The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile

A (Not -So) New Twist In Writing

2012-01-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading Gore Vidal's“Lincoln.” I know you are thinking of two things: 1. There's alot of words in that novel and 2. There are no pictures in it. Ifigured I would read something out of my are of expertise. What ismy area of expertise and the type of reading I am most comfortablewith? Well, a Dr. Seuss book. Lots of pictures and it's short. Ifind it keeps my short span of attention. Unless I look at the picsfor too long...

But enough of the good Dr. This postis kinda about Gore Vidal. I know it doesn't have the same bounceoff your tongue style that Dr. Seuss does, but hey Dr. Seuss didn'twrite “Lincoln...” The one thing about “Lincoln” is that itis semi-made up. It's history with a writer's twist, because Vidalwasn't alive at the time of Lincoln so some leeway is expected. Actually a lot of leeway is expected. I just like using the word“leeway...”

This got me thinking! Which is whenyou should probably stop reading. A novel with some made up facts;right up my alley. I like history and I also like made-up things. So what about a novel about the American Revolution? I could includefacts like: Paul Revere was once a jockey which made his ridingaround the countryside warning about the British that much morebelievable. Or did you know that George Washington once had Elvis'great great great grandfather as a general? He had a twitch in hiships when he walked. Ok, so that might not make the final edit...

Or how about made-up characters? Theycould add spice (and more pages) to the novel. How about introducinga military figure to WWII. Because, you know, there isn't enoughmilitary figures in that war already. His name could be...AlistairMaldives. He could be an Australian General. Imagine the Dos Equis“Most Interesting Man In The World” on steroids. Except ofcourse Alistair wasn't on steroids. Imagine John Wayne 8 feet tall. But I'm pretty sure you get the point. He was a saucy chap. Hewould crumble up bullets and use them in salads. Those who reportedto him would bow and those who were his enemies would give up ratherthan face Alistair “Look Into My Eyes” Maldives. I mean heactually smoked a pipe containing gun powder...

Well thanks to Gore Vidal for giving mesomething new (but historically based) to write about. These arejust a few of my ideas, off the top of my head. I put no thinkinginto this post (like I had to tell you that). I mean Maldives isn'treal...or is he???

It's Finally Here...

2012-01-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

Just over 3 weeks ago it started. Buttoday it comes to an end. What am I talking about? Someone’s juryduty? How long it takes me to do long arithmetic? No. Well, maybe Icame close with the math part, but I'm talking about the girls timeoff from school.

If you hear Andy Williams singing “It'sThe Most Wonderful Time Of The Year' while you are reading this, wellyou're not alone! The break was nice. I FINALLY saw the Muppet's movie, I turned another year older and the girls got bikes for Christmas but I'm glad it's over. Thegirls need to go back to school and start their learnings back up.

And what I mean by 'their learnings,'is: it's time for me to get back to writing. It just sounded betterif I played it off as something my kids needed. Of course I will bestruck by lightening later for saying that, but hey, getting struckby lightening does make for an exciting story.

So...this year I am going toself-publish. I know I said it last year, but this year it's goingto happen. I've got over 700 posts on this site I can dig through. So maybe I will put this blog into book form. Of course it will havelots of pictures to keep everyone's attention. OK, I'll be honestthe large pictures are to keep MY attention.

Well, the time has come. I need to cutthis short because I've got to wake the girls up. I'm sure THAT willbe interesting. Hmmmmm, I wonder if that would make a good story...

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

2012-01-08T05:45:00.001-08:00

I post this every January 8th, so it's Jan. 8th and I leave you this...

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

The Annual Christmas Letter

2011-12-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Every year I repost this. People enjoy it, but much more importantly, I don't have to come up with anything new for today!!

We all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annual~~bragging~~ Christmas letter that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from "the wife’s" point of view:

Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2006 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. You can imagine husband’s surprise when I returned from Kenya last month with our newly adopted son. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

Top 007 Things I've Learned From James Bond (Get it? I semi-crack myself up...)

2011-12-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

So, I'm still walking up early whichgives me the perfect opportunity to watched my James Bond Films. Doing so, I've learned a few things. Pour yourself a coffee –shaken not stirred - and join me. Be warned though, shaking a cup ofcoffee can have disastrous consequence. Like ruining a shirt. Orpants or the arm next you...

007. A large portion of the evil doers will end up dead. Just like 'red-shirts' on Star Trek.

006. Bond will always have something catchyto say after he sent someone to their death.

005. Bond will always have something catchyto say while he's...uh, 'disrobing' his female counterpart.

004. He will never make it on time to ameeting where his boss asks him to attend. This is usually becausehe is wrapping up #5 on this list.

003. Identifying who you are by saying yourlast name first is very cool. Saying it wearing tuxedo, uber cool!

002. It seems that the only game he plays is baccarat. Note to self, learn how to play baccarat.

And the 001 thing I've learned from JamesBond...

All of the gadgets Bond gets to trywill one day make it to the Sharper Image Catalog.

Get Your Red Hot Reindeer Dogs!

2011-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

This one is from 2006. Whenever I read it, I get hungry...

I saw this little Associated Press story and couldn’t pass it up. Maybe it’s because I just spent three hours driving Lucy and Ethel around to look at Christmas lights. From Starbucks to Jack in the Box, food eateries try to add a little holiday spice to their menu this time of year. At one Chicago area hot dog stand, the holiday offering may be just a bit too much. The AP says that the stand is offering Reindeer Hot Dogs. They are produced in Alaska (you betcha) and are supplemented by a little beef and pork because reindeer is apparently lean and dries out easily. That's what she said. Ok, that one really didn't even make sense. Sorry. I'll be more judicious in my TWSS execution next time.

I know that deer meat is called venison, but I’m not sure what reindeer meat is called. I would suggest Prancer Pork, Donder Dogs or maybe even Blitzen Beef, but I’ll just play it safe and refer to them as Reindeer Dogs. The story didn’t mention how well the new item is selling, but my guess is not very well.

Mommy: Jimmy, would you like a hot dog or reindeer dog?
Jimmy: Wow, what’s a reindeer dog? Is it like a Happy Meal or something with a Christmas toy inside?
Mommy: Um, no sweetie. It’s ground up reindeer in a pink casing instead of beef or chicken.
Jimmy: You mean they took Rudolph and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obviously the new hot dog isn’t going to be big with the 8 and under crowd. No doubt that there will be plenty of curious folks who will want to try genuine reindeer meat. Once you add the mustard, relish and onions you probably can’t taste the difference anyway. Go ahead and say it, it tastes like chicken. The downside to serving up a holiday icon in a bun is that it might not sell, though I really like the phrase 'holiday icon in a bun.' And then there's 'holiday icon with a bun,' which would be Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show, but now I've strayed way too far off topic. The upside of course is that this guy’s hot dog stand just got a ton of free publicity that will turn into increased sales. Reindeer with your meat so light, you’ll be on my bun tonight. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.

I think the vendor has really tapped into a new line of holiday food items though. I can just see someone offering up a Frosty the Snow Man snow cone. The tagline: it contains a special blend of the essence of Frosty with just a dash of magic from his hat. Actually, as long as it isn't 'lemon' flavored, I just might try it. Now if I could only figure out what nog is. Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know...

What To Do When You Awake Before The Dead

2011-12-09T10:27:00.001-08:00

I have been waking up between 3:30amand 5am for the last couple of weeks. And to think, I was mad athaving to get the girls ready for school at 6:30am. That seems soooolate now. Years ago I wrote about “Insomnia Man” and I'm gettingready to launch Captain Slumbers Too Little and his masked partner,Lt. Graveyard Shift. Yes, those are just a working titles. Unlessthey grab you. Nah, I don't want to pander to my readers like that. Well, unless you think I should? No wonder I have a tough timedeciding where to eat...

The first step in battling my “wakingup before the alarm clock goes off” (which should be considered asin) is to up the amount of my sleepy time medicine. Sleepy Time isnot the legal name for it. The legal name is only something mydoctor can pronounce. So I did that. And proceeded to wake upEARLIER than I did yesterday. I stopped taking naps for a few days,that also didn't help. Although it made me a zombie around 6pm eachnight. Not the good sci-fi zombie.

I could lessen the cups of coffee Idrink. That was a joke. If you do that I will hunt you down and dodespicable things to you. Really despicable things! Like watchLawrence Welk on Sunday nights wearing old cardigan sweaters thatsmell like “old folk.” So see, messing with the level ofcaffeine I ingest is off the table.

This brings me to the part of the essaywhich I like to call “Things ~~Not~~ To Do When YouWake Up While The Rooster Is Dreaming.” Normally accepted thingsto do during this time are things like write a sappy letter to yourspouse, straighten up the living room, make the girls lunch forschool and read. You know, quiet but yet productive things.

Those things would be all well andfine. But not for me. I like to wake up, turn the Christmas treeson Yes, I said trees with an 's.' Don't be jealous. That just theway we tumble. Maybe that should be 'roll?' Then I make coffee. After that, I turn on the tv, because gun fire will keep the wholehouse asleep. After that, I start a fire. Ya know, just quietthings to do.

So, if I am going to keep waking up soearly, I have to change my ways. Perhaps that is when I'll receive avisit from Captain Slumbers Too Little. Oh wait, I made him up. Ireally have to get more sleep..

Oh Fudge! He Bought The ‘Christmas Story’ House.

2011-12-07T08:26:00.001-08:00

I know I'm putting up a lot of reposts these days, but some day, that will end. I'm pretty sure. Nah, I'm totally sure.

Why watch a movie scene when you can own it? Who ever thought that when E-bay opened its doors (their virtual ones, I guess) that people would be buying parts of famous movies on it. That’s exactly what a man did with $150,000 dollars. He bought the house in Cleveland where Ralphie and his family lived in the movie “A Christmas Story.” It’s sure to become a cult destination and presumably all the Bumpus’ hounds are long since dead, so it’s probably a pretty safe investment. It opened for tours this past Saturday and the same gentleman bought the house across the street to be used as a gift shop and museum. The story gets better, the man also makes and sales his own leg lamps. I guess in a weird twist of fate the lamps based on the ‘major award’ that graced the house’s front window in the movie partly financed the purchase of the house itself. Only in America folks, only in America.

It’s one of my favorite movies and if you’ve never seen it, you should. It’s on DVD and TBS runs a 24-hour marathon of it every Christmas Eve. Personally, my family got so sick of me trying to sneak it on TV by changing the channel every time someone left the room on Christmas Eve that they just broke down and bought me the movie to shut me up (ha, the joke’s on them because it didn’t work). You could almost say that just trying to get it on the TV for everyone to see became my own personal Red Rider BB Gun quest. I like to slightly annoy the family by wearing my ‘you’ll shoot your eye out’ t-shirt on Christmas Eve for family pictures and I have a miniature leg lamp ornament that has its own special place on our tree (thanks Carlton Cards and your ornament makers). I’ll admit though that it does take a little creativity explaining to Lucy and Ethel (my twin youngins) why there is a fishnet stocking leg on our Christmas tree. Fortunately, it’s one of those explanations that can begin with the phrase, “when you get older…”

I guess it’s true when they say that there are some real bargains on E-bay. Wouldn’t it be neat to get to buy a piece of movie history? I think it would be a lot of fun owning an iconic home. You could stand in the driveway and wave to the people who drive by just to see it. Houses that come to mind are the Cunningham’s house on ‘Happy Days,’ Archie Bunker’s house, the beautiful home from the Steve Martin movie ‘Father of the Bride,’ (I actually know where that one is) and of course the Brady’s home on the Brady Bunch. By the way, did you know that the 'Brady' home is not a two-story house? Boy can they work wonders in Hollywood.

Of course, even though the houses may be iconic, you’d be in a little trouble if they weren’t so easily recognizable to others. Then you’d be stuck with a home you bought at an over inflated price because of its supposed fame. If that happens, don’t dare think about sticking a tacky sign up in the yard that reads, “Stop here – former home of the Cunninghams on ‘Happy Days.’ Photo ops only ten dollars.” That would be sure to tick off the neighbors. If you were going to live in one of them, tours would be out of the question, too. The family wouldn’t take too kindly to strangers traipsing in and out of the house throughout the day. I can see it now for poor little Suzy. Every time she’s in the shower, one of the tourists needs to use the guest bathroom downstairs and when the toilet is flushed, she is scalded.

So now, in addition to blogging, I’ll have to keep my eye on E-bay in case a famous house is put up for auction. I’d pursue Beaver’s house on ‘Leave it to Beaver,’ but that’s only a fake house on the Universal Studios lot. Hopefully Sheriff Andy Taylor’s house from ‘The Andy Griffith Show’ is real and will be auctioned off soon. The only problem is that the show was in black and white. Does anyone know what color it really is? I’d hate to bid on a house from a black and white television show and end up winning a house with purple trim. Maybe I’ll hold out for Graceland or that big house the President is always landing his helicopter in front of. The name of it escapes me at the moment. If it has enough room for a helicopter, I’m sure it has ample room for a bounce house. Hopefully they take Pay Pal.

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

2011-12-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

A Wisconsin man discovered a deer with seven legs recently after he struck it with his truck. Perhaps even weirder is the fact that the animal had both male and female ‘parts’ (to be politically correct). The Associated Press reports that the extra legs were each a few inches long and were attached to its ‘regular’ legs.

The growing concern is that there may be something screwy going on up at the North Pole. Although no other reports of the existence of ‘genetically unique’ deer have been reported, there have been rumors. PETA officials have scheduled an ‘exploratory mission’ to the North Pole to investigate the treatment of the local deer population.

‘Obviously there’s something funny happening when deer can fly and some are born with red noses, so you have to make a connection between that and this mutant deer turning up,’ said a PETA official. ‘I don’t know what you do to get reindeer to fly, but it’s obviously harmful,’ he added.

The North Pole has remained quiet and secretive about their deer breeding practices and all reindeer flights have been cancelled until investigations have been completed. The Pole has always maintained that safety of their animals is the highest priority. Other than an ugly sleigh collision in 1973 that purportedly took the lives of three deer and a myth about a banjo-playing snowman who talks, no other reports of North Pole animal injuries or oddities have ever been reported.

“The whole Santa operation is very image based and the big guy would cringe if anything happened to tarnish that finely honed image,” said a diminutive North Pole spokesperson with pointy ears. “Believe me, when companies like Coca-Cola and large department stores give us free publicity, we don’t want to have any freaky transsexual deer running around to spoil an image we’ve been perpetuating for over 100 years,’ the spokesperson added.

If anything at the North Pole is found to be the cause of the mutant deer, Kris Kringle could face stiff fines and possible prison time for the ‘cruel and unethical treatment of fictional flying animals that don’t normally fly.’ Some observers worry about the global debate that will follow over who has jurisdiction over the North Pole as it has often been thought of as international territory. Canada, Russia, the United States, Denmark, Greenland, the ACME Ice Manufacturing Company and the estate of the late Liberace have tried at one time or another to claim territorial rights to the North Pole. The most likely outcome would find Santa imprisoned at Gitmo or Abu Grahib.

This will likely be a tense Christmas for the Clauses and little children the world over as they wait to see what will happen. Those close to Santa have reported that he’s in a very foul mood and mumbles constantly saying, ‘all because of one deer, one #^%#$#%$$ deer!’ Like one Santa believer said, ‘if they use nuclear energy to power submarines, there’s no telling what they use to get reindeer to fly.’

Scientists Prove Artificial Christmas Trees Help Promote Weight Loss

2011-12-03T06:30:00.001-08:00

TV networks do it so I am doing it. It's a holiday repost...

A revolutionary and landmark study was completed over the past holiday weekend and its results were announced yesterday. The San Bernardino, California based I Can’t Believe We Get Funding For This, Inc. (ICBWGFFT) research think tank has proven a link exists between holiday decorating and extreme calorie burning. It’s kind of the reverse of trimming the tree.

The research was conducted with fourteen men participating. All fourteen men ate until they became dizzy Thanksgiving Day and throughout the remainder of the holiday weekend. Seven of the men were then instructed to spend the weekend doing their normal routines while the second group of seven was asked to assemble a seven foot artificial Christmas tree complete with lights and decorations and then to string lights on their homes. The group of decorators lost thirteen pounds between Friday and Monday morning while the first group who did not decorate gained twenty. Incidentally, the group of weight gainers is now suing ICBWGFFT.

“Obviously there’s a significant link between holiday decorating and weight loss based on our highly controlled studies,” said ICBWGFFT’s lead scientist. “Everyone assumes that artificial trees are easier to deal with at Christmas time, but that is just a myth. With a real tree you just drive home from the lot or tree farm, put it up in your living room and decorate it, but with an artificial one you are responsible for lugging it around, erecting it and fluffing up all branches and tree tips before you can do anything else like adding lights or decorations,” she added.

The scientists believe that the constant motion necessary to assemble a decent looking artificial tree is equal to jogging or swimming for three consecutive hours. They observed their subjects’ non-stop activity as they made lap after lap after lap around their trees trying to make sure that each branch and tip on every single limb was positioned perfectly. The scientists also noted that the more compulsive the individual, the more time they spent arranging and rearranging the trees’ branches.

“These men would step away from the tree to look at their work, see a bare spot, and begin moving the branches again as if they just couldn’t stop working on their tree,” a scientist noted. “It’s like they were hummingbirds and had to maintain perpetual motion. To be honest with you, we’ve had a lot of fun reviewing our study subjects’ tapes and will probably submit a few to America’s Funniest Home Videos when we’re done.”

ICBWGFFT said that the more lights and decorations placed on the tree, the greater the weight loss would be. They also were able to counter the notion that stress can lead to weight gain. The holidays and decorating for them are some of the most stressful times of the year, but despite the stress the decorating men endured over the weekend, all seven subjects posted significant weight loss. Unfortunately, five of the seven subjects consumed an average of three cups of eggnog per day after the testing period and gained their weight back. Those subjects are also now suing ICBWGFFT.

Officials at ICBWGFFT celebrated their groundbreaking discovery by announcing this morning that they have teamed up with an artificial garland manufacturing plant in Ohio to begin selling artificial Christmas trees with 5,000 tips and the most branches possible on any commercially available tree. They hope to have the tree, named The Thinning Tannenbaum, in major retail outlets, home improvement mega stores, vitamin supplement shops, Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig by the second week of December.

A Very Happy Birthday, Mr. Samuel Twain

2011-11-30T07:59:00.001-08:00

I don't do 'shout-outs' on this blog, Iguess that is also called 'special recognition' or hellos. Heck Idon't even mention my kids by their real names! A special shout-outto Lucy, Ethel and LaVerne!! Ah gheez, I just did a shout-out!!!!!! Augh.....

But this shout-out is worth it. It isMark Twain's (Samuel Clements) 176th birthday. Just yesterday I waswriting ~~something vaguely~~ about 'Why I Write' and he is certainly one of the mainreasons I do so. He is and always will be America's Humorist, wellnext to Fred Willard of course. He had something to say oneverything from A-Z. Of course, he wrote a few famous books, too :)

Sitting down to write everyday, he'swith me. Well, the early Mark Twain, because I really don't like to wear all white. I hope that made sense. If not, there's always Wikipedia.

Anywho, Happy Birthday Mark Twain!!!! I bet he would have a lot to say from where he is right now.

Why I Write

2011-11-29T11:03:00.001-08:00

Well, I do so so that you havesomething to read. Please be honest, seeing a blank page would notbe fun. Although you're probably thinking it would be better thanhow I deface the page...But it's a good question. I mean thepregunta (that's Spanish for question) about why I write, not thequestion about me trying to do graffiti with the written word on ablank page.

Now that I have you completelylost...ahh heck, I am too. I wanted this be a look into why I write,but I didn't think it out anymore than that. I even have my 'writingpipe,' the one I want to have in my mouth as I complete the book Ipromised myself. I even have a sweater (ok, sweat shirt withhoodie), booze (well, it's wine) and I contemplated getting an eyepatch. You know, the things a great writer has, so that I couldexplain to you why I write.

It feels good (I'm talking aboutwriting here people!!). It's like every time I have have somethingto say, I feel like I should write it out. The only problem withthat is AS (After Stroke), I have trouble committing my words topaper. Heck, I have trouble even getting the right words out. Butrather than let that deter me, I'm am just gonna write what comes tomind. You may ask yourself why would a train leave the stationKNOWING that it was going to derail, but that's where the fun comesin.

Writing is for some people a dreadedthought, not something that they want to make into a habit. But evenif you have nothing to say, getting it on paper is the start of you'writing exercises.' I honestly believe that if you train a brain tosit down and write that you will and it'll become easier and morereadable. Besides, doing crunches it not as fun. Well, for me.

So (here's my lackadaisical)punchline...Please join me as I figure out why I write. Besides,it's free.

PS. Tomorrow's post will be muchbetter. I say that not knowing what it will be about. Maybe a poston the most famous train derailments...

Will YOU Be At Your Computer Today?

2011-11-28T05:39:00.001-08:00

Back to the grind after a holidayweekend. But this Monday has a title. It's “Buy Things While YouAre At Work Day.” Apparently, that is known by SOME people as“Cyber Monday.” I guess Black Friday needed a cousin, or atleast a red-headed step child. Personally I prefer Thursday's title:Take Things Back Thursday. Only, shopping online doesn't require money. You just buy it and it shows up, right??

We spent like 52 Billion ( that'sright, with a B) this past weekend. I guess over the weekend theeconomy turned around. But I am NOT writing this post to say peoplespending their money is a bad thing, especially went it comes toChristmas presents. I say the more the merrier!

I would be more than happy to point youto some clicks for good deals. You know, if you want to buy themfor, whoever... Or perhaps you want to buy something for somebody'sbirthday. Like a certain blog writer I know. Hey, enough of that!!! Unless you wanted to. No, that's enough!!

Happy clicking!

PS – Remember to get just a littlework done today while you are cruising the intrawebs :)

Insomnia Man

2011-11-27T06:21:00.001-08:00

Considering that I couldn’t come up with anything else for today, I thought I would delve deeper into the life of Insomnia Man. This will be somewhat different from my usual posts and embarrassingly; THIS is my longest post to date.

Insomnia Man (IM because I’m too lazy to type the full name) was a sheepherder until being laid off in the late 90s when computer software and technology made it possible to count sheep more cheaply and efficiently than a mere mortal could. This disturbed Insomnia Man deeply and disrupted the ebb and flow of his life, but he found work not long after in a local office complex. He would spend his days in his drab mono-colored (coloured for any of my European readers) cubicle staring at a computer monitor listening to the incessant droning native to the office environment while pushing papers and taking things in and out of manila folders because that’s what he saw those around him doing.

Due to the lack of excitement he was used to on the sheep farm, he would often fall asleep at his desk. IM could get away with this because he always had plenty of manila folders on his desk and was never seen not clutching one. This daytime sleeping made it hard to fall asleep at night and before too long IM became a full-fledged insomniac. Well, that’s what he believed after seeing that he had a few of the same symptoms as an insomniac does on the internet. Perhaps he was too quickly convinced that he was an insomniac because he thought it made him a candidate for disability until he was laughed out of his company’s HR Specialist’s office. This made him bitter and agitated which further deterred his ability to sleep.

The insomnia didn’t bother IM too much at first because it made it much easier for him to sleep through his workday and that made the workday pass much quicker than if he actually worked straight through 8 consecutive hours. IM would spend his nights learning foreign languages by watching their infomercials or enjoying his TiVo’d episodes of ‘The Wonder Years’ (don’t we all have Winnie Coopers or Kevin Arnolds in our past). One night while craving a Chalupa, he took to the streets to find a Taco Bell. It was at this time that he witnessed his very first crime. At least he thought that the guy was breaking into his neighbors house until he called the police and they discovered that it was his neighbor’s Father-in-law trying to get back into the house because he locked himself out while house sitting. Never the less, the adrenaline rush he experienced while thinking he was foiling a criminal act now and forever would be in his blood. It was only a bonus that his neighbors later dropped the charges against him.

IM now knew what he must do. He would use his sub-super powers to prevent evil in his city by finding crime in progress and calling the police. Sadly, IM was not smart enough to realize that the crime would be over by the time he reported it. He upgraded his cell phone plan, bought a digital camera and while his wife slept one night, he assembled everything he would need to fashion his own superhero costume, although he disliked the term costume as he felt it belittled him and referred to it as his ‘Superuni.” He later realized he had no talent for combining words and just stuck with ‘My Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime.” One night after driving himself to the emergency room to have his fingers removed from the cape he had accidentally sewed to them, his Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because I Can’t Really Fight, Crime was finished.

IM was now free to patrol the streets at night looking and listening for crime. He found that the longer he went without sleep, the harder it was to walk or drive straight and trust what he was seeing. Unfortunately, he missed more crimes than he prevented and was asked by the authorities to stop searching for crime after striking a group of elderly women leaving a bingo game one night. In time, the police dispatchers stopped taking his calls and then became further irritated when they had to dispatch officers nightly to get him off the yards of the town’s citizens. It turns out that those Neighborhood Watch programs really are effective. But then, how difficult is it to spot someone in a mask and cape with big ‘ZZZZs’ on their chest peeking in through your neighbor’s window.

Times were tough for IM. Then when having to go to the grocery store for his wife one day (despite his insistence that he needed to try and sleep during the day because he did really important stuff at night like Elvis used to), he realized that he actually did have an almost superpower. The bags under his eyes had become so big that they repelled the sunlight allowing him to not have to squint, just like the pro athletes who paint black streaks under their eyes before they compete. Now he could seek out and report crime to the authorities in the daytime too.

Insomnia Man patrolled the local streets day and night unsuccessfully for over 20 years. Then one day his social security check began arriving and his wife retired. She insisted that they buy a motor home and travel the country (mostly to escape the constant ridicule for being the wife of the sleepless caped idiot). While driving the motor home, he fell asleep at the wheel driving through Needles, California and was hospitalized for 8 months. Ironically, that day driving and the ensuing 8 months was the best (and by best I mean only) sleep he had experienced in 23 years. After recovering; they retired to Florida, took up lawn bowling and he now falls asleep at 3PM everyday while watching ‘The People’s Court’ in his recliner.

It’s still a sore subject for him when his grandchildren make fun of Insomnia Man. Except for the one grandchild who is afraid of sleep and found Insomnia Man’s Uniform For Deterring, if Not Repelling, Because He Can’t Really Fight, Crime in his grandfather’s attic one day…

Seeing Red And Green On Black Friday (More Red Than Green Though...)

2011-11-25T07:37:00.001-08:00

*This is the start of year when I rerun some holiday reposts, but I promise to have a few new ones too...*

We made it! It’s the day after Thanksgiving and while all of us are still stuffed from yesterday’s dinner, we are either taking advantage of the day off or working amid diehard holiday shoppers (with another belt hole added to our belts). Retailers call it Black Friday and I call it the beginning of the holiday madness. Radio stations start popping in a Christmas tune every few songs and our neighborhoods start to transform into festivals of light. Or light orgies, but that may lead to some unexpected consequences, so, we'll just stick with the use of festival of lights...

All throughout the land wives woke up early this morning to get a jump on their holiday shopping. They promised to be back by lunch but will probably not make it back by dinner. The muffled mumbles of men cussing as they try to untangle the mess they made when they put away the Christmas lights last year can be heard from every mountaintop. Thousands of turkey sandwiches have already been eaten today and if you want to go to a local shopping mall this evening, you’d better plan on being airlifted in.

I’ve never chosen to partake in the chaos of Black Friday, but I have participated in the holiday light shuffle. First I budget myself 2 hours to find the box I put them in last year. Once I find the box, which is always the last one you’d think to check, I spend another two hours untangling them. My violent light untangling usually results in a few broken bulbs. That’s ok, it just adds to the several I’ll need to replace once I plug the string in anyway. Then comes finding the ladder and breaking a few more bulbs as I try to string them up.

When all of that is finally done, I can step back from the house and into the street to admire my shining beacons of the holiday season. That self-adulation is of course quickly cut short when I notice that two more bulbs have gone out. But a-ha, that’s just part of the game. That’s why I won’t put my ladder away until after Christmas this year. Now the lights won’t be able to beat me into a deranged and mumbling lunatic every time another one burns out. Strangely enough, I look forward to my annual showdown with the lights.

This year I decided to copy almost everyone else around me and buy the red and green landing lights for Santa. I thought my girls would get a kick out if them, and of course I knew that I would enjoy them. My only fear now is that I have a lighted runway leading straight to my front door for errant drivers and very lousy private pilots. Hopefully the lighted candy canes and nutcracker soldiers will deter them.

By the time today is over, everyone who has shopped and decorated will be exhausted and slightly on edge. In each of their minds, every minute of the frustration was worth it. Especially for the ten people across the country who were lucky enough to find the last ten "Whatever It Is This Year Elmo" known to man. Now if you’ll excuse me, my turkey sandwich is ready and I have to figure out how to plug another 1,000 lights and a sleigh into a surge protector that is already full. You can plug one full surge protector into another, can’t you?

These Are Not The Turkeys You Are Looking For...

2011-11-23T10:20:00.001-08:00

I know I started with a quote from Star Wars, but isn't ANY holiday made better by Star Wars? "This Sleigh Is Not The Sleigh You Are Looking For?" "This Easter Bunny Is Not The Easter Bunny You Are Looking For?" See, ANY holiday.

This post is about the President and Turkeys - Not The President Is A Turkey, because I don't get political on the blog. I like to keep it good-natured and offensive to no one. Sooo, what religion are you? Just kidding. President Obama did something this morning that all Presidents since Truman have done. No, he did not drop an Atomic Bomb and he did not let a celebrity sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. What he did, was pardon 2 turkeys. He saved them from the butcher's block. Liberty and Peace are free to spend Turkey Day the way they want to, which I am pretty sure does not mean being roasted or fried.

A few years ago, President Bush sent his pardoned turkeys to Disneyland. Which was great because the week after Thanksgiving we were at Disneyland and saw one of them. And then I noticed the Turkey legs for sale at a few select dining places at Dland and wondered if that is where the other turkey went. I guess you had to be there to find it funny...

But this year the 2 turkeys will be at Washington's Mount Vernon (why do the first couple of Presidents live in a home that is named? Oh, and Elvis!). They will be on hand for the Christmas celebration (open to the public) at Mount Vernon. I sure hope that the celebration is fun and that the turkeys do not have to cross the Delaware! BADA BUM BUM...That was a joke, but me explaining that it was a joke probably lessens the impact...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Call Me The Clean Up Man! But Don't Say I Suck...

2011-11-22T11:31:00.001-08:00

Interesting title, huh? What do Iclean up? What do I suck at? If you were thinking a vacuum cleaner,you'd be absolutely right! Scary huh? Well, I mean it's a scarythought that you think like me. Vacuum’s aren't scary. Unlessyour vacuum cleaner starts to eat up a rug. Well ya know, that'sjust an 'example.' I should stop using air quotes because they makeme look guilty...

I like vacuuming. In fact, I spent anhour of today assembling a vacuum (it says a few minutes to get itready, but I have trouble reading their manual. It's in English). Then I spent over an hour vacuuming the house. Of course when thekiddos get home I'll have to vacuum again...

I don't know why I have a fascinationwith this particular household appliance. Maybe it's because you runit over the carpet and can see or listen to what it picks up. Don'tyou feel like you are the master of your floors with that type ofpower? Uhhhh, nah, me neither. (Is me neither correct? When Ithink I've made a grammatical fa-paux I like to ask. Hopefully itshows a little bit of an intelligence as opposed to writing it andnot asking).

Anywhoo, that's all I have to saytoday. Bet you want that 5 minutes back. Well, I DON'T GIVEREFUNDS!! Now, you can say I suck...

I’m One Of The Ones You Hate This Time Of Year

2011-11-21T09:40:00.001-08:00

This is a repost since the kiddos are home. But come on, you still want to read it. Right?? Yes, of course you do. See, I'm brimming with self-confidence. Right?? See that was a joke! Right????

I like Christmas. There, I said it. I like Christmas so much that I was guilty of looking at Christmas lights earlier this week. Although, here’s food for thought: am I the one to be hated for starting to celebrate Christmas so early or should the real bottle of Hater-aide be saved for the folks who are putting up the lights and decorations early? Answer: don’t hate any of them. Hate should be saved for evil dictators, the rivals of our favorite sports teams and the high school quarterback and head cheerleader. Ok, and Richard Simmons. And Barney, depending on your age. Darth Vader was evil, but he was cool so that doesn’t count.

I actually put up my Christmas tree this weekend. Since I am baring my soul (or sole since I am barefoot while writing this) as a Christmas freak, I feel I should tell you that my birthday is Christmas Eve (did you get that, December 24th). You can email me for my address for those of you wishing to send cards…or gifts…or hate mail (I’m an equal opportunity blogger). I think this date predisposes me to an unnatural enjoyment of the holiday season. I also feel this is the appropriate time to tell everyone in blogsville that I have a Christmas t-shirt collection. Yep, you heard right. I have Rudolphs, Christmas Stories, Charlie Browns, Elf Tossing and a few others, including one for ‘hard, sticky candy canes’ (or something like that) that often makes me think I am wearing a huge double entendre on my chest.

So yeah, I think I have gotten off the point here with this post a bit, but I am one of those people that is more than willing to celebrate Christmas early. I am one of THOSE people. However, I know I do not suffer alone and I know there are others. I have always assumed I was not the only one afflicted but found out for sure when cruising THE street for Christmas light looking in our town. Every house goes way overboard so that you can hear power lines sparking and crackling for miles in every direction. I am waiting for Google Earth to post a satellite photo of it. I felt like stopping by to congratulate them but didn’t want to reveal myself as the true idiot I am looking at Christmas lights 4 days before Thanksgiving.

Though I have found a new business venture for me to undertake. Did you know that guys in trucks who own ladders are now letting people pay them to string up their Christmas lights? It would be the perfect job for me! Doing nothing but hanging Christmas lights for money? Seriously? I’m literally speechless and motionless at the possibilities. People, this is more exciting to me than my recent idea of writing a script for my latest TV show idea ‘Porta-Johnny’ about a guy named Johnny who time travels whenever he sits in a portapotty (well, the writers ARE on strike. I’m just trying to help them out). Let’s be honest, I would pay people to let me put up THEIR Christmas lights. But actually GETTING money for it? Holy cow, that rocks!!!

Since this is the first of my Christmas posts for the year, you are probably wondering what I want this Christmas. Well, let’s just say I have already started dropping hints ala Ralphie Parker and his Red Ryder BB Gun. I want a deep fryer this year.
‘You know, Wal-Mart is selling a great deep fryer’
‘I just saw an ad for a deep fryer at Target’
‘With all this counter space, I think the kitchen needs a deep fryer’
‘Well if we had a deep fryer, we could have had fried cheese sticks with dinner’
‘You want to know what a deep fried Snickers Bar tastes like? Well, if we had a deep fryer, you would know.’
You know, just subtle hints, nothing too over the top. Yep, the Christmas season is finally upon us. Let’s just see how many times I’ll hear the phrase ‘You’ll fry your eyes out' this year.

Yeah, I know. That was a crappy punch line, but hey, cut me some slack. I’m busy cutting out ads for deep fryers…

Oh My God, They're Turkeys!!!!!

2011-11-17T17:41:00.001-08:00

I cannot enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday without remembering possibly the single funniest moment (at least for me) in television history. Of course I am speaking about the famous 'WKRP' In Cinncinati turkey drop. The episode was called “Turkey’s Away” and originally aired in 1978. For me, the staples of Thanksgiving have now become turkey, turducken, can-shaped cranberry muck, pumpkin pie and this WKRP episode. Perhaps the only other Thanksgiving television episode that comes close is the ‘Cheers’ Thanksgiving food fight.

It is uncommon for me to talk to someone who doesn’t remember part of that episode. Each year morning radio DJs all over this country will invariably refer to it or play a clip of it during their day before Thanksgiving radio show. The segment where WKRP’s reporter describes the Thanksgiving Day promotion is absolutely hysterical and invokes memories of older historic radio broadcasts. Perhaps the most memorable line (although there are many) from that episode is the vivid description ‘they’re hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement.’ That’s usually the line most often repeated by DJs. As the radio promotion from hell unravels, Les Nessman even compares it to the Hindenburg tragedy.

Most of us can be thankful next Thursday for many, many things. Some of them are big and some of them are not as monumental. This 30-minute episode of television reminds me that one of the things I am most thankful for is our ability to laugh. So, whether you are traveling or preparing the big holiday meal, take five minutes to relax and enjoy this gem from a Thanksgiving long ago (at least by TV standards). If you are stressed out preparing for the big day or just trying to get over the river and through the woods or over the highways and through the stop lights, watching this will definitely help you settle down. Enjoy…

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." -I feel your pain, Mr. Carlson.

Top Ten Mistakes “My Friend” Has Made As A Dad.

2011-11-17T10:29:00.001-08:00

I am using “air quotes” in thetitle to this post. I couldn't find much to write about this morningand the Little One keeps asking for food and asking to see The WizardOf Oz (wouldn't it be great if they combined the two.)

Actually,that's not really that great an idea. So, I figured I would listsome of the other mistakes “my friend” has made. And yes “MyFriend” is actually me. I know you're shocked..

10. I use food as a bribe. It makes herhappy which makes me happy.

9. One day when I'm wunning (walking witha little running mixed in) with her in the stroller, I decided tostop at the park. We had fun, UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE (and I hadnone of what I'm speaking of in #10).

8. We made a slide out of furniture. Men,do not do that with your kids...especially when you let your childtake the fall for it.

7. Do not EVER let your children take thefall for something that you “may have” done.

6. When your child asks “what can Ieat,” I've have learned NOT to make it candy or chocolate everytime. Because then when Mommy gets home she says “Mommy can I havea piece of candy?” It ruins OUR little secret...

5. Do not dress your child in stripes andplaids together. I only did it 5-7 times. I don't know what the bigdeal is...

4. Never let your child break a bone. Believe me, it hurts you more than the child.

3. Never let your child climb up into your“daddy chair” to watch TV with you when your are watchingsomething about the Civil War. If you do, just tell her that thebodies are just “laying down” when she asks.

2. TV is NOT a baby sitter! Especiallywhen you're child is hiding behind a piece of furniture doingsomething you had hoped she would do on a toilet.

And the number 1 mistake:

While I did say that TV is not ababysitter (I did say that, right?), keep Barney from ever touchingyour kid's eyes. If you don't, YOU will want to go blind...and deaf.

Coffee. Yep, That's It. Just Coffee

2011-11-16T09:41:00.001-08:00

I WAS going to write my thoughts on thegreatest album never to be released (The Beach Boys Smile). After 40plus years it was finally released 2 weeks ago, but I will save thatfor another day. This morning I will pontificate on coffee. Actually you could say that coffee is what powers my posts mostmornings! Is pontificate too strong a word when talking aboutcoffee? I guess I could sermonize about it. Is sermonize a realword? It must be because spell check didn't flag it...granted theydo spell check 'awesomesauce,' which is a real word.

You know I like coffee. A doctor wouldmost likely say I'm addicted to it. But addicted is such a strongword. So, I shall use the phrase (I can't get out of bed withoutit). There, that's MUCH better (I'm talking myself into THINKINGit's better. I can talk myself into many things. Such as 'thatdress looks great' and Don Ho is a musical genius. But, back tocoffee...

Iwondered what would make the world a happier (and jittery) place? Free coffee. I think that every place of work (ironicallyabbreviated as POW...) should have a coffee pot and make it availableto each employee and everyone who stops in. Of course they may stopin because they have free coffee, but hey, what a great ploy to getpeople to stop by. This idea should be added to every library,doctors office, gas station, basically everywhere. Wouldn't thatmake the world and the people in it happier, more peaceful andprobably more productive? Yes, until the caffeine rush is gone, butthen we could all sleep from about 2pm on. BWAHAHAHA.

Andplease do not worry about Starbucks. They'll still have people whopay for their coffee. Because, ya know, Starbucks is the world'soldest profession...(oops, pardon the reference.) There was even aStarbucks in the Bible!! I'm sure it's in there. Well, there wasprobably one in there. OK, it's 50/50 that it mentions one.

Thereare other things that could be offered with the free coffee. Wouldn't the world be that much more happy with free lobster, baconor cheese? Or, all 3. Perhaps they could pay somebody to give backrubs (I don't like them, but I am writing this post for all ofYOU..). Yes, that's a great idea. If every place in the world gaveout free back rubs and cups of java, they would be helping out theworld's economic crisis. That would be at least one more paid personat EVERY business. Except for me (because I care about YOU), I woulddo it for free...

PS. I started ads on my blog...Iwonder what ads will appear with this post :)

Christmastime Is Here. Well, Depending On Your Perspective

2011-11-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to bring it up butChristmastime is here. No, this post will not trash Black Friday,Cyber Monday or Broke Wednesday (I made that up, but you know whatI'm saying). Neither will this post address the Christmas itemsbeing displayed in September at local stores. This post is about howI start early for Christmas. If you want to stop reading now, that'sok.

For the two of you that are stillreading, you get a gift. 300 pennies!! I start playing Christmasmusic on November 1^st, well that's after my Christmas InJuly celebration. Should I call it a celebration if I'm the only onearound to celebrate? But when I play it, I have to do sosecretively. Not everyone is shined up like a Christmas tree (I madethat up, too. In fact, I'm not even sure that was proper English, orEspanol for you Spanish speakers) when they hear Christmas music,especially before Turkey Day.

But now, I can play it in the open. InSo Cal, KOST 103.5, started playing Christmas music 24/7 today. It'stheir 10^th year. In fact for a number of years they haveplayed the same song to kick it off. And guess what, it's BarryManilow (don't say a word...). Seriously, DO NOT SAY A WORD!!!!

Maybe the Christmas Bug affected me alittle differently. My birthday is Christmas Eve, so maybe I ampredisposed to being a Christmas fanatic. Or, maybe I am just off myrocker. By 'rocker,' I mean that I think Barry Manilow and HarryConniff are rockers in the musical sense. I'll let you or mypsychiatrist figure that one out.

In fact, I think Christmas Eve is justthe start of Christmas, not my birthday. We put up our ChristmasTree this past Sunday. The family let me do that. Probably cause Iget this look in my eyes starting on November 1^st. Orperhaps it's because I whine daily about decorating until I finallyget to. But, they set a limit. I do not get to decorate it...yet. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

To Be Thankful...kind of

2011-11-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

What is Lawrence Welk doing on this post? I promise to get to that.

It seems like a lot of people are on Facebook. I know that you know that there are, I just wanted to make sure you were listening. I am a Facebook addict, if you didn't know that. Actually if you didn't know that, you've been hiding in a cave, or maybe a sewer pip, if you are wanted by a large posse. That was a Moammar Gadhafi joke, see I DO read the news. I just read it after everyone else does...

You are probably wondering what this post (like all of my others) is about. Sorry, my mind tends to derail often...and I can't help but write down EVERY thought I have (btw, I need to do laundry...). This post though is about being thankful.

A lot of people on FB (which is Facebook, but I love abbreviations, I mean abbrevs) are taking November to list each day one thing they are thankful for. So, I thought I would make this post about the things I am thankful for, and it only took me 3 paragraphs to say that. I am making head way. It used to be 5-6 paragraphs until you were able to figure out what I was writing.

I am thankful for many things. My health, my family and all that other stuff that I'm legally supposed to say, but my thanks goes deeper. I am thankful for the auto-timer on my coffee maker. Because once I stumble downstairs the aroma begins to wake me up. I am thankful for Englebert Humperdink and Lawrence Welk (if you are on FB, you'll know why). Having the Force flow through me is a positive thing too. That's kind of a joke. OK, I'll be honest, I'm not joking...

I am way thankful for Netflix's streaming thing. I am sure there is a techno term for 'thing,' but you know what I am talking about. Hair mousse is something I am thankful for, especially if you have ever seen my hair when I wake up. Music is something I'm very fond of. And let's not forget bacon and cheese (the big BC...'cuz you know, I like to 'abbrev' things). I could live on just those two staples! Of course I wouldn't live long, but I'd die happy.

I would have liked to be thankful about driving, but...

See, my thankfulness has many levels. Maybe not as many as Donkey Kong. Can you tell I stopped playing arcade games around the time of the Atari? And on a serious note, I am thankful to be able to write. There was a time when I didn't know if that would happen again. Oh one last thing, I 'm thankful for my 3^rd daughter looking like me. Finally, some representing of me!! Did I say that right??

YUM!! Yummmmmm---meeeeeeeee!!!!!

2011-11-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

I will tell you now that this is a repost. But it is a delicious repost!! Did that make you want to keep reading? I hope so...

While perusing around online this morning, I came across a mention of a new take on turducken, which is odd considering that turducken itself is a new take on something. This creation was called turgooduccochiqua.

Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.

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Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen.

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything. Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry.

What a Great Fall Morning!!

2011-11-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

It's windy and cold and I've got Christmas music playing and I'm drinking my coffee and the baby is watching cartoons. It's the perfect morning. Well almost. The baby is watching Barney. And my baby isn't really a baby anymore...but, I've got the Christmas music and coffee, so it's all worth it.

Oh, and I've got my lady leg lamp from A Christmas Story set up by the computer. Actually, it's always by my computer. It's giving off the 'soft glow of electric sex.' Well, the soft glow of a midget because it's the smaller version. I'm writing today because the twins will be off from school the next 2 days. While that is exciting, it's also scary. What am I gonna do with three children by myself and I can't drive anywhere. Seriously, what am I gonna do??!!! :)

I thought about writing this post on my new favorite kitchen appliance, my French Coffee Press, but I not sure that something without a chord to plug in qualifies as a kitchen 'appliance.' It's my new favorite kitchen gadget, that's fo sho!! I think that means 'for sure' or 'for show' or possibly 'for shoe.' I'll let you decide.

But anywho, back to my French Press, which actually was made in China. But I think a China Press is a wrestling move...ba dum dum. This is the way to drink a cup of joe!!! And I love the crema (the foam on it). I think I like it because it's the olden way to do it. Like back in the 70s. 1870s?? And it's like coffee that I can actually produce. Well not the beans, but I push the lever and add the water. Altho, when I get a coffee grinder, I'll even have more to do in the making of a good cup of coffee.

If you can't tell, I really had nothing to say in this blog post. It's funny that having nothing to say actually took me 5 paragraphs to say it!! So, I will return to my great morning and my Chinese French Press. Now off to get a coffee grinder and the other long lost kitchen appliance I want...a deepfryer!!!

We Need To Change Up The Words We're Using

2011-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

The Bee Gees once had a song called “Words,” it doesn't really apply here, I just like stating the fact that I like The Brothers Gibb. I would love to be a guest on the Barry Gibb Talk Show, but that doesn't really apply here either. What I am trying to say (if you read WAY between the lines) is that we need to get back to the words of yesterday. So, here is a list of words that should be reintroduced in the 21^st century...

Ninny (it's the short form of nincompoop. Which probably has something to do with going #2)

Gad-jooks (to act in a surprised manner. Or the sound one makes when sneezing with a lisp)

Goody (just a longer form of saying 'good,' but it's much more fun)

Tallyho (this is used instead of 'let's go.' Generally, it is said at sea when you see something. Get it? Sea and see. Don't laugh at me...laugh with me!!)

Tomfoolery (when you see Tom, sometimes Tim, make a fool out of himself. Come on, you saw that coming...)

Anywho (It's another way of saying 'anyways' but you appear more lively in spirit when you say it)

Gosh (to act surprised or a really clean cuss word)

Hoot-nanny (this is generally used when speaking of a real good party time. Or, when your grandmother is very drunk)

Fab (Another way of saying great. The Beatles used it, so I think it speaks for itself)

And #10:

Vunnderful (It's Lawrence Welk's way of saying 'wonderful.' It probably had to do with the fact that English wasn't his first language, but like we say in America 'make fun of anything that isn't normal...'

I know there are lot of other words I'm am forgetting so let me know of them and I'll look in the dictionary to find the definition. What? You think I just made these up?? Pssshawww...

It's November...That's Pretty Late To Start My New Year's Resolution!!!

2011-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

But maybe, oh just maybe, I can get a head start on next year's resolution. What is that resolution? I thought about weight loss, toning down my appetite for bacon, not telling people that I watch Lawrence Welk, stop saying that we have been to Mars and the government didn't tell us and listening to Christmas music at the time that is acceptable to most people, but that's not it!

My 2011 New Years Resolution (and my now-declared 2012 resolution) was/is spending more time writing on my blog. I actually believed that this last half of the year that I would be finishing a self-published book. Just like Engelbert Humperdink making a comeback, it's not gonna happen this year. So, here's hoping for next year. But I have to have all my 2012 resolutions done by December 21^st of next year, because the world is ending on that day. See if I set my resolution goal for the day the world is ending we won't be alive to see how bad the book is, just that I got it finished!

BTW, (and this is the best segue ever) William Hung who 'sang?' on American Idol is now a crime analyst for the LA Sheriff's office. So he now gets to determine whether or not the perp 'banged' her victim on the head. I can just hear the echoes from office now 'she bangs, she bangs, she banged him with a blunt instrument...' OK, I realize that was very bad, but I'm gonna have to write a few garbage posts to get back in writing shape.

So, please tell your friends that I am blogging again. Actually, beg them to check out my blog. Then they'll be forced by guilt into it. I am not sure that will help me with my resolution, but it sure won't hurt! Right...

ARRRRRR, Or Whatever Matey

2011-09-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am fully aware that I owe you a Randomocity day or at the very least, a new post. Spoiler Alert: That won't be happening today, but today's annual holiday HAD to be observed and fortunately I can steal from a past holiday post. So, hoist your mainsails and giddy up. Wait a minute, that's not right. I'll try it again. Yo yo yo, lemme show ya how to roll. There's no way that's correct. Set your reactions on stun, because today is...Ok, that's not even close and now I'll be branded a nerd.

I'll give it one last chance. Ya better be gettin' yer eye patch on because today be Talk Like A Pirate Day.....arrrrrrrr. So hoist your colors you bloomin' cockroaches. Don't forget to show 'em your "larboard" side. Use your best ole salty pirate phrases me hearties or ye be walkin' the plank. There, I think that did it. And to think they all laughed when I told them we'd learn something one day from all those rides on Pirates of the Caribbean! Yep, that is what I learned. Nonsensical dialogue that I get to use every September 19th. Uhhhhh, Matey. I forgot to talk like a pirate there.

In Remembrance...

2011-09-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Since I started blogging, I repost this on September 11th. I hope you don't mind...

At the very end of July 2001, my family and I (pre-twins of course) all flew up to New Hampshire and then to Maine for a family reunion. We had a long wait on the tarmac at the airport in Newark and realized that we might get to fly past New York. In anticipation, we got out my brand new digital camera (you remember the old ones that cost $500 for a 1 megapixel unit).

As we took off in the little puddle jumper that would take us up the coast, we got an aerial tour of New York City. Although we certainly weren’t expecting it, we got to see many of the landmarks the city is famous for. We were treated to views of the Statue of Liberty, Central Park and even Yankee Stadium (which at the time was the highlight for me). But as we would come to realize just 2 short months later, our real highlight was getting to pass the World Trade Center and its 2 magnificent towers. The picture to the left was taken simply and casually as a tourist would take a picture of something they recognize. It has now become as cherished as any photo from that entire wonderful trip.

I post it in remembrance of September 11, 2001, when this country was forever changed.

The End Of Summer

2011-09-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, the summer unofficially ends tonight! Here in So Cal we have lightning, off and on rain and lots of cloud cover! It kinda seems appropriate. Fall will be here before you know it. Well, except in So Cal. That will come at the end of October...hopefully!

To start the transition from Summer, Starbucks will sell their pumpkin lattes tomorrow!! I know it's early...but really, who's complaining! Not this coffee fiend!! And I'll begin my countdown to having eggnog before Halloween. I think I've been doing that since 1999. I haven't missed yet.

Wow, I should have plan this blog post out. It seems I am done writing. But at least you know what Starbuck's is offering tomorrow.

It's...uh, Wednesday?

2011-07-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

I know that most people refer to Wednesday as “hump” day. But being a parent of two almost 9 year old girls, I prefer to call it something different. Because I do NOT want to have to explain what hump is to my girls. Yes, it's a bump or that thing on a camel's back but I'm talking about the OTHER word for hump. You know, the 'bon chick a bo wow' thing. Wait, did that sound like I was calling for a dog to come to me?

Because if you have been reading this blog since Lucy and Ethel were 4, you know that I still refer to men's parts as 'the man area' and woman's parts as the 'woman area' and that's as far as I want to go, at least until they are 18, ok 20, well how about 30...

But sitting around saying Happy Middle Of The Week to people might seem like what an Irish man says. “Happy Middle O'The Week to ya lass,” while tipping his hat. That's fine and dandy, but I'm not Irish. That should be clear if you've ever seen my legs...

So what should I call Wednesday? 'Happy 4^th Day,' or if you start your week on Monday, 'Happy Thrice Day?' But I think the word thrice went out of favor back when there were castles and dames locked inside of them and people used to have big turkey legs to eat.

That's why I am writing this. I will let YOU decide what I should call Wednesday. Come on, I know that you are all clever folks. Besides if I put you to work on it then I can go find me some turkey leg!! Did that sound right??

It's Be A Dork Day!!!

2011-07-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

But what if I am one already? Does that mean I can be more of a dork? Can I flaunt my dorkiness (that's what she said)?

I am a full scale dork. In fact this morning I downloaded a painting of the Original Star Trek cast as rock musicians. I don't what else could be more dorky. Well, aside from wanting to frame it?

I'll just cut this post short and say you should read my last post about "Embrace Your Geekness Day." It says it all... :D

What Did You Call Me?

2011-07-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

So, today is “Embrace Your Geekness Day.” I had to stop for a minute because I thought it was “Embrace Another Geek Day,” which is completely different. I consider myself a geek but it's different when someone else calls me that. Of course I have also been called a block head, square, nerdy, dorky...Where am I going with that? Never mind!

I was searching for pictures of 'geekiness,' but I don't think it's word. But what appeared were a bunch of images that I think are cool, not geeky. Star Wars, Star Trek, computer geeks and a plethora of images of people with Stormtrooper helmets on. A lot of pictures of that. I mean a lot. You could almost say a ton of pictures. If I had a Stromtrooper helmet on it would be the pinnacle of fashion sense. I could wear it with shorts, jeans or even my Santa Claus outfit.

I probably am failing greatly at making you think I am anything but geeky. But let me list all of the things that make me cool, instead. I have Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits, I once saw Billy Joel and Elton John live together, I like Sesame Street, I have a writing pipe (it's like a smoking pipe, but words do not circle my head as I have it in my mouth), I am looking forward to the Smurfs movie and I dig documentaries on TV.

Alright, after reading that last paragraph, I still have not convinced you I am not a geek. Well, I guess a am a geek, so I will embrace it with two arms. Because if being geeky is wrong, I don't wanna be right...

Celery: It's The Stalk Of The Devil

2011-07-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

I spend quite a lot of time talking about the foods I enjoy. Bacon, cheese, lobster, BBQ, ice cream and saltine crackers (ok, bet you didn't know about that last one. You know, I enjoy little wafers of salt soaked cardboard from time to time). However, I want to talk about the foods (or just one – I haven't thought that far ahead in my writing yet) that I hate. OK, 'hate' is to tame a word. If I am within the same kitchen as it, I deform and start singing show tunes.

What is this food concocted by Satan himself? It is celery. I know that lots of people (by lots I mean the 3 that read this) are recoiling in their chairs right now because they probably enjoy it (I mean celery, not recoiling in their chairs). But seriously, I think dog food must taste better. Actually, I know this as fact. Because I once tried a piece of doggy beef jerky once. It looked so good. That was before I bit into it. Still, that was still better than the stalk of the devil.

The smell sets off an alarm in my head and of course I begin singing the show tunes. If there is a piece on my plate I start getting into the fetal position and of course I begin singing the show tunes. And if there is one mixed into the food I WAS going to eat, I develop a type of turrets and you know about the show tune part.

Why do so many people cook with it. It's in soups, stuffing, sandwiches, potato salad and the list goes on. Does the smell not affect other people? Is it my cryptonite (well, it is green...)? Just cutting through a piece is like food carpentry. The texture is like having a piece of wood soaked with (uh...I really must start thinking through my posts before I begin writing). Let's just say the texture bothers me...a lot.

Well this is the only time I will ever write the word 'celery' out again. I feel dirty. And seriously, how do people put peanut butter on it and call it a snack?? Peanut butter is one of the toppings on the Mount Rushmore of Toppings. And people defile it by putting it on the symbol of what is evil and wrong with this world.

I do however like rhubarb, which is structurally like celery. I haven't figured out why that is. I have actually seen a shrink to determine why, but when I get on his couch I fall asleep and he's so kind that he doesn't wake me up (at least I think that's why he doesn't wake me up...)

So in closing, please do not serve celery while I'm around!! Well, unless you like show tunes...

The World Is Ending. It Better, Because I Hate To Think I Wrote This Post For Nothing...

2011-05-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

I expected to write this post on December 21, 2012. Right in the middle of the holidays and all of the World-is-ending sales. So, scrap those notes. The world is now ending this Saturday. That's 2 days away. Man, have I got a lot to complete in those 2 days!

I've got to assemble my end of the world checklist. You know, all of the things I will want to have in case the Rapture comes and I'm stuck in the bathroom or waiting for service at Denny's. I will want to have my Barry Manilow and Carpenter's CDs, and my Bacon t-shirt. I thought of bringing a compass, but I'm not sure how to use it (that's a joke). I thought of bringing a map, but I have no idea how to use that (that's not a joke). Plus, I have NO idea how to fold one up so I'd use it once and then try like the dickens to get it shoved back into my backpack! Of course, I could use my unfolded map as a tent. Hmmmm...

I would probably bring a kite. Because I'd want some fun while sitting on the street with no one to talk to. I wouldn't need money (phew!! Because I don't have any). And I wouldn't need a cellphone. So I guess I wouldn't need the charger for it. Unless I needed it for choking a rat that I would turn into dinner (and somehow pretend it's lobster...a little hairy rodent with a tail but it tastes just like imitation lobster meat). And lastly, a package of Key Lime Extra Gum. Have you tried that?? Oh, and breath freshener...

So, that it is my end-of-the-world check list. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. But I was in a hurry! The sky is fallling, the sky IS falling...

I'm Up Too Dang Early

2011-05-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm am up too early

Maybe that's cuz I keep repeating “I'm up to early” in my head

Then I thought I would write that down

So, here I am

I wrote it down

But I need more lines

To attempt to pass this off

As a pseudo-poem.

I could blame me being up since the sun was shining

But in fact, the sun isn’t anywhere to be seen

Because it's raining

I can't blame my alarm clock

Because it wasn't set to go off yet

So, I guess I can't blame it on anything

Which is unfortunate

Because I like blaming other people

That was a joke

Not a good joke

But a joke nonetheless

I haven't even come close to rhyming in this writing

Actually, that was a rhyme, kind of

So, I will end this attempt at writing a poem

I will brew some coffee

And be ready for a nap

In about 30 minutes

Because I got up too early!!!

A Return To The Odd News, Oddly...

2011-05-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, on the road of posting like I used to, I decided to return to Odd News posts. I don't what is odder (not to be confused with utter or udder), the fact that weird news happens or that people post collections of it? Or maybe it is even odder that I read it and wrote about it(not to be confused with otter. Although that would be cool to read odd news about an otter...but that's too dreamy to happen. But imagine the fodder I could write.) OK, that's enough odd jokes. But did you hear the one about the utter spraying pink milk? The cow had been grazing in a strawberry patch...ok, that's not odd it's just bad!!

And now to New Jersey. Anyone else see Fred Armisen playing Governor Patterson when I asked that? Apparently two 13-year old twins were arrested for shooting their neighbor with BB rifles while he mowed his lawn. First thought – I'm glad my twins are girls and my second thought – I hope the rifles were Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifles with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Because that would be very groovy (I know, I've got to find more relevant adjectives when I write).

Imagine the two boys being hauled in to the local precinct. What would they be asked first? OK, why did they do it? But I was thinking of “you'll shoot your eyes out...” The man was shot in the leg and shoulder, but the BB's did not break the skin. So I wonder if that really is a crime. All the man had were welts not gun shot wounds. There has to be a law somewhere that breaking the skin or not breaking the skin gives different punishments.

I think not breaking the skin and the fact that they are 13 boys only gives one suitable punishment: they have to wear pink bunny suits for a whole week...

So, there ya have it. While it's not very long (I could have droned on and on about this subject 2 years ago), at least it's a start...and, a finish.

2011-05-10T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well I haven't written for a while. It is a little hard when a one and half year old is dragging you by the arm to show you things all day. I long ago gave my twins the names Lucy and Ethel for blog land. So I guess kiddo #3 will be LaVerne. She's not the only reason I haven't written. Writing is hard for me to do now. The thoughts don't come as quickly as they did in 2007 and 2008 (and they're nowhere near as funny!) and I have to do a lot of editing. Plus, thing come out in fragments. Fragments may be good to a rapper, but not a copywriter. But, I bought a pipe to have in my mouth while on the computer, so this is my inaugural, uhhhhhh, pipe post?

I really don't have a topic in mind, but either did Seinfeld or Millard Filmore. And you see what happened to ~~them~~ one of them. Lately, I've wondered what my plan is. Wow, I know I layed that on ya all of a sudden, sorry. I think there is more to my master plan than bacon and waking up to Facebook and lamenting that I need more coffee. Perhaps there is more for me to look forward to than a Star Trek rerun and the arrival of the mail. I certainly think there is more than taking a nap and watching Dick Van Dyke on Netflix.

Wow, that was sad to read that last paragraph out loud. What am I? An 80 year old man that likes to hear William Shatner sing? Well yes, but that's not the point. While I didn't discover my plan today, I will. And maybe I'll share it with you on here. Let's just hope my master plan doesn't contain sea bass with lasers on their heads...

Doctor's Orders...

2011-04-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

My doctor told me to write 2 sentences by tomorrow so I can resume my daily blogging and then write a book. He thinks it will be good for me. So being the good patient (with no patience) I came up with:

"Since Dr. XXXXX (really that's his name!) asked to me to write two sentences, I will.

But it won't be a thesis,

It certainly will not be genius

It's wont even be like Dr. Seuss

It will be more like it was written by Butthead and Beavis

It will be....abstruse

The Last Year (I actually think I may have learned something…nah!)

2011-01-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my stroke just over a year ago and wanted to list a few things that I learned from it. I am way off of my New Year’s resolution of writing a lot more often. In fact this is the first time I’ve written in 2011. I was going to tell you about the character I had thought of my novel…it’s the Piobster. A half pig-half lobster boy, but I’ll save that for another time…or never. You can decide that. I thought of telling you about my Dick Van Dyke obsession…which I may actually talk about some day. But I’m listing or wandering or…stalling (that’s the word I was looking for). Since the stroke, I often forget what word I am looking for. Except for “bacon,” that one seems to come to mind quite easily!

So in the last year as I was trying to 1. accept the fact I had a stroke and 2. rehab from it, here are the things I learned…

After having to wait 3 days to eat…hospital food actually tastes pretty nice.
I may have lost my sense of right or wrong while in the hospital because I said hospital food is pretty nice!
I couldn’t speak for the first week after the stroke so I could only grunt. The grunt of “I need to go to the bathroom” and “I want a drink” was identical – I blame myself for that one.
I could not move the right side of my face. When looking in a mirror it was reversed, so that took some getting used to!
When I moved to the rehab center for a week I got my favorite burritos from San Bernardino – except I couldn’t eat them without making a mess.
When I came home, my right arm would be sitting in my food and I had no idea it was happening.
When I made coffee, I would spill at least one cup every few days and coffee ain’t cheap! Plus I would tilt my cup to dangerous level…until someone reminded me that I was going to be watering the carpet!
To show how die-hard of a fan of coffee I was I had to drink it from a straw – but for some reason I didn’t take pictures of that.
For a while, I had a cane. That was pretty sweet!
Then in March we went to see my brother and his family. One day I asked to drive one of his ATV’s – that went badly. My right hand was stuck on the throttle and despite my brother’s insistence that I take the hand off (in expletive laden form) I didn’t. I could have, but I was a deer in headlights and just froze. So, I hit a tree on his property going about 20mph. When I hit it, I popped up and then blacked out momentarily. Blood was pouring from my head and I had some pretty nice bruises. But all ended well because my brother got a new ATV out of it.
To use the computer for the first month, I had to place the mouse on the left side of the desk and use it with the left hand. Man, you left-handers have it tough! Well actually that’s probably the only way you know how to a mouse and you’ve discovered it works just fine.
I still have a problem with my girls’ names….that’s not that funny. Although the one and a half year old is going think that her name is: her two sisters names, plus “that’s not right…”

So, there are a few things I have learned. I hope you found it helpful. You probably didn’t but that’s my entry to today!

*as a stroke survivor I find the photo up there to be funny. Plus it has a Sesame Street character!!

The Top Ten Options For Celebrating Elvis' B-day (As Approved By The King Himself)*

2011-01-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

My Lackadaisical Christmas Post

2010-12-21T11:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s December 21^st and I’m sitting here by the fire watching it rain outside and drinking my Diet Caffeine-free Coke (because ~~that’s how I roll~~ I live way on the other side of the wild side) and I figured this was as good a time as any to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Wow, that was a long sentence. They don't construct them like that anymore. That's probably a good thing. At any rate, I was going to share with you what makes Christmas special to me. The easy way to say it is that everything about the Christmas season is special (except for the song by Wham!). The décor, looking at Christmas lights, the friends (most of them...) and family you get to see, the food, the music (oh the music) and that expectation you get on Christmas Eve. You know the expectation I'm talking about. Wondering how early you will have to get up the next morning – that was a joke...

I should stop right here and be honest with you...my birthday is on Christmas Eve. That wasn't a ploy to get presents (though if you wanted to, just send me an email...another joke.) So I guess I was wired to like the season. Christmas starts for me on Christmas Eve or the day after Halloween, take your pick. It's all just rolled into one holiday; which is fine with me.

I wanted to type more but I could spend 30 days non-stop writing about Christmas. So, let me wish all of you a very, very Merry Christmas!! I plan to be a more frequent blogger in 2011, so let that serve as a warning to you!

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!

Santa Faces Possible Indictment Over Mutant Deer Discovery

2010-12-09T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today I bring you another Christmas Classic. OK, that's a lie. It's just easy to repost things while I am laying here in an eggnog stupor!

Get Your Red Hot Reindeer Dogs!

2010-12-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

This one is from 2006. I read it and got hungry...

I saw this little Associated Press story and couldn’t pass it up. Maybe it’s because I just spent three hours driving Lucy and Ethel around to look at Christmas lights. From Starbucks to Jack in the Box, food eateries try to add a little holiday spice to their menu this time of year. At one Chicago area hot dog stand, the holiday offering may be just a bit too much. The AP says that the stand is offering Reindeer Hot Dogs. They are produced in Alaska (you betcha) and are supplemented by a little beef and pork because reindeer is apparently lean and dries out easily. That's what she said. Ok, that one really didn't even make sense. Sorry. I'll be more judicious in my TWSS execution next time.

I know that deer meat is called venison, but I’m not sure what reindeer meat is called. I would suggest Prancer Pork, Donder Dogs or maybe even Blitzen Beef, but I’ll just play it safe and refer to them as Reindeer Dogs. The story didn’t mention how well the new item is selling, but my guess is not very well.

Mommy: Jimmy, would you like a hot dog or reindeer dog?
Jimmy: Wow, what’s a reindeer dog? Is it like a Happy Meal or something with a Christmas toy inside?
Mommy: Um, no sweetie. It’s ground up reindeer in a pink casing instead of beef or chicken.
Jimmy: You mean they took Rudolph and WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obviously the new hot dog isn’t going to be big with the 8 and under crowd. No doubt that there will be plenty of curious folks who will want to try genuine reindeer meat. Once you add the mustard, relish and onions you probably can’t taste the difference anyway. Go ahead and say it, it tastes like chicken. The downside to serving up a holiday icon in a bun is that it might not sell, though I really like the phrase 'holiday icon in a bun.' And then there's 'holiday icon with a bun,' which would be Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show, but now I've strayed way too far off topic. The upside of course is that this guy’s hot dog stand just got a ton of free publicity that will turn into increased sales. Reindeer with your meat so light, you’ll be on my bun tonight. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that.

I think the vendor has really tapped into a new line of holiday food items though. I can just see someone offering up a Frosty the Snow Man snow cone. The tagline: it contains a special blend of the essence of Frosty with just a dash of magic from his hat. Actually, as long as it isn't 'lemon' flavored, I just might try it. Now if I could only figure out what nog is. Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know...

The Annual Christmas Letter

2010-12-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

Every year I repost this. People enjoy it, but much more importantly, I don't have to come up with anything new for today!!

We all hate them, we all mock them and some of us actually take the time to write them. It’s the annual~~bragging~~ Christmas letter that we send to family and other people we want to feel superior to. I present to you this year’s edition of the Christmas card letter as written from "the wife’s" point of view:
Dear Friends, Family and Frenemies:

Wow, I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like just last year at this time I was writing our Christmas letter. It’s been another amazing year for the family and while I haven’t bothered to take the time to call or even email many of you, you all have been on our minds and more importantly, in our hearts. I hope your 2006 has been as wonderful, splendid, fantastic and terrific (not to mention busy, he he,he,) as ours has.

We were so lucky to be able to begin the year with the birth of our 10th child Annabelle, or as I like to call her, Annabellicious (I keep telling hubby that just two more will make it an even dozen). She was born a beautiful girl and all the doctors say that she was the prettiest baby they had ever seen. It’s been just under a year and she can already do fractions.

Of course the twins Niles and Frasier continue to be little rascals. Who knows what they will get into next. Why just last week I caught them eating whip cream right out of the can. I mean really, can you just imagine. They’re so naughty, but I guess that’s what you get with boys. Stuart entered the 6th grade this fall and he is already doing calculus. His teacher says he’s the brightest boy he’s ever taught and he was elected school president. Susie made the cheerleading squad again and is dating the quarterback. She also got the lead in the school production of ‘Grease.’ Unfortunately we thought it a little to risqué so she decided to take a knitting class.

Harold has been an alter boy at every single mass this year and he scored the winning goal at this year’s soccer championships. Lucy’s got the lead in the community ballet and she continues to volunteer at the retirement home. Phil is a junior this year and is already applying to Harvard (I like to say he’s got ivy in his veins). Amanda just learned how to walk and Freddie is scheduled to go up in the space shuttle next year.

You’d think I had my hands full with the kids, but I also found time to donate a wing to the hospital, sew blankets for the orphanage and volunteer (again) for the church carnival. You can imagine husband’s surprise when I returned from Kenya last month with our newly adopted son. I just don’t know where I get my strength. Maybe it’s from those yellow pills in the bathroom. Oops, I guess the cat is out of the bag on that ditty.

How about husband you ask? Well, he’s been ok. The firm was doing so well that he started a second one. Husband outsourced some of the phone operators to Liechtenstein and with the money the firm saved, we built a library solely devoted to the works of Dr. Seuss and Jack Kerouac. He finally got the roof up on the ranch in Kauai and the cottage in Vale should be done next spring. I’m just glad he found the time to attend all the kids’ special events. I can’t believe he had to build our 15th bookshelf for all the awards they keep winning!

Well, enough about us. As you can tell, it’s been another hectic but quiet year. I keep hoping we’ll have exciting news to share one of these years, but I guess for now we should call ourselves the Ho-Hums. We’re just so relieved that Lucy’s surgery went well and now we can all celebrate the holidays together at the castle in Scotland. We want to wish you a wonderful holiday season and we’ll try to think about calling all of you upon our return, in February!

P.S. the dog had puppies again. I guess we really should put her in at night. Oh, I know I’m being just awful.

The Exploitation Of Rudolph, It’s Animagical!

2010-11-30T11:14:00.000-08:00

I repost this every year, but I thought I would post it when it's actually on TV...that would be tonight.

It’s that time of year when those famous Rankin-Bass cartoons and stop-motion puppet (Animagic) specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (which is on tonight) and Frosty can be seen on TV as frequently as wreaths on long-haul truckers’ rigs. I think the only person that comes close to having produced more Christmas fare than Rankin-Bass was Johnny Mathis, who I’m pretty sure just released his 100th Christmas CD, or something close to it. The ABC Family Channel usually airs most of the Rankin-Bass productions all December long and my girls watched a few of them last night. Among them was ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year’ and ‘The Christmas without a Santa Claus.’ It got me thinking that at a certain point, the Animagic Christmas treatment may have been stretched a little too thin.

Obviously, ‘Rudolph’ is as much a part of the holidays as Bing Crosby. It has to be good television for it to have been broadcast over network TV for the last 42 years. Although I seriously doubt that there has been an American child named Rudolph since the first airing of the special in 1964. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that classic. It’s the other Rudolph shows that prove maybe there can be too much of a good thing. Apparently, Rudolph has to find Baby New Year after he runs away in ‘Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.’ It seems the little baby ran away because he was embarrassed by his big ears. Of course, Rudolph could sympathize (as could I, unfortunately) because he has that nose and all, but really, is that worth an hour children’s program?

Then there’s the very confusing ‘Rudolph & Frosty's Christmas in July,’ which just leaves me speechless. I’m still not sure what it was about but it featured Frosty for the first time as a stop-motion puppet. Should this be aired in the summer or in December? Combining the two seems to make as much sense as having Hank Williams, Jr. do a slow and reverent version of ‘Away in a Manger.’ Although if Hank did cover a version of it, please let me know so I can add it to my collection. At least Rudy was left alone for a while until ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys’ came along. That was done digitally though so I won’t consider it for the sake of this post.

There were however, several holidays that Rankin-Bass apparently chose to have Rudolph not celebrate. Maybe they figured having a reindeer and snowman enjoy the 4th of July together was the bottom of the barrel. Think of all we missed if they had decided to continue milking Rudolph. There could have been ‘Rudolph’s Thanksgiving’ where he has to coax Tom the Turkey back to the turkey farm so he can be euthanized and ‘processed’ for Thanksgiving dinner. What about ‘Rudolph’s Haunted Halloween’ where he befriends a ghost who is afraid of dark haunted houses but has to haunt someone before he gets his official ghost status? Yep, they cook up a scheme with Yukon Cornelius to pretend to be scared by the timid ghost. It sounds a lot like Casper, but Casper is friendly and this ghost is timid. Trust me, if just for litigation purposes only, there is a difference in the two.

Rudolph would shine (if you’ll pardon the phrasing) in ‘Rudolph and the Leprechaun.’ In that one Rudolph searches for the pot of gold that Louis the Leprechaun lost in a cock-fighting bet. ‘Rudolph’s Meaty Memorial Day’ would follow the reindeer as he rounds up enough meat for Santa’s big ‘Start of Summer BBQ.’ Unfortunately, Santa feels like grilling venison this year. The hour long finale to the Rudolph dynasty would be ‘Rudolph’s Long Lazy Labor Day,’ where he sleeps all weekend before escorting the kiddy elves to their first day of school. Oh the mayhem that could ensue in that one. Wow!

As you can see, while he may have been exploited after the success of his original holiday special, it could have continued and been much worse. The lackluster Rudolph sequels seem to have done little to tarnish the little misfit’s street credibility though. They are making Rudolph themed everything these days. I actually saw a Rudolph version of Monopoly the other day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go open another roll of Rudolph toilet paper for the twins.

**The Wonderful World of Nothing Worthwhile’s useless observation for the day: Have you noticed in the original ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ that all of the hands on the puppets are dirty? Especially Santa’s. I don’t know why this is, but you can only watch something so many times until you start looking at things other than the plot…

It's That Time Of The Year (Officially)

2010-11-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

I say “officially” because I have been celebrating all month. But I see others celebrating it, so I guess it's official. What time of the year am I speaking of? Why, it's “Throw Out The Leftovers Day.” I've got a whole side of turkey that would disagree. I'm just kidding, well it is Throw Out The Leftovers Day, but I'm really speaking of that Jolly Christmastime, also known as “That time of year when I can wear a Santa Suit and prance around (do people still prance anymore) singing Elvis Christmas carols.”

I love this time of year. I am writing this as I sit next to a raging fire (I should really turn around because my right side is getting tan...bada bing). I'm drinking egg nog and listening to Christmas songs. In about 30 minutes I'll be drinking fire and sitting next to the egg nog (that's a joke...not a funny one...well it made ME laugh, but then so does someone running into a bush).

You might be asking yourself why I wrote this. It's a good question. I'm certainly not getting paid to write this, if that wasn't clear enough. I'm writing this to ask your apologies. Well, not for what I did do, but for what I may do (with the exception of me trying on that leisure suit in the 7^th grade). This blog will probably have a lot of yuletide references during the next month...so I apologize now.

With the exception of Christmas Eve, because that's my birthday. There was really no reason to say that, I just wanted to let you know. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

It's here. It's here. I'm not sure if that's actually what they call today or not, but it SHOULD be called that. I am going to write my local member of congress and suggest that he pushes legislation (or litigation - I'm not that particular) to make it so. After all, I'm sure it will be a welcome respite from all the economy and Brett Favre stuff.

Speaking of nothing in particular (wow, what a great segue) The president pardoned 2 turkeys at the White House earlier today in the annual event that has taken place since at least Harry Truman. Gerald Ford even pardoned a turkey. It's name was Nixon. Seriously folks, these are the jokes...The pardoned turkeys will get to live out the rest of their lives at the turkey farm~~praying to God that their tags marking them as special, untouchable turkeys never come off~~ strutting around knowing that they have been spared, though I bet it will make it hard for them to forge meaningful long lasting relationships. "I swear Tom, every time I get close to another Jenny, she disappears..."

While I can't believe it's already here, I love this day. There's just something about knowing the work week is prematurely over, tomorrow is nothing but food and 45 of my closest relatives (at least 60% of who I can now call by their correct name) and then Christmas decorating. Oh and the annual turkey marathon of leftovers. Then there's the airing of "It's A Wonderful Life." I'm pretty sure that every time "It's A Wonderful Life" airs that an NBC accountant gets his commission.

I read recently about the original Thanksgiving and it has really changed my approach to the holiday. I've got one word for you: LOBSTER. Yes, lobster may have been served along with other shellfish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it's too late this year, next year I am proposing that my family reenacts that first Thanksgiving, complete with lobster for everyone. Although, there was no pumpkin pie at that meal, so maybe I'd better go with a hybrid new and old celebration next year. Then again, do lobster and pumpkin pie really go well together? It's bad enough that everyone gets tired after the big meal. Do we really need them getting sick instead?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May your bellies be full and your fortunes be fuller. Wow, that was lame. Ignore that...

I wonder if there is still time...

2010-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

This is a repost (a very, very, very tasty repost!!)

Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.

Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen.

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything.

Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry.

My Autobiography

2010-11-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

I can’t drive, so it actually will not contain an auto…But I am thinking of writing a biography. Why not! Politicians write one when they are a Presidential hopefuls. I figured why not change it up. Since I haven’t written a book and no one knows who I am, that’ll be how I introduce myself. And I’ll probably have a recipe for something bacony in it. I wasn’t typing balcony, I do mean “bacon-y.” Presidential hopefuls don’t have that in their biographies!

Biographies don’t contain “facts,” right? I figured it would be more readable if it contained “facts – in name only.” I’d call it a fact, but it probably wouldn’t be “factual” at all. Or maybe they would be someone else’s facts. Hey, I like that idea!

I read that Mark Twain has his autobiography coming out in just a few weeks. I quickly had to run to Wikipedia to see if he was actually dead. He said that he would release it when he’s been dead for a hundred years. That solved that little mystery. Time Magazine (I look at it for the pictures) said it was a pretty neat (pretty neat…that all I could come up with?) autobiography. He doesn’t follow any set timeline. He just flows from one story into another. I’m thinking of doing that in my biography, too.

So, let’s review: my biography won’t have facts, or if they do, they’ll be someone else’s facts and it won’t be in chorological order. That’s a good starting point. Oh, I almost forgot: my biography will have a bacon recipe.

Now I shall begin my autobiography. It will be leather bound and contain 1000 pages. I’m not sure if I’ll use 1000 pages, so a bunch of pages may be stick figures. It will start when I was the ripe age of 13. Back when I was a doctor, at the age of 13…(bet you can’t wait to read the rest of it).

Stuff...

2010-11-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

There’s nothing more intimidating than a blank page. Well, that and a bunch of ninjas in an alley. Or how about ninjas in an alley singing Neil Diamond? That would be intimidating…or funny. See, that helped get over my fear of the blank page.

So now there is writing on my page…and Neil’s Cracklin Rosie in my head. Really, that’s the song I get stuck with? No wonder why I’m a bit loopy. Well that and the barrels of coffee I drink. We were actually at Target yesterday (great segue, huh) buying coffee and creamer. We spent $28 dollars on it. 3 different types of coffee and 2 different flavors of creamer. I should mix them all together and get Pumpkingmochacoconutmacaroon. I wonder how that would taste…

Since I’m mixing things together, I want to write a few words about the greatest mix ever (well aside from the Lady Gaga/Michael Buble duet CD): the Turducken! It’s almost time of the year for it. I’m thinking of dropping the chicken from it and replacing it with red meat. It would be called the Turduckcow. I think that would be ~~turductasty~~ tasty. And fried, with bacon. That would the ultimate tasty meal. Oh, and topped with cheddar cheese!

I should have stopped writing after the first paragraph. Because now I’m hungry AND have Neil Diamond stuck in my head. Maybe I’ll go take a nap and clear my thoughts. Wait, can’t do that, I have drank way too much caffeine…

**sorry, this was a pointless post** ;-)

Stream of Consciousness – Derailed

2010-11-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in a while, so today seem like a good time. I’m still trying to get my writing mojo back. I hope it returns before my verbal abilities come all the way back. But to try and get over the funk my writing has taken since the stroke, I’ll just keep on writing…

That’s it, that’s all I wanted to say. That was a joke – not a funny one, but a joke nonetheless. So, I will write about nothing and see what river my stream of consciousness heads down. I may be mixing metaphors but I’ll throw out my anchor and see what comes up. It’s like the highway of life; you never know when you’ll find a piece of chocolate. Alright, enough whacking the metaphors like a weed-eater.

Before the stroke, writing was my craft. It was how I made a living and it was the way I spent my downtime. To try not to write it would like Obi Wan Kenobi saying “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” times 100. It’s a force and I can only submit to it. It probably does not help that I’m reading a biography of Mark Twain. He WAS a writer! Perhaps I’ll start reading something about a dad who stays home and makes waffles for breakfast everyday…

But that would be boring, unless you have the audiobook of it and were listening to it while trying to fall asleep. Although, may I suggest a Racheal Ray cookbook for that? You probably are thinking rather than writing about writing why don’t I actually write. Uh, because I have to figure out what that means first. It seems like my stream of consciousness has hit a sandbar. Though I figured this was a better way to spend 15 minutes than by playing FarmVille on Facebook. However, if you play FarmVille, I need gas for my tractor. And that is not a metaphor…

A Riding Lawnmower...The Only Way To Drive.

2010-10-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well I am sitting here in Starbucks with my pumpkin latte, which means

it's writing time. But what the heck should I write about? A look through the weird news gave me an idea. Country music fans of George Jones will appreciate this: a man in Florida was arrested driving a riding mower trying to get away from a robbery. He stole some grass. Get it, it's a riding mower but also a term for marijuana. If I have to explain it, it means it's not funny. Uh, never mind...

George Jones used to drive a riding lawn mower when his wife took his car keys...alcohol may have been involved. He once sang a song about it, how she took his car keys, but she forgot about his ole John Deere. But this has happened in real life.

It gives me an idea. Because of my stroke, I have lost my license. Now I have to convince my wife to buy a riding mower. This might be a difficult proposition, because the last time I drove, I drove my brother's ATV into a tree. Granted that has been a few months but I think the episode is still fresh in the minds of all that witnessed it. Especially my brother who had the buy a new ATV!

Of course my lawns don't require a riding lawn mower, I could use it, but there would a lot of turning around and 3-point turns...which I don't think my doctor wants me to do. And I would have to watch out for sprinklers. I remember the first one a mowed over. I went in the house and told my dad that it looked like an explosion from Star Wars or James Bond. This was about a year ago. I'm kidding, I was 9 or 10. Wait a minute, I didn't get paid for that now that I think about it. Is there a statute of limitations for suing about unpaid child labor? I'm sure after almost 30 years it has expired...darn!

But I digress. This was supposed to be about me getting a lawn mower. I can see it now, with a cup holder, a stereo and one seat...just for me. I could cruise down to the BBQ joint or through the drive-thru at Mickey D's. Or to the car wash. Me and my John Deere.

So, if you come across a riding lawnmower at a stop light, just wave. DO NOT call the cops! And you might want to give me a running start when the light turns green. John Deere's are not known for their acceleration. It's more of a comfort vehicle...

It is National Coffee Day

2010-09-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I mean everyday is an unofficial coffee holiday, but this one is O-F-F-I-C-I-A-L (I think I spelled it right. It's so hard putting a dash after each letter...that's what she said...) Most of the people I know enjoy a couple of mugs each day, well except for my family. But I still love them...

In fact, I’ve got a cup right here next to me. However, I usually don’t drink that cup. It just sits here keeping me company as I write. Then I do take a sip and I remember that it’s cold, so I have to refill my mug. But, it’s here right next to me. Oh wait, I just took a sip, so you can ignore this paragraph. Oh look, I took a sip again!

I wish I could pass along some coffee trivia to you all, as this seems like an appropriate place to do so. Something like, the coffee plant was originally harvested to make twin births more common or an unripe coffee bean tastes similar to bubble gum. But, those are false. Actually, I don’t know what an unripe coffee bean tastes like, but I imagine it’s far worse than bubble gum. It probably tastes like dirt and I don’t know, a bean perhaps. Or maybe it tastes like cotton candy, just without the candy. You know, the way the paper cone tastes, I mean not that I’ve had just the paper from cotton candy. I’m just sayin…

One way I would like to have coffee is with a French Press. I’ve had espresso, a counter top coffee maker, a Brew Station, Starbucks and while camping I’ve made quite a few pots over a campfire, but never from a French Press. Although I like the name that Wikipedia gives it: A Coffee Plunger. Wouldn’t want that near the toilet. I also have not had coffee and a donut. I’ve had both separately, but never together. I guess you could say I haven’t dipped my crawler in a cup. Actually, maybe you shouldn’t say that. People may look at you funny.

And I do like coffee mugs. Last year I asked my Facebook friends to send me photos of their mugs to be displayed in MugShots. I probably should have made a coffee table book of coffee mugs, but that sounds too Seinfeldish. While I was recuperating from my stroke, I actually got a few coffee mugs as gifts. Each one is a part of my personality. That sounds kinda weird. What I mean is that each one REFLECTS a part of my personality…

We are entering my favorite time to drink coffee: the fall and winter ~~and spring and summer~~. It’s my favorite because they have all those holiday creamers and because at places like Starbucks they have special flavors – like Pumpkin Spice! And of course it’s cool then. I drink hot coffee when it’s hot but I usually start feeling sweaty while doing so, I know: too much information. Maybe I should try iced coffee…

So in honor of National Coffee Day I say to you: raise up your mug and join me for a toast. Although after reading this post, I should probably cut down on my daily caffeine consumption. But where’s the fun in that?!!!

In Remembrance...

2010-09-10T21:57:00.000-07:00

Repost: Star Trek

2010-09-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

On this night in 1966, Star Trek premiered. It gave us Leonard Nimoy and Mr. Priceline, William Shatner. This is what I wrote on 40th anniversary way back in 2006...

40 years ago tonight, NBC aired the first episode of what would become a cultural phenomenon and highly successful franchise. Star Trek hit the air on September 8, 1966. I have referred to Star Trek numerous times during my relatively short stay in blog land but in honor of this momentous day, it’s time to pull out all the stops.

I just finished watching “The Trouble With Tribbles” on TV Land and after not having watched an episode of the original series in several years, I was surprised at how vivid and bright all of the colors were. Watching as an adult, I was also caught off guard as to how campy everything about it was. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve always been a fan and am (almost) not embarrassed to admit that I donned pointy ears back in the 7th grade and dressed as Mr. Spock for Halloween. The answer to your question is no, I did not have a date for that night’s junior high Halloween dance, but that’s not the point!

I have a lot of random thoughts about the show I want to share with you. The biggest one is that for such a logical and by the book guy, how cool was Mr. Spock. You know you’re watching a hip alien when he has a Beatle haircut. And how about those Klingons? Watching them made me realize how different creatures can evolve at such varied paces. In the 1960s episodes they were in, Klingons look pretty human, maybe a little beatnik, but definitely human. Fast forward just a few short years and they have evolved into menacing figures with foreheads that are eerily similar to an aerial view of California’s San Andres fault. Perhaps a better comparison for their heads would be what my puckered and stitched open-heart surgery scar looked like the day following surgery (although that might be better explained in a different posting; I told you this would be pretty random).

Watching Star Trek in syndication as a youngster ruined my understanding of space. I was almost in my teens by the time I came to accept that stars in space were not held in place by cosmic fishing line. I am proud to say that I was informed enough to know that the show was called “Star Trek,” not “Star Track” as so many people called it. Sadly, I would correct them. In hindsight, when it came to alienating my friends (so to speak), that was not such a logical thing to do.

The ideas, philosophy and technology on the show are still influencing us today. Did you know that television’s first interracial kiss was between Captain Kirk and Lt. Uhura? When NASA asked the public to name the first Space Shuttle, the unanimous choice was The Enterprise. The cell phone was obviously derived from the original communicator. We should thank Start Trek creator Gene Roddenberry every time we place a call from the middle of nowhere or ask the person on the other line, “Can you hear me know?” That phrase has become the new Millennium’s version of “beam me up.” The new cell phone wireless head-set blue-tooth ear clip on things (that as you can tell from my description I obviously know nothing about) sure remind me of the ear piece Uhura used to hail Star Fleet. Don’t you agree?

From everything I have read and seen, the original episodes are about to be exposed to yet another generation. TV Land is going to start airing the show nightly beginning in November and I read on MSNBC.com that high-definition versions of the original series with updated special effects (maybe they’re using George Lucas) will start in syndication around the country next week. I saw a promo tonight and I think they might have updated more than just the special effects. I could have sworn I heard Dr. McCoy tell Captain Kirk, “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a blogger!”

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

2010-09-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

I know it's Labor Day Weekend...but I sure hope you aren't working! It's seen as the last weekend of Summer, though the heat will be with us for a while. But soon we'll be putting pumpkin creamer in our coffee cups and toasting the coming of Fall. Well, except for Southern California...we kind of go from Summer to Winter, which is a drag! Enough about that. Let's enjoy what we have while we have it.

I'm starting the weekend under the porch smoking a couple of racks of ribs. I've got the Ipod playing Jimmy Buffet and a cold soda within arm's reach. Well I just tried to reach my soda, so I'll say one and half arm's lengths. I wearing my “I Love To BBQ” t-shirt and my family is laughing at me...well, laughing WITH me (I hope). All that's missing is the Tiki statue (my family knows where to get one)!

So I hope you all have a great end of Summer. I trust that you won't be dumb as I am and that you will stay inside today. But if you are outside, I hope that you've got a pool. Happy Labor Day Weekend!!!

I Need To Stop At The White House To Make A Deposit

2010-09-01T11:14:00.000-07:00

Looking to buy a piece of property? I heard about one in Georgia that might be appealing. It's a replica of...The White House. It was a bank that went out of business. It's 13,000 square feet but does not have an Oval Office. But it has a drive up window! The real White House doesn't have that.

You could have the White House with a touch of Elvis – you could install a Jungle Room. With the windows all in black and jungle print wallpaper. You won't get that in DC. Plus, you could shoot out the TVs when something you don't like is on.

Do you have something to tell your family or friends? You could tell them in the White House Press Room. Complete with a press release and telling them you won't take questions on where the family dog is. Or you could issue a news blackout...perfect for shutting up the loudmouth Aunt you have. How about using the Cabinet Room for...storage? Looking for something? Oh, it's in the Cabinet Room. Or could could use the Rose Garden for Bocce Ball.

What if you sold used cars in it? That would be something to tell the neighbors. I'm gonna buy my used car at the White House. You could negotiate the price in the Oval Office. The sales people could be dressed like secret service agents. Only the difference is, you could tell them what to do.

It would be perfect for a fast food place. I can see me getting a bacon cheese Lincoln Bedroom burger. Or a side of State Room fries. And let's not forget the Oval Office shake. Do I want lettuce with that burger? No! Veto the lettuce.

Yes, I could live in the replica White House. I just wouldn't let it go to my head. No limo, no plane and no secret service. Well actually, the plane would be fun!

It's TP Day

2010-08-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

The year was 580. What was going on then? Probably a manhunt for witches, Benedict ends his reign as Pope and the first Starbucks made it's debut in Byzantine. Well, the Benedict thing was real. But what I was talking about was the birth of...Toilet Paper. On this day (who records facts like that?) toilet paper was invented in China.

Was it a big deal? Was it one-ply or double-ply? We're those bears around that had TP stuck to their rears? I have no idea. I just like asking questions. Well, I think the bears were not there and if they were, they would have been pandas.

Truth be told, the toilet paper was produced for the royals in China. I guess everyone else was in...a sticky situation. OK that was bad. Well, not as bad as not having toilet paper!! Anyway, I bet the royals in China were very happy with their new product. Did they have a jester come out and show them it's uses...probably not. Actually the modern toilet wasn't even invented yet. So it probably wasn't even called “toilet” paper. Maybe it was called “paper for that outhouse thingy.”

Kids were probably excited because they had something to throw at their enemy's house. Because I'm sure that “leafing” a neighbor's house just didn't do the trick. And you can bet that at weddings they had empty toilet paper rolls hitched to the wedding party’s buggy. Ticker tape parades got, wait...they probably didn't use toilet paper for that. Well, I hope not!

Let's just be glad that TP isn't for just royalty anymore. Although, the TP royalty uses must be multi-ply. That's why they walk around as if something is stuck between their...I shouldn't say that. I've never ended a blog post so crudely. Let me retry the ending. Let's just be glad TP isn't just for royalty anymore. Because leaves would be very uncomfortable...especially the pine or cactus variety!!

I wrote this in a Starbucks. It''s kind of a neat feeling. Writing someplace and having coffee and music playing. Actually, I do that at home. OK, being driven someplace and writing. I could get used to this. Maybe I am starting to be a real writer. Writing in the corner of a cafe...I asked for the LARGE latte (to quote “So I Married An Axe Murder.”) Well, first I probably should find a better topic than toilet paper...

If you have 10 hours... deliciousness awaits!!

2010-08-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

My wife said it looks like an overtanned senior citizen!!! But the taste is GREAT. The best turkey we have ever had. The problem is that we were eating it in 105 degree temps!

Randomness

2010-08-24T11:43:00.000-07:00

Is “randomness” a word? Well since it didn't ask me to spellcheck it, I'll assume that it is. This will be the first post that I've written wireless. That's not really that important, but it is freeing not to have those wires on me...buh, dum, bum! But I can't think of what to write so I'll just write what ever comes to mind.

I am in a tiki mood! I usually am but today is more so. Sitting out by the grill with a hawaiian shirt is what I feel like doing. Actually, that IS what I am doing. I should get the hammock set up and then I would be all set. I am checking on the doneness of the turkey I am smoking and then I hop right back to the computer. It's the perfect day.

So I guess being off of work while recuperating isn't so bad. I've got a confession for you all. This is what I dreamed retirement would be like. I just didn't realize it would come so early. I have also dreamed that this would be the life of a writer. It's no secret that is what I want to do. Publish my posts or something similar and keep on writing knowing that I would have book deal. I have thought of compiling this blog as a self-published book. When I start to compile it though, the real world sets in. The fact that it's just random writings that no one would want to read. Although, that's why I have a blog...and it's free to do!!

So, I will continue being a pseudo writer and part-time grill master. Oh and baby's diaper-checker. Though that job I could do without. The baby's fine, just not what's in her diaper. Uh-oh, I gotta check the grill. I really didn't say much with this post, but the more I type, hopefully it will lead me back to where I used to be when I would log in to write. So thanks for reading and a woo howdy hoo to you too!

(I promise I'll have something WORTH reading next time!!)

It is Bad Poetry Day

2010-08-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

The intraweb informed that it was Bad Poetry Day. Rhyming has become difficult after the stroke. Both writing it and saying it. I literally stand there as just an empty container when I try to rhyme. But since it is Bad Poetry Day, I will attempt some poor prose...

It is Bad Poetry Day

I guess it makes what am I about say

That was bad

And actually, kind of sad

It makes my rhyming

Simply mystifying

I should put a stop to this now

But how?

Do I end a poor piece of prose the right way?

What is fitting?

To say, I am quitting?

That would not be appropriate.

So I am going to leave you all with this:

See ya

Wouldn't want to be ya

Actually, if you can drive

I'll trade places with ya

Wait, I used 'ya' twice!

So I'll just end with...

I hope your day is nice!!!

That took me 30 minutes

To just rhyme a bunch of words together

Perhaps I should have spent that time

Sewing a sweater

But it's hot out

So I will leave that for the Fall.

That is all...

Repost: Top Ten Things To Remember Elvis

2010-08-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

*Although he is living on an island with Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Jim Morrison, this was the day Elvis was said to die. Although Elvis himself did not officially endorse this Top Ten List. Neither did Elvis' estate, for that matter. Ok, they are just 10 crappy ideas I came up with. There. Now are you happy?

10. Sport trucker side burns. Sorry, this one's just for men – which I am sure Elvis would use (I mean the product. Not sure about the sideburns and all since the National Enquirer said one had to be glued back on after his death. D'oh). It drives that lady folk crazy. And if that isn't enough of an enticement guys, check this out: You don't have to shave as much of your face when sporting the trucker burns because they take up most of your cheek and hard to reach just under the jaw places.

9. Make about 36 movies – each one successively worse and each one making “The Love Guru” the “Gone With The Wind” of our generation.

8. Employ your own Mafia and then get your picture taken with the President in the Oval Office while wearing your full mafia regalia (including cape), therefore making the President look like a square. Because we all know that the title of King ALWAYS trumps the title of President. Then, as you are being driven away by your mafia, encourage them to make funny faces at the secret service because you pay them better than the President's protectors. After your visit, send a thank you note to the White House on your new stationary that is emblazoned with the slogan: “Graceland – Memphis Tennessee. Better than the White House because there is no Jungle Room or Purple curtains in the White House.” It seems over the top, but you'll feel so superior after doing it.

7. Give Cadillacs to everyone you come into contact with. Yes, I admit this one will be difficult given the price of the new 2009 Escalade and all. However, just remember it is worth it because you are buying affection AND loyalty.

6. Maintain an effective weight loss regimen by performing concerts in 60 pound, rhinestone studded jumpsuits. And pills. Take lots of pills.

5. Name your 737 after your only daughter. Or, just own a 737 – that's pretty impressive. By the way, the only celebrity I can think of these days who goes the 737 route instead of the Lear Jet route is John Travolta. Not enough celebrities fly around in their own personal airliners anymore. I'm guess this will change when Oprah and the rest of Hollywood see Obama step onto Air Force One for the first time. Yep, time to get stock in Boeing.

4. Take 2 slices of bread, a lot of peanut butter and slice up a few bananas. Then have your own kitchen lady fry it all together. Seriously, do this. It's deliciousness cannot be denied. If you Google “kitchen lady” I'm sure you can find someone.

3. Through the effective use of pills and dark drapes, make the daytime the nighttime and the nighttime the daytime. Then invite your in-laws over for lunch during the 'day.' Wait, this one is confusing even me.

2. When changing channels becomes too laborious, just shoot out the current program with a .45. It has far less buttons than I remote, I can assure you.

1. Fall in love with a severely underage girl, take her and her younger sister skating and stuff for 6 years and then marry her the minute Vegas says it's legal and have your child be born exactly 9-months to that very day.

Things I Learned As A Result Of The Stroke...

2010-08-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

Back in the heyday of me blogging, I used to post Thing I learned This Week each Saturday. They were a list of things that happened to me. I decided I'm going to bring that back...on Friday. And what better way to start The Things I Learned from happened to me as a result of the stroke. Not that I think a stroke is anywhere near funny, but these are funny things that happened to me...

! I learn while in the hospital watching 30 Rock with my mom, not to explain what the show is about, especially when I can't speak. Hearing me say “rowr” and “uhhhhh” over and over again does not constitute me speaking.

! I learned that my right hand is not my ally. When looking at the dinner table and seeing my hand in whatever I am eating, is not good. Especially since I couldn't feel my hand in the hot plate.

! I learned that I couldn't pour coffee. I would spill more than what ended up in my cup. But I tried everyday. You would think having to drink coffee out of a straw would have been enough of a clue!

! I learned that while holding a cup in my right hand, I would carry it at a 45 degree angle. The are lots of spill stains on the carpet from this part of life.

! I learned that having a bare spot across the back of where your hair was supposed to be is not a sign of advanced intelligence. How does Jean Luc Picard make it work?

! I learned that having my smile come out of one side of my mouth did not make me look cool or like I had a chip on my shoulder. However, the cane I had did!

! I learned that I could no longer keep a beat when it comes to music. You know what, that was not anything new...

! I learned that people who suffer a brain injury need a lot of sleep. Well, I didn't mind that one too much...

! I learned that when I am taken to LA from Riverside in an ambulance, I should not offer the ambulance drivers a Fat Burger, if they stop so I can get one.

And lastly,

! I learned that when I am at my brothers house in Arizona and I am trying to show my family that I can drive, the best thing NOT to do is ride his ATV going 25 miles an hour into a tree! However, he did get to buy a new ATV!

The Day (After) They Go Back To School

2010-08-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

I was going to sit in a cafe up the street with WiFi and write about how the twins started school and how it was exciting for me because they're gone 8 hours a day. Any parent knows what I'm talking about. Yes I am going to miss them, but I'm not complaining that they have to go to school...two identical twins start to get on each others nerves...which gets on my nerves. But I had to change my plans. We had to put my dog, Mabel, down yesterday.

She was 7 and large Golden Retriever. It's the first dog I had, so it made it that much tougher. We have a large backyard, but it seems so lonely with her not back there. But that is what happens when you have a pet...eventually. I hope to get another dog in time. Now though, we're missing Mabel. So, I will try to write how happy I am about the twins being in school.

You all remember the Staples commercial where the guy goes around singing “It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” because his kids were starting school. Well, let me just say I have had the Andy Williams (that's who recorded “Most Wonderful Day of the Year”) Christmas CD playing a lot lately. Well, just one song. Alright I'll admit it, I've been playing the whole thing. You listen to what you listen to, and I'll listen to what knocks my flip flops off, ok? Not to get defensive... ;-)

At any rate, school has begun. I used to go the work singing at the top of my lungs and nothing could get me down. But this year is different. I don't have a job and I can't look for one because I can't work, which is why a cafe seemed like a good idea. So, I will have to do that one day. For now, I am sitting at home (with my Andy Williams blaring).

There is so much I can do while they aren't here. Napping, yard work, reading, watching old Saturday Night clips that would not be appropriate for young, impressionable ears, Sesame Street and napping. Yes, I meant to type “napping” twice. Smoking meat while they are at school, which is not a “that's what she said” item is also on itinerary. BBQing and the smoker are favorite past times of mine, though it is different now without my Mabel keeping me company. I put some Jimmy Buffett on, grab a cold beverage and sit outside and stoke the fire...that's not a “that's what she said” moment, either!

It seems like there is so much to be done when the kids are not tattle telling on each other. That had become a major duty of mine this summer. I don't mind bidding goodbye to that task! So, my wife is purchasing ribs to smoke today and I'll see the girls when the school bell sounds. Besides, you appreciate your children more when you have to be gone from them each day. Right?

Today is...National Lazy Day!!

2010-08-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

I don't why it's a national holiday. There is nothing indicating that it is...no Presidential proclamations or anything like that (I guess it would be bad for a President to declare a day for laziness...) But at any rate, it's National Lazy Day.

I think the day is timely. The twins start school tomorrow, so what better thing to do today than be lazy? The girls are playing Wii right now – in their underwear! Now that is lazy. I slept in until 9:30, that's lazy too. The baby is napping, yep, lazy.

I actually thought I would have more say. Laziness has permeated my mind. I was going to tell you what the perfect lazy day would be, complete with a how-to guide. I was even going to photograph my hammock. But I'm just to lazy to do that.

So, I will just sit here surfing the web and drinking my liquid crack (that's coffee) and let the day pass me by. Oh, and it's S'mores Day too. The girls have asked me to make some s'mores. I don't know. There's the chocolate, and graham crackers and the marshmallow...it seems like to much work for Lazy Day.

Two Days Left??!!

2010-08-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

While reading that headline, you are probably thinking that “two days left” is some tagline for a sale. “Two days remaining to get all the cheese at 50 percent off of wholesale at The Cheesebarn.” Or, “two days left to get 4 awesomely delicious pies for the price of one pie (it's a little embarrassing to think of how quickly my mind turns to food...)”. But it doesn't pertain to food in this instance, although if we had a place called the Cheesebarn in Corona, I certainly would not be here writing, I'd be getting my grub on! At any rate, two days is exactly the time that the twins have remaining in Summer!! Boo, hiss, and all of the expletives you want to use. Two days?? What the what! Two entire days, it's unfathomable. And the twins will have to go to bed early early tomorrow night, so there is technically less than two full days remaining. There's a song by Billy Joel that comes to mind called “Famous Last Words” that talks about “summertime has come and gone and everybody's home again, closing down for the season...” I'm kind of singing that right now...

What can be done in two days? We had a nice summer, if you count 1.5 months as summer. And we only had one week of hot temperatures, well all right I not complaining about that. We went to SeaWorld, did Raging Waters, completely changed our downstairs, had Lottie's first birthday, ate lobster, had the twins friends' over to spend the night, ~~published a book~~ and had BBQ's. But what about the stuff we didn't accomplish...

That is what bothers me. All the stuff on my list I didn't get to check off. Things like, teaching the girls to ride bikes and swim (I know they are almost 8, so I guess the fault lays with me for not having those 2 done), making homemade ice cream, pitching our tent in the backyard, going to the beach, seeing the Beach Boys in concert, seeing the bugs light up the sky (well other than moths), going to an Angel's game and countless more that I cannot remember.

And there's all the things I wanted to do with the girls by my side, things the twins had no idea about. Roasting an entire pig in the ground and inviting everyone over for a tiki party, actually getting grass to grow in our backyard, teaching the family how to make cheese, having all the awesomeness that is the fried food at the fair, finally buying a deep fryer (I know I've been asking for one since I started this blog in 2006 – please get the hint this time), going to Hawaii, building a writing studio for me in the backyard and a trip to NY. Getting the twins a Hollywood agent, brewing homemade root beer, starting a Hawaiian shirt company, ~~getting a book deal~~ and HAVING THE DOCTORS SAY THAT I CAN DRIVE AGAIN (yes, I am screaming that one). I'm sure I am forgetting a few and I know there's a few that this blog's 4 readers will point out to me, but needless to say, the summer ends while I have unfinished business.

So, I guess we shall have to wait for the following summer to achieve all the the things that I the twins, wanted to do. There is one upside to sending the girls back to school – there will be 8 hours a day where they won't be here. I'm kidding, kind of. Seriously, I am kidding. Well mostly kidding. Well let's just say that I will miss them. Partially...ok, that was joke...

Old Photos

2010-08-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Since I really don't have my sense of humor back (dang, stroke) but I wanted to write, this is what I have to offer. It's weird that I used to write like it was taking bacon from a piglet, but now I want to write and nothing comes to mind. It feels like a prison, but I assume that the more I write it will come back to me...I hope.

I was looking through some old Library of Congress photos that a friend linked to on Facebook and there was one that stood out...the picture I used as this blog post's photo. I had seen it before on the Library of Congress's website. It was of a starch factory from Aroostook County, Maine in 1940. My grandparents were from Aroostook County, Maine near Caribou and as a boy my grandfather picked potatoes and sent it to a factory just like like this, it may have been this one. One Christmas, my mom found an Aroostook potato sack in an antique gallery and gave it to him. It certainly brought back memories. That potato sack and these photos kind of bring back something lost.

That why I like old photos. Whether it be people, cars or locations, it's kind of neat to see something that's gone forever...I want to say more but the thoughts are just jumbled in my head. That's why I keep writing, to train my brain to work like it used to.

The Baby's Birthday

2010-07-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

It's chaotic around our house lately. Painting, furniture moved from one room to another and getting rid of stuff, oh and BBQing. The last one doesn't really have anything to do with why it's chaotic, I just wanted to share. Why are things hectic around here? Lottie's first birthday! On Saturday, she will have been with us for an entire year!

It's hard to imagine where the time has gone. Of course I had a stroke half way through that, so it's been kind of a before and after situation. When I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, she really didn't seem like she remembered who I was. Actually the first month I was home I didn't get the feeling she knew me. Since then, that has changed. I've been home every day since and it has made us inseparable. She is my new best friend, always by my side and giggling and smiling. I never thought I would say this, but I change my best friend's diapers. Not a lot of people can say that. Actually not a lot of people WOULD want to say that. Wait, on a second thought, ignore all that diaper stuff.

On Sunday, we will have about 60 people over for a BBQ for her birthday. About 5 people I actually know. I'm kidding. Friends, family and neighbors will be joining us. Actually, you could count the neighbors under the friends column...I'm actually going to have family here that has never met her before.

We're getting a bounce house (for me and the twins). It will tough keeping other people out of it though. I have to uphold my record of knocking every bounce house down that I've ever been in. Of course for the twins 5^th birthday party the wind knocked the bounce house down. That was fun to watch. All these kids screaming running around because the bounce house was collapsing around them. By the term “fun,” I mean it was fun on the inside, on the outside I had to act like a caring parent.

Most people are attending to taste my BBQ goodness (at least that's what I am telling myself). Honestly, we're having hot dogs and brats, oh and grilled lobster tail. Well, I put it on the grocery list, but we shall see if my wife picks some up. I mean it is my child's 1^st birthday, lobster tail is a good way to celebrate...I mean for me, Lottie can't have any.

And the cakes...our friend is making monkey cakes. That's what we call Lottie. She squirms like a monkey and she has taken an interest in monkey things, including bananas. I really don't know what the phrase “monkey things” actually is, but we show her a monkey and she gets excited. Of course we show her scissors and she has the same reaction. On her birthday I will finally be able to give her the sock monkey that was made by Sari. She's is gonna love that!

Right now she is sitting on the floor beside me as I type this, smiling away. She's playing with her Zoe stickers from Sesame Street and a cord from our fan. You know what, I should go...

A Cup For What Ails Ya!

2010-07-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

And by “what ails ya,” I am speaking of being tired. I guess I should have typed “a cup for what makes you tired,” but I thought my title was more interesting. What is he talking about? I am talking about that first cup of coffee in the morning! This post will be dedicated to COFFEE - that liquid that we can’t wake up to without each morning.

Actually, I am sipping from a cup right now. It’s a manly cup of coffee – Cinnabon Bun flavored coffee. But I’ve got a least 6 types in the fridge. I’ve tried to share my coffee addiction with the family, but they all say it smells like crap or mud or anything else that doesn’t sound appealing. I’ve even offered cash or other prizes if they say want some, but no takers yet!

And by “what ails ya” I am speaking of being tired. I guess I should have typed “a cup for what makes you tired” but I thought my title was more interesting. What is he talking about? I am talking about that first cup of coffee in the morning! This post, my second since my stroke, will be dedicated to COFFEE - that liquid that we can’t wake up to without each morning.

Actually, I am sipping from a cup right now. It’s a manly cup of coffee – Cinnabon Bun flavored coffee. But I’ve got a least 6 types in the fridge -I don't have bacon latte, though. I’ve tried to share my coffee addiction with the family, but they all say it smells like crap or mud or anything else that doesn’t sound appealing. I’ve even offered cash or other prizes if they say want some, but no takers yet! I suppose I could put it in Lottie's sippy cup, after all she'll turn 1 this weekend, but I have friends who work in child protective services and it wouldn't look good they had to haul me off.

That first cup, or 5, really gets me going in the morning. The few mornings where I don't have that first cup you would think I had a stroke or something by the way I talk and stumble about...At any rate, I need my morning cup of joe. When I used to work, I would wait until I got into the office to have it. It was like drinking in a community with the people I would work with. The drivers behind me probably wished I would have had a cup before I got behind the wheel though.

The consumption of caffeine is actually not recommended for me. With my heart issues the last thing I need is bolt of caffeine running through my system. It's like Elmo having a shot of speed. Well, it is nothing like that but I got to work Elmo into the conversation. But I stop drinking it, or drink decaf, after my first half dozen or so cups. My middle name is “moderation,” after all. That reminds me, I have to tell you about the deep fried pork ribs I saw...

Just look at a line around Starbucks this morning, afternoon or night to see what I'm taking about. Iced coffee or hot coffee (I'll define the hot kind as CLASSIC COFFEE), people need their fix. Just a few days ago, I wrote a Facebook status update asking if 11:30 am was too late to brew a pot. The responses we're essentially that people keep a pot on all day and night. Then I realized that coffee is essential to the running of America. Kind of.

So, I have my Brewstation (where I just place the coffee mug underneath it to dispense my liquid crack) is running on empty. I guess that means I am done here, there was a whole lot I wanted to say, but I can't remember it. Hopefully I will soon. I need more coffee in the meantime and Lottie is holding her sippy cup up...maybe she's ready to taste the smooth delicacies of a fine crafted cup of java!

****please ignore any typos I have, my proofreading has taken a slip since my injury***

It's Flitch Day!!

2010-07-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

I know none of you know what that means, but I'll tell you (in due time). First, this is the first blog post I've written in 6 ½ months. Since my stroke...I don't know if it will be funny, but I need to train my mind to write again. It's kinda like physical therapy , except it's for the mind...and you will be my guinea pigs.

I could write a lot... Me crashing 25 miles an hour on my brother's quad into a tree (proving I could ride it just 2 months after my stroke), my newfound fascination with Sesame Street, how long it takes me to write something, or how I can't work or drive... but that's all boring. So I will write about Flitch Day.

You're probably thinking that Flitch is a funny twitch, or a light switch (if you have a lisp). Flitch Day, is (are you ready)... a measurement in BACON. That's right, a measurement done with bacon. I guess you couldn't find a more fitting topic for me to start writing again. Wikipedia defines it as: a side of salted and cured pork. An entire side, like half of a pig. Wikipedia continues: The awarding of a flitch of bacon to married couples who can swear to not having regretted their marriage for a year and a day is an old tradition, the remnants of which still survive in some pockets in England.

We are owed 12 flitches, I think. Well, I probably should check with my wife. I can tell you that it's going to join my lexicon of daily definitions! Right next to “knock on laminate” and “I want to go to there.” In fact I have added flitch to my Word dictionary. It's bothered me since I started typing this how flitches would end up on my computer with a red line under it. Not any more!!

In fact, I think I will have a flitch for dinner. Maybe in a hamburger or maybe on it's own. Perhaps smoky or cured with maple syrup. But, it's too hot to toil over bacon in my kitchen and it would be a fire hazard to cook a flitch on the grill. Wait I've got it...I'll order flitch from a restaurant That way we would use someone else's flichten AC!!!!!

My time away...

2010-05-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

HI!!!! It's been a looong time. I suffered a stroke on January 8, 2010. The stroke affected my language, speaking and writing skills. I hope to be able to write...some day!!!
-M

2010 – That Would Make A Good Movie Title Or Something

2010-01-08T08:47:00.001-08:00

Well, here we are at the start of another decade. I was reminded of the passage of time as I had to open MS Office 2000 to write this. Yet that still seems like updated software to me and now it’s 10 years old. I always wondered how the old folks start getting so out of touch with current times and I guess me thinking MS Office 2000 is bright and shiny is how it all begins. And how about them Boyz II Men, what a great up and coming vocal group! And by the way, have you tried Starbucks Coffee yet? WOW!

I didn’t really know what I was going to write today, but I have decided post-New Years that I will have a resolution this year. A resolution to get back to writing much more often. Well, that and my resolution to create a fad that will spread as fast as the “name the color of your unmentionable what-not thingies you are wearing” spread on Facebook this week. For the record, I am NOT wearing a bra, but if I was, I would like it to be black and have little #3’s all over it in honor of Dale Earnhardt, Sr. Although the “bacon bra” picture that shows up on the intrawebs from time to time has me intrigued too.

Today would have been Elvis’ 75^th birthday and as a king of the fan (wait, I don’t think I said that right), I am tempted to write about what a 75 year old Elvis would look like, assuming of course that he had not already been put to death by lethal injection for shooting Lisa Marie after she married Michael Jackson. Would he be a recluse in his Jungle Room at Graceland, never opening the curtains or trimming his hair, finger nails or toe nails? Would he have a theater in Branson? Would he have put out a rap album trying to stay hip? Would have need a new hip? Would he be using words like “fo shizzle” and “the bomb” or would he have just grown old gracefully in his sequin-studded mall walker jogging outfits? Sadly, the world will never get to know…

Then I realized I could just talk about the New Year. I erroneously gave last year the motto of “Things Will Be Fine In 2009,” (and anyone who knows me knows how erroneous that really turned out to be) but have had a little more trouble naming 2010. I have come up with such anti-gems as “Get Yourself A Hen in 2010” and “2010 – The Time is Now When,” but both of those don’t really convey anything and I am pretty sure the grammar of the last one would get me kicked out of college. So for now, I will leave 2010 unnamed, even though that causes me to have a facial tick.

I wonder what will happen this year. I remember making predictions back in 2007 or 2008 and I missed on every single one of them, so I am naturally a little gun-shy to make predictions for this year. Though, I could tell you the things I would LIKE to see happen this year, but I’ll take one more chance at some predictions…

I think the chin firmer thing will supplant the Snuggie as America’s favorite not-so-inside joke. I think disgraced Chicago Governor Rob Blagojevich (and yes, I had to Google him to spell his last name) will end up as a pseudo-celebrity on VH1 or MTV. I think Frank Gifford will be arrested for ~~finally~~ slapping Kathie Lee Gifford to oblivion and that Tiger Woods will end up celebrity boxing Gary Coleman after he is forced from the PGA. In a slightly related prediction, the PGA will declare bankruptcy after banning Tiger Woods for life. I also predict the birth of a bunch of Tiger cubs, if you pick up what I am laying down…(which by the way, did not sound nearly as cool as it did in my head…) I also think the Tea Bag movement will adopt another name since everyone either accidentally, or in some cases intentionally, calls them something slightly different and much more derogatory, if you pick up what I am laying down (nope, it didn’t sound any better the second time either).

As far as what I would LIKE to see happen, the tops on my list would have to be the development and successful commercial viability of robots that can make coffee, frozen waffles and bacon every morning. I would also like to see the invention of maple-scented charcoal. I would just pour syrup on my existing charcoal, but that seems like too much work. Lastly, I would like to see a pop culture movement that realizes the true genius of Charles Nelson Reilly. Cigars, a lisp and those sweaters (Oh, those sweaters!!!!)…really, do I need to say anymore?? Ok, I will…Match Game! I think I’ve made my case.

So there you have it, my first entry for 2010. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go make my own frozen waffles…