Thursday, May 19, 2011

The World Is Ending. It Better, Because I Hate To Think I Wrote This Post For Nothing...

I expected to write this post on December 21, 2012. Right in the middle of the holidays and all of the World-is-ending sales. So, scrap those notes. The world is now ending this Saturday. That's 2 days away. Man, have I got a lot to complete in those 2 days!

I've got to assemble my end of the world checklist. You know, all of the things I will want to have in case the Rapture comes and I'm stuck in the bathroom or waiting for service at Denny's. I will want to have my Barry Manilow and Carpenter's CDs, and my Bacon t-shirt. I thought of bringing a compass, but I'm not sure how to use it (that's a joke). I thought of bringing a map, but I have no idea how to use that (that's not a joke). Plus, I have NO idea how to fold one up so I'd use it once and then try like the dickens to get it shoved back into my backpack! Of course, I could use my unfolded map as a tent. Hmmmm...

I would probably bring a kite. Because I'd want some fun while sitting on the street with no one to talk to. I wouldn't need money (phew!! Because I don't have any). And I wouldn't need a cellphone. So I guess I wouldn't need the charger for it. Unless I needed it for choking a rat that I would turn into dinner (and somehow pretend it's lobster...a little hairy rodent with a tail but it tastes just like imitation lobster meat). And lastly, a package of Key Lime Extra Gum. Have you tried that?? Oh, and breath freshener...

So, that it is my end-of-the-world check list. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few things. But I was in a hurry! The sky is fallling, the sky IS falling...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm Up Too Dang Early

I'm am up too early
Maybe that's cuz I keep repeating “I'm up to early” in my head
Then I thought I would write that down

So, here I am
I wrote it down
But I need more lines
To attempt to pass this off
As a pseudo-poem.

I could blame me being up since the sun was shining
But in fact, the sun isn’t anywhere to be seen
Because it's raining
I can't blame my alarm clock
Because it wasn't set to go off yet

So, I guess I can't blame it on anything
Which is unfortunate
Because I like blaming other people
That was a joke
Not a good joke
But a joke nonetheless

I haven't even come close to rhyming in this writing
Actually, that was a rhyme, kind of
So, I will end this attempt at writing a poem

I will brew some coffee
And be ready for a nap
In about 30 minutes
Because I got up too early!!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Return To The Odd News, Oddly...

Well, on the road of posting like I used to, I decided to return to Odd News posts. I don't what is odder (not to be confused with utter or udder), the fact that weird news happens or that people post collections of it? Or maybe it is even odder that I read it and wrote about it(not to be confused with otter. Although that would be cool to read odd news about an otter...but that's too dreamy to happen. But imagine the fodder I could write.) OK, that's enough odd jokes. But did you hear the one about the utter spraying pink milk? The cow had been grazing in a strawberry patch...ok, that's not odd it's just bad!!

And now to New Jersey. Anyone else see Fred Armisen playing Governor Patterson when I asked that? Apparently two 13-year old twins were arrested for shooting their neighbor with BB rifles while he mowed his lawn. First thought – I'm glad my twins are girls and my second thought – I hope the rifles were Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifles with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Because that would be very groovy (I know, I've got to find more relevant adjectives when I write).

Imagine the two boys being hauled in to the local precinct. What would they be asked first? OK, why did they do it? But I was thinking of “you'll shoot your eyes out...” The man was shot in the leg and shoulder, but the BB's did not break the skin. So I wonder if that really is a crime. All the man had were welts not gun shot wounds. There has to be a law somewhere that breaking the skin or not breaking the skin gives different punishments.

I think not breaking the skin and the fact that they are 13 boys only gives one suitable punishment: they have to wear pink bunny suits for a whole week...

So, there ya have it. While it's not very long (I could have droned on and on about this subject 2 years ago), at least it's a start...and, a finish.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Well I haven't written for a while. It is a little hard when a one and half year old is dragging you by the arm to show you things all day. I long ago gave my twins the names Lucy and Ethel for blog land. So I guess kiddo #3 will be LaVerne. She's not the only reason I haven't written. Writing is hard for me to do now. The thoughts don't come as quickly as they did in 2007 and 2008 (and they're nowhere near as funny!) and I have to do a lot of editing. Plus, thing come out in fragments. Fragments may be good to a rapper, but not a copywriter. But, I bought a pipe to have in my mouth while on the computer, so this is my inaugural, uhhhhhh, pipe post?

I really don't have a topic in mind, but either did Seinfeld or Millard Filmore. And you see what happened to them one of them. Lately, I've wondered what my plan is. Wow, I know I layed that on ya all of a sudden, sorry. I think there is more to my master plan than bacon and waking up to Facebook and lamenting that I need more coffee. Perhaps there is more for me to look forward to than a Star Trek rerun and the arrival of the mail. I certainly think there is more than taking a nap and watching Dick Van Dyke on Netflix.

Wow, that was sad to read that last paragraph out loud. What am I? An 80 year old man that likes to hear William Shatner sing? Well yes, but that's not the point. While I didn't discover my plan today, I will. And maybe I'll share it with you on here. Let's just hope my master plan doesn't contain sea bass with lasers on their heads...