Bullet Points – It’s Like Cheating For A Writer

Usually when I announce that I’m going to write in bullet or list form, that should be taken as ‘I want to write today but have nothing engaging, or intelligible, to say. So, with that being said, I am going to be writing in bullet or list form today…

* Today is Mother-In-Law Day. I know what you’re thinking, and it caught me a little off guard too: Isn’t Mother-In-Law Day on October 31^st when we normally celebrate witches?

* We can put up fake skeletons sticking out of the ground at all angles to decorate for Halloween, but I put out 3 meals worth of real chicken bones to get the neighborhood into the spirit and people call me troubled?!

* I wonder why more couples don’t play Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares To You” at their weddings.

* Jeremiah was in fact a bullfrog, but he was not a good friend of mine.

* I’ve often wondered how Barry Manilow feels knowing that Cher could kick his a$$ if the need to do so every arises?

* They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Is this still true if someone is your enemy because they have terrible body odor or bad breath?

* I’m not sure I should crave cottage cheese every time my 3 month old spits up on me.

* I had a horrible dream that I was being attacked my thousands of little Disney Princesses and that they were all following me. Then I realized I was just at Disneyland.

* Can an Italian restaurant serve food without playing Sinatra or Tony Bennett? Would it taste worse or something?

* Does anyone else ever get the urge to photo bomb a crime scene?

* Does anyone else find that they have to enunciate REALLY well every time they say the word “fish sticks?”

* I hear that Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. Though when he does it, I think it should be called Pudding Hop.

WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING??

My very good friend Kat just informed me a little while ago that today is International Caps Lock Day. SO, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY EVERYBODY!

NOW IS IT JUST ME OR DO YOU RAISE THE LEVEL OF YOUR INTERNAL MONOLUGE SEVERAL DECIMALS WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS? I KNOW IT FREAKS SOME PEOPLE OUT, SO I PROBABLY SHOULD NOT OVERDUE IT. I GOTTA TELL YOU THOUGH THAT IT’S VERY, VERY, OH SO VERY TEMPTING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST IN THE ALL CAPS STYLE!

WAIT, IS ALL CAPS ACTUALLY A STYLE LIKE SAY CALLIGROPHY OR CURSIVE ARE A STYLE? IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WROTE IN ALL BLOCK LETTERED CAPS FOR ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AND PAPERS. IT WAS CONSIDERED VERY NEAT AND UNLIKE WHEN USING ALL CAPS FOR EMAIL, NO ONE EVER ACCUSED ME OF YELLING.

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE ABOUT TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT YOU USUALLY ARE SO USED TO HITTING THE SHIFT KET AT THE START OF EVERY SENTENCE THAT THE FIRST LETTER OF ALL YOUR SENTENCES ENDS UP LIKE THIS: tO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY NAME IS mICHAEL, ETC., ETC…. THEN YOU JUST END UP LOOKING LIKE IN IDIOT.

I’M GOING TO WRAP THIS UP NOW BECAUSE I AM FINDING IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING WITH ALL OF THIS YELLING. SERIOUSLY, AFTER READING THIS, NO ON ELSE HEARS THAT BELL RINGING? WHAT?? OH, I THOUGH YOU SAID SOMETHING. SORRY.

(NOW PLEASE GO AHEAD AND FEEL FREE TO LEAVE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS IN THE CLASSIC ALL CAPS STYLE…)

This One’s Kinda Cheesy…

If you’re a cheese lover, there’s really only one dessert for you, right? Yep, a nice fondue. However, this post isn’t about fondue, though it is about another cheese related dessert: the cheesecake. To me, it’s my favorite type of cake. Granted, I prefer pie, key lime is my favorite and my birthday is December 24th, just in case you are scoring at home. But If there were such a thing as a beefcake, I might change my mind. I mean, I know there is a word called beefcake, but that is an entirely different subject. Uh, let me get back to the cheesecake. I bring all of this up for a good reason. According to The Cheescake Factory chain of eating establishments, not only is today humping day, today is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day! I’ve never actually heard of this day before (not that it’s stopped me from writing about semi-real holidays) but given the title of the Cheesecake Factory’s name, I am going to trust the source.

I know it’s Fall, except for in Southern California where it is a chilly 87 degrees as I write this, and everyone goes all pumpkiny this time of year. And yes, pumpkiny is a real word, though I am hedging my bets that you will not take the time to look it up, thereby allowing me to maintain that pumpkiny is a real word. During Fall we all go crazy for Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin patches, carved pumpkins. So, it really is the perfect time to celebrate this holiday. And that’s exactly what I did. To celebrate National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, I went out and bought an entire box of Hot Pockets. I WANTED the pumpkin cheesecake, but the Hot Pockets just looked so good. Though I did take that picture I used for this story.

However, don’t let the way I chose to celebrate keep you from celebrating with an actual pumpkin cheesecake. I made a pumpkin pie this past weekend and knew what would happen if I brought home a nice glossy mass-produced pumpkin cheesecake. My pumpkin creation would have the cheesecake placed next to it in the fridge and then every time I open the fridge for dessert I would grab the cheesecake. And then when I open the fridge to put something back after using it, I would push my homemade pumpkin pie out of the way and by Thanksgiving, when I open the fridge to find room for this year’s Turducken (crossing my fingers of course that this will finally be the year I get to try Turducken), I’d discover the old and moldy pumpkin pie that I so lovingly made with my own hands and somewhat fresh…ly canned ingredients. Let’s face it; no one really wants that to happen, which is why I did not bring home a pumpkin cheesecake. Well, because of that and the hot pockets thing….

So, happy Pumpkin Cheesecake Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try to get an executive with The Cheesecake Factory to take my call so I can get paid for this ringing endorsement and numerous product mentions I made for their pumpkin cheesecake. Let me clear, I have been talking about pumpkin cheesecake, which is available at The Cheesecake Facory. One more time: that’s pumpkin cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. The main points here are 1. pumpkin cheesecake and 2. the Cheesecake Factory. Though if you wish, you could interchange them to 1. the Cheesecake Factory and 2. pumpkin cheesecake.

Cheesecake Factory

Pumpkin cheesecake


****If you were in and out of conscience as you were reading this, much in the same way I was while typing it, you can hear the audio version of this post here.

Two In One Day? (That's What She Said)

I recorded a second podcast today. To be all perfectionistic, I even made little note cards (ok, they were light blue Post Its that I stuck up all over the computer monitor, if you must know!). I wrote down all the topics I wanted to discuss so I would be prepared. It didn't work...

So, here is my second podcast for today...

Mondays Suck...And So Does This Podcast

Well my friends and enemies, we've made it to another Monday and only 6 more days til the next one! So, let's really live it up until the evil day comes around again.

I had attempted to assist you with this weekday enjoyment project by making another podcast which, as I have asserted before, is not me being lazy or taking the easy way out instead of writing here like I used to. Besides, there is no such thing as laziness, only Body Energy Conservation. If we have learned nothing else from Al Gore, it's that we need to conserve and be more responsible citizens. I'd like to think I did my part.

I can't believe it's already this late in October. It seems like just yesterday we were welcoming in this new year and I was excitedly telling anyone who would listen about my plans to bring back the denim overall into its once prominent fashion status. And good news folks: I've decided to do the same in 2010! Not because I failed in 2009, but because I have decided it's a multi-pronged project. For instance, prong 1: 2009. Prong 2: 2010. It's Like that.

OK, today's podcast really deals with none of the things I have just discussed, which hopefully will make you enjoy it even more. So, Happy $#^$%#%$ Monday and here's today's podcast...

Hey, I Remembered I Have a Podcast Site Thing

So, I decided after just under two years that I would try to podcast again. I know what you're thinking, but the fact that podcasting involves even LESS typing than Facebook or Twitter has nothing to do with it!! Gheesh, I blog, am on Facebook, I twitter AND now podcast? I'm pretty sure this makes me a social media whore. Or perhaps, a SMORE?

Nothing too exciting in this podcast, but if you make it through the first 2 minutes, the last 3 get slightly better, much in the same way that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is only slightly better than the real thing...

In this latest installment, you can hear a few "that's what she saids," several dozen "ums" and my take on why it's called a "podcast." If you listen, I promise you $1 million bucks...in friendship dollars, only redeemable with me.

So, here is my latest podcast...

It's National Grouch Day, Dammit

Well, I awoke this morning to learn that today is National Grouch Day.  I sat down to write something from a grouch's perspective, but I can't.  After all, 30 Rock's season 4 premieres tonight.  So, I will just leave you with this grouch quiz.  Who in the montage do you think is the grouchiest?  Warning, I may have slipped one or two in there to throw you off.  So, I hope you have a horrible National Grouch Day.  Get it?  I wished you a horrible holiday because we're supposed to be grouchy?  That's why it it's funny...