Driving Efficiently, Not Smartly

I read an interesting Reuters story online this morning while driving into work. The story caught my attention since I just wrote about drivers who don’t pay attention to what their satellite navigation systems are telling them to do. This story says that a survey was recently released showing that 81 percent of our fellow Americans (but it’s certainly not any of us reading or writing this) perform other tasks while driving. While I tend to view it as driving efficiently, others view it as not exactly the safest of driving practices.

The study by Nationwide Mutual Insurance says that drivers eat, mess with their music, do makeup, shave, exchange seats with other passengers, watch movies and yes – nurse their children while driving. Although in the case of the baby nurser, I don’t know how much driving they’d actually be doing. That’s downright illegal, I think. If you are nursing a child while driving then you either have amazing bodily contortion, stretching ability (of which I do not wish to further discuss) or you’ve taken the child out of their car seat, and they are stretched across your lap in the front seat. If that mom (I don’t think I have to state why I know it’s a mom and not a dad for obvious reasons) has to slam on the brakes, that’ll sadly be her baby’s last supper. It’s ‘utterly’ wrong…sorry.

Doing the other stuff while driving is certainly not bright, but we all know it happens every day. Here in Southern California, I’m not sure that efficient driving (my term only) is that dangerous for the simple fact that most of us get onto our lovely congested highways and never get into third gear, provided we’re lucky enough to get into second. If you are a regular participant in the hell that is known as commuting (defined as driving two-hours one way over a distance that should only take 30 minutes), then you could easily set up and play an entire game of Monopoly with a commuter in the lane next to you or a fellow passenger without every endangering yourselves. OK, I’m exaggerating. The game wouldn’t be monopoly; it would be Pictionary.

I don’t feel that American drivers should be accused of watching movies while driving. What did everyone expect when they started installing DVD players into our cars and SUVs in the first place? They probably don’t think we’re using our cup holders, moon roofs or seat warmers, either. I’ve tried to shave with my electric razor once, but it wasn’t a very close shave, so I won’t bother trying that again. I see ladies applying mascara all the time while driving. Do you know how tempting it is to pull up along side of them and gesture that they missed a spot? My only concern is that their insurance might find me at fault when they slam into the back of a minivan because they aren’t paying attention.

When I was younger, I only changed seats with other passengers while stopped at a red light. I feel so stupid that it never occurred to me that we could engage in that game while moving. I’ll have to try it because it sounds like a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it might take too long getting Lucy and Ethel out of their car seats to participate. Maybe I’ll grab the company’s carpool van for the day.

It appears that the things we’re most guilty of while driving would have to be eating or car stereo related. Why just last night coming home from dinner, I mastered the art of driving in the dark on the freeway in 50 mile per hour wind gusts while changing CDs on my stereo. I should also admit that I got extra style points since I had to bend down and pick up the six CDs I dropped while trying to do all of this. I’m proud to admit that I only swerved once and my tires only hit the lane’s reflector bumps; they never actually crossed into the other lane. Now try that at home.

Oops, green light. I gotta go…

Repost Sunday: I Just Cut My Finger Off But The Bases Are Loaded…

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. This was originally posted October 13, 2006.

I’ll admit that sometimes I peruse many news sites’ “weird news” sections looking for a quickie laugh, or blog idea for that matter. I thought I hit pay dirt today until I gave what I read more thought. It was a news story courtesy of Reuters about a study done by an ER doctor in Maryland. The doctor was able to make the correlation between surges in male admissions to the ER with the ending of football, basketball and baseball games. He believes that many men are putting off needing to go to the emergency room until after the sporting activity they are watching is over. After reading it I only had one thing to say, which was, “and?”

I’m glad he was able to statistically prove what everyone probably already guessed: men don’t like going to the doctor, let alone the ER, and sports are really important to men. I don’t mind saying that in my life I have had to go to the emergency room many times to be treated for an irregular heart beat (and by treated I mean being shocked back into regular heart rhythm but as they say, that’s a blog for another day). I share that point with you only because I have statistically proven the Maryland doctor’s findings every time I have had to go to the ER. I may not wait until the game or race is completely over, but I definitely wait until the outcome of the sporting event in question appears to have been decided. Like most men, I figure that I have to be inconvenienced by spending time at the hospital for some unplanned reason and I might as well go in on my own terms, especially when my team is playing.

Now no one is admitting that this is a smart thing to do. Heck, when was the last time that men being smart and men’s devotion to sports were mentioned in the same sentence? Ok, I just did, but prior to that when was the last time that men being smart and men’s devotion to sports were mentioned in the same sentence? Shoot, I did it again, but before these two times, when was the last time…forget it, you get the point. The answer is probably never.

There is something about sports that calls to us. Maybe it’s the competition or maybe it’s the blondes used to promote beer sales during each commercial break. Ok, it’s probably both. I’m no “Women Are from Mars Men Are from Uranus” type author, but I assume that if the proverbial shoe (or high heel) were on the other foot, women would do the same thing. Or I could be wrong and unlike men, women realize the importance of immediately seeking physician assistance for chest pain or massive bleeding.

Since there is now empirical data showing that men would rather suffer or even put their lives in jeopardy to finish watching sports, will there be PSAs (which men will ignore by the way) to educate men to turn the game off and get to the hospital? I can just see it now:

“Hey guys, this is Mr. October Reggie Jackson with supermodel Heidi Klum here to ask if you just severed a finger. Are you doubled over in pain or experiencing horrible chest discomfort? If so, TURN THE GAME OFF IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED TO THE CLOSEST HOSPITAL! You can watch the highlights on ESPN when you are all better, unless you don’t TURN THE GAME OFF IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED TO THE CLOSEST HOSPITAL because this could be life threatening!

If PSAs are created, they should only be aired during sporting events and they’d probably better use the beer commercial blondes (no offense Reggie) to deliver the message. Now if you’ll excuse me, the game is almost over and I haven’t been able to feel my legs since the 2nd inning.

Things I Learned This Week: 1/20/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason, always makes me look pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 1/14/07-1/20/07.

! I learned that I should never load up on bottled water and coffee before attending a three-hour staff meeting.

! I learned that they recently made a single turn lane at an intersection I use frequently into a double turn lane. Aren’t they supposed to warn you about that? I wasn’t even using my cell phone or satellite navigation system!

! I learned that I need to be a little more careful when I send out email to everyone in my office. This allows me to avoid accidentally sending it to my best friend as well.

! I learned that my anonymous male co-worker, with whom I share a cubicle wall, doesn’t quite appreciate my double disc collection of Louis Prima in the same way that I do.

! I learned that when Lucy and Ethel see my barbequing and say they want steak, they apparently only mean one little piece and not an entire rib eye.

! I learned that my life might not be as exciting as it used to be when I went to bed at 9:30 on a night when Lucy and Ethel were with their grandparents.

And lastly,

! I learned that I need to be more precise when I speak with coworkers. When a coworker asked the other day if anyone had any alcohol as a joke, my answer was that I recently found some soft drink I had forgotten about that fermented in my drawers. When she and several other people who heard me looked at me oddly, I realized I should have specified it had fermented in my OFFICE drawers.

Betrayed By My TIVO (also known as TIVO vs. TV Land)

Now when I purchased my TIVO unit two years ago, I hailed it (at least in our household) as revolutionizing the way we would watch TV. “Yeah, that’s the ticket.” With two little ones running around, we would no longer miss important moments in Lucy and Ethel’s lives because we didn’t want to miss the punch line in Laverne and Shirley’s. See, I thoroughly enjoy television and appreciate it as a true American art form and cultural component, especially classic TV.

Both of these things came together tonight. I was watching the last two installments of TV Land’s “100 Greatest Quotes and Catch Phrases” that I had TIVO’d a few weeks ago. My first thought was “Dyn-o-mite,” it’ll be so great to see how all of these sayings that permeate our culture came to be. “Would you believe” it was “marvelous,” simply marvelous to watch all of these classic television sayings? If you haven’t noticed, I love pop culture references, so watching the two one-hour shows received a big “two-thumbs up” from me.

Well, at least it did until the end of the first hour when I realized that the TIVO unit was running about six minutes behind and stopped at catch phrase #24 instead of #21 like it should have. “Bang, zoom, to the moon,” “what you talking about” TIVO? How could this be happening? We can go to “space, the final frontier” and put a man on the moon but can’t have our TIVOs synched correctly with TV Land to allow us to tape the whole 60 minutes of the same show? “Well isn’t that special?”

Actually, it isn’t. So, I began the second hour knowing that I would miss seeing what the number one catch phrase was. It’s a shame too, because it was such a ‘really big show.’ All was going ok until about phrase #11 (Fonzie’s “Aay,” if you are keeping score) when I clicked on the TIVO button to realize that I was already forty minutes into it. “Holy crap” Marie, I exclaimed, which made my wife really mad since her name isn’t Marie. “Good grief.” The show’s not even half way over and there’s only twenty minutes left! “Holy time bandits, Batman!” Now I’m getting agitated and keep clicking the TIVO button to reveal the precious minutes counting down. The show is going so well and all the guests commenting on each catch phrase are so spunky. “I hate spunk!”

Now the time is really going by. I mean it “kept going and going and going” and “yada, yada, yada,” the time runs out just after number four ("Baby, you're the greatest" from Ralph Kramden, if you’re playing at home). Great, the top three phrases aren’t recorded and now I’m left wondering, “where’s the beef?” As everyone knows, there’s only one thing you can say at a crushing time like this…"D’oh!"

As Mr. Cronkite himself would say, “that’s the way it is.”

The Staff Meeting – Tips For Survival and Success

Anyone in an office setting has had to endure a staff meeting, some weekly, some monthly or some quarterly. I recently sat in on a monthly one and thought it might be good to review ways to get out of a staff meeting with your dignity (not to mention employment) intact. Like all things in life, some parts of the meeting interested me and some did not. It’s not how we conduct ourselves in the meeting during the moments that interest us that make us good office folk; it’s what we do when bored out of our skulls that really showcase our character.

I’m sure everyone has doodled during a staff meeting. Heck, if Ronald Reagan could doodle while President, I’m sure it’s ok for the rest of us! If you are going to doodle, getting into the habit of nodding every 45 seconds or so helps you to be perceived as interested in what is happening. The same exercise can be used when daydreaming. No matter what is happening, when the rest of your colleagues laugh, do the same. Just make sure that you gauge the enthusiasm of everyone else’s laughter prior to committing to yours. Don’t respond to your colleagues’ chuckles with a hearty ho-ho. I did this once, it wasn’t Christmas and it was a dead giveaway that I was about thirteen miles from where everyone else was in the room.

You should always size up the physical aspects of the room you will be conferring in. Doing so allows you to avoid the one spot in every conference room where no one wants to sit - the chair directly facing the sun. When you aren’t totally paying attention, the worst thing to do is sit there squirming and constantly adjusting how you are sitting because all of the sun’s power is being concentrated directly and solely into your eyes. Speaking of eyes, I did learn one good technique to convey interest even though you have no idea what is going on. If you require glasses to see, simply take them off. Then when you look at whoever is conducting the meeting, you appear to be making direct eye contact with them even though you can barely distinguish their face from the wall clock behind them. I’ll give you credit though since they both have faces.

Some long meetings have beverages or snacks provided, but if the meeting is of a lesser duration, it can pose some challenges. Even when there are snacks, it can be awkward because you don’t want to appear to be a pig and reach across everyone several times to partake in the provided provisions. I have personally found that bringing a PEZ dispenser or tin of mints into the meeting serves many purposes. It lets people see that you are the kind and sharing type and it provides a tiny snack in its own container that can be passed around easily and cleanly rather than having everyone touch the food. A PEZ dispenser can hold 12 pieces of candy and most mint containers hold at least 25, so plan ahead based on the number of attendees that are expected in the meeting.

If you eat during the meeting, chances are you will drink during the meeting, if you haven’t already. Caffeine in the bladder is a ticking dirty bomb waiting to go off. If the necessity to lessen the amount of liquid waste in your system arises, go! Granted, I am not a doctor, but I have seen one on TV. I recommend strongly against holding it, as squirming is not an attractive quality. Just make sure that when you excuse yourself from the meeting you let someone know where you are going so no one mistakes your exit for you wanting to go check your voicemail or stocks and sports scores online. That all being said, there is one scenario where you should hold it at all costs. Now I am no career counselor, although I have seen one on TV, but if your boss is the one individual between you and the door, just stay put.

Also, be respectful of your superiors and colleagues and silence your cell phone. It can be hard to remember sometimes, but try to make it a habit of checking that your phone is on vibrate. You don’t want to turn it off though because then you’ll miss important text messages from friends. When you have annoying or revealing ring tones like ‘The James Bond Theme’ or Johnny Paycheck’s ‘Take This Job and Shove It’ (just to randomly snatch two out of thin air), you really want to make sure your phone is off. Lastly (and perhaps most importantly), no matter how tempting it may seem, don’t draft your next blog post under the guise of ‘taking meeting notes.’ That rule should be self-explanatory – you can’t fully focus on your blog post.

Well, there you have it - a few tips to help you get through your next staff meeting. In case my boss or anyone from work is reading, all of these scenarios and tips are fictional, completely fictional. While I’m sure they have happened to someone, they have not happened to me.

Now, back to work…diversification, uh-huh, uh-huh…market share, yep, I agree…2007 goals, uh-hmmmmm…

My Obligatory Idol Post

This being my first American Idol as a blog participant, I’m not sure of how many will post about American Idol, but figured I’d get mine out of the way. The thing that immediately struck me was how appropriate that ABC was running a special two-hour entertainment version of America’s Funniest Home Videos opposite Idol. Their cacophony of people falling off stage, running into one another and other performance themed accidents is to me what is really funny (how can anyone resist a crotch hit or baseball bat to the groin? Seriously, I see one and I’m incapacitated for 30 minutes giggling like a 12-year-old schoolgirl). At least all of those people intended to be laughed at when they submitted their tapes. Sadly and rather unbelievably, the same can’t be said for most Idol contestants. The worst part is that no matter how bad they are they can’t believe it and either can their love-blinded parents.

The Idol phenomenon is just plain scary. Of course you knew that the attractive and sassy Colombian girl would make it through to the next round, right? I was pretty confident of that the moment she walked through the door and the camera panned her up and down. Speaking of doors, do you think that they had one side of the double doors locked on purpose? After about the 10th person almost broke their wrist (and certainly their pride) trying to exit, perhaps they could have put a ‘use other door’ sign up. Oh well, at least we got to laugh at that too, right?

I thought it would be a fun time for Lucy and Ethel to watch all the bad singers. While they enjoyed it, I’m not sure it was a good idea. I certainly don’t want them beginning to judge people, especially when they told me before bed that my version of Rascal Flatts’ ‘Croaking Toad’ (or is it Broken Road?) was horrible, simply horrible. In their defense, I guess I was in the wrong pitch, but really, how does a four year old know about that!

I wonder if I could have any success with an Idol rip off? My first thought is ‘Congressional Idol.’ Contestants from every state could vie for a special 101st seat in the Senate. It would be like the real ‘voice of the people’seat; someone who’s only constituency would be the American public… and maybe Coca-Cola…and General Electric…ok and Ford, but that’s it…ok Kraft Foods too…seriously that’s all.

The tryouts would consist of everyone giving their best politician-style campaign speech. They would be ranked on incorrect use of popular catch phrases (like ‘my peeps’), overly used hand gestures (the Clintonesque thumb over fist comes to mind), repetition of past popular campaign quotes (what political speech would be right without ‘I feel your pain,’ ‘wouldn’t be prudent’ and ‘you are no John Kennedy’) and poor voice inflection. Extra style points would be issued for over the top crazed-man screaming and use of props, such as pens inserted into hands or flip charts with financial graphs. A panel of judges could be assembled that would include Howard Dean, Bob Dole, Paul Tsongas, Gary Hart and Michael Dukakis – clearly the most successful politicians to ever run for office. I’m sure it would be a ratings smash for C-Span, or maybe public radio…

How about ‘Sales Person Idol?’ Some large company could pony up its best sales job with the best perks to the winner. Contestants would be judged on their sales pitches. Although we’d probably still see the bad jokes, costumes and juggling. Judges for this gem could include Anthony Robbins, Ron Pompeil of Ronco’s ‘set it and forget it’ fame and Miss America (if she hasn’t had to resign in controversy yet).

Those are just a couple of poorly thought out ideas that could be pursued as Idol alternatives, should any studio exec be reading this. Although if they are, let me tell you briefly about my idea for a cop show where both detectives are emergency room doctors and can only speak in iambic pentameter. It will star David Spade as washed up cop Danny Spinucci and Roseanne Barr as aggressive, no-nonsense Captain Banner (veiled Star Spangled Banner reference intended). The show’s working title is “Stat,” but I’ve also thought of “Emergency Cops” and “Operation: Police.” I’m hoping to get Bob Newhart to play the meek and unconfident police chief, Dr. Detective.

Perhaps having Fred Willard read my company’s HR manual would be a bigger success. I know I’d gladly watch. One night of Idol and I’ve been reduced to writing about this. It looks like it will be on again tonight to ensure that an entirely different city’s worth of contestants won’t be able to show their faces at work or school tomorrow morning (or perhaps for the next month). Oh well, at least I know the Food Network will probably have a half dozen of Rachael Ray’s different shows on to watch tonight instead. Now that is entertainment!

If It Told You To Drive Off A Cliff, Would You?

Over the last few months, I have read a few reports of drivers who have ended up in very precarious positions (not like a compromised politician, mind you) because of their satellite navigation systems. If it helps, you can picture cars hanging off cliffs, cars in the middle of lakes or cars driving through senior citizen homes with all of the confused drivers scratching their heads wondering how the heck they got there. The latest, according to Reuters, was in Germany where a man ended up on railroad tracks after his navigation system told him to turn in a direction that put him on the tracks.

That’s where we as ‘fellow motorists’ have to be concerned. We are all driving around in our little cocoons practicing our defensive driving techniques while cars are swerving all around us doing solely what their satellite systems tell them to do. It sounds like a scene from a bad comedy. I can imagine that the cars are all narrowly avoiding collisions with each other through no cause of their own. Are these drivers only looking at the satellite display with no awareness of where they are or what’s around them? I’d say yes.

It is an obvious assumption to think that when the satellite unit tells us to turn left that we’d look left prior to making that turn. Apparently, that is not what is happening. Instead, drivers are turning left and looking up to discover that they have driven through a beauty parlor in the middle of the afternoon and have ruined gossip time for 2 dozen biddies. Oops!

Perhaps just as presidential candidates are busy starting ‘exploratory committees’ to see if they should run for president (do you think any of these ‘committees’ are going to come back and say that someone shouldn’t run for president, like they really should?), we should form a committee to see how to improve satellite navigation systems. According to this committee, adding only one feature to navigation systems would solve all of the problems. It’s a little warning signal: ‘Danger Will Robinson, Danger Will Robinson!’ Or how about a recording of Roseanne Barr screeching ‘you idiot, you idiot!’ You know, something simple that will get us drivers to look up and realize what we are doing.

Where is Michael Knight’s KITT when you need it? Maybe a warning device like this should be installed in every vehicle on the road to handle all of the people that read their papers while in gridlock traffic or apply their eye mascara while in the fast lane. How many times have you been on your cell phone while driving when you pull into your office’s parking lot wondering how you got there? You can be sure that the folks dealing with the wreckage left in your wake are wondering the same thing!

It seems that as our cars and the technology in them get smarter, many drivers are getting dumber. It is probably all just a byproduct of us letting our guards down under the assumption that the satellite unit will do the thinking for us. A similar thing happens when I drive with my wife. I end up in the wrong lanes, turn down the wrong street, make illegal u-turns, etc. Basically, you name a dumb mistake that can be done while driving with my wife and chances are I’m guilty of it. It happened again yesterday as I ended up in the lane next to me after going through an intersection (fortunately the guy in the Hummer next to me didn’t notice as he had drifted into another lane too, unless he was avoiding me. Gee, I hadn’t thought of that). Don’t think for a second that my excuse of telling her ‘I knew I was doing it, I just didn’t want to shock you by veering back into the correct lane,’ worked. Upon further review, it actually made the situation a little worse. Of course, that never happens when I drive by myself. Or is there just no one around to point out all of my mistakes?

Whoa, stop everything! How’d I get to Needles, California? Last time I checked I was just sitting in traffic with my mocha-double-latte-fresca-cappuccino-smoothie talking to my buddy on the cell phone while doing the crossword puzzle and blogging on my laptop. That’s so weird. I hope I didn’t hit anything…

‘Multiple’ Reasons To Freak Out!

Well, the wife and I decided to take in a movie last night. It was the National Geographic Channel’s premier of a show about the development of multiples in the womb. We figured as parents of multiples (i.e. Lucy and Ethel) that it would be exciting for us to see what they went through. So we thought. Two hours later we were both stupefied that they developed into the little ones they are today. It is all such an amazing process that you can either walk away spouting the miracles of development or scared to death about everything that has to go like clockwork to turn the little cell into a baby. We both agreed we were glad we hadn’t seen anything like this before Lucy and Ethel were born and that we didn’t tell our friends who are expecting twins about the show. Maybe sometimes, it’s better just not to know how something happens, you know?

The show begins from the moment the egg is fertilized (although every time they showed the sperm, I could swear they were playing the sounds of seagulls) and then follows the process through the cell’s division into twins and beyond. The program followed a mother of twins, a mother of triplets and a mother of quads, which were all identical in some freakish 1-600 million chance. It was neat to see how the different scenarios occurred to create twins or higher multiples, but as the embryo’s development progressed, you felt like just speaking might screw everything up. Apparently so many things happen in development that it seems it wouldn’t take much to have the whole process go wrong. In fact I’m pretty sure that I caught myself holding my breath a few times. It was helpful to see all the different crossroads of development that could have gone wrong to explain my quirky backwards being, but that’s another story. It also begs the question of why we decided to sit and watch this on a holiday weekend, but I’ll plead the 5th for that.

The development from conception through fetus is absolutely mind-boggling. I give you for example the approximately three weeks that we have gills and a tail and are on an evolutionary track to become Mr. Limpet instead of human. Or how about the fact that during development the brain produces literally millions of neurons each day to the point that when we are born we have billions. For the record, this is most likely where things went wrong for me. The special also explained how all of a sudden the cells that make up our heart just start beating randomly one day, which sets in motion a chain of events that get our circulatory system going. It also talked about the development of the eyes, the ears, how the embryo attaches to the lining of the uterus and a whole bevy of things that have to happen just right, but always seem to go fine.

Aiding all of the story telling were models and computer generated ‘inside the womb’ videos. Interestingly, every time they showed them, it sounded like a Sparklett’s bottle gurgling and whooshing. It made me think that if that’s really what it sounds like in the womb, Sparkletts and other bottled water makers have an entirely new younger market to target. “Bottled water, it’s the sound you grew up with.” (I guess I should have trademarked that before committing it to internet, oh well.) The viewer really got the sense of how cramped it can be for multiples as they start to get bigger. They explained in detail how multiples can compete for room and resources (like fuel, water, education and money, I guess) while inside the womb. Apparently I wasn’t that far off when I told my wife after one of Lucy and Ethel’s sonograms that it looked like they were having a boxing match. If only I’d put money on Lucy.

Of everything mentioned or shown during the two hours, perhaps the most intriguing fact was how often there is something called the ‘vanishing twin’ (which coincidentally is the name of a horror flick coming to theaters in October). It seems that midway through a pregnancy, one of the fetuses can get so deprived of what it needs (like credit and a college education) that it literally vanishes. The show said that sometimes the remnants of a vanished twin could be seen in the placenta (which I think is Latin for ‘meat pancake’) or when an empty embryonic sac is spotted during a sonogram. It is thought that some left handed people could have had a vanishing twin because of the way the development occurred. The idea of the vanishing twin brings up so many different issues that I’m probably better off not even thinking about it. Although it probably explains why I talk to myself so often. You know, maybe all people who speak of themselves in third person had a vanishing twin. It’s just a thought, but why else would someone talk about themselves as if they were a whole different person? Spooky, huh?

The show wrapped up neatly showing the birthing process, which for two of the three mothers meant a C-section. It was quite something to see my wife covering her eyes trying not to see the C-section as it showed the cutting of the uterus, plenty of blood and the doctor reaching inside and pulling out each baby. Although I guess that’s better than me covering my eyes during the ‘natural’ birth to avoid seeing the….uh, well, you know…fuzzy wuzzy…

Repost Sunday: Is There A Nomination Form For Sainthood?

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. This was originally posted October 25, 2006.

I read recently that the Pope named several new saints. Embarrassingly, I was not familiar with any of them, but it got me thinking of whom and what should be eligible for sainthood. Growing up Catholic, I was always reminded of St. Christopher every time we left for a family vacation when my mother said we needed to pray to him for a safe trip. I was also told about St. Anthony, the patron Saint of lost or stolen things. Although I might be abusing this saint’s time when I pray to him daily to help me find my favorite black ink pen that I constantly misplace around my office.

I don’t know how the Pope, Vatican, Electoral College or whoever it is nominates and votes on new saints, but I think there are several that the selection committee has overlooked. There are people who have completely altered the way we live and to the best of my knowledge, none of them are saints. If anyone from the Vatican is reading this, I’ve got a few folks who should be considered for sainthood.

Without a doubt, the first person is Juan Valdez – the Patron Saint of Caffeine, which a coworker of mine pointed out when she sent me an email stating that there is a special place in heaven for Juan Valdez. Just think about it, although if you’ve yet to pour your first cup of coffee for the day, you probably can’t think at all. Saint Juan of Valdez is responsible for our societies being able to start up every day.

Next would be the inventor of the toilet, Thomas Crapper – Patron Saint of Bodily Relievement (I can’t believe my spell check doesn’t think relievement is a real word!). If there were ever someone we need to thank our maker for, it would be Saint Thomas of Crapper. Just imagine what life would be like without his toilet, well not his toilet, I mean his invention, the toilet. Equally important is Willis Haviland Carrier. You probably don’t know who he was, but he invented the modern air conditioner and should become the Patron Saint of Home and Vehicle Cooling. Again, life would be a lot more uncomfortable, not to mention smelly, without him. Without Carrier’s contribution, we’d all smell and smell like garlic – ALL THE TIME! Speaking of garlic, (this is the worst segue ever, by the way) how many meals did you cook in the microwave this week? That’s why my next nomination for sainthood is Percy Spencer, the man who invented it. He should become the Patron Saint of Entrée Reheating.

Then there are Ray Kroc, Dave Thomas and Colonel Harlan Sanders. We all need to be grateful for their contributions to fast food. All three (I call them the Culinary Triumvirate) need to be named the Co-Patron Saints of Speedy and Convenient Nourishment. I’m using the word nourishment very loosely, but it sounds so much better than fast food. Lastly, Frank Sinatra should be named the Patron Saint of all Things Hip, Cool and Swinging, Too.

While you’d probably agree that all of these individuals are worthy of sainthood, there may be some (if not all) at the Vatican that don’t agree. Maybe we could compromise and create a hall or shrine to induct them into. It would be a category for mere mortals deemed to be just shy of deserving sainthood. We could have a huge annual induction ceremony where we honor them for their contributions to mankind. Why don’t we call them the Saintys? The little gold statues would depict a traditional saint complete with halo. Maybe someone will even broadcast the ceremony.

So there you have it. As society evolves and we reflect upon those who have sacrificed for the better good, it is time to consider broadening the definition of Saint. I don’t know that the Vatican has a website, but if they do, I hope there is a downloadable nomination form for Saints on it. Now what was the name of the guy that invented blogging?


**Author’s note: since I am Catholic, the answer is yes, I am wracked with guilt after writing this sacrilegious post about would-be Saints and will be attending the next confession closest to me**

Things I Learned This Week: 1/13/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason, always makes me look pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 1/7/07-1/13/07.

! I learned that I shouldn’t brag about how everyone in my house and everyone at work was sick and that I must possess some superhuman power because I didn’t catch anything. It just took me a few days longer than everyone else.

! I learned that when my wife allows her cat to sleep between us under the covers that no matter how much I cower and keep to my side of the bed, I’m still going to get bit.

! I learned that when a fish dies in our tank, it needs to be removed immediately to avoid prolonged discussions with four year olds about the meaning of life, eternity and heaven.

! I learned that companies make fireplace tools for a reason. Apparently fingers and hands are not meant to be the tools one uses to adjust logs upon the fire.

! I learned that I should not share with my coworkers that I’m skipping lunch with them so I can go buy more PEZ. Trust me, it’s wrong on so many different levels.

! I learned that Southern Californians are not prepared for snow or ice when it falls well below the normal higher elevations. You’d think we’ve never seen the stuff before.

And lastly,

! I learned that I should not bring in candy for the office to share when that same candy was given to me as a gift by a coworker (for Christmas three weeks ago).

Hypochondria And The Four Year Old (X2)

I haven’t often written at length about my twins Lucy and Ethel (not their real names of course, those have been changed to protect the somewhat innocent), however something has been going on with them the last few days that I finally deemed blogworthy. I hope you don’t mind, I was really short on ideas today.

No matter what spin I choose to put on it, Lucy and Ethel are hypochondriacs. As I haven’t been around a lot of four years olds, maybe this type of behavior is normal for that age. I really don’t know, but it’s starting to concern (and yes, annoy) me. I have no idea where they learned to make a big deal out of every scratch, scrape and boo-boo. Certainly not from me. While I may have been accused in the past of being one, I was exonerated of all accusations two summers ago when I had to have major, major surgery. It kind of wiped the slate clean, so to speak. Their latest episode concerns a few shots they had to receive in order to be registered for public school.

Going on day 4 of the post shot trauma, Lucy and Ethel are still acting as though the arms that received the shots do not work. They both are holding their arms close to their body as a bird would hold its broken wing. That is of course until something exciting happens, at which point they forget about the ‘pain’ and let the injured arm in question flail about. They are terrified of the band-aids coming off and keep acting as if this devastating incident has permanently changed their lives. As one of them walked into the bathroom the other day, I actually heard her grunt rather angrily that she would never get another shot again. I had to laugh since it’s exactly how a grumpy old man would act in the same situation. Needless to say, my laughter wasn’t appreciated.

As a father, I feel bad for them, up to a certain point. By now though, I figure it’s time to move on and get over the pain. I am also starting to worry that Lucy and Ethel will both lose the use of their band-aided arms due to atrophy. They will each move the wrists on those arms, but that’s it. You should see them try to give me five with just their wrists and minimal arm movement. I’ve tried to engage them in using their hurt arms, but both refuse. We were able to get the band-aids off last night by bribing them with chocolate. I knew that would work, as a chocolate bribe (cleverly hidden inside the ring box) was the same way that I persuaded my wife to marry me. It was comical when the band-aid came off. You could see the momentary flash of surprise on their faces when the removal didn’t hurt before they went back and resumed their crying. Hopefully the absence of band-aids and the sweet smell of chocolate adrift in the house will get us past this traumatic event.

It concerns me though that hypochondria may be a permanent character attribute for both of them. I had a doctor tell me a few months ago that the health provider network he works for did a study where they discovered that a very small percentage of their patients used the majority of their services. I certainly do not want Lucy and Ethel to fall into that small percentage. I have worked with hypochondriacs before and it gets very annoying to deal with. These are usually the unluckiest people in the world. In one year, they can catch the Avian Flu, Tuberculosis, get frostbitten, dyslexia and even be diagnosed as manic-depressive and illiterate. I guess I should feel more compassionate for someone so unlucky!

Not knowing where Lucy and Ethel got this characteristic from makes it hard to stop. I guess we will have to manage one illness at a time. I just wish I knew where they had seen this hypo-behavior so that I could cut it off at the source. Oh well, maybe it’ll get better with time. For now, I guess I’d better get going and make my own doctor’s appointment. It seems that with several people in the office currently sick and the twins coughing in my face for the last three weeks, I’ve come down with the Bubonic Plague…

200 Posts Later and Still Searching For Perfection

According to Blogger’s little login dashboard thingy, today is my 200th post. Since I just woke up and am feeling several feet under the weather, I had a lot of trouble coming up with something appropriate for this numerical occasion. After all, when our country turned 200, there was a parade of tall sailing ships and fireworks. Of course I do not have the resources for such extravagant luxuries, so I’m forced to post this…

As I began thinking of the last 199 posts (sadly, I could recall very few as being memorable), I found myself also thinking forward to tomorrow’s post, the next 50, the next 100, etc. I then wondered about that day (very long from now, of course) when I will post my last entry. Now, I’m not anal, but I do like to plan ahead, so I figured that I would just go ahead and write my final post now in lieu of something special for this 200th post and then put it in the can to be on the safe side. Has anyone else out there wondered about their final post? For my dignity, I’m surely hoping so.

It’s hard to predict why a certain post would be my last, but there are a few possible scenarios. The most obvious is that my wife would awake one morning to discover me sprawled out unconscious over my keyboard because I OD’d on blogging. Perhaps Lucy and Ethel discover how to hide my computer from me and I'm forced to quit blogging cold turkey. Another is that I finally created ‘the ultimate post’ – my Pet Sounds, Sgt. Pepper, or Mona Lisa, if you will. How will I know that I’ve finally reached my blogging perfection where it would make no use to try and top it? Easy, it’ll be the post where I finally and successfully combine the wit of Fred Willard and William Shatner, the humor of Johnny Carson, Bob Newhart and David Letterman, the music of the Beatles, the great story crafting of War and Peace and Willy Nelson’s Poncho and Lefty, the island imagery of Jimmy Buffett and the great taste that buttered lobster leaves in your mouth all into glorious written form. Obviously, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Will the final post be funny? Will it provoke deep thought or longing for a simpler time? Will it be sad? Should I thank all my blogging friends or apologize to my family for all the hours I’ve spent at my computer? Should I do one of those looking back things where I dredge up past posts? Maybe I should invite a guest writer? Perhaps I could leave my readers wanting more. I guess I could quote Lou Gehrig and say how I’m the luckiest man on the face of the earth. If I’m fortunate enough, there might even be someone reading that final post so I’d like to make it ‘worthwhile’ for them, if you get my point.

I’ve got it, the perfect ending to my blogging career whenever that happens. I will spell out the word goodbye with rocks and photograph it from the air. Then, at the very end of my final post, I’ll wake up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette and realize that every single blog post and comment I’ve ever made or read had all been a dream.

So there you have it, my final blog post for safe keeping whenever it’s needed. Boy, do I feel glad that little piece of business is all wrapped up. Now we should all huddle together for a group hug, turn out the lights and shuffle off the stage…

Hey, I Wondered Where That Went

I’ll preface what I’m about to write be because I think I’m coming down with something as I can feel the cloud of sickness moving over me (which is bound to happen when you have been coughed at in the face continuously by two 4-year olds for the last three weeks). However, with that being said, I have to ask if there was a tear in the space-time continuum or a “Do Good Deeds Several Years Too Late Day” recently? In the last 48 hours, I have read three different AP stories about things being returned to their rightful owners decades after they should have been. It’s great that all has been made right with the world, but it’s odd that it has all happened at the same time. It is events just like these that make me feel the urge to update my last will and testament and go back and restock my recently abandoned Y2K bunker!

In Ferndale, Pennsylvania earlier this week a man received a letter in his mailbox addressed to a previous occupant. The letter was dated and postmarked 1954! The man did not open the letter and has not been able to find any relatives of its intended recipient. Good thing it was a letter and not a utility bill. It was probably just something minor anyway, like a letter from the recipient’s long lost twin brother that he didn’t know he had. I can just imagine all the people that worked at the postal facility where the letter was apparently ‘lost.’ I’m sure that every few years a postal worker would find the letter wedged somewhere or sitting behind something, pick it up and then realize he didn’t want to be associated with the 50-year-old missing piece of mail. To distance himself from it, he would look around to make sure no one was watching and then drop it back behind something else. Finally, all these years later, a person bucking for promotion came across it and actually reported it. It reminds me (in a strange way) of the Cheers episode where Cliff and Norm sit in the bar reading all of the magazines and catalogs he was supposed to be delivering. I guess that’s the price you paid (literally) for service when standard shipping was only three cents. I’ve ordered things from Amazon.com and apparently selected the same shipping method as this letter without realizing it.

Next, I read about a man who got his missing wallet back after 60+ years. He had lost the wallet in Europe during World War II. It was found by a fellow American soldier and brought home to be returned to its rightful owner. He must have forgotten to do so because after he died, his son found the wallet in a drawer. Fortunately, this time the wallet’s owner could be found. There is no indication that the gentleman who returned the wallet took out a few dollars for his trouble. See, maybe there still are a few nice people in the world. Of course, his Diner’s Club card had been stolen, but he’s not complaining. I’m just kidding; it was his Aluminum American Express Card - the most elite card that AmEx could offer during the WWII rationing era.

Finally, to compound the bizarre trend of things from the past showing up out of thin air, there was the man who after almost 50 years decided it was time to return the book he checked out of his local library for a school assignment. He said his mother had originally misplaced it and then they would occasionally come across it but not return it. The AP story says the man is a seventh-grade teacher and wanted to set a good example so even though the library had long since written it off, he returned it…with a check for $171 to cover the late fees! Not only is there good in the world but there is still some honesty left too. It remains to be seen if the book, which was about Egypt, will be put back into circulation. Seeing as it is almost 50-years old and refers to the pyramids being built by volunteers, I doubt it.

I don’t know why the return of all these things happened so close together, but it’s quite a phenomenon. What will we do as things from our past reappear? Boy, could it get spooky if every time we turn around we find things that have been missing for years, like the collection of Smurfs I has a little kid. Awww shoot, did I just write that? There will no doubt be stories of people who keep trying to lose things on purpose but they keep showing back up (no, I’m not referring to our weight).

On the positive side, all of these stories give hope to everyone that has lost something that maybe it will eventually turn up in the hands of a good person willing to follow through and return it. Which reminds me, if you are the person who happens to find my dignity, my email address is listed on the links bar to the right…

Want To Get Away From It All? Get Yourself A Country.

I would never suggest something like that title if it weren’t true. According to Reuters, this time it is true. How would you like to own the apparently sovereign principality of Sealand? The island (it’s a generous explanation because it looks more to me like the wreckage of Blofeld’s off shore oilrig from ‘Diamonds Are Forever.’ Maybe something happened to the rest of it?) was built during World War II as a fortification against German bombers. In 1967, a retired army officer purchased the two tower, 16-room ‘island.’ But that’s not all; tell them what else they get: a Sealand flag, constitution, postage stamps, national anthem, and even Sealand coinage. No, they are not chocolate medallions. Wikipedia (I really did my research this time) says that as a principality, Sealand has to be transferred instead of sold, but it can still be yours!

What a great comeuppance to those pesky neighbors down the street who seem to have everything and flaunt it at every opportunity. Wouldn’t it be great to shut them up by inviting them for a quiet weekend in your very own country? Seriously, how could you not resist doing that? Whoever successfully takes possession of this small country needs to be researched thoroughly. I joked about James Bond earlier, but really, this is how dictators and world domination mongers get a foothold. First, you give them some money, then you give them a base of operations and before you know it, they are making space ships disappear and building fake volcanoes and miniature exact DNA replicas of themselves. Autonomy is just the shelter they need.

Power is a strange drug that can go to people’s heads. It’s often been said that you give a tyrant an island and you’re giving them the world. OK, I made that up, but it’s good, don’t you think? The availability of Sealand is really a unique event since there can’t be too many more small islands on earth that can still be bought up and made autonomous. Well, OK, at least there aren’t that many that Disney hasn’t bought up to be used as destinations for their cruises. Unfortunately, the domain of small independent countries is probably only open to the very wealthy. Does anyone know if lending institutions grant loans for the purchase and establishment of new countries? I guess I could always sign a bunch of pledges up to sponsor me in a walkathon to raise enough money to buy Sealand. The only problem with that is that I would actually have to walk from my home in Southern California to Sealand (somewhere off the coast of England) to get anywhere near enough money to afford the country. My guess is that somewhere near the Arizona border I would either decide to quit or drop dead from exhaustion, so that option is out. I had already thought of approaching friends and relatives to become investors, but that’s just going to end up in messy litigation when I attempt to change the name of my newly purchased country to Funlandia or Happy Time Isle…

Now if I only could find a way to purchase Sealand, because I have a lot of great ideas to share with you. I would finally be able to institute my failed Funday initiative (hence my wanting to name the country Funlandia) that would effectively ban Mondays from the Sealand calendar forever. I could make the official bird the plastic pink flamingo and finally make ‘Brandy’ by The Looking Glass our National Anthem. My country would completely stop for the Daytona 500 and believe me; my country would send a curling team to the Winter Olympics and a bowling team to the Summer Olympics. What, there’s no bowling in the Olympics? (Note to my foreign deputy minister: prepare petition on behalf of my country to get bowling instituted as an Olympic exhibition event).

In my small autonomous country, stretch pants would be declared punishable by fines and the ‘Just Because They Make It In Your Size Doesn’t Mean You Should Wear It Law’ would be passed and enacted. Unfortunately, I would have to declare war, which obviously will be the first controversial act of my nation. It won’t be a war of revolution or religion though. It will be a war on crappy reality TV. We’ll probably lose it, be forced to surrender and be internationally disgraced for a time, but I guess those are the chances you take as a young country.

I promise that our new nation will conduct itself with grace and dignity, never wear white after Labor Day or socks with sandals. I think this will get us admitted to the UN, but my sleazy lawyer disagrees saying something about international law, diplomacy, legitimacy and he keeps using the phrase ‘a real country.’ Whatever! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Sealand on the map and finish writing my business plan for world domination. Uh, I mean ownership of a small autonomous country…Bwahahaha!!

A Hunka Hunka Burning Birthday Candles

The year was 1935. The surviving twin baby boy was Elvis. Yep, today marks what would have been (or what is, depending on what you believe) Elvis’ 72nd birthday. No matter what you thought (or again, what you think) of him, Elvis remains one America’s most iconic figures. His career spanned three distinct phases, all of which left a mark on our culture. There was his raw and shocking early career where he seemed to challenge middle America with every move of his hips, his forgettable 60s movie roles and lastly his Vegas jumpsuit era which is probably how most now picture him. Ok, enough of the tribute, let’s get on to the good stuff. So, pull up a chair, shoot out the TV and fry up a peanut butter and banana sandwich (which I will admit is actually pretty tasty, despite spending the night in the hospital for an emergency angioplasty after eating one).

Out here in lovely Southern California, the Nixon Presidential Library is getting in on the Elvis birthday action. The AP says that the library opened an exhibit today chronicling the December 1970 meeting of the former President and King of Rock and Roll. The exhibit features the outfits that both men were wearing (I wonder which weighed more, the all wool suit, or Elvis’ jumpsuit) and the gun that Elvis gave to Nixon. Of course, the photo of the two of them shaking hands in the Oval Office has become a very recognizable image and the AP story actually says that it is the number one most requested image from the National Archives. See, who says you can’t generate interest in American politics. Release a photo of Paris Hilton and President Bush and watch the interest peak.

I can’t help but look at that photo and think of Batman and Police Commissioner Gordon. It’s in the Oval Office, Nixon looks very ‘Presidenty’ and Elvis looks like a caricature in his jumpsuit and cape. Now tell me, how many other famous people can you think of who have the confidence (or perhaps audacity) to meet the President while wearing a cape? Not even Barbara Streisand, I bet. Although for public entertainment purposes, maybe every Oval Office visitor should be required to wear a sequined cape. It could have the Presidential Seal on it and you could buy replicas at Presidential libraries or the White House gift shop. Do you think Elvis offered to buy Nixon a Cadillac in order to get his drug enforcement badge?

Growing up a young impressionable Elvis fan left me with a few things to overcome as I grew up. You can imagine my surprise during my first few dates in high school when I realized that not every date was going to culminate with a campy song and dance number on the beach. It’s too bad really, because I always arrived prepared with my trusty cheap acoustic guitar and sidekick by my side. My first hint should have been that I wasn’t a racecar driver, circus performer, army soldier stationed in Germany or fishing boat captain. Plus, Ann Margaret was never with me. Looking back now, it seems that every date ended the moment I began to serenade the girl with a lyrically challenged sub-par 60s pop tune. Oh well, it’s not my fault that these girls had no sense of excitement and no appreciation for really bad campy mid 60s romance! Those fools! I bet they’re lonesome tonight…

What else can you say about a performer who’s actions were so threatening to Eisenhower’s America that he had to perform ‘Hound Dog’ on the Steve Allen show to an actual hound dog while clad in a tux and tails? Can you imagine a performer today only being filmed from the waste up during a performance? That prudish Ed Sullivan! No matter what you want to say about the King, at least he provided the blueprint for living a life of excess for all that tried to follow in his footsteps.

How cool would it be to step into Elvis’ shoes (ok, I’ll say it: his blue suede shoes – are you happy now?) for just one day? Where else would it be ok to have a department store open up in the middle of the night just for my friends and me? I could buy large gas guzzling sedans for complete strangers. Or how about naming my residence, putting a silhouette of me on the front gates and building a ‘jungle room’ in it? If it was fun to shoot out a TV 30 years ago, how much more exciting would it be to fire a round into a plasma TV today? The sideburns, the glasses, the ‘j-suits,’ the girls, the jet-black hair, this guy was cool. Unfortunately, because of his excesses, we often overlook just how good a singer he really was. This cat had pipes, especially late in his career. Maybe a great voice is the side affect of bloating up like the girl who ate the candy and turned blue in Willy Wonka.

If he had survived those last fatal moments in the bathroom and was around to turn 72 today, what would he be like? Suspicious minds want to know. Would he have remarried later in life to someone who would have tamed him ala Sinatra or George Jones? Would he still be dying his hair or would he have pulled a Bob Barker by now and be sporting an all grey pompadour? Would he have slapped his daughter silly when she married Michael Jackson?

If he was still singing, would it be popular or a musical after thought. Yes, he’d probably still be playing in Vegas to huge crowds and he’d probably have a theater in Branson named after him. Maybe he would’ve taken up golf or become a spokesman for Cadillac (or Skippy Peanut Butter). I can just imagine the signature Elvis Escalade now complete with custom medallion rims and ‘TCB take care of business in a flash’ lightening bolt pin striping. He could be the featured performer one week on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ or ‘American Idol.’ If he were alive though, would Graceland be open to the public? What type of videos would he have attempted during the era of the music video? Would he have completely made the switch to country radio? Would Elvis have made cameos in ‘Airplane’ or ‘Cannon Ball Run?’

There are so many questions that will never be answered. If Elvis were still around today, there would be a couple of sure things we’d definitely know the answers to. The National Enquirer would be sorely lacking a longtime story to follow and Elvis would probably be on his third artificial hip by now. Happy Birthday Elvis, wherever you are, or aren’t…

Repost Sunday: MP3 Players Tell No Tales

I rerun some of my older posts on Sundays as a way to highlight stories that you may have missed. Just think of it as 'thought recycling' and a day off, or that I am incredibly, incredibly lazy. This was originally posted September 15, 2006.

A realization hit me on my daily walk today as Kenny Rogers began on my MP3 player. It wasn’t that the gambler made me think, it was his song “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” I love the song and was walking down the street getting my exercise and singing along. I normally don’t sing or mouth along to songs when I walk, but during this moment I was and became self-conscience as motorists sped by me grinning at the idiot singing that particular song while walking. Here I am trying to stay in shape and I’m singing “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers.” Next came Kenny and Dolly singing “Islands in the Stream” and I’m still singing.

I started to think that as embarrassing as it was, I really had only myself to blame. It’s not like I bought an album for one good song that happened to have all those other songs on there or someone else placed them on my MP3 player as a joke. Nope, I downloaded them onto my player because I wanted to listen to them. As this stream of thought continued, I started thinking about the other songs and artists on my player: Roger Miller, The Carpenters, John Denver and countless others that many people have never heard of or pretend not to have heard of. Right then and there I realized that I never want anyone to end up with my MP3 player.

Geez, what if I keeled over while walking, had no ID on me and someone listened to my MP3 player to get a better idea of who I was? Do I really want my lasting impression to be that I was the guy who died while listening to “Daytime Friends and Nighttime Lovers?” Do I want my MP3 player to still be playing “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald,” or “Rainy Days And Mondays?” Of course not!

I’m sure this is a pretty common phenomenon among the multitude of MP3 and Ipod users out there. Would many of them really want the musical skeletons in their closet exposed? Do they really want the world to know that they listen to Andy Gibb singing “I Just Want To Be Your Everything,” or Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock?” If discovered, it could completely shatter their reputation.

“Hey Phil, they’re goes our new co-worker Katie. Rumor has it she has The Bee Gees and Helen Reddy on her Ipod!”

“Oh, I know Susie. I heard that Johnny up in accounting heard her singing along to ‘Alone Again Naturally,’ during her walking break today.”

“Oh, I would be soooo embarrassed if I were her. Can you just imagine?”

Here’s the problem though, do you play what you want to or what others would expect you to listen to? I don’t know about you, but I will choose what I want to listen to every time. I love music and if I like it, it’s good enough for me. There is no reason for anyone to be ashamed of their musical tastes. But let me say this, you can be darn sure the only way you’ll get my MP3 player from me if the Captain and Tennille are downloaded on it is by prying it out of my cold, dead hand! For me and my MP3 player full of non-hip tunes, love will truly keep us together.


(Editor’s note: the songs mentioned in this blog are done so for storytelling purposes only, they have no factual basis in my listening life, no really)

Things I Learned This Week: 1/6/07

Because I want to spare you from experiencing some of the things I endured over the last few days, I post “Things I Learned This Week” each Saturday. It’s educational, sometimes insightful and for some reason, always makes me look pathetic. I hope that at least one item on this list will make your upcoming week much easier. So here are the “Things I Learned This Week” for the week of 12/31/06-1/6/07.

! I learned that even though I haven’t bothered to plan a thing for my wife and I for New Year’s Eve, I should at least try to pretend I did for her sake. I don’t think she appreciated my detailed answer of ‘Um, no. Why, did you want to do something tonight?’

! I learned that no matter how grumpy I am to be back at work after the time off during the holidays, I should not enter the office by saying ‘OK, here’s the deal, I don’t want to be here and try not to bother me until after lunch. Oh yeah, did anyone make coffee yet?’ While it was effective in keeping people out of my cubicle for a while, I fear it may have repercussions for my workplace relationships…

! I learned that whenever we go out to eat as a family, I should just order two dishes of my favorite meal and not get something different for Lucy and Ethel. They end up eating what I ordered no matter what’s on their plate. Unfortunately, despite the love I have for my children, I don’t share food well.

! I learned that my work friend and I should not take ‘female coworker’ for a walk during our lunchtime ever again. I learned new expletives that I couldn’t even use in a seedy bar or naval vessel!

! I learned not to turn my back towards my cousin while having family snowball fights. I think the swelling on the back of my head has finally gone down though.

! I learned to never again go walking in the morning when there is a very heavy fog. Every time I looked out of the corner of my eyes, I thought I was passing out.

And lastly,

! I learned that when my daughter is really sick and my wife is upstairs with her, I should stop reading other people’s blogs and at least go up and sit with them. This is true no matter how well under control she appears to have the situation!

It’s Pulled Pork Time In Georgia!

A Georgia resident recently shot an 1100-pound wild hog says the Associated Press. The man shot the animal when he spotted it in a neighbor’s yard. After shooting the hog, he took it to a weight station to see just how big it was. This guy is just like me. Whenever I kill something, my first reaction is to drag it to the closest scale. Unfortunately, flies, mosquitoes and moths don’t weigh that much so the thrill is kind of lacking. Although it’s still not determined whether this hog is the biggest ever found in Georgia, it does weigh a few hundred pounds more than the famous ‘Hogzilla’ that was killed a few years ago. I guess that makes this pig Mothra-hog?

It is now hanging from a tree in the man’s front yard, which is a good thing since houses always seem to look so bare after all the Christmas lights and decorations are taken down. The fact that it’s a dead obese animal and will probably start to have a horrible stench within the next few days is completely irrelevant, of course. I can’t think of a better way to keep those pesky neighborhood kids from running through your lawn than a dead feral pig swaying from a tree.

There is apparently no confirmation yet as to whether or not the hunter will have the hog stuffed and displayed as a trophy. Regardless, taxidermists from Georgia to Florida are probably clearing their calendars for the next week. I imagine that the National Enquirer is already stopping the presses (do they still do that) and readying a story about how the first flying pig has been found after it died in-flight and plunged to the ground. I can see the headline now: “Captured Flying Pig Prompts Scientists to Search For Cows In Lunar Orbit.” Sorry, that was the best I could do. It’s late and the power has gone out here three times tonight due to the wind…

I wonder how feral pork (another great name for a rock band, perhaps) tastes. It’s a good bet that there are a few BBQ joints that wouldn’t mind finding out. You know, I spent most of New Year’s Eve cutting back the peach tree in my backyard so that I could start smoking pork and beef with delicious peach wood. Hey, I’ve got an idea; maybe I could sell the BBQ joints some of my dried peach wood. What did you think I was going to say? After all, I wouldn’t want to take a chance on wild hog meat. Besides, imagine the shipping costs…

Predictions For The New Year

For the last few weeks, I have been reading people’s takes on the passing of 2006. I say it’s now time to focus on the future and look to what we have in store for 2007. Besides, it’s a lot easier to make stuff up that might happen than to have to research and report on what really occurred in 2006. So, on to my predictions for 2007.

Personal Predictions
I predict that I will come home from a rough day at work one day to see all of my friends and family waiting for me in the living room. I will open the front door and realize that I’ve walked into an intervention. At that point, all of the people I care about will begin to detail how I need to stop blogging because of all the time it takes me away from doing other things and that my writing has become an embarrassment to my family. I will obey them for a few days and then return to blogging. I also predict that my twins Lucy and Ethel will continue to act 50 and ask me about some of life’s most philosophical questions like why is the sun yellow. When I give them the best answer I can they will still tell me that I am wrong. However, I won’t get mad because they are so darn cute.

Entertainment Predictions
I predict that there will be more of the same poor excuses for entertainment in 2007 as there always have been, with a few notable exceptions. Since the game show revival has about run its course, I predict that network executives will bring the Gene Rayburn show Match Game back to TV. It will be called ‘Match Game 07’ and will be hosted by either Tom Bergeron or Richard Hamilton. Panelists will include Charles Nelson Reilly (I think he’s still alive), Fred Willard, Adam West, Oliver North, Tammy Faye, Englebert Humperdink, William Shatner and Morgan Fairchild. It will truly be an awesome collection of this nation’s finest talent. To add the extreme element that has pervaded today’s game shows, one important change will be implemented. When a panelist gives a wrong answer, the contestant can shoot them. Sadly, it will be cancelled in the middle of its second week.

Inspired by the success of The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show, Elvis Presley Enterprises will launch an all Elvis version. Unfortunately, it will feature music and interpretations of his great classic 60s movies like “Girl Happy,” “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “The Trouble With Girls” and of course, “Kissin’ Cousins.” There will also be an accompanying CD of his movies’ most popular tunes like “Return To Sender” and “The Ft. Lauderdale Chamber Of Commerce” that were remixed and blended for the show. The show will be called ‘Elvis: How To Waste The Prime Of Your Career Du Soleil.” Sadly, it too will be cancelled in the middle of its second week.

Lastly, I am predicting that Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan will record a duet titled “Come Here Baby, I’m Drunk.” Despite its embarrassing lyrics, it will remain on the charts for weeks, buoyed by its suggestive and racy video that features a cameo by Wayne Newton.

Cultural Predictions
PEZ will finally release its “Kings Of The Late Night Talk Show” series AND it will include Chevy Chase and Pat Sajaak. I am also predicting that the big word of 2006, ‘truthiness,’ will be replaced by ‘erroneous.’ It will catch on quickly and be used in the following ways:
“Dude, this pizza tastes erroneous.”
“She looks so hot in that t-shirt, she’s just erroneous.”
“Hey man, who erroneated my homework?”

Top News Predictions
2007 will be the hottest year on record (actually, this one is true). Contributing factors will be global warming and the ramping up of the 2008 presidential election. I am also predicting that another 34 individuals will announce their candidacy for president. Some of the notables will be Bob Dole, Al Franken, Chris Matthews, Pink, Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump (just to tick off Rosie), Ben Stein, and the guy who provides the voice of Stewie from FOX’s “The Family Guy.” Another huge story in 2007 will be the selection of Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. It will be ‘Everyone Who Wasn’t Named When We Selected You As Our 2006 Person of the Year.’

Congressional lawmakers will contribute to a big 2007 news event. This time it will have nothing to do with sex or money but will still involve complete ineptitude. Under pressure from the lobbyists of large retail chains like Target, a bill will be drafted to make the Christmas holiday begin July 5th and end on Memorial Day weekend. The bill will actually be passed and made into law when both houses of congress hastily approve it (and a bill making Alfred E. Newman the face of the new one dollar bill) before leaving for their recess.

So there you have it, my predictions for 2007. It should be a heck of a year. Although, if any of these come true (or don’t come true, for that matter) please don’t blame me. I’d rather keep repeating 2004! Happy New Year…

Stop Eating? Yeah, That’s The Ticket! Or Is It?

According to the Associated Press, the main reasons for subway delays in New York over the last year were track problems, signal problems and illness; specifically fainting passengers. Was it something in the air you ask? Of course not, it was dieters who were fainting. Now I need a daily nap as much as anyone does, but that is just ridiculous.

With the coming of the New Year and 1 out of every 3 people (no, that’s not statistical data, just a guess in the dark) resolving to get in shape or lose weight, the subject of fainting dieters is a timely topic. People go a day or so without eating to lose some quick weight and then they get dizzy on the subway and pass out. I guess it’s better they take public transportation rather than driving themselves. The problem with the side affect of this dieting trend is that whenever someone takes what I will refer to as a ‘diet nap,’ the conductor has to remain with the fallen until emergency personnel arrive. Hence, the otherwise unnecessary delays for all of the people who choose to feast and not blackout every time there is movement around them. When these innocent eating bystanders are late to work, do you really think that the excuse “some really weak and sick looking thin person passed out again and the subway got delayed” is going to cut it? Sadly, I doubt it.

I have had to lose weight before, as have many people I know. I know a few that are struggling with weight loss or maintaining their weight loss now. As a high school and college student, I worked at Jenny Craig as a stock clerk. You can imagine my joy when I was 3 days into my summer vacation and enjoying my new driver’s license with all of the privileges it brings. You can then imagine how quickly my joy diminished when my mom, who I had driven to her Jenny appointment because she had just undergone eye surgery, ran outside to tell me that she had just gotten me a job. I spent the rest of that summer working 40 hours a week for Jenny Craig and remained there for almost 5 years until my last year of college, but that’s a little off the point. Sorry, I was just trying to establish some credibility as an expert. I’m sure I failed.

While there, I was responsible for stocking (as the job title implies) all of the shelves and freezers with the deliciously tiny portions of expensive dietary meals. I also got to package up each client’s order and walk it out to them as they weighted, I mean waited in the lobby. I got to know many of them on a first name basis since we saw each other every week. These were people who were very serious about their weight loss and many succeeded. However, despite all of the diets I saw and witnessed while working for a weight loss center, I think I found a diet idea last night that may be even better than starvation or professional weight loss counseling and carefully portioned meals.

The diet light bulb went off for me last night while we dined at our favorite Italian restaurant, or restaurante to sound more culturally keen. While we sat at our table awaiting our generous family style portions, I looked up at all of the kitschy photos around us. There it sat, the next great idea in weight loss: a picture of what had to be a 500-pound man in an obviously handmade, tailored 3 piece striped suit. While the suit was very nicely made, it did nothing to hide this gentleman’s extensive girth. Just witnessing that one photo alone kept us from overeating at the restaurant (or restaurante if you prefer). It brought back memories for me of being at Jenny Craig and hearing about dieters who put photos of themselves at their heaviest on the fridge or a picture of something that made them not want to eat.

It’s a cheap and easy way to try to curb your appetite. The best thing is that it works on a physiological level, which is where many people get into trouble with overeating, I think. Granted I’m not a doctor but I did bump into one yesterday. It’s like they say; your eyes are bigger than your stomach. The whole idea is that if we can make the eyes less hungry, surely the stomach will follow.

Now if we can just get all of the people starving themselves to buy into this, they can lose weight a safer way and we can keep people from dropping like flies on our public transportation. That will get people to work on time and increase our productivity which I’m sure will make housing prices and the cost of gasoline go down, right?

Something Tells Me These Two Babies Will Be Bottle Fed

A dubious record was broken over the weekend. A 67-year old woman in Spain became the proud (I guess that would be the description for it) mother of twins. The previous record for giving birth was 66. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that’s the age where most women become grandparents. I guess this lady’s biological clock is running just a little slow. It must’ve been a slow-rise bun in the oven. Maybe the stork got lost somewhere over the Atlantic. She never ‘expected’ this. Perhaps in Spain the gestational period is just a little bit longer. Ok, I’m sorry that’s all I have. You know what they say though; better late than never. Now I’m done, I promise.

The story I read didn’t mention if she has any other children. For her new children’s sake, let’s hope so. I can barely handle twins and I’m over 30 years younger than this mom is. At 67, just picking them up can cause excruciating pain. On the other hand, when she becomes hard of hearing it’ll be a plus since she won’t be able to hear the incessant whining and crying that can come with newborns and toddlers. As her twins are learning to walk with the use of a child’s walker, she’ll be using one too. They’ll form a walking support group like the support groups they try to foster at Weight Watchers. She’ll definitely get her exercise so she’d better keep up on her osteoporosis supplements.

You know, I began this post ready to point out all the negatives of becoming such an old parent. I should rephrase that since all parents become old, but you know what I mean. However, the more I think about this record-breaking geriatric birth, the more I think it may be an unforeseen blessing. When you bring your newborns home, the first thing you sacrifice is sleep. This is even more so for parents of newborn twins (trust me, I was a walking sleep deprived zombie for Lucy and Ethel’s first four months). Of all the aging people I know (granted it’s not a huge list and it keeps getting shorter), it seems like the majority of them can’t stop complaining about how they never need to sleep much anymore. Can you think of a better lifestyle for dealing with newborns? The less you sleep the less of an inconvenience it is to have to wake up every three hours for feedings and diaper changes.

That reminds me, I haven’t mentioned the feeding aspect yet. Over the next couple of years, the twins will progress towards eating mush and soft food as they prepare for solids. That will most likely overlap with their mother’s move away from solid foods to softer textured foods. If she can acquire the taste of her twins’ baby food as the two cycles meet, she’ll save a ton on her monthly grocery bills. There is no doubt that her laundry needs will be reduced if she finds herself in Depends at the same time her twins are in diapers. She won’t have to spend so much time laundering undergarments, which saves not only the time but also money on her electric or gas bills. As we all know, that stuff gets really important when on a fixed income.

At 67, most folks are retired so the need to find babysitters or get time off work to take care of your kids is negated. In fact, these twins will receive more attention from their mother than most children will because their mom can be home all day and is probably on a retirement or pension to boot. The more you look at it, the more attractive parenting at an older age becomes. Now if the bingo parlor would only install a day care center, the 67-year-old mommy could live every senior’s dream. What will we call this new aging mommy phenomenon if it catches on though? How does ‘Rocker Mom’ sound?

Happy New Year 2007!

Happy New Year To All!!

I hope 2007 is good to you and yours. Well, I figure after 7 years it’s safe for me to exit my Y2K bunker. It’s a good thing too. I opened the last can of Spam from my rations box last night. Thank God for being able to buy in bulk! I can’t wait to see blue skies again and feel the warmth of the sun. I hear they make cars now that run on electricity and gas. They’re called hybrids or something like that. Maybe I’ll get to see one when I climb out.

Happy New Year!