. Laziness has permeated my mind. I was going to tell you what the perfect lazy day would be, complete with a how-to guide. I was even going to photograph my hammock. But I'm just to lazy to do that.

So, I will just sit here surfing the web and drinking my liquid crack (that's coffee) and let the day pass me by. Oh, and it's S'mores Day too. The girls have asked me to make some s'mores. I don't know. There's the chocolate, and graham crackers and the marshmallow...it seems like to much work for Lazy Day.

Two Days Left??!!

While reading that headline, you are probably thinking that “two days left” is some tagline for a sale. “Two days remaining to get all the cheese at 50 percent off of wholesale at The Cheesebarn.” Or, “two days left to get 4 awesomely delicious pies for the price of one pie (it's a little embarrassing to think of how quickly my mind turns to food...)”. But it doesn't pertain to food in this instance, although if we had a place called the Cheesebarn in Corona, I certainly would not be here writing, I'd be getting my grub on! At any rate, two days is exactly the time that the twins have remaining in Summer!! Boo, hiss, and all of the expletives you want to use. Two days?? What the what! Two entire days, it's unfathomable. And the twins will have to go to bed early early tomorrow night, so there is technically less than two full days remaining. There's a song by Billy Joel that comes to mind called “Famous Last Words” that talks about “summertime has come and gone and everybody's home again, closing down for the season...” I'm kind of singing that right now...

What can be done in two days? We had a nice summer, if you count 1.5 months as summer. And we only had one week of hot temperatures, well all right I not complaining about that. We went to SeaWorld, did Raging Waters, completely changed our downstairs, had Lottie's first birthday, ate lobster, had the twins friends' over to spend the night, published a book and had BBQ's. But what about the stuff we didn't accomplish...

That is what bothers me. All the stuff on my list I didn't get to check off. Things like, teaching the girls to ride bikes and swim (I know they are almost 8, so I guess the fault lays with me for not having those 2 done), making homemade ice cream, pitching our tent in the backyard, going to the beach, seeing the Beach Boys in concert, seeing the bugs light up the sky (well other than moths), going to an Angel's game and countless more that I cannot remember.

And there's all the things I wanted to do with the girls by my side, things the twins had no idea about. Roasting an entire pig in the ground and inviting everyone over for a tiki party, actually getting grass to grow in our backyard, teaching the family how to make cheese, having all the awesomeness that is the fried food at the fair, finally buying a deep fryer (I know I've been asking for one since I started this blog in 2006 – please get the hint this time), going to Hawaii, building a writing studio for me in the backyard and a trip to NY. Getting the twins a Hollywood agent, brewing homemade root beer, starting a Hawaiian shirt company, getting a book deal and HAVING THE DOCTORS SAY THAT I CAN DRIVE AGAIN (yes, I am screaming that one). I'm sure I am forgetting a few and I know there's a few that this blog's 4 readers will point out to me, but needless to say, the summer ends while I have unfinished business.

So, I guess we shall have to wait for the following summer to achieve all the the things that I the twins, wanted to do. There is one upside to sending the girls back to school – there will be 8 hours a day where they won't be here. I'm kidding, kind of. Seriously, I am kidding. Well mostly kidding. Well let's just say that I will miss them. Partially...ok, that was joke...

Old Photos

Since I really don't have my sense of humor back (dang, stroke) but I wanted to write, this is what I have to offer. It's weird that I used to write like it was taking bacon from a piglet, but now I want to write and nothing comes to mind. It feels like a prison, but I assume that the more I write it will come back to me...I hope.

I was looking through some old Library of Congress photos that a friend linked to on Facebook and there was one that stood out...the picture I used as this blog post's photo. I had seen it before on the Library of Congress's website. It was of a starch factory from Aroostook County, Maine in 1940. My grandparents were from Aroostook County, Maine near Caribou and as a boy my grandfather picked potatoes and sent it to a factory just like like this, it may have been this one. One Christmas, my mom found an Aroostook potato sack in an antique gallery and gave it to him. It certainly brought back memories. That potato sack and these photos kind of bring back something lost.

That why I like old photos. Whether it be people, cars or locations, it's kind of neat to see something that's gone forever...I want to say more but the thoughts are just jumbled in my head. That's why I keep writing, to train my brain to work like it used to.

The Baby's Birthday

It's chaotic around our house lately. Painting, furniture moved from one room to another and getting rid of stuff, oh and BBQing. The last one doesn't really have anything to do with why it's chaotic, I just wanted to share. Why are things hectic around here? Lottie's first birthday! On Saturday, she will have been with us for an entire year!

It's hard to imagine where the time has gone. Of course I had a stroke half way through that, so it's been kind of a before and after situation. When I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, she really didn't seem like she remembered who I was. Actually the first month I was home I didn't get the feeling she knew me. Since then, that has changed. I've been home every day since and it has made us inseparable. She is my new best friend, always by my side and giggling and smiling. I never thought I would say this, but I change my best friend's diapers. Not a lot of people can say that. Actually not a lot of people WOULD want to say that. Wait, on a second thought, ignore all that diaper stuff.

On Sunday, we will have about 60 people over for a BBQ for her birthday. About 5 people I actually know. I'm kidding. Friends, family and neighbors will be joining us. Actually, you could count the neighbors under the friends column...I'm actually going to have family here that has never met her before.

We're getting a bounce house (for me and the twins). It will tough keeping other people out of it though. I have to uphold my record of knocking every bounce house down that I've ever been in. Of course for the twins 5^th birthday party the wind knocked the bounce house down. That was fun to watch. All these kids screaming running around because the bounce house was collapsing around them. By the term “fun,” I mean it was fun on the inside, on the outside I had to act like a caring parent.

Most people are attending to taste my BBQ goodness (at least that's what I am telling myself). Honestly, we're having hot dogs and brats, oh and grilled lobster tail. Well, I put it on the grocery list, but we shall see if my wife picks some up. I mean it is my child's 1^st birthday, lobster tail is a good way to celebrate...I mean for me, Lottie can't have any.

And the cakes...our friend is making monkey cakes. That's what we call Lottie. She squirms like a monkey and she has taken an interest in monkey things, including bananas. I really don't know what the phrase “monkey things” actually is, but we show her a monkey and she gets excited. Of course we show her scissors and she has the same reaction. On her birthday I will finally be able to give her the sock monkey that was made by Sari. She's is gonna love that!

Right now she is sitting on the floor beside me as I type this, smiling away. She's playing with her Zoe stickers from Sesame Street and a cord from our fan. You know what, I should go...

A Cup For What Ails Ya!

And by “what ails ya,” I am speaking of being tired.  I guess I should have typed “a cup for what makes you tired,” but I thought my title was more interesting.  What is he talking about?  I am talking about that first cup of coffee in the morning!  This post will be dedicated to COFFEE - that liquid that we can’t wake up to without each morning.

Actually, I am sipping from a cup right now.  It’s a manly cup of coffee – Cinnabon Bun flavored coffee.  But I’ve got a least 6 types in the fridge.  I’ve tried to share my coffee addiction with the family, but they all say it smells like crap or mud or anything else that doesn’t sound appealing.  I’ve even offered cash or other prizes if they say want some, but no takers yet!

And by “what ails ya” I am speaking of being tired.  I guess I should have typed “a cup for what makes you tired” but I thought my title was more interesting.  What is he talking about?  I am talking about that first cup of coffee in the morning!  This post, my second since my stroke, will be dedicated to COFFEE - that liquid that we can’t wake up to without each morning.

Actually, I am sipping from a cup right now.  It’s a manly cup of coffee – Cinnabon Bun flavored coffee.  But I’ve got a least 6 types in the fridge -I don't have bacon latte, though. I’ve tried to share my coffee addiction with the family, but they all say it smells like crap or mud or anything else that doesn’t sound appealing.  I’ve even offered cash or other prizes if they say want some, but no takers yet! I suppose I could put it in Lottie's sippy cup, after all she'll turn 1 this weekend, but I have friends who work in child protective services and it wouldn't look good they had to haul me off.

That first cup, or 5, really gets me going in the morning. The few mornings where I don't have that first cup you would think I had a stroke or something by the way I talk and stumble about...At any rate, I need my morning cup of joe. When I used to work, I would wait until I got into the office to have it. It was like drinking in a community with the people I would work with. The drivers behind me probably wished I would have had a cup before I got behind the wheel though.

The consumption of caffeine is actually not recommended for me. With my heart issues the last thing I need is bolt of caffeine running through my system. It's like Elmo having a shot of speed. Well, it is nothing like that but I got to work Elmo into the conversation. But I stop drinking it, or drink decaf, after my first half dozen or so cups. My middle name is “moderation,” after all. That reminds me, I have to tell you about the deep fried pork ribs I saw...

Just look at a line around Starbucks this morning, afternoon or night to see what I'm taking about. Iced coffee or hot coffee (I'll define the hot kind as CLASSIC COFFEE), people need their fix. Just a few days ago, I wrote a Facebook status update asking if 11:30 am was too late to brew a pot. The responses we're essentially that people keep a pot on all day and night. Then I realized that coffee is essential to the running of America. Kind of.

So, I have my Brewstation (where I just place the coffee mug underneath it to dispense my liquid crack) is running on empty. I guess that means I am done here, there was a whole lot I wanted to say, but I can't remember it. Hopefully I will soon. I need more coffee in the meantime and Lottie is holding her sippy cup up...maybe she's ready to taste the smooth delicacies of a fine crafted cup of java!




****please ignore any typos I have, my proofreading has taken a slip since my injury***

It's Flitch Day!!

I know none of you know what that means, but I'll tell you (in due time). First, this is the first blog post I've written in 6 ½ months. Since my stroke...I don't know if it will be funny, but I need to train my mind to write again. It's kinda like physical therapy , except it's for the mind...and you will be my guinea pigs.

I could write a lot... Me crashing 25 miles an hour on my brother's quad into a tree (proving I could ride it just 2 months after my stroke), my newfound fascination with Sesame Street, how long it takes me to write something, or how I can't work or drive... but that's all boring. So I will write about Flitch Day.

You're probably thinking that Flitch is a funny twitch, or a light switch (if you have a lisp). Flitch Day, is (are you ready)... a measurement in BACON. That's right, a measurement done with bacon. I guess you couldn't find a more fitting topic for me to start writing again. Wikipedia defines it as: a side of salted and cured pork. An entire side, like half of a pig. Wikipedia continues: The awarding of a flitch of bacon to married couples who can swear to not having regretted their marriage for a year and a day is an old tradition, the remnants of which still survive in some pockets in England.

We are owed 12 flitches, I think. Well, I probably should check with my wife. I can tell you that it's going to join my lexicon of daily definitions! Right next to “knock on laminate” and “I want to go to there.” In fact I have added flitch to my Word dictionary. It's bothered me since I started typing this how flitches would end up on my computer with a red line under it. Not any more!!

In fact, I think I will have a flitch for dinner. Maybe in a hamburger or maybe on it's own. Perhaps smoky or cured with maple syrup. But, it's too hot to toil over bacon in my kitchen and it would be a fire hazard to cook a flitch on the grill. Wait I've got it...I'll order flitch from a restaurant.  That way we would use someone else's flichten AC!!!!!  

My time away...

HI!!!!  It's been a looong time.  I suffered a stroke on January 8, 2010.  The stroke affected my language, speaking and writing skills.  I hope to be able to write...some day!!!
-M

2010 – That Would Make A Good Movie Title Or Something

Well, here we are at the start of another decade. I was reminded of the passage of time as I had to open MS Office 2000 to write this. Yet that still seems like updated software to me and now it’s 10 years old. I always wondered how the old folks start getting so out of touch with current times and I guess me thinking MS Office 2000 is bright and shiny is how it all begins. And how about them Boyz II Men, what a great up and coming vocal group! And by the way, have you tried Starbucks Coffee yet? WOW!

I didn’t really know what I was going to write today, but I have decided post-New Years that I will have a resolution this year. A resolution to get back to writing much more often. Well, that and my resolution to create a fad that will spread as fast as the “name the color of your unmentionable what-not thingies you are wearing” spread on Facebook this week. For the record, I am NOT wearing a bra, but if I was, I would like it to be black and have little #3’s all over it in honor of Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Although the “bacon bra” picture that shows up on the intrawebs from time to time has me intrigued too.

Today would have been Elvis’ 75^th birthday and as a king of the fan (wait, I don’t think I said that right), I am tempted to write about what a 75 year old Elvis would look like, assuming of course that he had not already been put to death by lethal injection for shooting Lisa Marie after she married Michael Jackson. Would he be a recluse in his Jungle Room at Graceland, never opening the curtains or trimming his hair, finger nails or toe nails? Would he have a theater in Branson? Would he have put out a rap album trying to stay hip? Would have need a new hip? Would he be using words like “fo shizzle” and “the bomb” or would he have just grown old gracefully in his sequin-studded mall walker jogging outfits? Sadly, the world will never get to know…

Then I realized I could just talk about the New Year. I erroneously gave last year the motto of “Things Will Be Fine In 2009,” (and anyone who knows me knows how erroneous that really turned out to be) but have had a little more trouble naming 2010. I have come up with such anti-gems as “Get Yourself A Hen in 2010” and “2010 – The Time is Now When,” but both of those don’t really convey anything and I am pretty sure the grammar of the last one would get me kicked out of college. So for now, I will leave 2010 unnamed, even though that causes me to have a facial tick.

I wonder what will happen this year. I remember making predictions back in 2007 or 2008 and I missed on every single one of them, so I am naturally a little gun-shy to make predictions for this year. Though, I could tell you the things I would LIKE to see happen this year, but I’ll take one more chance at some predictions…

I think the chin firmer thing will supplant the Snuggie as America’s favorite not-so-inside joke. I think disgraced Chicago Governor Rob Blagojevich (and yes, I had to Google him to spell his last name) will end up as a pseudo-celebrity on VH1 or MTV. I think Frank Gifford will be arrested for finally slapping Kathie Lee Gifford to oblivion and that Tiger Woods will end up celebrity boxing Gary Coleman after he is forced from the PGA. In a slightly related prediction, the PGA will declare bankruptcy after banning Tiger Woods for life. I also predict the birth of a bunch of Tiger cubs, if you pick up what I am laying down…(which by the way, did not sound nearly as cool as it did in my head…) I also think the Tea Bag movement will adopt another name since everyone either accidentally, or in some cases intentionally, calls them something slightly different and much more derogatory, if you pick up what I am laying down (nope, it didn’t sound any better the second time either).

As far as what I would LIKE to see happen, the tops on my list would have to be the development and successful commercial viability of robots that can make coffee, frozen waffles and bacon every morning. I would also like to see the invention of maple-scented charcoal. I would just pour syrup on my existing charcoal, but that seems like too much work. Lastly, I would like to see a pop culture movement that realizes the true genius of Charles Nelson Reilly. Cigars, a lisp and those sweaters (Oh, those sweaters!!!!)…really, do I need to say anymore?? Ok, I will…Match Game! I think I’ve made my case.

So there you have it, my first entry for 2010. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make my own frozen waffles…

Holiday Repost: The Exploitation Of Rudolph, It’s Animagical!

It’s that time of year when those famous Rankin-Bass cartoons and stop-motion puppet (Animagic) specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (which was on this last weekend) and Frosty can be seen on TV as frequently as wreaths on long-haul truckers’ rigs. I think the only person that comes close to having produced more Christmas fare than Rankin-Bass was Johnny Mathis, who I’m pretty sure just released his 100th Christmas CD, or something close to it. The ABC Family Channel usually airs most of the Rankin-Bass productions all December long and my girls watched a few of them recently. Among them was ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’ and ‘The Christmas without a Santa Claus.’ It got me thinking that at a certain point, the Animagic Christmas treatment may have been stretched a little too thin.

Obviously, ‘Rudolph’ is as much a part of the holidays as Bing Crosby. It has to be good television for it to have been broadcast over network TV for the last 42 years. Although I seriously doubt that there has been an American child named Rudolph since the first airing of the special in 1964. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that classic. It’s the other Rudolph shows that prove maybe there can be too much of a good thing. Apparently, Rudolph has to find Baby New Year after he runs away in ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.’ It seems the little baby ran away because he was embarrassed by his big ears. Of course, Rudolph could sympathize (as could I, unfortunately) because he has that nose and all, but really, is that worth an hour children’s program?

Then there’s the very confusing ‘Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July,’ which just leaves me speechless. I’m still not sure what it was about but it featured Frosty for the first time as a stop-motion puppet. Should this be aired in the summer or in December? Combining the two seems to make as much sense as having Hank Williams, Jr. do a slow and reverent version of ‘Away in a Manger.’ Although if Hank did cover a version of it, please let me know so I can add it to my collection. At least Rudy was left alone for a while until ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys’ came along. That was done digitally though so I won’t consider it for the sake of this post.

There were however, several holidays that Rankin-Bass apparently chose to have Rudolph not celebrate. Maybe they figured having a reindeer and snowman enjoy the 4th of July together was the bottom of the barrel. Think of all we missed if they had decided to continue milking Rudolph. There could have been ‘Rudolph’s Thanksgiving’ where he has to coax Tom the Turkey back to the turkey farm so he can be euthanized and ‘processed’ for Thanksgiving dinner. What about ‘Rudolph’s Haunted Halloween’ where he befriends a ghost who is afraid of dark haunted houses but has to haunt someone before he gets his official ghost status? Yep, they cook up a scheme with Yukon Cornelius to pretend to be scared by the timid ghost. It sounds a lot like Casper, but Casper is friendly and this ghost is timid. Trust me, if just for litigation purposes only, there is a difference in the two.

Rudolph would shine (if you’ll pardon the phrasing) in ‘Rudolph and the Leprechaun.’ In that one Rudolph searches for the pot of gold that Louis the Leprechaun lost in a cock-fighting bet. ‘Rudolph’s Meaty Memorial Day’ would follow the reindeer as he rounds up enough meat for Santa’s big ‘Start of Summer BBQ.’ Unfortunately, Santa feels like grilling venison this year. The hour long finale to the Rudolph dynasty would be ‘Rudolph’s Long Lazy Labor Day,’ where he sleeps all weekend before escorting the kiddy elves to their first day of school. Oh the mayhem that could ensue in that one. Wow!

As you can see, while he may have been exploited after the success of his original holiday special, it could have continued and been much worse. The lackluster Rudolph sequels seem to have done little to tarnish the little misfit’s street credibility though. They are making Rudolph themed everything these days. I actually saw a Rudolph version of Monopoly the other day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go open another roll of Rudolph toilet paper for the twins.


**The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile’s useless observation for the day: Have you noticed in the original ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ that all of the hands on the puppets are dirty? Especially Santa’s. I don’t know why this is, but you can only watch something so many times until you start looking at things other than the plot…

The Annual Christmas Letter

We all hate them, we all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annual bragging Christmas letter, that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from a wife’s point of view:

Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2007 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. You can imagine husband’s surprise when I returned from Kenya last month with our newly adopted son. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

Tiger has no growl??

OK, seriously, Tiger Woods can say no to a police investigation for almost 5 days? And the police just say ok and then ask if they can come back the next day, just like a telemarketer would? Who else on the planet could get away with that?! Although my friend Arnie had better ones, here's my reactions to this whole Tiger thing...

* I bet his wife is really "teed" off at him

* When he crashed, I bet Tiger's first thought was "Oh Grrrrreat"

* I hope the eye of the Tiger was not injured in the crash. He needs that for his putting

* When he left his driveway he was aiming for the fairway, but just missed it

* I can't believe he wrecked his "caddy." They don't get paid enough as it is.

* I wonder if Tiger hit is "FORE!" head on the dash?

* To wreck that badly just leaving your driveway means he was not just "putt" "putting" around while he drives

* His car bounced of a "1 wood" then hit a fire hydrant.

OK, I think I'm done now...

But I Thought These Were The Turkeys You Pardoned...

President Obama carried on a tradition yesterday that dates back to John F. Kennedy in 1963. He pardoned a 45 pound turkey (and it’s backup) for Thanksgiving, thus sparing them from someone’s dinner table. The two birds, Courage and Carolina, were set to spend the day at Disneyland as grand marshals of a Thanksgiving Day Parade instead of in a warm and toasty oven.

However, calamity ensued late Wednesday night in Anaheim, California as the two pardoned turkeys arrived at Disneyland. The park's officials realized that the two birds were not Courage and Carolina, but two larger birds named Yum and Me. Phone calls were immediately placed to the White House to advise them of the mix up but it was too late. Courage and Carolina had already been ‘processed’ and were almost ready to be served at both the White House as Turduken and at a local Washington DC shelter.

“All I can say is oops,” said a White House official. “There was a mix up after the pardoning ceremony and Courage and Carolina were accidentally placed back into the wrong holding pen. I guess things like this happen all the time; these birds all look the same. They sure smell good though,” he added.

Asked whether or not the “turduckened” bird, which most believe to be Carolina, was still going to be served at the White House, the official stated, “well, he has already been prepared so it would be a shame not to go ahead and eat him. We’ll just be more careful next year.”

Meanwhile in Anaheim, Disneyland officials decided to remove the mistaken birds Yum and Me from the parade festivities and “process” them to be sold along with all of their relatives at the turkey leg stand across from “The Rivers of America” in Frontierland. A Disneyland official was quoted as saying, “we did some fact checking and apparently birds mistaken for pardoned birds do not receive the same anti-cooking protection under the law. It makes more economic sense to cook them and sell their sumptuous, overly fattened legs to our park guests.” “Besides,” he added, “have you had one of those turkey legs yet? They are amazing!”

The White House released a statement this morning that condemns the careless judgment of the turkey handlers. The release said that plans are already in motion to prevent this from happening next year. It calls for a congressional hearing and investigation, an improved ten-step post-pardon ceremony turkey handling process and possibly the formation of a new cabinet position to oversee all meaningless Presidential traditions. Lastly, the White House has promised they will use turkey shaped tofu for their dinner next year to make up for accidentally eating the official national turkey.

“We all feel awful about the mix-up. We will not smile, laugh or show excitement in any way as we try our best not to enjoy this turkey while we are eating its succulent and tender meat. Mmmmmmmm, tuuuurrrrkeeeeeeey,” said a drooling White House official.

If Only I Had Seen This Yesterday...(Holiday Repost)

...Or perhaps several days or weeks ago because of the lengthy prep time I am assuming accompanies what I am about to share with you. While perusing around online this morning, I came across a mention of a new take on turducken, which is odd considering that turducken itself is a new take on something. This creation was called turgooduccochiqua.

Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.

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Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen.

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything. Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry.

Thanksgiving Eve Eve

It's here. It's here. I'm not sure if that's actually what they call today or not, but it SHOULD be called that. I am going to write my local member of congress and suggest that he pushes legislation (or litigation - I'm not that particular) to make it so. After all, I'm sure it will be a welcome respite from all the health care and bailout stuff. And let's face it, it'll be cheaper, too!

Speaking of bailout (and bad segues), the president will pardon 2 turkeys at the White House later this week in the annual event that has taken place since at least Harry Truman. Gerald Ford even pardoned a turkey. It's name was Nixon. Seriously folks, these are the jokes...The pardoned turkeys will get to live out the rest of their lives at the turkey farm praying to God that their tags marking them as special, untouchable turkeys never come off strutting around knowing that they have been spared, though I bet it will make it hard for them to forge meaningful long lasting relationships. "I swear Tom, every time I get close to another Jenny, she disappears..."

While I can't believe it's already here, I love this week. There's just something about knowing the work week is prematurely over, Thursday is nothing but food and 45 of my closest relatives (at least 60% of who I can now call by their correct name) and then Christmas decorating. Oh and the annual turkey marathon of leftovers. Then there's the airing of "It's A Wonderful Life." I'm pretty sure that every time "It's A Wonderful Life" airs that an NBC accountant gets his commission.

I read recently about the original Thanksgiving and it has really changed my approach to the holiday. I've got one word for you: LOBSTER. Yes, lobster may have been served along with other shellfish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it's too late this year, next year I am proposing that my family reenacts that first Thanksgiving, complete with lobster for everyone. Although, there was no pumpkin pie at that meal, so maybe I'd better go with a hybrid new and old celebration next year. Then again, do lobster and pumpkin pie really go well together? It's bad enough that everyone gets tired after the big meal. Do we really need them getting sick instead?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May your bellies be full and your fortunes be fuller. Wow, that was lame. Ignore that...

Writing Can Be Exercise Too (And Not Just Because It's Painful...)

I was recently telling some friends that I'd like to work on a book to self-publish sometime next year. One of their first reactions was “don't you need to actually write sometimes in order to make a book?” While I found the comment rude and sarcastic, causing me hours of self-doubt and self-loathing, in which I needed to consume half a block of premium aged sharp cheddar (I'm drifting off track here, aren't I) to cope, my friends did have a point. I used to write every day, and then I found the Cliff Notes method of writing: Facebook status updates and 140 character tweets.

Those 2 methods of expressing myself are certainly easier than crafting 500-1000 word essays on things like the inherit awesomeness of fatty foods or why Tina Fey should befriend me and let me be in her personal entourage. Those same 2 methods do have fallout though. For instance, I can no longer have conversations with people without mentally counting how many words I have uttered and it's been at least a year since I was able to show my approval or appreciation of something without saying “Michael likes this.” And that brings up an entirely different issue. I now begin sentences by referring to myself in 3^rd person. So as you can see, Michael clearly needs to get back to the good ole days of writing in long form. Dammit....

Just as one cannot run a marathon without exercising and becoming conditioned to do so, one also cannot write a book by writing short little one line blurbs about what I am currently doing. Michael Christelman is currently writing about writing. Crap! Sorry, it seems old habits die hard. I'll try to reign that in a little more. Michael does not like this. AUGH! Double crap!

By now it should be painfully obvious that I really have nothing to write today. But much like that first mile when trying to run or getting hugs from all your old overly perfumed relatives at a family gathering, you just have to power through it. So that is what I am going to do. The fact that this document has sat open and unedited for the last 30 minutes is not going to deter me.

I could write about how I can't hear Julie Andrews' voice without thinking of Mary Poppins or how some people just cannot help but appear superior. I could write about how I sometimes turn on Glenn Beck and watch him with the volume down because his movements, gestures and facial expressions are so entertaining. I could write about how Hugh Hefner is putting in a petting zoo at the Playboy mansion (it's a heavy petting zoo...) Or maybe I'll write about how my spellcheck did not flag the word “Hefner” but DID flag the word spellcheck. I guess you know you've really made it when your name does not appear in MS Word with a red squiggly line under it.

I could also discuss the torsion physics theory and how many believe torsion physics is what the Mayans were writing about when they said the world will end in 2 years. But, I smell bacon, so I should probably go try to find where that is coming from. I guess I'll worry about the writing thing tomorrow...

Bullet Points – It’s Like Cheating For A Writer

Usually when I announce that I’m going to write in bullet or list form, that should be taken as ‘I want to write today but have nothing engaging, or intelligible, to say. So, with that being said, I am going to be writing in bullet or list form today…

* Today is Mother-In-Law Day. I know what you’re thinking, and it caught me a little off guard too: Isn’t Mother-In-Law Day on October 31^st when we normally celebrate witches?

* We can put up fake skeletons sticking out of the ground at all angles to decorate for Halloween, but I put out 3 meals worth of real chicken bones to get the neighborhood into the spirit and people call me troubled?!

* I wonder why more couples don’t play Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares To You” at their weddings.

* Jeremiah was in fact a bullfrog, but he was not a good friend of mine.

* I’ve often wondered how Barry Manilow feels knowing that Cher could kick his a$$ if the need to do so every arises?

* They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Is this still true if someone is your enemy because they have terrible body odor or bad breath?

* I’m not sure I should crave cottage cheese every time my 3 month old spits up on me.

* I had a horrible dream that I was being attacked my thousands of little Disney Princesses and that they were all following me. Then I realized I was just at Disneyland.

* Can an Italian restaurant serve food without playing Sinatra or Tony Bennett? Would it taste worse or something?

* Does anyone else ever get the urge to photo bomb a crime scene?

* Does anyone else find that they have to enunciate REALLY well every time they say the word “fish sticks?”

* I hear that Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. Though when he does it, I think it should be called Pudding Hop.

WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING??

My very good friend Kat just informed me a little while ago that today is International Caps Lock Day. SO, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY EVERYBODY!

NOW IS IT JUST ME OR DO YOU RAISE THE LEVEL OF YOUR INTERNAL MONOLUGE SEVERAL DECIMALS WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS? I KNOW IT FREAKS SOME PEOPLE OUT, SO I PROBABLY SHOULD NOT OVERDUE IT. I GOTTA TELL YOU THOUGH THAT IT’S VERY, VERY, OH SO VERY TEMPTING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST IN THE ALL CAPS STYLE!

WAIT, IS ALL CAPS ACTUALLY A STYLE LIKE SAY CALLIGROPHY OR CURSIVE ARE A STYLE? IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WROTE IN ALL BLOCK LETTERED CAPS FOR ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AND PAPERS. IT WAS CONSIDERED VERY NEAT AND UNLIKE WHEN USING ALL CAPS FOR EMAIL, NO ONE EVER ACCUSED ME OF YELLING.

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE ABOUT TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT YOU USUALLY ARE SO USED TO HITTING THE SHIFT KET AT THE START OF EVERY SENTENCE THAT THE FIRST LETTER OF ALL YOUR SENTENCES ENDS UP LIKE THIS: tO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY NAME IS mICHAEL, ETC., ETC…. THEN YOU JUST END UP LOOKING LIKE IN IDIOT.

I’M GOING TO WRAP THIS UP NOW BECAUSE I AM FINDING IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING WITH ALL OF THIS YELLING. SERIOUSLY, AFTER READING THIS, NO ON ELSE HEARS THAT BELL RINGING? WHAT?? OH, I THOUGH YOU SAID SOMETHING. SORRY.

(NOW PLEASE GO AHEAD AND FEEL FREE TO LEAVE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS IN THE CLASSIC ALL CAPS STYLE…)

This One’s Kinda Cheesy…

If you’re a cheese lover, there’s really only one dessert for you, right? Yep, a nice fondue. However, this post isn’t about fondue, though it is about another cheese related dessert: the cheesecake. To me, it’s my favorite type of cake. Granted, I prefer pie, key lime is my favorite and my birthday is December 24th, just in case you are scoring at home. But If there were such a thing as a beefcake, I might change my mind. I mean, I know there is a word called beefcake, but that is an entirely different subject. Uh, let me get back to the cheesecake. I bring all of this up for a good reason. According to The Cheescake Factory chain of eating establishments, not only is today humping day, today is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day! I’ve never actually heard of this day before (not that it’s stopped me from writing about semi-real holidays) but given the title of the Cheesecake Factory’s name, I am going to trust the source.

I know it’s Fall, except for in Southern California where it is a chilly 87 degrees as I write this, and everyone goes all pumpkiny this time of year. And yes, pumpkiny is a real word, though I am hedging my bets that you will not take the time to look it up, thereby allowing me to maintain that pumpkiny is a real word. During Fall we all go crazy for Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin patches, carved pumpkins. So, it really is the perfect time to celebrate this holiday. And that’s exactly what I did. To celebrate National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, I went out and bought an entire box of Hot Pockets. I WANTED the pumpkin cheesecake, but the Hot Pockets just looked so good. Though I did take that picture I used for this story.

However, don’t let the way I chose to celebrate keep you from celebrating with an actual pumpkin cheesecake. I made a pumpkin pie this past weekend and knew what would happen if I brought home a nice glossy mass-produced pumpkin cheesecake. My pumpkin creation would have the cheesecake placed next to it in the fridge and then every time I open the fridge for dessert I would grab the cheesecake. And then when I open the fridge to put something back after using it, I would push my homemade pumpkin pie out of the way and by Thanksgiving, when I open the fridge to find room for this year’s Turducken (crossing my fingers of course that this will finally be the year I get to try Turducken), I’d discover the old and moldy pumpkin pie that I so lovingly made with my own hands and somewhat fresh…ly canned ingredients. Let’s face it; no one really wants that to happen, which is why I did not bring home a pumpkin cheesecake. Well, because of that and the hot pockets thing….

So, happy Pumpkin Cheesecake Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try to get an executive with The Cheesecake Factory to take my call so I can get paid for this ringing endorsement and numerous product mentions I made for their pumpkin cheesecake. Let me clear, I have been talking about pumpkin cheesecake, which is available at The Cheesecake Facory. One more time: that’s pumpkin cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. The main points here are 1. pumpkin cheesecake and 2. the Cheesecake Factory. Though if you wish, you could interchange them to 1. the Cheesecake Factory and 2. pumpkin cheesecake.

Cheesecake Factory

Pumpkin cheesecake


****If you were in and out of conscience as you were reading this, much in the same way I was while typing it, you can hear the audio version of this post here.

Two In One Day? (That's What She Said)

I recorded a second podcast today. To be all perfectionistic, I even made little note cards (ok, they were light blue Post Its that I stuck up all over the computer monitor, if you must know!). I wrote down all the topics I wanted to discuss so I would be prepared. It didn't work...

So, here is my second podcast for today...

Mondays Suck...And So Does This Podcast

Well my friends and enemies, we've made it to another Monday and only 6 more days til the next one! So, let's really live it up until the evil day comes around again.

I had attempted to assist you with this weekday enjoyment project by making another podcast which, as I have asserted before, is not me being lazy or taking the easy way out instead of writing here like I used to. Besides, there is no such thing as laziness, only Body Energy Conservation. If we have learned nothing else from Al Gore, it's that we need to conserve and be more responsible citizens. I'd like to think I did my part.

I can't believe it's already this late in October. It seems like just yesterday we were welcoming in this new year and I was excitedly telling anyone who would listen about my plans to bring back the denim overall into its once prominent fashion status. And good news folks: I've decided to do the same in 2010! Not because I failed in 2009, but because I have decided it's a multi-pronged project. For instance, prong 1: 2009. Prong 2: 2010. It's Like that.

OK, today's podcast really deals with none of the things I have just discussed, which hopefully will make you enjoy it even more. So, Happy $#^$%#%$ Monday and here's today's podcast...

Hey, I Remembered I Have a Podcast Site Thing

So, I decided after just under two years that I would try to podcast again. I know what you're thinking, but the fact that podcasting involves even LESS typing than Facebook or Twitter has nothing to do with it!! Gheesh, I blog, am on Facebook, I twitter AND now podcast? I'm pretty sure this makes me a social media whore. Or perhaps, a SMORE?

Nothing too exciting in this podcast, but if you make it through the first 2 minutes, the last 3 get slightly better, much in the same way that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is only slightly better than the real thing...

In this latest installment, you can hear a few "that's what she saids," several dozen "ums" and my take on why it's called a "podcast." If you listen, I promise you $1 million bucks...in friendship dollars, only redeemable with me.

So, here is my latest podcast...

It's National Grouch Day, Dammit

Well, I awoke this morning to learn that today is National Grouch Day.  I sat down to write something from a grouch's perspective, but I can't.  After all, 30 Rock's season 4 premieres tonight.  So, I will just leave you with this grouch quiz.  Who in the montage do you think is the grouchiest?  Warning, I may have slipped one or two in there to throw you off.  So, I hope you have a horrible National Grouch Day.  Get it?  I wished you a horrible holiday because we're supposed to be grouchy?  That's why it it's funny...